Wil

Hi john You seem like an honest caring deep thinking and thoughtful guy. If i may may i suggest you listen to the wise words of Kayc and MartyT, this is their vocation and as you will see from this section of the forum, read process analyse and provide reasoned sounding board for those who need to express,release and find tools to heal in a non judgemental environment. When you assist loved ones as part of serious relationships you can often lose perspective because of un waivering trust and love for them. You may not see that they come to take you for granted or have made assumption that you will accept any morsel of affection they wish to give you. To this end you start to lose yourself and what you want and need for yourself- remember You matter too!! You have done all the right things from what i read and are gaining perspective again. Sadness and stress does not make bad behaviour acceptable. Some people and i say some not all,who perhaps can't deal with ending relationship will use grief to push you away,a child would hold its comfort blanket at times of anxiety not try to hurt or damage it. For yourself try not to rationalise or over analyse anothers behaviour,only they are responsible for it, instead ask yourself- Is this the kind or relationship i want for myself? Do i deserve this? No Do i want a partner who pushes me away at time of stress and is this an indicator of her true being? I truely believe that people show their real selves at times of stress as maintaining a facade becomes harder. Not everything in relationships is meant to be fixed, acceptance of that is a huge step.Follow your basic human gut instinct, you have it for a reason, you will know then that your choices are correct. You will be fine, consider for a while who you are and what you need for you before embarking on another deep relationship and do not just "settle" be honest with you and any prospective partner and you will find the real one. Good Luck

Kelly, I am so deeply sorry for the emotional turmoil you find yourself in. I could not begin to understand how you must feel and would not dream to try.The sense of loss and confusion you feel must feel intolerable on many levels. May i suggest as Marty and Kayc have done that you focus all your attention on yourself until you gain acceptance that none of this is your fault. Your partner deserves none of your sympathy just now or in the foreseeable future. Rather than try to fight the urges to rationalise the loss of your child or lack of compassion of your partner, may i suggest you allow yourself to grieve, your feelings of loss abandonment anger confusion are all perfectly reasonable and normal, you cant change what has happened but you can help the person that matters most in this..... You. Keeping busy is good if it works for you, do what you need to for you whenever you need to for as long as you need to. Whatever you choose is okay but keep in mind what has happened is not your fault. I personally understand your feelings at this time of year and they are okay to have, i would suggest to you though that your family or friends or those that truely care would most likely be apprehensive of asking how you are for fear of perhaps inducing thoughts or feelings in you when you may be trying to escape them for a short while. They may be looking to take the lead or initiative from you whether or not it is okay or appropriate to talk about things. I would keep communication open with them even if you don't feel like taking part in festivities. Whatever you do please keep in mind, your partner has chosen the path he is on for his own reasons you cannot affect that and i would not judge without knowing him. His lack of enquiry into your wellbeing however is at this moment without suitable justification. To this end be selfish and do whatever you need to for you and only you. Again, please understand none of what you describe is your fault, acceptance of that is the first stage towards allowing yourself to heal in your own way in your own time. Take Care

Dear all, I have resisted attempts by my former partner to spend the festive period together. Every part of me wished to cave in and do so but have resisted in the face of pleas, that i was set adrift because of blind grief and paths taken and decisions made were not conscious or designed to hurt me.In essence i am not convinced by this explanation and am following my gut instinct. I have declined and decided to follow my own path for me and suggested she take her own path for herself through counselling and real time reflection. If after counselling yoga mindfulness we elect to rekindle the relationship it wil be for the right reasons and not because of insecurities or loss.. I have learned a lot from this process and dedicated people who take the time to be available for others in emotional crisis and i extend my thanks to you. I have the Serenity prayer i have historically sent to people who suffer stress or loss, I forgot to apply to myself over recent months; Give me the Serenity to accept the things i cannot change. The Courage to change the things I can And the Wisdom to know the difference. Whatever your denomination may i extend best wishes to those in need, advisor's and contributors. Everything happens for a reason. Yesterday is history, life is about today and tomorrow and is meant to be lived not constantly reflected upon. Accept responsibility and learn from only your own issues not those of others. Not everything can or is meant to be, Others who pass through your life may have to take a different path, this does not have to be a relection on on you. Look forward and up and not back and down. In short, Good luck and very best wishes for the coming year to all xx

