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martha jane

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About martha jane

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    Advanced Member

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  • Location (city, state)
    Reece City, Alabama

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    dec 13 2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. martha jane

    My father's ashes

    I have read through all your posting tonight. I want to say that you are one of the most intelligent persons that I have ever read. You make everything so plain and easy to understand. I have never had a " career" as you do, I have worked for doctor's offices and also for the state of Ala and Louisanna but the same things you experienced goes on in every kind of job there is. Everywhere I have worked I have always had what I call " a thorn in my side." I know how it feels to be treated unfairly and be disliked in a job just because you are doing it well. The last sentence in your latest post said exactly what I feel. How is it possible that it is all over? I was married for 57 years the day my husband was put on hospice and he died 15 days later, no food or water for those 15 days. No movement and no words spoken, eyes closed and his mouth wide open. My husband had Parkinson's. He had been diagnosed 4 years before. He was doing okay, he didn't have the shaking , just the weakness and freezing while he was walking. He would see people who weren't real sometimes mostly two little girls. I would hear him talking to them. He was hospitalized several times with extremely high blood pressure and UTI's but always managed to get better and come home. But the last time he got sick very suddenly and left home in an ambulance on Nov 1st, my son's birthday. He had sepsis and never recovered from it. It was so horrible, the way he died, so slow and silent. He was on morphine and Ativan and never knew what was happening to him. I know your dad had Parkinson's also and I wondered if he may have had sepsis from some kind of bacteria? I think my husband's was from his kidneys. My husband was my support and my world just as your dad was yours. I am so sorry for your grief and pain. I hope that you will find work that you will enjoy and there will be no more thorns, just nice people who will appreciate you and your sweet personality, your honesty and good work. My comfort is my cat also. She is a flame siamese, I got her from a no kill shelter and I have never had a cat who loved me like she does. I would love to have you for a friend, but Alabama is a long way from Arizona. God bless you.
  2. Kieron, I too have my husbands bath robe still on the hook in the bathroom. I bought it just a month or so before he went into the hospital for the last time. It was beginning to turn cold and I thought it would be nice to have so he could be dry all over rather than having to be toweled off. He only used it a few times. I have all his clothes packed away, I haven't been able to part with them. His shoes are still in the bedroom and one pair I can see everytime I go in the bedroom. They are the very last pair he ever wore. Sometimes I just sit and look at them and see the shape of his feet. The strings are broken but he alway tied the ends together and kept using them. I noticed he did that right after we got married and I knew that the probably had done that since he was a boy because they were poor and I guess new shoe strings were hard to come by. He died on Dec 13, 2016. He had been on hospice and filled with morphine and ativan since Nov 28th which was out 57th wedding anniversary. He never spoke or moved again after that. He lay with his eyes closed and his mouth wide open. I keep seeing him like that when my daughters and I saw him draw his last breath. We never said goodbye, he did not even know we were there with him. I thought that things would be better by now but it isn't. Lately I don't want to talk to anyone go anywhere. I can hardly believe that he is gone forever. One day I was in the kitchen and I could see him through the living room window sitting in the porch swing like he was in deep thought. I thought to myself that I needed to go and sit with him but I didn't. Now I can hardly bear to look at that window, I see him there by himself when I should have taken time to sit with him. My husband had Parkinson's and he was admitted to the hospital several times with high blood pressure and a UTI but he always came home feeling better. I did not know that this time he would get sepsis and die. He went in the hospital on Nov 1st , My son's birthday and was in the hospital ICU for 11 days and then he was supposed to be so much improved that they sent him for rehab when he couldn't even stand up or walk. He improved for a day or two and then they found him in the floor one night and rushed him to the hospital and he became so much worse that the doctor talked us in having him be turned over to hospice. I felt like we starved him to death. He lived for 15 days with no water or food. I don't know how aware he was all that time and it breaks my heart that he went with no goodbyes from us. How much was he aware of what was happening to him? Was he afraid? Did he lay in the floor at rehab calling for me and wondering why I didn't come and help him? Thinking about this really haunts me. I look at a picture of the day we got married and it is like I no longer know who those two happy smiling people are. I don't know who I am.
  3. I read a lot of books but after I finish them, in a few days I can't remember what they were about. I have to go on good reads and review them to remember. I have Acorn through Amazon because I love English movies. Watching them rests my mind for awhile. If I don't have my mind occupied with something I am miserable missing my life before my husband died. I still can't believe he is gone, One year and three months now. A whole year since I have heard his voice except for on videos we made. Never hear him say my name anymore. He had such a thick southern accent that a lot of people thought he was calling me Johnny instead of Jane. My younger brother tells me that the first time he heard him talk , he and our cousin went into another room and laughed and laughed. I don't know why he talked like he did, we were from the same state but his family all talked that way. When he was working in Coral Gables, Fla building a Kentucky Fried Chicken place people would ask him where he was from and he would say New York City and they would look at him so funny. If you are familiar with the east side of Fla you know that many of the people who live there are from New York and other surrounding states. On the west side the people are from the mid-west. Only in the panhandle do you hear many southern accents. They call it Lower Alabama. I so wish I could turn back time and have him get a phone call from a company asking him if he would go some place out of state to work and we would get so excited. Those years were like one long vacation. Even the kids didn't mind moving until they got to be teenagers and it was hard to make friends in new schools especially out of the south. Now they say they are very glad that we moved around, that it was always a wonderful experience. My whole married life was a wonderful experience and I didn't appreciate it like I should have.
  4. Tom, I will be thinking of you tomorrow on the anniversary of Susan's death.
  5. martha jane

