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Blackie

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Everything posted by Blackie

  1. Two years ago when we lost our adored little doggy, I would wake up at night and be crying. You always held me so tight and even though you usually cried too,i felt the comfort of your arms and it became ok. Now I awake at night and I have no comfort. So I just cry. Today we would have gone to one of your favorite haunts, all your friends would have been delighted to see you and we would all drink to the joy of your special day. I love you, I love you. My life will never be the same.
  2. Annie, I so sad and so sorry for you. You should be angry. I am and I'm hardly involved. The anguish you must be feeling goes way beyond what I have ever suffered. You are an amazing person to be able to care for your father. I know the road ahead will be awful for you. I offer you every bit of strength that I have. Blackie
  3. I have tried to do all the "right" things. I found a job that would keep me connected to people, I joined a gym and make myself go two or three times a week, I try to eat healthy foods (when I can eat), I joined a garden club to try and develop new hobbies and friends. But I find that all I do is watch TV and sleep. And I have never been a TV watcher (at least that means I'm not watching reruns). It seems that nothing really helps me (although I do wonder how much worse I would feel if I hadn't done those things). Everyone says that in time I will feel better and come to terms with my new life. But then I read posts here of those who are still suffering years later. I really don't think I can live like this for years. I also find being social and making small talk virtually impossible. I know that I make others uncomfortable. For me sleeping and watching TV get me through one more day to that point in time when I really want to join the world. I sometimes wonder if I'm not avoiding something and that it's my own fault for not trying harder to become a more normal person. But I guess I just don't have the strength that having my man next to me provided to move on. It's been 7 months (217 days) since I've been so completely alone. I no longer cry constantly so I suppose that's progress. But I'm still searching for a reason why I should even be here. And I don't feel that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. This experience is far too painful for the short 27 years that preceded it. While everyone around me keeps talking about moving on with my life and how wonderful the next 27 years will be if I give it a chance, I will never let that kind of attachment and dependence develop again. Which means that I will live with this loneliness for the rest of my life. So I'm just trying to get used to being this sad forever. And I'm very sorry for being so depressing when I really wanted to offer some help and support.
  4. Gaby, I feel so awful for you. I too lost all of the last photos that I had of my man. They were on one of those little cards that go into the camara and I left it laying on the counter in the bathroom at the end of the day at work. The next day of course it was gone and no one had seen it (even the night cleaning staff...although I'm pretty sure that's where it went). It seemed at the time like the worst thing that could have happened to me (which wasn't true, the worst thing had happened weeks before). I too felt incredibly stupid and irresponsible and just plain hearbroken that I would never see that last photo of him again (that's the one that meant the most). I wish I could help you get your priceless computer data back and I wish that I had not put that photo card down on the counter for one minute as I washed my hands. I say it's all the fault of our computerized existence...it's not us! Please don't blame yourself too much, and please try not to dwell too much on what happened. I did for weeks and I still do often and I can see that I'll never get them back either. I had looked at the very last picture often and now I picture it in my mind and have tried to burn it in there so I'll remember. This is all so hard and you are so new at this that it seems like never ending agony. After 6 months, I can say that it still is never ending agony but it really will get better with time. Hang in there. I'm sure we'll all feel better after the 'holidays.'
  5. It's been six months since my husband of 32 years died. The pain does not get better and I still want to die. But I get through every day somehow. For almost 4 months I only saw shades of gray and brown. I literally could not see color. Then one evening I noticed a brilliant orange sunset. It only lasted a few minutes but I thought about it constantly until I could see the green of foliage and grass. I still have days when every thing is either gray or brown. The pain, the loneliess, the fear are with me constantly but I have learned to see color again. I too am hoping for that magical time when my beautiful memories bring me joy instead of searing despair. Hang in there. Somehow we'll all get through it. Don't worry about crying, we'll cry together.
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