KayC, Thank you, i do love and care what happens to her and hope she works this out with professional counselling. I have made myself a promise as part of my yoga, mindfulness etc to try not to accept responsibility for everyone elses problems i have done this too long, this is part of my insomnia/stress issues i have had for many years. I can't fix everything as much as i would like to have done. Yesterday was overwhelming saying goodbye to my four legged companion.He deserves acknowledgement just now.I can't think on anything else for now. The other events yesterday caught me by surprise and were my honest response to events of last few weeks and months. Will i doubt myself? probably yes,but i have to stay on the course of action i am on or it will all have been for nothing. I feel the need to protect myself for now. With focus and ultimate honesty later on we will see what happens.It takes two people to make a relationship work or fail so i will have to identify my failings. One thing i have identified though, The word Sorry, is overused and is without meaning if it is not supported by explanation and change. Personally and in relations with others i will now seek this.I am still so bemused at the apparent sudden turnaround in her position. At least she potentially acknowledges she hasnt dealt with things well and perhaps counselling is needed. Thanks to all for your support, it helps greatly.This process and opinions of contributors has taught me much.

Marty, thank you, this whole thing getting too much for me, cant separate one thing from the other. Thanks for listening. Hoping rest brings clarity

Folks, i had to make the torturous decision today 5th December 2016 to allow my beautiful 17 year old pup to rest. I have been treating him for two and half years for various internal growths. He was my dads dog and i have been his butler and caretaker, nurse and best friend since my dad passed feb 2014. All got too much for him recently and i knew deep down this week he was tired, i could see it in his eyes. He has been increasingly more regular visitor to the vets over last few wks. They agree, time to let him rest. I know the decision was right for him and im spiritually at peace knowing hes with my dad and mum. Such a calm peaceful ending with a gentle caring vet, so glad i held and talked to him as he drifted into sleep.Just a lot to soak up. Such beautiful creature, got me through lots and asked nothing in return. Rest well, love and thank you so much x Bizarre and confusing follow up, my former partner brought flowers of condolence this afternoon and then asked for consideration of reconciliation of us saying she now realises she had made mistakes pushing me away and realised it was not what she really wanted, she was confused over loss of her brother, she had now processed things now and she would be fine and just wanted to be with me. Too much for me to process just now so said i couldnt commit to her just now, i had to continue to work on me for now and sort out my own issues. I asked she did the same for her, with professional help to bottom out how she has taken the path she went down and made decisions she has made. Dont understand the turn around. I need to work out whats best for me after being shut out, too much for one day So confused

Marty, KayC, thank you, your understanding means a lot. I am numb with shock just now and pray the numbness doesn't wear off for a while to give my mind and soul a rest. I have a wonderful gentle 17 year old dog, i will focus all my love on him, unlike humans he asks nothing of me and gives all in return. Best wishes Wil x

Its all over. When my F asked me for break many weeks ago i let her know i was taking time off from work 26th November, asking to meet or do somthing with her, with the kids, she completely ignored this, i wrote in my journal i have been writing last few months, she is going to finish with me on this date, call it instinct. I have been asked 3 times since then to remain on a break with contact instigated by her. Through emotional and mental and physical turmoil i have felt, i have reached out to her on a couple of occasions.Primarily because of my longing to see her and her kids who she encouraged me to bond with and love. This has been rebuked and I have been engineered out of their lives. Chance encounter today led to talks, for months i believed she would never intentionally hurt me by excluding me as described previously. She confirmed today I was out of their lives and she did not want me part of it. I offered to help domestically, practically and supportively even offering to pay for counselling after she conceded she feels she may be depressed. All rebuked, i was not part of their future. She happier not having to consider me.She let me know she had planned to end us on 26th November. Why put me on a break, through this even though she had opportunities to end it. No explanation, discussions or place for me. Why put us through this when my gut was right at the start of the break that this was her intention. So cold so distant and emotionless. I dont know this person and have asked her to talk to someone to let the beautiful person i love back out. I tried to let her know good and healthy to grieve but its okay to live. Her brother would want this and for her to live on. No impact. I have told her i will respect her wishes and if she eventually works through this i will leave door open for her to contact me. I will not contact her again now, i cant I'm spent and burned out now and have nothing left. This is so wrong and ended for wrong reasons, my life has been changed and decided upon without my consent or involment. My heart knows now there will be no return. Why cant people just be honest. Goodbye F, will love you forever x Reality is now my companion. To those considering breaks/ break ups following loss, please just be honest with those that love you, the journey and path you take to heal is yours to take, but your decisions affect them to. Dear all thank you for your time and wisdom, appreciated x

Nuther week, no contact, appears i am invisible again.She visits her dad and shops all right next to me and would have always stopped to say hello have tea or big hug. Lord how i miss that. , really worried for her, been told shes losing weight, just don't know what to do to help, hope she finds path through the mist and realises its good to grieve, but its okay to live and be loved, hopefully by me. If i can hang in there. Doing all i can to distract myself but struggling to eat. Sleep and keep going , as you rightly say such a hard path to follow. Thanks for listening x

