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About Firedragon

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  • Location (city, state)
    Bethesda, MD

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
  1. Hello, I wish I had seen this sooner, I hope you're still checking the thread. I'm sorry about your mom. I lost my mom relatively suddenly (although we had a few weeks) about a year ago. I'm 27 and have not found many other people who relate to losing a parent in their 20s. To answer your questions: YES, the depression started to hit me a lot more right around the 6-8 month mark, actually. After the one year anniversary, it really sank in that this is reality now, and I've definitely been experiencing some more depression lately. I went to grief counseling intermittently and thought I was fine but now I think I have to go back. It's affecting all areas of my life, and sometimes I don't realize that my upset feelings probably tie back to grief. No, I didn't really want to enter a relationship right away, but that's more because my grief exacerbated some other problems I have around that (social anxiety...) However, I totally agree with your last point. I already struggled with relationships, but after my mom's passing, I feel even more broken. Like I'm too destroyed emotionally to be there for another person, while craving the connection more at the same time. So I get where you are coming from.
  2. I can't believe it has been a year since my mom passed away unexpectedly. March 26 was the anniversary of her death and April 1 will be the anniversary of her memorial service. (Also Easter and Passover weekend, seems like an auspicious date.) I actually don't feel extra sad or anything this week. Just the same lingering sense of missing her that has been there for months now, which I know will never go away. Some thoughts on what's been going on... I still have a lot of dreams about her, mostly nightmares actually. In a lot of them, it turns out she was still alive all along or comes back somehow, but something is wrong, like she lost the ability to speak or doesn't recognize me. Maybe that's my brain coming to terms that while this is terrible, it's the way things are supposed to be. My life hasn't changed dramatically in the past year. I still live in the same place, have the same job, same friends, same daily routine. I think the worst part is not being able to talk to my mom about my daily life. She was the one person who always wanted to know what I was doing, even if it was trivial in my eyes. I get upset when I can't share a favorite new book/movie/song with her. I think if/when my life does change, like if I buy a house, meet a partner/get married, etc., it will be difficult to know she's not there. It's been different for my dad, who changed his entire life becoming a widower. Surprisingly, though, my dad is already selling the house and moving in with his new girlfriend! I'm happy he's not alone but it's also been a little weird for me, if I'm being honest. Recently, I went to a grief therapist. She gave me some coping methods and introduced me to meditation, but I still didn't feel comfortable talking about some of my more complex emotions of grief. She told me "I think you're scared of your emotions." That's true to a point. I'm scared of giving in to the powerful grief and so I try to avoid things that might make me break down. Something to work on I guess. I did start getting a lot more serious about my writing hobby this year, and enrolled in a writing class. Some threads in my novel in progress are inspired by what I went through with my mom. It's a good way for me to process it in a way that is from a distance and yet very intimate, and I hope if it's ever published, it might help people see their grief reflected. Love to you all. Even if I don't post much, I visit the forum often and find it comforting.
  3. Firedragon

    Articles Worth Reading

    I don't think these have been shared yet. I read these two articles recently and found them helpful. The Grief Chronicles: The Washington Post interviewed several local people who experienced loss in the past year. It shows how different people handle grief and I thought it was very relatable. Understanding Grief: The author reviews two books about grief and talks about their own experience. I ordered Megan Devine's book, It's Okay That You're Not Okay (Devine is also quoted a few posts before this.) A line I liked from the article: "Just as we all love others in our own unique ways, so do we mourn their loss in ways that cannot be fit into a single mold or even a dozen different molds. "
  4. Firedragon

    Hard time at work

    I had a long talk with some coworkers about the issue. They're going to help me look for other opportunities both in our organization and outside. Feels good to be working on making progress.
  5. Firedragon

    Hard time at work

    Lately I've been feeling like my depression and grief is having a bad impact on my work. I was already kind of dissatisfied with my job (it's just boring and not in my chosen field), but it's gotten a lot worse. I don't care about anything in my job. I work very independently so sometimes no one would notice if I don't finish my work. I find days pass where I don't complete any tasks all. Then I rush to finish everything, but I'm sure my boss will catch on soon. This seems work-specific. Even when I'm sad, I still find interest in my hobbies like art and reading. I think part of is that after my mom's passing, I "woke up" to what is important and realized that I don't enjoy my job. The other part of it is depression pure and simple. I have some coworkers/friends to confide in but I'm embarrassed to discuss my problems directly with my boss. I thought of utilizing the EAP or something to try and get through my "work block." What else can I do? Has anyone else experienced this?
  6. Firedragon

    Six months on

    I always appreciate the responses here and have returned to them during the difficult holiday period. I still haven't worked up the courage to go to a grief counselor but would like to soon. I don't know why I keep putting it off, I guess part of it just my normal shyness. I have been exercising and working on my writing project, and that helps. Mathilde, thanks for your response and I'm sorry for your loss too. It's been more like 8 months for me too now and I know what you mean. I feel more of a dull depression than despair now. You're right that people usually don't ask how we're feeling this far on, I think a lot of people who haven't experienced it don't realize how long grief can last.
  7. Firedragon

