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Andy

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  1. Recently I have experienced some events which have rekindled the grief I felt over 17 years ago when my wife ended our relationship. Marty has suggested a book called The Way of Transition. The author writes that if we are to complete a healthy transition following the grief coming from such a loss, we must let go of some of our "outlooks". He continues: Until we let go of them [our old outlooks on our life], we are held in an "enchantment". Like Sleeping Beauty, we are unaware of what is really going on around us. At first that unawareness may protect us, but one day it begins to close us down, to put us into a sleep, to wall us off from life. If we are lucky, a transition comes along to wake us up. If we are unlucky, we sleep through the rest of our lives.
  2. Yes, I've seen The Notebook. But I guess that, since our love didn't last forever, it must not have been "true". That's one way that she rationalized her actions. I have resisted that idea, but maybe I must acquiesce if I am ever to complete my transition.
  3. Thank you Marty! I will read the article later today. Last night I read from The Way of Transition, one of the books you recommended. William Bridges tells the sad but beautiful story of waking to find that his wife has succumbed to cancer- right there in his arms! I cried like a baby. I wouldn't wish the cancer experience on anyone, but Oh! how I wish my relationship had ended in such love, and not with the rancor of divorce!
  4. Thank you Ann. Your circumstances are the closest to mine that I have seen. I recently tried to join a grief group. When the leader found out that my wife had not died, she told me that the others in the group would not feel that my grief was as deep as theirs. She suggested that I look for a divorce-recovery group. I wish I was as certain as you are that recovery will eventually happen. It has been over 17 years since I lost my wife. Isn't it pretty clear by now that I will not ever recover?
  5. Hi Whiteswan. How did your mom's grief affect her quality of life? Did she miss out on wonderful activities and experiences because she was preoccupied with your brother's death?
  6. So Maylissa, what exactly is an HSP? (I'd look it up, but I think your explanation might be better than any a clinician might give.)
  7. "I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you." When she tells me over and over again that she will not seek my tear, should I continue missing her?
  8. Thank you, Maylissa, for your very thoughtful reply. I understand your concern about ramifications in our mental health records. I have certainly suffered those ramifications. But I am approaching retirement now. To hell with the ramifications. I would like to be HAPPY once again before I die.
  9. Hi Marty! Thanks for reviewing this topic. I will go back and read the discussion with Matt and look up the references. I have begun to question whether my grief is actually a pathology because most everyone I've talked to cannot relate. For example, my current wife has been through divorce twice before, but has no continuing grief whatsoever. But even though I am now "happily" remarried, I yearn for my ex-wife and feel extremely sad about not being able to share experiences with our grandchildren with her. The first time I remember feeling misunderstood grief was when our family moved. My fourth-grade class was a totally new environment. I cried every day in class. My parents were called in and my teacher was invited over for dinner in an effort to help me relax with her. When my first (sixth grade) girlfriend moved, I was grief-stricken for at least two years. President Reagan cancelled the weapons program I was working on as an Air Force officer. I fell into depression, was hospitalized and forced into retirement. I have had many "smaller" episodes which most people don't understand: My baseball home team lost in the playoffs, my pastor suffered a heart attack and became unable to work, my candidate for president withdrew his name (I wrote it in anyway.) As I grow older I realize that at best I am unusually sensitive, but perhaps I have a personality disorder which could become recognized in DSM-V. I am working with both a psychiatrist and a therapist. The psychiatrist has already told me that he wants nothing to do with an as yet undocumented disorder. I haven't heard from my therapist yet, but perhaps he will be more willing to explore this new explanation with me. I have tried to contact some of the original researchers of complicated grief, asking for help in taking their Inventory of Complicated Grief. No response as of yet.
  10. Yes Shell, you are probably right. Perhaps that is the reason they came up with the name "Complicated" Grief. I have been diagnosed with depression. The literature talks about how grief and depression can feed off each other. I can understand that. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and have asked both of them what they think of this very new kind of disorder. There is a test you can take for it. I have sent email to one of the researchers who came up with the idea. In the meantime, I'm still grieving the loss of my wife 17 years ago. It may be worse than some other kinds of grief because in my case, the body is still walking around and occasionally we have contact. We have children, you see, and they are now having children of their own. That makes for more and more contacts and chances to ask, "Why can't we enjoy these children together?".
  11. It seems to me that it's very normal to grieve for one's parents 18 months after they're gone. And it seems normal to miss them less and less now. If you find yourself TEN YEARS from now still missing them and feeling that your grief is holding you back in your life, THEN I would think that you might have a disorder. Do you know anyone like that?
  12. I think that you are not yet into the period where people start to look at you funny and whisper to each other, "Why doesn't she just get over it?" The Complicated Grief doctors are looking at the period from 18 months to two years and thinking, "This person must have a disorder. That's the only way I can explain her behavior." Are you old enough to have heard the song, "Mr. Bojangles", who still grieves 20 years after his dog died? I'm beginning to know how he felt, as it has been just over 17 years since my wife threw me out of the house. I recently signed up for a church group for those suffering from grief. I was turned down because it was considered that my suffering could not possibly be as intense as that experienced by people with family members who died. People just don't grieve as long as I have unless they have a serious mental disorder, Right?
  13. I'm looking for people who, like me, have grieved much longer than what seems "normal". Could we have "complicated grief disorder"? (I have attached a part of a document which describes the disorder, a condition which has not yet been fully recognized by the psychiatric community.) Complicated_Grief.doc
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