Shock of all shocks, my beloved F contacted me on the phone tonight, to thank me for taking her father out. We chatted briefly and she is still unsure if we can work going forward, her feelings are still mixed up. Feels she is being unfair on me asking me to wait. Have agreed to let her work on things in her own way and time with her instigating communication and possibly meet to run or walk at some point in the future. All ifs buts and maybe's. The acknowledgement has me walking on air in tears at the same time. Got to aplogise for taking personally her decision to bury her brothers ashes without me, she wanted no fuss event which wasnt a slight on me. Offered acknowledge of the number of stresses on her emotions and well being and let her realise i acknowledge why she is emotionally spent just now and needs and deserves to spend time on her. At least i know she is okay just now. This was all i needed for now. The lord sure does work in mysterious ways x

KayC thank you for the support as always. Much appreciated. I just long for positive outcome, honesty and to be let in and either loved or released. Wish i could let her know its good and healthy to grieve, but its also okay to live, this is what her brother would wish for her. Its what i wish for her too x.

After another rejection i am beginning to accept that perhaps I and we have reached the end. Never thought this scenario was ever possible between us. I genuinely believed i would end my days with her and them.Deeply saddened and distressed but small sense of reality setting in as hope disappears. How can someone i loved so dearly and deeply over such a long time treat me as though i'm invisible. I don't know now if decisions to blank me are intentional or through emotional trauma. Keep giving benefit of the doubt because i belive she would not willingly try to hurt me.I helped her through separation from a manipulative and controlling ex husband and tried to nurture a belief that she should express opinion and feelings as they were valued and important. Believed we had the most loving open and communicative relationship i had ever had in my adult life, I think sometimes now i have been deluding myself. I witnessed how she stone walled, ignored and refused to speak with her former husband after he left the former family home, albeit much he had brought upon himself through percieved infidelity and obstinate way he protracted the separation. This way of dealing with things now appear to be extending to me, she agreed to keeping lines of communication open and asked for numerous weeks without seeing me but has ignored attempt to allow us to try to spend time to have fun or at least catch up without having to talk, giving me no acknowledgement of any sort. Personally i went through emotional hell to get to where we are with the hurtful things said by him about me but stuck in there because of how i loved her and her children. I worked hard and achieved a loving bond for them but this does not seem to matter. I miss them as though they were my own children and it hurts so bad. I have finally sat in front of a counsellor to see how i can help her, to find i need to make a journey of my own to resolve insecurities and fragilities i didnt know i carried. She appears to have not done so sofar and from what i can gather 'appears' to be going on as normal but i suspect is in denial. How do i help if i am not allowed even to listen, and how from my current position of exclusion encourage her to seek help which may help her going forward, with or without me. She asked for a break but it feels like break up and exclusion in all but name, all i need was some small olive branch to keep me sane and willing to keep going.It feels like its when an not if i am excluded permanently now. I have taken steps to try give me skills to make me more at ease with the world by enlisting for classes on yoga and mindfulness (hopefully) I have realised i have been an insomniac and stressed for many years, i have only ever felt at peace with the world and slept properly with my beautiful F. sleeping behind me, there must be a reason for this which i must explore. There must be a reason why my "go to guy" exterior which made me feel valued also seem to make people feel they can do as they wish with me.I try hard to help and put myself in circumstances where i am over extended time and time again in the belief i make a difference but end up stressed and somtimes hurt. I have recently spent more time with her father upon request from him allowing him to visit the area where his son is laid to rest and listen, talk as he needs, weep and grieve to process his feelings. This is my strength and reason for being. It makes me feel self worth and honour that he feels comfort in doing so with me. I am hopeful this will continue no matter what happens with his daughter I just wish she would give same opportunity to herself or try to seek professional help for her. Sorry had to get this out. Ran ten miles today but weekends always the worst.

