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Mike's Girl

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About Mike's Girl

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    March 3, 2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Michael passed March 3, 2017, so I'm now into Year 3. Year 1 was a horrid blur of a year of "firsts", constant tears, and fear of an unknown, scary, lonely future. Year 2 saw the ebbing of tearful episodes and the finding of my own feet. It took a long while, but it was a rude awakening that he really is gone and this is definitely my new normal. I've tried to make the best of it. Friends and family have helped tremendously. With the start of year 3, I've become very aware of the quick passing of time. I'm suddenly feeling antsy, like I'm on a short timeline to get things done. I have made my arrangements for my cremation. I'm currently in the process of redecorating and remodeling parts of the house. There isn't anything telling me that I'm on a limited timeline. I'm only 52 and I haven't received any dire news from a physician or anything. I've just been very aware of the circle of life lately. Case in point, I'm still blessed by having my mother still with me. She is celebrating her 76th birthday today and I can't help but realize that my time with her is short. That breaks my heart. I've lost so many people already in my life, including my soulmate, that the thought of losing her is too much. My attitude is usually positive and bright, but this one thought just haunts me. I know Michael would be proud of me with all the accomplishments I've made and how far I've come, since he's left. I've grown as a person, become stronger, and more confident. But I know that I'm still apprehensive with making decisions and really stepping out of my comfort zone. I think if we all give ourselves time, we can accomplish anything. None of us are stuck in our predicaments. We all have choices, whether it be a choice to make a change to our surroundings or just maybe change our attitudes. Choose to finally accept what is the truth and unchangeable. Bless you all!
  2. Good Morning my friends! I just wanted to follow up with you all and let you know that all is good! The extra views and ultrasound showed benign cysts and nothing to worry about. PRAISE GOD! Thank you for your prayers and support! I'm not proud of it and It's scary how my mind instantly turns dark now when I hear of bad health news about myself or somebody I know. I used to be the positive person who would encourage hope and health, but since Michael passed, I can't help but turn dark and depressed. Like it's all inevitable. I hate being this way, so I'm actively working on my attitude and making the effort to be positive.
  3. I didn't mean any disrespect to anyone and I'm sorry if I upset you. I just wanted to share what my new motto is that is helping me get through day by day. Much love and respect to all of you. 😍
  4. My additional films and ultrasound are scheduled for March 29th. That's a long time to think. Ugh...
  5. "You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. Just relax. Master the day. Then just keep doing that every day." This is my new motto. Once day at a time. It's amazing how much that phrase rings true.
  6. Thanks Marty! It's good to know that you all are still here for me. You all were such great help to me in the beginning. I couldn't have made it through without you. I truly appreciate all of the support!
  7. Hey ya'll! It's been a while since I've checked in with you. Year 2 just ended for me and year 3 started on March 3rd. Like you, I can't believe it. Time has flown, but yet it hasn't. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday when he passed and others it feels like it's been 100 years. I still miss him terribly and wish he were here, but now I realize that he was suffering so much in the end, that it was a blessing he was relieved of his pain. I still have my triggers and cry at the drop of a hat, but the crying jags are not as frequent. I smile more when thinking about our life together and I'm thankful for the precious time we had together and the many lessons he taught me. Including repairing things around the house. (He was a maintenance man and taught me how to fix basic things, which I've been able to accomplish myself!) He will forever be my soulmate and will forever be in my heart. Now, I've got to live for me and show him that I can make it on my own and strive to make him proud. A lot has changed since I last wrote, but still a lot stays the same. I've done minor maintenance around my house, had major renovations done, purchased a new car, kept the household running smoothly, spent time with my framily (friends who are like family), and was able to keep my head above water for the past 2 years. Starting year 3, I've begun my reflective period. I'm still grieving Michael, but now I've accepted that he's gone. It's time for me to look at my future without him, whether i like it or not. We have no choice in that matter. I've started to purge his piles of clutter, while taking pictures of the items I discard/remove/sell. I don't need the item to remember. A picture of the item will do just fine to jog my memory. I've started moving furniture and rearranging things the way I want. Also, I've been really searching to find who I am. The new me. I miss the old me, but it is kind of exciting to see who am I now and who I will become. I will bring him with me in my heart and he will help guide me through. I've been feeling pretty good and things have been going pretty well for me. Now the other shoe falls... I've faced many things on my own since he's passed, but this one really scares me. I had a mammogram done last week. I just got a phone call from my doctor's office, saying that they want me to get additional films and an ultrasound done on my left breast. My family has a strong history of cancer, including my mother and paternal grandmother both having breast cancer. Thankfully, my mother is now cancer free for over 20 years, but it did take my grandmother. I'm trying to look at this with my new eyes; as something that I can't control, so I shouldn't worry. What will happen will happen. If it's there, it's just something I have to deal with. Not going to get any better if I worry. If it should turn out to be the worst case scenario, I hate that he's not here to cheer me on and be my comforter. But on the other hand, if it does turn out to be the worst case scenario, then I get to see him that much sooner! I'm sorry for being so blunt. Not trying to be morbid or cause anyone a trigger. I guess I'm just nervous and felt I needed to talk about it. Thanks for listening.
