mamasgirl

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I am having a real hard time dealing with everything it's three months my mum left us.

KayC thank you for your words but I think I am losing it completely now, i just don't see how her death was justified, no goodbyes, no I love you/look after yourselves, nothing, she just went, like that, in a snap. I don't know what's worse, I think with peopl with terminal illnesses at least they and their families are prepared.. I don't know I know its horrible and any kind of loss is just it, a loss... I am truly sorry for the death of your husband, is just that now I don't know how to cope, my younger brother is having panic attacks, although he keeps saying he does jot think about mum and its not because of that, but I know its anxiety and the fact that he is missing her terribly. i

Dear Marty, thank you for your words, it's horrible how I feel how my brother feels, only we understand each other, we have dad but is he nearly 70 and he does not understand grief. Yesterday we ended up in emergency as my brother started hyperventilating, I have never seen him like this. I don't know how if there's a God, how he could be so so cruel. Our light has gone, we will never be the same happy people we used to be. I wish I had shown more appreciation to my mum and understood her better like my brother did but sadly I feel I put a preference on my father. Now things are so bad I have started blaming him in my heart.. I know it's wrong but I don't know how to cope I am going insane now! There are some lovely people here and I am truly grateful to all. I just hope all this passes and I am fearful that something will happen to my brother or father and I will end up alone in this world :(((

Thank you KayC, I broke down yesterday, my brother and father were there to listen and support me with the guilt, I keep replaying the day when I dropper the idea of changing the tickets to extend our stay celebrate diwali.. the chikungunya virus was endemic between August-November, if we had left as planned in late August she would have been saved I cant forgive myself

Hi KayC, thank you for your empathy.. I cant break down in front of my brother and father, I hold tears, bro is already in a depressive state, a young man breaking like this.. I don't know what to do. The doctor is well connected he is from a reputed government hospital, he treats ministers and the like.. I did want to report him to police for negligence but family advised against it, it would have been a long case and they have several ways to prove that they did the right thing. He is in India and we came back to UK, it was hard spending another day there in the house where mum spent her last days. Its awful how he missed it, but my cousin who us a doctor in US said that a perforated bowel and sepsis need to be diagnosed early only then there's a chance of survival, if any. Moreover even the hospital could not diagnose that it was a perforated bowel until the X-rays came it took them 36 hours. I think now, if i saw someone in a similar condition and symptoms the first thing I would say is sepsis and there could be an abdominal rupture. Unfortunately at that time these words were alien I wish mum had complained strongly about the pain and thar we go to emergency sooner, she knew the pain best, we were blinded by her other symptoms.

Kayc and George thank you so Much! We trusted the experts, we trusted twenty year relationship of the family physician who broke our trust by not even touching her sore abdomen,. Surely he would have known about the perforation but he was more worried about making money and attending his beeline of patients. I had never seen the ICU of a hospital in my life, all these terms seemed a new language that I didn't know: acidosis, electrolytes, perforation, peritonitis, creatinine. my guilt comes from the fact that we got complacent and kept thinking all symptoms are limited to chikungunya and that must be it , worse of all, if I had not dropped the idea of celebrating Diwali (it's like Hindu Christmas) together we would have left India and she would have not caught the bug. I didn't comfort her, finally when she consented to go to hospital we were happy because we thought now she'll receive the drips and they'll find out why she's suffering but they said she's critical with failed kidneys when we reached! How could all this happen between the 26th Sep and 01 oct? Now I feel awful, I am resentful towards my father whom I loved to death, I feel that st least he should have pushed us to take her to hospital sooner but he was abroad and he couldn't see her in person, he finally managed to come all the way from Africa but it was too late. My mums death has altered the equation and love I had for my father, I feel I am now burdened with looking after the house and brother and father.. I have no job now, but I don't even have the time to look for one. My body is giving up as I feel under tremendous pressure and get so tired with all chores on my own no help. She left me all by myself to struggle and naturally I feel guilty for harbouring such thoughts but I feel deeply frustrated. Sorry guys for ranting but I have no other outlet my once happy and carefree life has turned to immediate darkness and I don't know how this nightmare will end. I wish she had taken me with her I just hope my life comes to an end soon.. I can't kill myself because I don't have the courage and I can't leave my brother alone :(((

