Laurie

Well, I hope everyone got through okay. I waited until almost the last minute to shop and wrap and worked all night long the night before Christmas Eve. I made 55 deli platters in the store where I work. So that kept me busy and tired me out. I did ok last night with getting the kids to bed and putting the presents under the tree, although it did upset me to write on the tags just "Love Mommy." or Santa, no Mommy and Sean. But I was ok when I went to bed, and I prayed like I always do and talked to Sean so long that I fell asleep doing it. The kids let me sleep until 8:00, and I was ok watching them open presents. We watched a new DVD together, but when they all went downstairs to play their new video games, I just went back to bed and cried and cried. It just seemed to really hit me all of a sudden. I stayed in there most of the day until dinner, which I couldn't keep down. Sean's ex wife called tonight. She's in town and Sean's son wants to see me and the boys. So they'll be coming over tomorrow night after I get home from my brothers. We have to do the whole big family thing tomorrow, since some are out of state. So I'm happy that we'll get to see Sean jr. but at the same time, a little nervous that it's going to be so upsetting. We always got him (from Boston) the day after Christmas until the end of Christmas break. I do have something special to give him though. I found a whole box Sean had saved of cards, notes and pictures he and his son had written to eachother since his son was in kindergarten. He's 17 now. (I'm sure they will mean a lot to Sean jr's Mom too) Also, I'm going to give him a gold watch that Sean recieved as an award for excellence at his job. On the gold face of the watch is an engraved train. Sean was a terminal manager for CSX RailRoad in Philadelphia. He had caught a major mistake, involving a dangerous chemical load that probably saved many lives. So that's how he earned the watch. I think his son would love to have it. So anyway, it was a tough day. I hope the rest of you are doing alright. I'm wishing us all a better Christmas next year. Love, Laurie

Lori, How many times I have said "If I only had one more day." Did you start your new medication on Thursday? I know you were afraid to, but it does help. It's wierd how our own guilt feels so awful to us, but to other people it doesn't seem to them like it would be anything to be guily about. Do you know what I mean? Like to me, You took care of your Mom, you were there for her, you told her you loved her and I'm sure much more, and yet to you.. it wasn't enough. With me, when I talk about my guilt with Sean, everyone says he was a grown man, you weren't responsible for his meds and what he ate or didn't eat. BUT.. I constantly think, well maybe if I had just done this or that, he'd still be here. I know guilt is pretty common when we lose someone we love. But I guess no matter how many times we hear we shouldn't feel guilty, we are going to feel the way we feel. Well, we got through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now we have to do New Years, but by the time Spring comes maybe we'll be feeling better. I hope so. Love, Laurie

Derek, Do you mean that your sister heard Karen's voice saying her name? Wow! I would love to hear more stories like this if anyone has any. It makes me feel good to know our loved ones are around us. Laurie

When Sean died, it was a Sunday morning. 10 wk. ago. I think I've mentioned this before, but I woke up at 3:30 am that day and when I got the hospital records, that was his time of death. I didn't have any bad feeling at the time, but it was hard to get back to sleep. It wasn't until 7am that I found out. Every Sunday morning since then, except for one, I have woken up right before 3:30, usually like 3:20 or 3:25. I kind of believe that that night he died, I somehow sensed it. Maybe if he was thinking of me in those last moments, I was able to feel it somehow. Maybe his spirit came to me at his time of death to say goodbye, I don't know. But I wonder why it continues to happen every Sunday morning. How could I possibly know, when I am sleeping that that is the time? It's really strange. Anyone else have anything like this happening? Laurie

One of the things that I realized, and learned about grieving is it wasn't really helpful for me when so many people said, "Call me if you need anything." They say they don't want to call in case I'm not up to talking. Well, you don't have to answer the phone if you don't want to talk. I found it very helpful for the few friends who called almost every day, just to see how I was, and let me talk. And really, who's going to actually call someone and say, "Hey remember when you said, if I need anything? Well I'm not up to cooking, but my kids need to eat." I really appreciated the times that friends just showed up at my door with a casserole, pizzas, milk and bread, snacks for the kids etc... I appreciate the anonymous friend that left a Christmas tree on my front porch. These are the things that help, that let us know people really care. Not offering--- but just DOING. I know I have learned from this. Any times one of my friends or family is suffering from a loss, I'll know what to do. If nothing else, I think it does make us more caring and compassionate people. Laurie

