Gabbie

kayc - thank you again for your kindness - gabbie

MartyT - thank you - you gave me some “things” to really think about...ie - making my sons birthdate special in someway with his family so they remember. Thank you so very much - gabbie

kayc - thank you for your kind words but you misunderstood my initial post - going to the baby shower has nothing to do with it at all. I said it was the RSVP date - because that is my deceased sons birthdate - and that is what hurt me - that my children / my deceased sons siblings - who are giving the baby shower - did not realize is their brothers birthdate. Seeing my sons birthday on an invitation used as just a trivial RSVP date by my own children - that is what upset me - not the shower.

It’s now been over a year since my son died - I live in this cold dark place alone. Some days I just want to die - that’s all there is to that. In my mail yesterday came an invitation to a baby shower being given and hosted by my children for one of their siblings wives. The RSVP date is my deceased sons birthday. I don’t believe this was done intentionally - I don’t think my children recall my son / their brothers exact birth - date but all his siblings do know his birthday is in December and I feel for that very reason they should have used some caution and confirmed his birth date with either my husband or myself before printing out and mailing all these invitations. My husband feels I am being over sensitive. Seeing my sons birthday so carelessly put as just a RSVP date makes me feel that his sibling have trivialized his birthday and his memory. It was such a shock to open that invitation and see his birthday written as basically nothing. I do not have any intention of saying anything to any of my children for the sole reason that all of them - (just like their dad / my husband) would also tell me I am making something out of nothing. I cannot take the stress so I am just letting this whole matter go but I wanted to write/ask - am I making too much of this?

Thank you kayc - very kind what you did for your mom. I feel like I am in the world but no longer a part of it - like I am just observing. Thank you again - gabbie

Thank you MartyT - gabbie

Why is it that people don't like/feel comfortable saying my sons name? Even his brothers and sister never say his name. Only my husband and I talk about our son - say his name. People who knew my son almost all his life to this day have not even acknowledged to me that he is dead - they just look at me funny when they see me - like ignoring his death is...??? I did feel angry about this and sometimes that anger will still well up in me - I do realize that all people grieve differently- are people afraid that they will hurt me by saying my boys name? When I say my sons name in front of people - even his siblings - anyone - it's like I dropped a large rock in the room followed by complete silence and uncomfortable shifting of subject. Why is this? I am realizing more and more the isolation my sons death has brought into my life - I speak to hardly no one and I am becoming more comfortable with that - not bitter or angry - just this is where I am. I am learning to look soley to God and my walk must become strong with Him - I must lean on Him - I must trust Him. I feel as though I am walking down this very narrow path on this journey of life trying to find my purpose and prayfully hoping God will reveal that to me - when I am strong enough? I am in this quiet small place that I reside in at least for now. - gabbie

Sharirouse - thank you so much for your kind/supportive reply - your validation means so very much to me. I am so sorry for the loss of your father and all the sadness you feel without him. I am also sorry for bad cold "friends" and your brother who have hurt you. Like you I truly do not understand some people - how they think - or how they don't think may be a better choice of words. All I know is there are people who "get it" and others who just do not at all. The ones who do are there for you in the dark loneliness and those are the people who have true hearts and are sincere. I know that is why I love animals so much their kind love that is in them - they are always so ready and willing to give their hearts to us. As for my cousin and that "friend"/pastor - I am pretty much over what they did. They really showed their true selfs when my son died - how completely selfish and shallow they both are - I want nothing to do with either one of them. My sons memory deserves to be shared with kind people who have hearts. May God bless you with His peace Sharirouse and please give your little sweet doggy a hug and kiss for me - thank you again - you made my day brighter - gabbie

To kayc and martyT - thank you both for your kind replies - The Agony of Grief - is such a hard truth living and breathing reality. I will be alright - I forgive both those women - again thank you both so very much - gabbie

Ryan's mom - you sound like an amazing mom who is giving so much in honor of your son. I told God I need to have a purpose - this daily sadness - there has to be a point to this to do something for others. I have been reading this book by Joyce Meyer "How to Hear from God" this one chapter I just finished talked about how God has a plan for each of us and to just follow His Holy Spirit and He will lead us and direct us. I will do anything God so directs - I miss and love my son so very much. God bless you and your sweet little puppies - gabbie