    Real or what?

    Gwen, I see what you mean. Didn't think about that. Funny!
  6. I feel the same way, Gwen. I thought it might get easier the second year but it hasn't.
  7. martha jane

    Real or what?

    It is a Ford Tarus. So far so good. It is special because when my daughter and I drove to Colorado last year we were passing through the hometown of a Nascar driver that we loved to watch race. My son in law is a state trooper and knows him through the Talladega races. He called him and the driver met us and as he was leaving I asked would her autograph my car. He wrote on the sun visor Jane, drive fast and signed his name. I wish I could tell my husband about it.
  8. IS there a delete button somewhere? Got carried away, thinking it wasn't saved. Sorry
  9. Tom, it breaks my heart for you, seeing that picture. I can just feel how pleasant it was to sit on the boat in the sunshine, feeling the wind and the clanging of the rigging. When I walk past a flag pole and hear the thing that pulls it up hitting the pole it makes me think of sailing. We sold our boat, we didn't get to use it much because he was always working out of state. I remember that I stood at the wheel, it seemed I could sail better if my feet were in the floor. Maybe there will be sailboats in heaven. And lots of wind.
  10. martha jane

    Real or what?

    After my husband died my daughter thought I needed a better car. I was signing the papers for a Ford which my son said would make his daddy turn over in his grave. He was a Chevrolet and Buick man. The dealership had that canned music and it played back to back two old songs that I had played at his funeral. I looked at my daughter and said were they there? The salesman said that is your husband letting you know that he approves of you buying this car. I hope so much that is why those two songs played.
  11. Tom, please let know if the flower is blooming on the 31st. Below is a picture of our sailboat, a 30 ft Hunter.
  12. I have posted about this before but will again as this subject has come up. My husband died on Dec 13, 2016. Two days before Valentine's day my daughter and I was at his grave cleaning and I began raking his grave trying to remove some of the small rocks that covered it , being that the dirt from the grave was very rocky. As I raked a small rock got stuck in the tines of the rake. When I removed it there it was, shaped like an almost perfect heart that just fit in the palm of my hand. It made me and my daughter very happy. Perhaps that was my valentine card that he would have given me had he been alive.
  13. Today is my husband's 86th birthday his second in heaven. Never spent any of his birthday's apart before. For 57 years we talked to each other everyday, sometimes on the phone when he would be away starting a new job. I have been in the house we bought when he retired for ten years now, ten years of memories that come to me everyday. It is hard to believe that he is gone. I am sorry for anyone who is living with the memory of a birthday, anniversary or any special time they spent with their wife or husband. It is so hard. I am just sitting at my computer listening to songs that have meaning and I can't keep from crying. I need to do something with myself today instead of just sitting. But what? Where ever I go it's always the same when I come back home.
  14. To Tom PB, I don't know how to put a song on here but if you go to you tube and look for " The Anchor Holds" by Roy Boltz it is a song you might like and relate to since you are a sailor.