Thank you. I always appreciate and respect honesty. Up and down on a Roller-coaster i cant get off yet, hope is all i have will cling on to it a while longer. I genuinely appreciate having an outlet in which to release amoungst fair minded non judgemental people. Regards Wil

Folks, thank you, after another week of virtually no sleep I'm not thinking straight any more. I pushed it to far again and texted more saying "lost without you just want to hold you and make you feel safe and secure" which to her probably reads Ive told him im not sure how i feel and hes trying to smother me!! I just don't think i can do this for too long. Guess i just trying to say im still here!! And thats about me and insecurity and not about helping her which is wrong, the weekends are the worst hill walked and ran but worrying and thinking of her all the time. Folks your advice and insight are well intended and well meant, i mean no disrespect with my last question. F im sorry if im smothering you this is pulling my heart out x

Broke after over a wk of no contact and texted hope you're okay thinking of you xx she texted back I'm okay hope you're ok x made me weep with joy at hearing from her. Fighting the will to do it all the time dont want her to think ive forgotten her. Probably wrong thing to do and slightly nervous now, love her so much its hard not to do

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/340091-do-not-stand-at-my-grave-and-weep-i-am Have a read of this beautiful poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye Unconditional love from your pet is one of nature's greatest and most underrated gifts. Your pet will be grateful for the kindest decision you made on their behalf. Caring for your pet when they need it most is the most loving thing you can do and selfless. Thoughts and best wishes to you until the fog of your loss clears

You have pretty much summarised the confusion and sense of loss i feel just now. I dont want to lose her and want to be part of the solution and not the problem, will have to consider which i am before my mental health becomes affected. This isnt about me but it effects me, want to support but not be in the way. I feel out of sight and out of mind. Just long for some kind of acknowledgement and hope. I have to ask, all advice is to back off and hope, does anyone who has been dealing with similar wish they hadn't waited in hope for long periods and had given request to partners to allow them to help or to otherwise release them from their emotional bond and commitment far earlier. Leaving the door open for them once they have learned to process their situations and grief. It does seem that the persons posting eventually end up emotionally hurt and without their loved one in most cases despite giving love and respect and waiting for the same in return?

Thank you for listening to my ramblings i know i cant make anyone love me or influence their feelings. I question now have i been kidding myself about how well we communicate? I always felt committed couples dealt with everything together even when things get tough. Thats what builds the connection commitment and love bond. Not bail out on each other. Much as you described in your original posts. At this moment i dont know where or if i fit into her future and I just need something back to give me some hope. Trying to be strong and give space but love and miss her so much life without her is filling me with dread ? I know that I have to get a grip. Thank you for listening its good to get this out.

Am i wrong in worrying that she may never seek the help and assistance to help her process what is going on, to some this may feel possessive and overbearing, like i say if she didnt want the relationship in the end i could eventually live with that as long as her beautiful soul wasn't being lost in a fog because she wasn't reaching out. All the choices she has to decide on and all in her own timeframe i fully understand. Am i wrong in thinking that she truely doesn't want me or the relationship now but is separating in degrees because she doesn't have the strength at the moment to deal with ending things? These are just some of the random thoughts which stop me from eating sleeping and functioning normally.

I take on board your point I do feel i'm walking a tightrope and after reading so many posts on forums it seems inevitable that the people posting them end up emotionally broken and alone despite respecting wishes of their loved ones. I have never been clingy or insecure but now feel a whole raft of emotions which truely overwhelm me. Grieving for someone who is still with us whom i love dearly and only want the best for. Its hard to let go of something you have loved for so long. Its all consuming and affects work and every attempt i make to distract myself .Yet i don't want to give up on someone I love so much. So any questions and frustrations and know one to answer them. This feels like purgatory to me or death by a thousand cuts. Hence im reaching out on a forum to people i don't personally know. Better than bottling it up or passing these feelings to my beloved. Feel so desperate and confused.

Thank you for taking time to reply,friends have advised the same, just don't want to give up without a fight. I have told her that and she knows how i feel. She is so calm and gentle, quiet and shy and after years of subjugation by a former partner she tends to feel "there is no point" in voicing how she feels, i have spent all my time encouraging her to express opinions and feelings because what she says is important and valued. My fear is that she will bottle up what is happening as it is easier rather than speaking to a professional.I hope she does speak to someone even if that means she doesnt want me in the end, thats why i worry if i back away to much. Wish in some respects she could see this to let her know she is a special soul. I have to respect wishes though, difficult to do.

