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About Annabella

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    Kelowna, British Columbia

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  1. thank you Kayc. You bring up a good point. I supposeI could ask Ron himself to keep our children posted. He seems OK about it and it may be helpful for them to hear things from him instead of me all the time. Thank you for caring. |Mary thank you for validating my need for a day off....I dont know why i tend to feel guilty when its a mental health day but I forced myself to do what was needed for myself anyway. It all worked out well for me. I went to work today and they asked if I could start earlier and because I came in earlier they put me on Overtime Rate of pay...bonus. I was also able to tell a close coworker the reason for my absence and she totally understood. Thank you Mary ...I will look up those resources. Foodcooppres....Thank you for your prayers and the link. Sorry for your losses. We are never alone when we have God on our side. thank you.
  2. Hello.....My Husband had appt with specialist yesterday. Now I feel liked |Ive crashed. It was not bad news...he needs to go back on medicine to keep CA at bay but the stress that leads up to these appointments that we try to stay strong about gets to you after a while. I have called in sick to work today just so I can have downtime with myself and rest. We are doing all we can but there is still that underlying uncertainty that we have been reminded of. He carries on like normal but I feel like I need a day to myself. So I have taken a mental health day to be by myself and I have told myself that i will not feel ashamed about it.....but i still am and i feel such intense loneliness sometimes. Just want some reassurance today I guess. I am doing the healthy thing for our family and keeping them posted on their dads condition. basically we could have many years together still but sometimes the responsibility to keep all informed weighs on me at times. I am trying to do the right thing as Ron and I go through the journey of a terminal cancer together. It weighs on me tho.
  3. thank you Marty. That article was just what I needed. I love the quote "in order to get to what was to what will be, you have to go through what is". This strengthens my resolve to get help to be brave enough to live in the present and be the best I can be for my husband and family right now. The article also helped me to see that it is normal to think about and envision in my mind a life without him and that it can be a way to cope with the present reality.....\it showed me that I am not the only one that had thought in those terms and that it is a normal part of grieving. I am grateful for your reply, thank you again. Anne
  4. Hello, Its Annabella again. |I lost this site for a while so I am so glad I found it again! I hope this is not too confusing to read. Basically my feelings have been quite anxious and all over the board for a while. My husbands prostate cancer is in remission but to me it feels like the calm before the storm -- and I dont trust the situation. \it seems like I am desperately trying to latch onto some "happy" feelings in order to avoid the anxiety I am feeling. For example, I recently told my guitar teacher that I could not continue my lessons with him as \i have been experiencing overwhelming feelings for him that bother my conscience and that I just cant cope with. I think in my mind I have been looking to him to be a "hero" to me and save me from the grief and fear of being alone I am experiencing. He absolutely had no idea I had been thinking in these terms and it has just been too much for me to cope with. He is a christian man and I am a Christian woman so i told him that I must stop as it is very important to me to do the right thing. He had told me in the past that he loved me but he meant a christian love --- in my mind this messed me up as I seemed to latch onto that and see it for something it was not. Anyway, I think I was desperate for a happy feeling in order to avoid my anxiety. Is it possible that I have transposed my feelings for my husband onto someone else in order to avoid my fears? I know I love my husband and have not plans of leaving. Can I stop feeling guilty and like i'm a bad person over this mistake with my heart. Can someone reassure me that this is a natural thing to go through when enduring anticipatory grief and that I can forgive myself and move on. I have since booked a session with a therapist so that i can get help to cope with my fears. 'why cant I just live in the moment and accept that the cancer is in remission? Do I secretly just want it to be all over with? Can anyone help me make sense of this? Is it possible to resume my guitar lessons at some future date once I have had time to process what is really going on?
  5. thank you again....it has been a very tough week. we will have to call a family meeting to discuss respect and kindness and being there for each other I think. Also, I will have to discuss that it is too hard for me to be in denial.....we must face the facts together and be there for each other together and through this. Thank you. articles were a good read. Good night for now. And yes I will apologize.....could not remember that I hadnt...i think it was too difficult for me to face what i did but it was a long time ago so an apology will be coming.
  6. I am so sorry that that happend to you.... that has a potential to crush a person. \perhaps they dont understand the concept of anticipatory grief....\i hope you will find a supportive group from some of the ones that have been mentioned. I feel for you in your situation with your husband and you sound like a good person. please dont give up in finding the help you deserve.