Oh Lori, I know how horrible those panic and anxiety attacks can be. I also felt like I was really losing it and just freaking out. I went to my doctor at a spur of the moment during one of these times when I was totally out of control driving home from work. So he was able to see the condition I was in. That was when he put me on 300 mg Wellbutrin and the Xanax, one pill three times a day. I don't understand why you are only taking them as needed. Within a few days, the difference I felt was huge. I haven't tried Lexapro, but my therapist did say that alot of her patients find it works very good for them. I mentioned that to my doctor, but he wanted me to stick with these. I have a Christmas get-together Thursday night with my friends from work too. I'm really not in the mood but I think (hope) I'll be OK. Don't feel like you HAVE to go to that work party tonight. If you don't feel up to it, then just skip it. I can't imagine anyone not understanding why you'd miss it this year. Try taking that Xanax 3 times a day (if that's how it was prescribed for you) That was the only thing that stopped that terrified, out of control, crazy feeling for me. I pray for all of us here, but tonight I will say an extra prayer for you and your husband and boys, and for you to start feeling better soon. Love, Laurie

Lori, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. You and your Mom must have been so close and loved eachother so much. Are you still avoiding taking any medicine? I know you said you don't like to, but the Wellbutrin and Xanax are really helping to calm me. I'm still hurting alot, but I am crying less and have stopped freaking out--screaming. Christmas shopping is hard. Went the first time to Target today for the X-Box 360. I rewarded myself by going to Barnes and Nobles and looking through some books on loss and healing, while eating a biscotti and some frothy vanilla-cinnamon coffee concoction for $5!!! Take care of yourself. I'm sure you're boys are getting excited about Christmas. I know it's hard, but try to get into it a little bit. I'm not in the mood either, and I haven't decorated except for the tree someone left on my front porch. My oldest son brought it in and set it up, and the two younger ones decorated it. I want to buy a special angel ornament for Sean and hang it on the tree. I hope you're feeling better soon. Love, Laurie

I had to go to the hospital where Sean died yesterday. My son got his front tooth knocked out playing hockey. No dentist offices open on Sundays, so I had to take him to the ER. It was just those little cubicles with the curtains around them, but I clearly remembered the one Sean was in, just a few down, that was tough and it made me feel sick. I went into the bathroom and saw that my face and neck were beet red, don't know why. But that wasn't where he died. I thought about going up to the 2nd floor, to that room but I couldn't. Eventually we had to be transported by ambulance to another hospital where they had someone who specializes in dental surgery. What a crazy day, my brother had to come and pick up my little one, as they wouldn't let him in the ambulance with us. I had to call my ex-husband to pick us up at 1am. He drove us back to the first hospital, where I had left my car eleven hours earlier with a trunk full of groceries! We got home at 2am to find someone had left a Christmas tree on our porch. What a day!!! And I had to be at work at 6am the next morning. I should sleep good tonight! So the tooth is back in, we just have to hope the roots "take." There is a 40 percent chance of that, otherwise he'll have to have a root canal. We decorated the tree tonight and the kids were happy about that. Well, I feel like I'm going on and on. I need sleep! Laurie

Michael, I'm so sorry for your loss. We all seem to have some sort of guilt here. You did what you did out of love. I have a lot of guilt and regrets after losing my fiancee, but I try to remember that what really matters is that we loved eachother very much. I know what you mean about feeling like there is just too much in your head to cope with. It all just feels like it's spinning around so fast you can't keep up. I was also getting sick every day and having panic/anxiety attacks, crying constantly. The only thing that helped me was Wellbutrin and Zanax. I am doing so much better after only being on them for a week. I don't know how you feel about meds like that, but maybe it could help you. Just remember you dropped everything to care for your Mom, and you did what you did out of love. Laurie

Thank you Lori, The doctor put me on Zanax too. He said it will help me sleep. He changed the Wellbutrin from 150 mg to 300 mg. I described to him how I'm feeling and he said when you're grieving, you can feel like that for up to 2 years. I also lost a lot of weight, 16 lb. I started another cleaning job today. It went well, but as soon as I left I felt so sad. I just want to tell Sean about things, things that happen, and I can't. Well I do, I talk to him all the time. But he can't answer me. I still beg him for signs to let me know he's ok. It hurts so bad. Lori, I never really thought too much about losing my parents. But since talking to you, and needing her now through this, it makes me realize how hard it must be. I think of you when I call my Mom now, and I realize how hard it must be to not have that. It's very scary to me now to know that this isn't gonna be the only time I'll lose someone I love. Life is hard, and very sad. Love, Laurie