  8. Thanks foodcooppres! Those are great ideas. I've been going through a mood of boredom and questioning my future lately. I've just been feeling blah and uninspired. I feel like I'm just merely existing right now. Not doing anything of purpose. Your ideas may give me some direction.
  9. Thanks for the advice. I think I will seek professional help with this, since I don't want to make any mistakes.
  10. Thanks Kay! Yes, we all deserve medals. It really is a shame on how some people seem to prey on the grieving. Take total advantage at our disadvantage. Heartbreaking!
  11. Hey gang! It's been a while since I've checked in and I'm glad to report that, with God's help, I'm hanging in there. I just passed the 7 month mark of Michael's passing and things have been...um...interesting. So many things have happened...House repairs that included dealing with contractors, car repairs and finding a new mechanic that respected women, and I've had to survive numerous "firsts without him", including preparing for and enduring a hurricane. I still miss him in every moment of my day, but the debilitating grief waves aren't coming as frequent as they were. I'm not finding myself in a constant state of sadness. Don't get me wrong, I still get hit with tidal waves of emotions at the slightest trigger, but I'm finding that I'm beginning to accept the unchangeable. He's not coming back. Stark, but true words. I still love him with all of my heart and soul. I'd give anything to have him back, healthy and whole. Yes, it breaks my heart that the love of my life is gone and my life has changed forever. But my life isn't over. I'm pretty proud that I have come this far. I think he'd be proud too. However, I have found that my life has become a routine of boredom. I'm just existing. I go to work and I come home to veg in front of the TV until I go to bed. My tablet has become my new best friend. A constant companion that is by my side from the moment I wake up, until I go to bed at night. A never ending blue glow of Facebook, games, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. But I KNOW that Michael would want more for me. He never wanted me to wallow or forget who I am and what I'm capable of. He was my biggest cheerleader and I must honor him by being the best me I can. I do have a great support system of friends that I go and do things with (whenever my budget allows) and I am forever grateful of their friendship and concern. I guess I just haven't found my next step yet. I really have no idea what to do now. I do know that the upcoming months are going to be rougher than the current hurricane season. Halloween was Michael's favorite holiday. I'm already getting misty just looking at all of the decorations. November will be tough with both Thanksgiving and our wedding anniversary on the 27th. We would be celebrating 24 years of happy marriage. I already expect to be a basketcase that day. Then, of course, there's Christmas, New Years, then finally my birthday in January. The thought of going through all of this without him is almost too much to bare. So, I will continue to chant my mantra..."one day at a time". It's helped so far, just knowing that there is no timeline with grief. It happens at it's own pace. I haven't decided if I'm going to decorate for anything this year. I will come to those decisions as they arise. I'm happy to report that my stepdaughter will be coming to visit me the week between Christmas and New Year, so I won't be alone. We will be together to celebrate. I'm sure the wine will be flowing.
  12. I just lost Michael this year, so next years taxes will be my first experience with doing them without him. He always did the taxes, so I'm not sure exactly how to do it. What will they want to see? I hate this crap...
  13. Thank you scba! That article is great. I'm adding it to her reading material.
  14. Thanks Gwen and Kay! I will listen to your advice and lay it out for her, tactfully. I appreciate your help, support, and understanding! Kay, that list is perfect! Thank you!
  15. No, but she did lose her parents tragically at a young age. She was only 22 when they both died in a boating accident. Let me clarify (I know some of you may remember me talking about my father passing not too long ago)....my parents have been divorced for over 20 years and my father passed away 3 years ago. So technically she's not a widow, but my father is gone. My mother is remarried.
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