Ryan's mom

Ladies, Nothing amazing about me at all. I'm just an average 61 year old woman, broken and bruised, hanging on for dear life. Now the God I serve is another story altogether, amazing, merciful, full of forgiveness. I do have far more questions for Him post 10/27/15 than I did before. I'v attached a picture of Ryan and Bentley taken a week before he passed, and a pic of Bentley today

Gabbie and kayc, thanks for responding and being so supportive. I have found that purpose brings a measure of peace and comfort that celebrating and fun never can. My son passed in his sleep from cardiac dysrhythmia, having no previous medical history or problems. I was the one to find him. Since his passing I have raised money at my church to have three automated external defibrillators installed on our campus and revamped the youth space (which is where my son first came to Christ) to make it more appealing to them. I work with youth at the church and in the summer program and am currently planning a "healthy heart day" in honor of my son. My son had a five month old German Shepherd at the time of his passing. Ryan was volunteering at a local rehab facility, and I've had his dog, Bentley, trained as a therapy dog and we now go weekly to the facility my son volunteered at. Purpose definitely helps, but most days I still feel like I'm living an out of body experience. Like the old me is watching the new me get through the days. Yet, while I'm grieving I still engage in the world and actually have some fun. But even that is difficult, as afterwards there's always a tsunami of pain waiting. Not from guilt, because I don't feel guilty. I think it's because I can't share those times with him. As a divorced mom, who single parented him, my son and I were very close. Time marches on, others get on with their lives, and the new year brought me no joy either. I remember thinking in that first year that I would be dead by the end of the year because I didn't see how I could go on living. But I did, altho I'm a very different person. I find I'm most at peace getting outside doing some work in the yard, working with the dogs (I've since gotten another German Shepherd to keep Bentley company). My son purchased the house i live in when he was 22. I moved in a year before he passed, as he wanted to go back to school to pursue a different career. I'm surrounded by memories which I believe makes it harder for me, but I will NEVER leave this house.. He was so proud of being a homeowner at such a young age! Kayc, you are sooo right. I don't get people either and there are no excuses. Which is why my uncle and one friend are no longer in my life. I have no time for that. Believe i or not I don't feel like I've lost a thing not being in a relationship with either of them. I have become sort of selfish, putting myself first. I have no space or energy to try to make others feel better about me feeling bad. Does that make sense? I am far more picky about who I have stayed friends with. One of my closest friends lost her daughter 9 years ago. She has been a great person to share with as she has already been where I'm going. We marvel at how we process our grief so differently, yet still understand each other's grief so thoroughly. I pray for someone, a few someones, like that in your life Kayc. I imagine that with the death of a spouse that friendships are all the more important, because essentially you lost your best friend. I don't believe people mean to be mean. The world is just so superficial. I was fortunate that Compassionate Friends is in my area. I went to a few meetings but chose not to continue. They are a great group, but it was hard being in a room with so much tragedy when my son left this earth peacefully. I almost felt like i hadn't earned my seat at the table. i'm also in the country, in a pretty amazing community where everyone pulls together, so I just didn't feel the need to drive into town for CF meetings. My church is starting Griefshare at the end of January. It's a a faith based grief group. I will attend that to see what it's about.

Gabbie, I'm new to this group. I unexpectedly lost my 24 year old son 14 months ago. He was my only child and my world has turned upside down. I have had a similar experience with friendships. One friend wanted to get together to "catch up" a few weeks after my son passed. As the date we were to get together approached I was dreading it. I didn't have it in me to listen to what was going on with her two kids, husband, job, etc. And really nothing was new in my life....my son was still gone. I decided to call her and tell her how I felt, acknowledged that this likely made me a bad friend, that I hoped, but didn't know if or when it would change for me. Things have changed and that friendship survived. I have another friend, who I saw through every single doctor's visit when she was sick with a life threatening illness, who has reached out to me exactly once in the last 14 months. I'm terribly disappointed in her. I'm not sure if I'd call it hurt... My emotions are still a bit numb when it comes to anything but my son. But I am angry. I try not to focus on it. Still, I know that others have no idea how to deal with us. And for that I am grateful. I also have an uncle who wouldn't even pick up the phone to speak with me after my son's passing. I waited for two months. I understood that it might be difficult at first to call me, so I gave it some time. I got an occasional email from him, but that was it. I ended my relationship with him, telling him I had little use for that type of relationship with him. So I do understand. And I'm so sorry. I pray you have other friends to stand in the gap with you. I believe God sends us the people we need when we need them, and other relationships end to make way for the new ones. I hope this is true for you.