I was not sure if I was going to share this as I am so tired of cruel people - but I need to write this - In my initial writing I shared how two of my friends left me after my son died - well these two friends have both circled around and have contacted me right after New Years - maybe they thought it would be safer for them now that all the holidays were over - maybe they both thought that I would be better / over it / they didn't want their holidays overshadowed by any of my family / my grief etc. This is what happened - A couple of days after New Years day the first friend - (who also is my cousin - I did not include that in my initial post - our mothers were sisters) - my cousin sent me a text message - she was very angry and very offended that I did not acknowledge her November birthday and some surgery she also had in November. I have not heard a word from her since October 2016 - this is the first time she has contacted me in any way. I did not think she was speaking to me anymore and honestly prior to that I was sick of listening to her go on about all her problems as she did right after my sons funeral. My son died this past summer - this was the first Thanksgiving - Christmas - his birthday is also in December and first New Year without him. I did not take one family picture this holiday season as our boy would not be in it. The hurt in my other children and my husband and I - well there are no words that could describe. My cousin who of course has known my family all her life did not even send a Christmas card - nothing. She knew this holiday season would be the first without my son - his birthday - but what do I get from her in January 2017 an angry text message followed by a long angry email - she actually told me that if she were in my shoes she would have at least acknowledged her surgery. She said she could let it go that I did not wish her a happy birthday but she would not forgive me for not acknowledging her surgery. She said she no longer wants to speak to me ever again - which I thought had already happened back in October. I absolutely could not believe it - my son is dead - I have not heard from her since October 2016 - she contacts me January 2017 about her birthday and surgery. I am so angry bitter and hurt - I am mad that I am thinking about her - writing / thinking about her right now instead of my son. I don't want her insensitive words in my thoughts anymore and I don't know how to stop it. *Next: the second friend in my initial writing - the one who became a pastor. She actually called me the second week in January and left this ridiculous playful high pitched voice message saying how she was not giving up on me and was still praying for me and to call her etc. What does she mean by - she is not giving up on me?!? - like she has been reaching out to me - sending me all these cards and flowers / trying to contact me all these months - as though I have been ignoring her? - I have not heard a word from this woman since my son died last summmer and then all she did was send me a grand total of three text messages the week of his funeral telling me she was praying for me - now months later she calls me and wants to talk. Just like my cousin - this woman contacted me safely after the holidays are over - birds of a feather flock together?!!? Did they fly in together?!!? I am not dirt - I feel like they have both tried to spit on and trivialize my sons death. I am so angry right now and I am so angry that I feel this way - that these two people are taking up space in my mind. I just can't believe that any two people - human beings with a heart inside them - could be this selfish - ridiculous - this cruel and insensitive. They have no shame - none. I just want them to fade out of my mind - my son is dead and these two women... how dare they - truly how dare they. I just want to get over this - I know it will take a while. I had to write this - I just had to. - gabbie

kayc - your puppy is so cute. Our puppies all went to Heaven a few years ago - now we have only our kitties who are also such a joy to our hearts. Thank you for sharing your pretty puppies photo - gabbie

KarenK - the loss of your husband and daughter and your two fur babies - I am sorry for all your heartache and endless tears. I am so happy you and Marley found each other - beautiful puppy. I have recently noticed something my other cat named "Jet" - when I cry he comes and sits on my lap sometimes if I am crying really hard he puts his face right up to mine and he stares into my eyes. He is so sensitive and caring - I love my fur babies with all my heart also. May you and Marley have a blessed evening - gabbie

kayc - wow your kitty has been with you a long time - I so hope mine does as well. So happy you have each other. Thank you as well for sharing your precious kitty story - gabbie

Ryan's mom - the pictures of your precious son with his puppy are such heart warming treasures in your heart - I know how crushed you are - I too am a 61 year old woman trying to hold on also. When my son died I so wished he had a dog or a cat I could love for him and take care of. I asked God - that I needed to take care of something - just before Christmas on December 21 2016 through a small chain of people this poor old cat entered into my life. The people involved in this cats rescue told me her story - She had laid down in the snow in front of their car that was leaving a parking and let out a loud cry and would not move. Thankfully these kindhearted people stopped and took her home with them and fed her but they could not keep her. That same day a second kind person got involved and offered to take this poor little severely malnourished cat to the vet who checked her over and said because she was an older cat (10-15 years old) she probably would not be adopted if they turned her over to a shelter. So this person took her to their home and contacted me. This cat was nothing but bones with fur over it. She could not stand or even meow she was so weak. Upon my approach she did try to stand though and opened her mouth but nothing came out and she fell back down. My husband and I took her in to our home - her now forever home. She has been to our vet and she has gained 2 pounds since being with us. She is still boney and very fragile but she can walk now and purrs all the time. She eats real good she is kept very warm and comfortable - she is our little princess - there is not enough we can do for her we love her very much. My son loved animals and he was saving for a house so he could get a dog when he died so very unexpectedly. God gave me this little lost cat to love and care for - we named her "Winter". To Ryan's mom may God bless every tear every hole in your heart - gabbie