Need advice please, have been best friends with my girlfriend for 12 years, we have same outdoor interests and always got along like house on fire, we saw each other through the end of controlling relationships and grew closer. I grew through knowing her to realise she was as beautiful inside as she is outside. About 4 years ago I realised i really loved her for all the right reasons, when after time she told me she felt the same my heart broke with happiness, she was indeed the one for me. We talk about everything and deal with all issues through talking and consensus of opinion. I cant honestly remember when weve ever parted on bad terms. She has two teenage daughters living with her and ive always agreed they come first so our relationship revolves pretty much around their lives. I was fine with that i willingly accepted them all as a package. Interference from her former husband into our lives was constant when he realised we were an item to the extent that i had to take legal action after he started to say horrible cruel things about me and trying to undermine me to his kids. It got to the stage they even asked me why did he hate me so much and say bad things about me? I always replied neutrally to placate them i had no issues with him. I think to some degree thats why we have not moved in together to save the kids being used as pawns by him. When my dad passed in 2014 she was my rock and did everything right, i loved her even more. Her dad had numerous medical problems we resolved them together on occassion i spent nights at hospital with him to allow her to rest. Every stress which confronted us we dealt with through talking then dealing in a unified way. Her brother passed in may this year and we travelled to his funeral.Again we talked when she needed and i listened when she needed. Over last few months i have spent much more time on my own with fewer invites to do everyday stuff with them, i went along as i thought thats what she needed. Time together was as normal so i belived i was doing the right thing and giving her space i beleved she needed. Two kids and a dad in a care home i understood her pressures. My work load went haywire overnight and my only solace was her, either texting or spending couple hours here or there. Sometimes though I've felt alone in a relationship. Bout five wks ago her brothers ashes came home and when she asked if it was okay for just family, her, her dad and kids to bury the ashes, i have to say i was deeply hurt but kept responses low key and let her know i would respect her wishes if thats what she wanted. Inside i was crushed i thought i was part of the family and this was different from how we'd dealt with every other stress scenario, i felt like i was getting a message, probably wrongly. I had always been her go to guy. 50 minutes before the burial of the ashes she texted to ask if i wanted to go with them to do so. I couldnt have done so in time so wished her all the best hoping she got peace and comfort from the event and some closure for her and her family.Week or so later we had time alone and i told her how i was feeling about not seeing them,asking to be he more included in stuff.Thats all ive ever wanted, to be there.Talks were okay and enquired her reason and thoughts for not wanting me there, she didnt think it was a big deal but was sorry i was hurt, she thought i couldn't be bothered spending time with them. She was always telling me of the running about she was doing after her kids and dad and and wasnt inviting me so like i say i thought i was honouring her wishes and giving space. Next couple of weekends were great and felt we and she were fine, parting with her telling me how much she loved me and I her. Two weeks ago i asked to see if they wanted to do anything, her responses via text didnt answer my suggestion and if im honest i felt that i was getting brush off. I phoned and she pretty much said she just wanted to he with them after return from holiday with their dad, i asked to go over but to spend time and see her and kids, she said yeah but then admitted she wanted it to be her and them for that weekend. We chatted bout recent talks to spend more time together she said, if she had time after her visit to her dad on sunday she would stop by. It never happened. I spoke with her on the evening and eventually talks got back to internment of the ashes and she said i didnt really know her brother and we werent living together so it wasnt a big thing? I asked if that meant the relationship wasnt regarded as serious then and she aplogised saying she didnt really know what she was saying. The next part stuns and haunts me... The admission she wasnt sure how she felt and wanting a break. My world collapsed. After we talked a little more she admitted that she had been feeling this on and off for months and as we hadnt been seeing much of each other she didnt think i could be bothered. I tried to clear this up, this really wasnt the case, i spent weeks waiting on call or invitation to be with them before we cleared the air but it often didnt happen. She couldnt telll me if she was in love with me but also wasn't sure if she wanted us over. Really confusing.i didnt want this but tried to agree and work out perameters of the break in terms of contact. I spoke with her in person next day and her body language was pretty cool/cold with little emotion. I agreed to no contact. I saw her at work two days later and seeing her almost broke me.so made excuses and left. She texted that nite wishing me a good nite, the text caused me to break into floods of tears so i texted lettig her know it was nice to hear from her and wishing her the same. Thinking lines of communication were open i sent similar textd the next day ignored completely. I was using text to try put my feelings down in words to try understand and i ended up sending it. We spoke on the phone for a short while and i suggested counselling for us both, for me to understand how to help and more importantly to give her the support she may need to help her through her journey and maybe further down the line go together to see if we could work on stuff together. She would think about it was the only response. She agreed she would keep lines of communication open.The week previous i was was really really lost without being able to see her so i thought i would send big bouquet of flowers while i was away with work to let her know i cared. They arrived two days after the last call with the message, thinking of you, love mr mysterious (something i would use valentines day) she thanked me via very very short text, that was the last i heard from her a week ago. Many may chastise me for not backing off completely and i understand your rationale for doing so, i havent contacted her in any way and wait for her to initiate communication now. I worry about her all the time and miss her so much it hurts, dont know how to deal with this. Its not about me i know, she has to negotiate her own path through this which i fully respect in her own time, just so helpless and useless and going stir crazy.