Thanks Chrissy, I know it's gonna take time. I guess I just have to hang on and wait. This might sound strange, but this is the only time in my life that I couldn't have something I really wanted. Ya know what I mean? It doesn't matter how much I cry plead or beg, I can't have him back, no matter what. I know your husband was young too, and it hurts so bad that they had so many more years they should have lived. So many years they should have been here with us. Reborn is a good way of putting the way this changes you. I know I will be a better, more compassionate person for it. It sure does teach you what's really important in life, and to make sure you make the most of it. Thanks, Love Laurie

Thank you Benita, I have a doctor apt. today and I'm going to ask him if I might need something stronger than the wellbutrin I'm taking. I also started seeing a therapist too. The way you described how you felt up until two weeks ago is exactly how I'm feeling now. Love, Laurtie

Nobody seems to understand why I don't want to hear the Christmas music either, and I work in a store that plays it constantly. I will get a tree, and shop for presents for the kids of course, but I'll be forcing myself. I don't want to. My Mom called me last night to tell me a Hallmark Christmas movie was on, and I should turn it on. I said "I can't. It's too hard." She doesn't understand why I'm not excited about Christmas. She doesn't seem to really get it. I guess no one does, until they go through it themself. It's been eight weeks and it feels like a lifetime ago, but it also seems like yesterday. Strange, everything is strange now. I'm going to say a prayer tonight that at this time next year, we'll all be looking forward to Christmas. I sure hope so, Laurie

Thanks Deborah, I hope those constant thoughts eventually stop. I want to be able to think about other things too. I know, it does make you crazy that everyone around us just keeps on going. I'm tired all the time too, and achy too. I don't sleep well, plus I'm emotionally exhausted. All I can think today is, How does anyone get through this????? It doesn't seem possible. I guess we just have to trust that time will help, I hope so because this is so horrible. Laurie

Does anyone know what I mean when I say I feel completly out of control? It's the only way I can think to describe it. My head is just so full of stuff that I can't even comprehend it all. It feels like I can't keep up with my thoughts. I think about Sean and our relationship and his death every single second. It's already in my head when I wake up, I would think there would be a moment when I woke up that I'd remember, but I already know. Is this how it is for everyone? Even while taking care of my kids, working, talking to people, all these thoughts are spinning around in my head. I can't clear it, I cry, I write, I talk to Sean, but it doesn't stop. Is this what happens? Does it stop after a while? All I do is cry and think constantly. I feel like I can't cope with this. Laurie

Kay, I hope so much that you'll find a way to keep your home. I think it would be so hard to leave the home you shared. I know it would break my heart to leave here. I found out that I can't refinance. I have an adjustable mortgage at 7.57% now, with a cap of 9.95%. I called so many companies but my debt to income ratio is too high, and my credit rating is too low. All I can do is hope the interest rate doesn't climb all the way up too fast. In the meantime, I'll try to improve my credit score. Some days the sadness and worries are just spinning around so fast in my head. It makes me feel so out of control. I asked my Mom and Dad if they could come earlier than usual for Christmas this year. I need them here. They'll be here in a week or so. I thank God for my family and friends. My sister in law sent me a package today with a musical card and a beautiful journal. My friend brought me over an early Christmas present, a beautiful silver sweater. And my brother stopped by and gave me a Christmas card with $300 in it for presents for the kids. Don't know how I'd have made it this far without them and all of you here. I pray for all of us, and our families every night. Love you all, Laurie

Kay, You've helped all of us many many times with your words. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time now. I understand not wanting to do Christmas. I don't either but my kids are young, so I have to. What if you got a smaller tree this year? and maybe buy an angel ornament for George to hang on it. I also get mad at Sean sometimes for not taking better care of himself, for not trying harder. At times I've even wished I'd never met him, because then I wouldn't have loved him and I wouldn't be hurting like this. I know you're a strong person, people say that about me too, but I don't think anyone could be strong all the time after losing the one we love. When you can get to your doctor, maybe you should ask for an anti-depressant. It might just ease the stress a little bit. It HAS to get easier Kay. It just has to, This happens every day to other people and somehow they go on. I know we will always miss them. That's because we loved them so much. But I think that one day we WILL feel hope and happiness again. Maybe you could write George a nice long letter today telling him how you feel. I forget if you've said you do that, but it does help me even though I cry while I'm writing. Love, Laurie