Hi, I am not quite sure why I am posting this, I guess to vent out as I have no other outlet. My mother was 62 type two diabetes and suffered from hypertension for many years. She developed Chikungunya infection according to our family physician on 24-26 Sep and on the 29th sudden back and abdominal pain, however fever had subsided. There was dengue and chikungunya epidemic in India at this time and the Physician who had been treating her for nearly 20 years went by her symptoms. The Initial blood test which he finally took on the 29th after her condition deteriorated revealed low platelet count 95,000 which he said was still 'safe', the only thing he said was that it was important to keep her hydrated so she needed a drip at any local hospital. By this time she could barely move and her abdominal pain just got worse and it was badly swollen, all this time she kept saying she was fine and that she will be fine. Our father was abroad and it was only myself and my younger brother, we had no other friend or family except an aunt who herself had suffered chikungunya. By this time we really got worried because mum could not even move to use the bathroom. She had not passed urine for a day not had a bowel movement for a day, but this we thought was because she was not eating and drinking for two days and also because she was extremely weak to get up and use the loo. We finally convinced her to come to hospital as she was not getting better and the fever usually lasts 5-7 days and people start getting better while she didn't. We took her to emergency at a large private hospital and they ran tests saw her low platelet report which was worrying they said and found that her creatinine and potassium was too high she had electrolyte imbalance and her kidneys have shut down, also she had acidosis. They put her on dialysis and she kept getting worse although levels did come down. On second day in ICU they found air leaking from her intestine, they said she needed emergency surgery with only a 10% survival chance, she made it through surgery they said she had perforation peritonitis. The next day morning her BP dropped. They gave her meds to increase BP but nothing worked, last resort was blood transfusion but she passed away in septic shock. We are not aware of any diverticulitis or similar problem, she didn't have any abdominal pain recently only she went to to toilet a lot, this was not unusual as she always said she has soft bowel. How could we have saved her? They diagnosed perforation after 36hours in Hospital through x-ray. What might have caused the perforation? Was chukungunya responsible? How soon if we had taken her to hospital she would have survived? I lost the most amazing person in my life, I never ever expected that my beautiful mum would just leave like this, on the second day even though she had all the tubes, central IV, food pipes etc, she believed me when Intold her that they were only going to clean her blood because she had bad toxins that were causing her problems, she listened to me and that's it, that's the last time we spoke and she heard me, after that she was sedated because she she was on ventilator, we didn't get the chance to say good bye, she is only 62, none of us are married, she will never see anyone's wedding if that at all happens, i never expressed how much she meant to us, that i valued every single sacrifice she made for us, i was recently frustrated as everything in my life especially work had taken a turn for the worse, I was isolated, I have no friends, I look after the house also and I get frustrated with household duties and responsibilities, I barely had time for myself or to sit and reflect over things with my mum, I did break down a couple of times and she had promised me that she will support me in anything I chose to do in future, I feel guilty as I should have not complained to her about anything and pretended that all is well like I had done in the past, I didn't express my love and gratitude as much as I should have. We had come to India and we're meant to go back to Uk in july, however a wedding on her side came up which she wanted to attend so much, I hate weddings I had said no but later I consented because she'd said they won't go without me, so we ended up changing reservations. After that Diwali was so near and I said since we are staying back maybe we could celebrate it together and then go back. This is the biggest mistake of my life, it turned out to be the darkest Diwali because she passed away two weeks before that! If I had not said this, we would have gone back in August and none of this would have happened, perhaps it was chikungunya that caused kidney failure and perforation, which eventually led to sepsis and ultimately she died of septic shock. I kept looking at her while she was sick but I had never imagined that between the 26th and 3rd she would just not live! Even with viral it takes 3-4 days at least until people get better, I was ignorant, i should have opened my mind and my eyes and taken her to hospital as soon as she developed abdominal pain but I didn't and she would have not consented, she had more trouble getting up because she was overweight, nearly 100 kgs. We left it too long, my negligence killed her, all education etc went waste because i behaved worse than anyone I know. I hate myself, it's just horrible how I feel now, she just left us so suddenly and abruptly, my brother is in depression, I am pulling things together and I see darkness everywhere, life has no meaning, no purpose I wish She would have taken me with her, i can't bear this loneliness, it's awful. I could have saved her if I had taken her to hospital even two days before, I could have saved her if we had taken her to a good gastroentologist to check why she went to the toilet so much. But we took her to a reputed gastro last year and he was awful and my mum felt very depressed, he had ordered some tests which she never took. We could not force her because she had improved. Before the fever her August bloods were perfect her creatinine, potassium etc were all in perfect normal ranges. I fail to understand how she deteriorated in literally 5-6 days and was deemed critical as soon as we reached emergency. I never ever thought I would lose her like this, she didn't even talk to us before going, she loved her children more than anything and anybody in the world, she was completely selfless, I just wish I could have expressed more and had the peace of mind that I didn't leave any stone unturned in trying to save her, but the fact that I didn't haunts me all the time, I keep looking at forums, at diagnosis of the disease to understand what happened to her and why so quickly that her body didn't get any chance to recoup. Once a person dies, he/she just dies, it's a lie when people say she is with you, that her soul is with you, I don't have any such feeling all I know is that she is dead, I held her cold feet in the ICU watching as her blood pressure dropped but at the end I could not beat it anymore when they said she will not make it, I left the room eventually so our father and her brother could be with her. I simply didn't want to have the picture of her dying for the rest of my life, perhaps I hurt her she must have looked for me, because they say that even after you pass you can hear.. I hate myself, I wish I had taken better care of her, never complained about silly things and showed her more that I love her and that I'd need her no matter how old I grow. We celebrated her birthday 12 days before she left us.. it's horrible and unfair, she had a blind faith in God and this is what she got. There's so much I could have possibly done to prevent what haooebed, if only we'd gone back in August she would have not fallen sick or if we had been in london the doctors are more efficient and they would have saved her rather than ignoring her perforation symptoms Pls help as these answers will put my mind to rest and give me some clarity. Heartfelt thank uou

Sorry Robert, you are the best son she could ever have. I am tru,y sorry for your loss and can only imagine how you must feel, I lost my mum who is 62 on the 4th last month, and I am living with guilt because I didn't react quickly enough and didn't spend enough time listening to her and cuddling her when she wanted me to, I am an aadi, daughter and I hate myself and will never forgive myself. You on the other side dis everything you could have as a human. My mum was fine she had fever and went into sudden kidney failure and perforated bowel within a span of 7-8 days, it all happened so suddenly we didn't get a chance to think rationally, physician said it was a viral and chicungunya so he ignored her abdominal issues which turned out to be a medical emergency. i hope you'll find comfort In The knowledge that shw knew you did your best and that you loved her dearly, where I failed, I feel terrible. Full of guilt Miserable because I should have kept my eyes open and taken her to hospital rather tha listening to the family doctors crap, She was wonderful and perhaps I didn't deserve such a sweet mum, she will never ever come back, she didn't know what was happening to her, the last thing I told her is that they were going to clean her blood as shw had toxins (dialysis) i couldn't say goodbye and that I love her dearly as she was under sedation after surgery, its a horrible life now I wish I could die ans be with her tight away