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About Roy

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    New Visitor
  • Birthday 09/16/1965

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  • Location (city, state)
    Toronto, Canada
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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    toronto canada
  1. Jenn I could never bring myself to just talk to the ceiling as if to my partner until the first year anniversary of his death - when I spent a full hour, or more, at just this. When you ended your first-year anniversary post by saying you needed to talk things through and create a solution with your husband ... I so hope this happened! Not a mortgage, but a lease. I'm in a similar situation of living under an agreement that is not in my name - in fact, since June, I just don't have a lease - and I have hardly a friend to talk to, much less a friend who would help me move if this fell apart. Friends and family have no solutions and simply change the subject when raised. All I can do is wait and see - and to trust in Paul. You say that you think of how things might be if your husband, Jeff, were here. I believe that Paul would be as paralysed as I - the difference being that we'd be in this together - but that a solution will come to me just as it would (and perhaps will) to him. At times I think "Okay, it's all very well that there are others who understand grief - but I have far bigger problems than this" and I see this as something freakish. It isn't. It's a complicating factor, but it's inter-related - I don't have the income that I did with a partner - and this is a part of the loss that I've suffered. I have to believe that God smiles upon me just as does others grieving their partners - that if I pay attention to my grief, as any other, financial solutions (as part of this) will follow. Don't stop seeking your husband's advice. Don't stop asking what your lives would be together if your husband, Jeff, were here. All of my best wishes to you and your young son. Roy
  2. KayC You made me smile in your acknowlegement that you want but don't want friends. When Paul died I had 30 messages piled up in my voicemail that I would listen to over and over while not returning a single one. When the phone stopped and I had no new messages, I thought "No, I've been abandoned!" - and I cried and cried. It still baffles my mind as I try and determine "Did they drop me or did I drop them? Or did these once-close bonds just break down on their own?" I think now that my life revolved so much around Paul that I have nothing to talk about - and that I won't until someone new. Friends will come back after this. And if they don't ... ? They're not who I'm really missing, are they? I remember dealing with systems and bureaucracies too. Paul and I had a video account that we shared which had some minor unpaid fines. When they asked, as they did, if I was Paul or Roy, I was touched by the memory and I sentimentally explained that, no, Paul was gone. "Oh, in that case, we'll forgive the fines. Let me just erase him from the computer" they said, and on the click of a mouse it was over! I was so upset I walked out into traffic coming home - confused and disoriented over the question of how "My Pookums" could not be here, any record of his existence / our association obliterated. I tossed and I turned though that whole night trying to devise some kind of subversive plan that would have him reinstated. In time, I accepted this additional loss and I just stopped doing business with them. It seems to be one thing after another of letting go of the life we shared and praying for something ... someone, somewhere ... to rebuild a life around. They say nothing is ever lost - that it's only displaced - and I hope they're right! In the meantime, perhaps, we can cry together for the friends we don't want who aren't there for us. It's confusing and upsetting. Roy
  3. KayC When my same-sex partner died 14 months ago, many seemed wanting to share secrets with me that they knew would hurt me. I cut them off at every pass and I'm glad I did. First, they seemed needing to feel that they had been of greater importance to him than had been apparent to them through his present life with me. In this they were surely deceiving themselves while imposing the particulars of their grief upon me - making me feel that I had been lied to, (where they by themselves, then me by Paul). Second, there will be at least one future love in my own life beyond Paul. Of others in Paul's life, I am thankful. I just don't feel that hurting a person's grieving loved ones is something people do out of love. I believe you summed it up best on your own when you said "She wasn't what he needed and he knew that." Roy