    Six months on

    It's been a little over six months since my mom passed. (As I was reminded by a letter from the hospice...not sure if that was appreciated or not.) If anything I think I've actually been feeling worse as the shock has worn off. Also, a lot of the offers to spend time with me from friends have dried up seeing as the "need" has passed. I've been dealing with depression a lot, feeling empty, not wanting to do anything, and low energy. Some days I do feel good. Today I had a really nice day, and felt actually happy, but in the back of the mind it was "how long will this last...I'm just waiting to come down again." I'm really disengaged at work and don't feel like putting full effort into my job most days. I've been having a lot of physical symptoms too, phantom pains almost. (Which is something I've dealt with before since I have hypochondria but it's worse now.) I spoke to my doctor about that and she referred me to therapy. However, I can't get an appointment until November. Sometimes I think..."it was just your mom, not a spouse, everyone deals with this." But then sometimes I get SO ANGRY that I have to deal with this at a younger age than most of my friends. Including friends who have terrible relationships with their parents, when I was so close with my mom. I'm also still dealing with being an emotional sounding board for my dad, at times I feel like I can't express my feelings to him because I have to be strong. We don't have much extended family, just the two of us. He's coming for a week at Thanksgiving and I'm not sure how that will be. I am dreading the holidays, I actually wish I could just stay home and act normal, not take any time off and distract myself with work, but there are social obligations. I just wanted to vent. I read the posts on here periodically and it's helpful to see what others are going through. Hopefully I will get a therapy appointment soon to talk about this in person.
  8. Firedragon

    Feeling guilty

    Lately I've been feeling guilty for how I acted when I visited my mom in the hospital before she passed. The first day I visited, she was still aware and able to talk a little bit. However, I was so overcome by grief and fear that I could barely speak to her and stayed out of the room a lot. By the next day, she couldn't talk and was totally out of it, both from the illness and the morphine. I gave up my last real chance to talk to my mom. All I can think about lately is how she probably thought I was selfish and didn't love her. Even before that, I feel guilty about the last time she came to see me before she got sick, at Christmas. We had a few arguments about stupid stuff and I acted rushed because I wanted to get back to work. Now I hate myself for that. Is it normal to feel this guilty?
  9. Firedragon

    Completely overwhelmed...

    I know how you feel, I went through something similar with my mom. We had a couple weeks at least but it was still sudden. I'm your age and an only child too. It's awful, it's been a couple of months but it's still unreal to me. The paperwork and legal issues can be good to keep you busy, but it's also stressful. If you need someone to talk to who is going through a similar situation feel free to send me a message.
  10. Firedragon

    I feel empty without mom

    Just wanted to say thanks for stopping by and sharing the articles. They were helpful. It's been a couple more weeks and I'm about the same, but my dad has plans to come visit me in June and I think that will be a good step for both of us. I'm thinking of going to grief counseling. I have never done something like that before but it seems like it would help.
  11. I lost my mom about a month ago. It was very sudden. In February she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, already stage IV. From there it turned out that they were unable to do anything to treat it. She was gone within a week of being told that. I stayed with my dad in New York for two weeks, but then went back to my home in Maryland. It's been hard being away from my dad, but at the same time I like being in my own space because it helps me cope and not be confronted with grief all the time. I'm surprised at how I'm processing this. I was super close with my mom and always thought I would be a wreck when she passed. Of course I'm only 27 and never thought I would deal with it this soon. Instead I mostly feel in shock. While my mom was in the hospital I was a mess, crying constantly, and could barely be in the room or speak to her because it was so hard. I regret that a lot now since I wasted my last few days with her out of fear and sorrow. As soon as she passed, it was like a numbness settled over me. I barely even cried at the funeral. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. But then I realized that my grief was manifesting in other, hidden ways. I have nightmares about my mom every night--like night terrors, waking up screaming, sleep paralysis, etc. I actually found this site because I googled how to deal with nightmares from grief. I think I'm burying my feelings so much and it comes out at night. Since I got back, I have only interacted with a couple of close, trusted friends. The idea of large social gatherings is overwhelming. When I'm home alone, I feel tired and uninterested in everything. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything besides the basics go to work, make dinner, go to bed. Also I have been disconnecting from anyone else who knew my mom because I don't want to talk about it. I told my aunt and some friends from my hometown I would call them, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to talk about the pain and grief. With the exception of my dad, since he still calls me. I don't know what to do about this, I just want to be alone but I know I shouldn't shut people out. I already feel a little better after reading some posts on this forum. I don't know many others who have lost their mother at this age, so it helps to realize I'm not the only one who has experienced these crazy feelings.