Ryan's mom - truly beautiful pictures. Your son has such a kind face. Your comment about holding on - I often feel like I am holding on to the hem of Jesus cloak - gabbie

Ryan's mom - you sound like an amazing mom who is giving so much in honor of your son. I told God I need to have a purpose - this daily sadness - there has to be a point to this to do something for others. I have been reading this book by Joyce Meyer "How to Hear from God" this one chapter I just finished talked about how God has a plan for each of us and to just follow His Holy Spirit and He will lead us and direct us. I will do anything God so directs - I miss and love my son so very much. God bless you and your sweet little puppies - gabbie

MartyT - thank you for the information - gabbie

kayc - thank you for your kind words - today was especially hard - my son died in 2016 - I feel almost like I am leaving him behind - moving into a new time without him - not sure - all I know is very sad today. Your words let God hold me as I am too tired to hold on helped more than I can say. Thank you again - gabbie

Dear Ryan's mom - no words have been created to describe the loss you feel of your precious child. I am so so sorry for al the heart break you live with - I understand. I have found a safe place in this group of people who know what living with this type of loss is - the continuel hurt that we walk around with inside us. I never will understand how certain people behave - the insensitivity even cruelty in them. I still feel anger at times towards those "friends" but I am finding they are thankfully fading from my mind. I woke up this morning on this new year day thinking- this will be the first year that I will not share with my son - this will be the first year that he did not breath in - but I will breath somehow in it without him. I am so sad all the time I don't even know who I am anymore. I am trying so hard to hold onto God I always feel I let Him down though. This new world these cold grey days I feel so lost constantly. I remember the day my boy died I had the strongest feeling of wanting to run somewhere - somewhere safe where none of this had happened - sometimes I still feel that way. I am sorry so deeply - sorry for that empty place - your hurt. I keep asking God to give me a reason for my life. I believe like you that God sends us certain people into our lives at cetain times. Please talk to me anytime time - I know your heart - I understand your every tear. May God give you dreams of your precious son and may God hold you in His arms. God bless you in every way - gabbie

MartyT thank you for the information - gabbie

You spoke my heart - only someone who lives in this world would know what living in this place is like. - warm thank you to you - Gabbie

kayc - I am so sorry about your husbands passing and that lonely hurt that exists in your heart. You experienced friends deserting you in your darkest time as well. I just do not understanding people like that but I trust God to all of this - I have to it's all just too much. I am praying that God will bring you a fresh new friend - one with such a kind heart filled with understanding. I think one of the things that hurts me so much is my other children - I can't make this better for them - I can't take this heart break from them. One of my sons just told me he cries himself to sleep almost every night - he loved his brother very much they were so close. There is no fixing this - just getting up each day and trying to breath in and out. Thank you again I will breath in and out maybe a little easier today because I have found kind people like you to share with and who sincerely care. - gabbie

Thank you Marty for your kind response - I have seen Compassionate Friends but never really looked into it - I will. I feel so much supoort already from Grief Healing Discussion Group - this sadness I live in is almost unbearable at times. There have been moments I actually thought I was going to die the grief is so overwhelming. I go on for my remaining family. Thank you again and may God truly bless your kindness - Gabbie

Karen - thank you for your kind words and I am so very sorry for the pain the hurt and tears that you feel and go through. I will keep you in my prayers - God has really been helping me not lose my mind. So many things go through my thoughts - life is so different. The pain and sadness not just in me but in my family - my other children - I can see the hurt in their eyes nothing is the same anymore. Your precious husband and precious daughter may you see them both in Heaven and dance with tears of never ending joy. God bless you and again thank you for you kindness - Gabbie