Hi all. I have never posted in a forum before, but I'm hoping sharing the grief inside me will give me some peace. I am the type of person who bottles up all feelings and acts like everything's Ok, which is definitely not a good coping mechanism, especially when dealing with the loss of a parent. My mother was diagnosed with a very rare type of cancer and after many, many different and painful treatments, she was gone in less than 5 months. The worst day of my life was the day when the hospital told us there is nothing more they can do and they're sending my mother home (she refused to go to a Hospice). The last week of her life, my sister and I (and some nurses) took care of her and I literally watched her die and fight to the last breath. Those images haunt me every day and pop up at any time. My busy lifestyle and the suppressing of my feelings led me to believe that I'll be Ok for a little while. But what I'm discovering is that I'm becoming more and more depressed, anxious, and just unable to go on like this. I feel like I am numb and don't care about anything. I have a hard time concentrating at work, I have no interest in going out with friends, I have gained weight and stopped exercising, and I feel that I want to break up with my boyfriend of over 5 years who wants to get engaged soon. I pretend I'm Ok in front of everyone all day long and that is truly exhausting. I am reaching out to therapists and hope to be able to start therapy soon, but even this seems like a huge effort and another "choir" to add to my list, as anything outside of just laying in bed at home feels like a huge effort. I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, but any advice on how to cope better will be much appreciated...