  7. Hi....Im really struggling again. My husband is seemingly getting more and more tired as he battles his cancer and still works full time. He can get quite verbally abusive with me when he is in such pain. Also, my adult daughter is living in our home now until she marries in september. she is feeling emotional over missing her fiance who is far away in africa, where they will live after the wedding. I have tried to be understanding and kind about setting appropriate boundaries in our home asking my daughter not to shower in my husbands and my ensuite bathroom as it is too intrusive to me. I had told both my daughters this at least ten times before but they continued to use the ensuite anyway. They do not know that I am undergoing anticipatory grief as I watch my husband get more and more fatigued. I want to spare them the emotions as they are aware he is in a temporary remission and I want them to be happy for now until this remission is over. My daughter feels depressed from missing her fiance and when \i asked her to shower in the appropriate shower she gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. \i am concerned she may be depressed from missing her fiance but \i also suspected something deeper could be bothering her. |I found out in a recent heated discussion that \i have never apologized to her or anyone for an affair I had five years ago. \i went through 4 years of guilt and suicide attempts because of the intense guilt i felt that i couldnt find the energy to bring it up to apologize as i felt so guilty for so long over it. \i feel like we are all on an emotional roller coaster ride and that it is about to crash. \i get snarky replies from my other daughter who visits once in a while anytime that her older sister is upset with me. \I say that if you cant say anything nice dont say it at all and \i tell them they must respect me in my own home. It feels like nothing i say or do makes anything better and \i need a break. Can anyone help
  8. Hello everyone. Its Anne (Annabella). Just want to let you know how I feel connected to you all now that I have joined this group. I like reading about the little things all going on in everyones everyday lives. It is a beautiful sunny day here and I am looking forward to the full moon tonight. The beauties of creation are so present all around. Can't wait until spring weather either. My oldest daughter has just returned from S. Africa....she will marry and then plans to live there with her fiancee. It is good to have her back for now. I lost a dog of 14 years right on the Ides of March....which I believe is March 15 and there around. Yes it does go back to Julius Caesar.... My ex of long long ago died on the Ides of March which was peculiar cause he always said "beware the Ides of March" and did various quotes from Caesar. Good thing this time of year marches us right into spring! I will be out and about walking my other dog and enjoying this nice sunny day. I saw a quote from a Charlie Brown pic the other day... it said "Snoopy.. One day we will all die." and then Snoopy replied "Yes...but on all the other days....we will not." Have a good day everyone. and thank you.
  9. Thank you both for your supportive caring words. I suddenly do not feel all alone. I will go to the library to get that book, I have a feeling it will help me so that I can better be there for my husband. thank you., \ Annabella Thank you George.
  10. Thank you both for your supportive caring words. I suddenly do not feel all alone. I will go to the library to get that book, I have a feeling it will help me so that I can better be there for my husband. thank you., \ Annabella
  11. Hello....I am new here. I too, at times, feel like I have just accepted things....do I really have a choice? And...what is worse I just want it all to be over so I can get on with going through the hard parts of actually losing them....and then maybe moving on. I at times feel selfish that I just want it to be over with so I can move on and maybe get a chance to enjoy some happiness again before I die. I agree with you, I think these feelings help us in the moment and hopefully in the future. My heart is with you. I dont think its sociopathic to be strong so that you can move on and cope in the day.
  12. Hi> First time here. I am terribly lonely. My husband is sick with Metastatic Ca. I want to spend more time with him as I anticipate him not being around ---thats just the thing....I dont know how long he'll be around. He is a devoted Worker. He identifies i guess with being able to provide financially for us. I, however, value time together more. He is still working full time in a heavy labor job and so he has little energy after work except to sit in bed or on the couch and watch TV --- TV has always been his mistress. I have tried to convince him to even just take one day off a week -- maybe midweek -- to rest and spend time with me and maybe our adult children (one still at home finishing school). I have come to realize that that is not a possibility for him. He just wont do it.. This is nothing new....he has always worked hard and has left it up to me to schedule family time if I need to....He would actually never take a day off if I didnt plan things. I think also, since he is sick now he just doesnt want to think about that and just work on per usual. This makes me very lonely. He insists he must work even though I am an RN and can work a bit more to make up for any lost wages he may have from taking time to spend with me. I have always felt unloved, even though I know I am loved -- that is my personal struggle. But I just wished he would take the time to spend quality time with me before it is too late and he cant. Is that Selfish. Even if it is, its not likely to happen. I do keep busy when I can with hobbies and exercise etc. I guess I should just suck it up and deal with it....it is what it is I guess. I will just let him be his way....It has always been this way so why should i expect or want more now that things are so uncertain. bye for now
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