Genia

Thank you Kay!

Thank you both for your comments. Since he passed away...I'm finding myself thinking about all the good times and forgetting how he really was. He was a Narcissist and very hard to live with....I need to let those memories go, because it hurts too much, to think about when things were good.

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 12 years. We were married for 13. Our oldest son was born a year after we were married, and our youngest son was born 8 years later. I had a daughter from a previous marriage and so did he. At first...he treated me like a Queen. Never in my life had I been treated so well and felt so loved. As the years went by, he started verbally and emotionally abusing me. Nothing was every good enough. I was stupid, lazy, and any other thing he could call me. Eventually I left in the middle of the night with my two sons. The day I left him, I loved him as much as the day I married him. He could be such a wonderful husband one day...the next he could be horrible. We rarely spoke to each other after I left him, and if we did...it was to remind me how much of an idiot I was for leaving him. For about the last 2 years, we had finally gotten to the point we could carry on a conversation without fighting. He passed away on Sept 5th, 2016 from liver failure, and I never thought it would effect me the way it has. He was my soul mate...and I loved him beyond anything in this world. I ask myself how I could possibly still love him after the way he treated me. I can't answer that question. I have cried so many tears. But they have been silent tears, since I am remarried and have been for almost 11 years. I love my husband, but nothing like I loved my ex. I don't talk to him about the grief I feel, because I don't want to hurt him. So I suffer in silence and only share it with a few close friends. I think the fact that there wasn't any closure before he died. I never got to say goodbye to him before he passed away. A song can come on the radio when I'm driving and I have to pull off and sit there and cry. Some days he is all I can think about and I feel his presence with me. It's really driving me nuts. HOW can I still love a man who treated me the way he did for so many years, and still be grieving his death after 5 months? I go to his facebook page and just stare at his pictures. The hurt is unbearable for me and I don't know what to do.