Frussell918

I am just beginning the second year of a life that I don't want to have. I have tried, that's tried, to make the decision that I am going to move forward, not to forget her, but to live with her inside me. I hear her tell me time and again to stop, and listen to her. I had a dream, and in the dream my wife took my hand and asked me "Why are you sad?", "Because you're not here.", I replied. She placed her other hand over mine and said, "But you have Emilee and Brandon, it will be okay." She then proceeded to turn to dust and blew away. I was so sad I fell apart all day, the next day. It was one of the last dreams I've had with her. I'm trying to take her advise, it's hard and sometimes I crumble to the ground. Most of the time, I can function. I have sold our house, because there is no "ours" anymore. I have a new job, same occupation, new employer. These are decisions that were hard to make, but I made them, and they are what is right for my family and me. I can tell you that I am going to do my best to listen to what my wife has told me. "Don't be sad, you have Emilee and Brandon, it will be okay". I know its hard to do, but listen to your loved one. What would they say to you right now? I can't tell you what to feel, or how to deal with your sorrow, but I know what I am going to do. I'm going to miss her with all my heart, love her to heaven and back, and know that I have my son and daughter to help me try to live the best that I can, with her inside my heart. May god bless each and every one of you that reads my post. You are, by far, the strongest people, I have never met.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, and I'm that obsessing over my beautiful Deb passing away. I feel like I need to move on because I can't take the pain of losing her. It's not like I need to move on, I just hate how I feel. I feel like all I do is dwell on the fact that she is gone. I want to dwell on the happy memories. If I keep thinking about losing her or that she would do this, or she did that, I don't think of the good times. Deb and I used to talk about what would happen if we passed away in a car crash. We wouldn't want a roadside memorial, they're nice, but not for us. We told each other that we wanted to be remembered for how we lived, not how we died, or that we are gone. This is what I want, to remember the good times. Dwelling on her absence is not what we talked about doing. Do I want her to come back to me, absolutely, but it won't happen. I lost my best friend. Someone that I could tell anything, anything. Her smile was legendary, if you were to see it, you would never, ever forget it. She was, is beautiful. She could light up a room when she walked in. She would tel me to stop annoying her, and I would say "What?". Then she would just look at me with her "laser beam" eyes and I knew it was time to stop. I bought her a red rose every month on our wedding date, the 16th of the month, for 22 and a half years. She saved the pedals for the first 10 and asked if I cared if she got rid of them. She was running out of place to store them. I said it was up to her. Then I found out she saved all of the anniversary, birthday, and whatever cards I gave her. These are just some of the memories I want to remember. I know she is gone, I don't need to be reminded of it, even though I know it will happen. I know everyone that asks me how I'm doing or tells me they miss her isn't doing it to hurt me, but it does. And there is nothing I can do to stop them from saying anything to me about Deb. All of this may sound harsh or like I don't care about her, I do, believe me I do. It's just that I am tired of the sadness. Thank you for listening. And to you my dear sweet Deb, all of my love, forever.

Thank you drowns, friendship is all I can muster at this point as well.

Thank you Marita, my condolences to you. My wife passed away in August.

What do I do? I miss her so much, I wish she was here, but she's not. I need someone to talk with/to. We spoke everyday for 25 years, never missed a day. We spoke in the morning when we were getting ready for work, sometimes she would call me before she reached the stop sign on the way to work. By the way, it is 150 feet from our house. She would call me on her lunch, then I would call her on mine. She always had lunch before me. She would call me when she left work, then I would call her on my way home. Sometimes we would leave work at the same time and talk till we met in the driveway. Then we would talk all night long, till we went to bed. Now I don't have anyone to talk with or to. I can talk with my children, to my siblings, parents, in-laws and friends, but it isn't the same. I can type, write and blog, it isn't the same. I am so alone I can't stand it. I signed up for a dating site and met a widow. We talk, a lot, and I don't know if it is right when we aren't talking. But I am so relaxed when we are talking. Have any of you felt like I do? Is it right or wrong? What have you done or what do you do? Thank you in advance.

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm glad I found you.

Not sure where to begin. Two and a half months ago everything changed. I kissed her on the forehead, told her I love you and said I will see you in the morning. Her alarm went off, she had a procedure 2 weeks earlier and had to sleep in a recliner. I lis tend for her to turn off the alarm aND it kept going. Not out of the ordinary, sometimes she would sleep through it. I waited for about 6 minutes 5:41 am and got up. My first thought was I'm losing 20 minutes of sleep. She was always up before me. I walked into the living room and said Deb, no answer. I turned on the light, and tried to wake her, no response. I called me 19 year old daughter, who was sleeping and told her to call 911. I placed my wife on the floor and started CPR, nothing. I knew she was gone. Eregency personnel showed up, tookus to the hospital where they pronounced her. I feel like I am the only that is in this situation. I'm not sure how I can related this to anyone. She is a 6 year breast cancer survivor, why did this happen? I feel like I'm complaining when I talk about this or even write about it like I am right now. I love her more than words can say. We talked everyday for 25 years. Never missed a day and it is so hard. My apologies for rambling, especially after not knowing where to start.