Patrick12

In my daily journaling I am moving from anger and resentment regarding my sisters death and our history together. I came to see that my anger at her loss was beginning to hurt me by the mere fact of holding onto it. It is at this point that a "switch" happened. I began to forgive and ask forgiveness of her, and enter the realm of gratitude. At this point I just wish to be stepped in the forgiveness, gratitude, and peace.

Thanks to all who have responded to my posts. It has helped a great deal.

Thanks for the responses Maty T and KayC. The daily journaling with the death of my sister has led me to move to my Mom's passing. Again I was caught off guard I thought that I was solely focused on my sister's death and now my Mom who died 8 years after my sister has come center stage. Mom was 94 years old when she passed. There is tremendous healing going on within me from the love I felt and received from my Mom as I remember her during this time. I need not be shocked as I know intellectually that there is no rhyme or reason to grieving.

I happened on a forgiveness exercise that has helped me get in touch with many things that I have held onto. One memory, though seemingly insignificant to many, but powerful to me, is the loss of my dog when I was like 6 or 7 years old. It was shocking to me that I welled up with tears as I recalled the events surrounding this loss, and who I thought was responsible for this loss . It seems I was carrying this resentment for many years. Thankful for the healing taking place.

I want to let go of the resentment but as Fred Larkin describes "it is like taking off an old coat that has been strangling me". I have worn this coat so long it's difficult to let it go. Sometimes I feel like it is dissipating (resentment) only to come back . I pray that God gives me the grace to forgive completely.

Thanks Marty T and kayc for your responses. My Sis was a very caring person. It is somewhat a surprise to me that some parts of the day now are ok , feeling wise, and some parts of the day are not. I know it is part of the grieving process but it is difficult times that are hard for me. I have started journaling to my sister. It has helped me a lot to move through the difficult periods. In the journaling I discovered that I have been holding onto alot of resentment towards her ex-husband who was very abusive towards her , her children, and me. In the past I dealt with the abuse in therapy and thought that I was pretty much healed from it. So, I am surprised that I have held onto this resentment. Knowing a lot about the grieving process (not my first rodeo) I am at a critical junction, i.e. hold onto the resentment or begin to let it go through forgiveness. I understand that forgiveness is for me; not necessarily for him or her. Does this sound like I am on a good track or not? The more I choose to forgive the freer I am becoming.

My Sis, as I liked to call her was also my best friend. She was there for me through my life. She loved to celebrate especially Christmas. I was the only brother (out of 5) that had an on-going relationship with her, Though we were in different States we managed to spend time together at least once or twice a year. She was always interested in what I was doing in my life and vice versa. I could tell her anything. I know she loved me and I loved her. Perhaps what made her special to me was her sense of humor. We seemed to feed each other with laughter and comedy whenever we talked. This is what I want to remember most about her. Her zest for life!!! I wish she was here today. I really miss her.

I just past the 15th anniversary of my sister's death in November. She was 63 when she died, and now I am 63. I thought that I had dealt with all the feelings that came with her lost but it seems I had blocked or put off dealing with the pain of her loss until now. I really am just realizing how much she played an important role in my life. She was my older Sister and I was her younger brother. I put off grieving for her because I took care of so many other people, Now is my turn to allow myself to feel her love and significance in my life.