  15. Yesterday my husband has been dead for one year and two months. Right before Valentine's day last year, my daughter and I were putting flowers on his grave and I was raking it. The ground where he is buried had a lot of rocks in it and his grave is covered with small rocks. As I raked, a rock turned up and I couldn't believe my eyes. It was in nearly a perfect shape of a heart. I showed it to my daughter and she made a picture of it in my hand. Could that have been a message to me from him? I don't know, I try to believe that he passed from death into eternal life. I want to believe that he is happier now than he has ever been in his whole life. I want to believe that he is back young and strong with his brown curly hair and laughing blue eyes. I want to believe that he no longer remembers the times I hurt his feelings, the times I was so impatient with him in his sickness, the times that I wasn't as sympathetic as I could have been, the times I resented him because our lives had changed so much. I want him to be sailing on a boat like we used to do, smiling and enjoying the ocean breezes and the sound of the water passing beneath the bow, like silk swishing. I hope that he is somewhere swinging his hammer, putting a nail in with two strokes of his hammer like he used to do and the kids thought it was so great that he could do that. I hope he is surrounded by the smell of fresh cut boards and sawdust, the roar of a table saw. I hope he is measuring lengths and marking the place to cut with a line and an arrow on the end, something I had never seen anyone use before, especially my daddy who never measured and never actually got anything level or plumb. I couldn 't believe that someone would be so very careful when they measured and cut and sawed and nailed. I hope that he is in charge of building big buildings like he did for American Airlines and the federal government in Denver Colorado. He never even blinked when he was put in charge of 30 million plus buildings and over all the sub- contractors, the workers and meetings. My husband was such a smart man, smarter than I ever gave him credit for , smart about all things not just building. Now I have to make all the decisions, what repairs should I do to the house , what about his truck? I want to move, I don't want to move, I want to go some place , I don't want to go anywhere. People I thought I could count on have gone away. Other people, some surprising ones have moved closer. But he is dead, the man I married and had such fun with, who loved our children, mine and his parents, our families is gone. I wish I could tell my mama that he is gone away, the young man that she loved so well and was willing to do things for her like spending one Thanksgiving day building her a sink cabinet and one day building a platform outside her kitchen window so her cat could climb up and see in. Now it is just me, here in the house with my cat. The house he didn't want to buy but later would stand outside and look around and say " All this and heaven too." But the last few years he didn't do that, he hardly went outside. He couldn't build anything, forgot how to turn his saw on once. I stand at the back door and look across the yard like he used to do when I would be outside watching over my two chickens and he would wonder where I was. Sometimes it would irritate me. Why was I such a bad person to him? I could be kind and over look everyone else and the things they did but not him. And he was sick, sicker than I ever realized. I feel guilt, I feel lonely, I feel deserted, I feel scared, I feel unloved, and I feel I deserve the life I have now. I don't deserve a nice Valentine day today. If I could only turn back time to the days when sickness didn't make us both scared and angry, When we camped by the river and hiked through the woods, we walked in the snow and climbed the mountains of Colorado, sailed and swam in the waters of Pensacola Bay, moved where ever his jobs were, dragged the kids from place to place and we all enjoyed every moment of the moves. It was like one long vacation. And I didn't really realize or appreciate the good life we had together for 57 years. And on the anniversary of our 57th year they put him on hospice and he never spoke again, hardly moved and lived for 15 days with no water or food. Just because he got a kidney infection and developed sepsis and was not taken care of by the doctors like he should have been. I stood by his bed and saw him take his very last breath and we never said goodby. Will I ever get over it? Where ever you are I send you my love. Do you remember the Valentine I made you the first year we were married? A red heart cut from construction paper and real lace pasted around the edges? If only I could see you and give it to you again.