Lani and Bob, I'm so sorry about Boy. It sounds like you loved him so much and gave him a wonderful life, one he wouldn't have gotten to live at all. You should both be so proud that you gave him that chance and so much love and happiness in his life. I had a diabetic cat once, my Joey.. he was the best cat I ever had. The whole neighborhood loved him. I know it's so hard, like when you go on vacation and need someone to care for them. I loved reading about his antics! What a great personality! No wonder you love him so much. Laurie

Thanks Janie, I try to believe that too. Have you always had religion in your life, even before losing Mike? Love, Laurie

Derek, What a sweet and caring boy you have! Kids are amazing. My boys have been so good, helping me and giving me extra hugs. We are very lucky to have them! Laurie

Thank you everyone for writing. I haven't been online in a few days. I kind of crashed, just crying, listening to "our music", looking at pictures and our cards and letters. I just miss him so so much, and I feel so much sadness over what we lost, what could have been. Lori, I'm going to the doctor on Monday and I'm going to ask him about sleeping pills. I also beg Sean for signs all the time. Little things have happened, but not anything that really convinced me that it wasn't just a coincidence. I try so hard to believe, but it's hard for me. Kay, It does make me feel good that we loved eachother so much. I found another card today, stuck in a kitchen cabinet from my birthday in September. I had forgotten about it. He had filled the whole inside of it with such loving sweet words. I love him so much. Sue, I'm sorry and I know it's so fresh for you too. It's so good that you and Ernie had that time to make things right, and say what you wanted to say. I felt so terrible and guilty for not forgiving Sean for his mistakes, but a friend told me that I "did forgive him, by taking him back." So maybe I didn't say it in so many words, but I did take him back to try to give us a chance because I loved him and missed him. I wish I could say that I honestly feel I did the best I could. I know that I could have done more, and done better. I wish I had the chance to do it over, but I know that all I can do is learn from it. Derek, You give me some hope. Knowing that it is starting to get a little better for you now makes me feel better. It makes me think that maybe someday, I'll be happy again too. By the way, I sleep next to a yellow Lab. I Love You All, Laurie

Thank you so much Derek. God bless you

I had such a bad night last night. I cried when I went to bed and it took me a while to fall asleep. I woke up at 3am feeling worse than I've felt ever. I felt like I just couldn't stand it anymore, like I was going crazy. I wonder if I'm having a nervous breakdown, is this what it feels like? I can't stop thinking of my regrets. I try to think of the happy times, but my head is so full of the bad stuff. I can't even beleive the mean and hurtful things I said to him sometimes. Just because he hurt me, I had to keep hurting him over and over. Why couldn't I have just let it go? Why didn't I realize that nothing is more important than love? I have been writing letters to Sean, telling him how I feel and how sorry I am. I feel like I am just existing now to raise my boys, and waiting to die. I can't even beleive this happened, but I almost feel like I deserve the pain. Laurie

Mary, I'm so sorry for you and I feel your pain. I can relate to everything you wrote. I lost my fiancee Oct. 8th, he was only 43. I'm glad that you are recovering, physically. I know it's hard for you that you couldn't go to his funeral, but you still can say goodbye. You can talk to him whenever you want. It does seem unbeleivable, but I do it anyway, hoping it's true that they can see and hear us. So tell him everything you want to say. Also you can write him letters, it seems strange and it was hard for me to write the first one, but now I do it a lot. I also feel like I'll never have that kind of love in my life again, and it's so hard to beleive this happened. But everyone says it does get better. I know right now every day and night are such an effort, but somehow we have to just keep going, doing our regular stuff. We are probably both starting to come out of shock now, so maybe this is the lowest point. My doctor started me on an anti-depressant last week, but it hasn't started helping yet, they say it takes a few weeks. Keep writing Mary, it does help a little to talk to people who know how you feel. Laurie

Derek, I have mortgage, utilities, and a few credit cards (about $5000 bal. total on 3 cards) My car is paid for, although it's very old so I don't know how long it will last. My kids can't collect social security because Sean isn't their father. My ex-husband pays child support. They are 17, 14 and 9. For right now, I'm ok and I'm working alot. I just worry about a year or so from now, when the money starts to run out. I'm one of those people that falls into the cracks, I don't make enough money, yet I make too much to qualify for any help. I'm just worrying about the future. Friends have said "Don't worry, you'll meet someone else by then." and I hate thinking about that. I can't even imagine being with anyone else. Thanks Derek. Laurie