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About Kaybee

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Ex wife
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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395 profile views
  1. Hi again. It’s been a while since I last checked in, however I have been quite busy...I am pleased to say that I completed my EMDR therapy this week. I feel so much better, it truly seems like a miracle therapy. I gradually started to notice the gloom lifting and the hypervigilance diminishing. The heaviness has gone, the fear, flashbacks, nightmares and intrusive thoughts have faded away. I feel like my old self again. It didn’t happen overnight, there were some tough days and nights along the way, but if anyone reading this is considering EMDR, I would say: go for it. Thank you Kay and Marty for your support, interest, experience and the wealth of information. It was just when I needed it most.
  2. Hi Kay, Thank you for your reply. The whole concept of EMDR is fascinating. I sat there watching lights move R-L and back again and afterwards I wondered how on earth this would help. Well, from the amount of REM sleep I think I've had the past few nights, it would certainly seem that something is going on in there! I am enjoying this new job - I was previously a nurse and found it increasingly hard to switch off and felt so burnt out. My plan had always been to move into a different job, even before the events of this year. This manager's behaviour thankfully doesn't make me feel reluctant to go into work - after all, I have met with far worse scenarios in my nursing career! It's all relative. You're right though, it's maybe something that can be dealt with in sessions.
  3. Apologies for bumping this thread. Firstly, I have a positive development to report...I had my first EMDR session this week, finally, after a few weeks on a waiting list. Interesting effect so far has been very strange and vivid dreams, nothing distressing or frightening, just odd and rather comical! This first session was preparation for the trauma work which starts next week. It feels positive to be getting that work underway. The negative development is I have been having an issue at work with a manager. I find him hostile in his attitude towards me, I always have done since I started. This makes me wary around him. Today he was particularly dismissive and rude when I approached him to give him a telephone message. I was taken aback and returned to my desk with tears in my eyes. I'm 9 weeks into this job and I enjoy it and enjoy a cordial working relationship with all my other colleagues. This manager is very pleasant to everyone else but me it seems! I'm disappointed with my reaction, it felt like my abusive relationship all over again and I went into freeze mode and felt unable to challenge his behaviour. It's days like this that make me feel low, like I have a weakness and that I'll never feel 'normal' again.
  4. Kaybee

    Physical symptoms?

    I wholeheartedly agree with that, Marty. On days when my appetite returns it tends to return with a vengeance, so I try to fill up with nutritious food to see me through the 'knot in the stomach days'
  5. Kaybee

    Physical symptoms?

    Hi Joy, I'm with you on the no appetite...to the point of upset stomach. Keeping hydrated is important because you have no appetite you can tend to neglect fluid intake as well. Also, the pain in my muscles some days...sore even to touch sometimes. I've recently noticed a very heavy sensation, like I'm wearing a very heavy overcoat...it seems to make me a bit slower in doing things. This might be a protective mechanism I'm not sure. I guess you can't rule out anything when experiencing loss!
  6. Kay and Gin, it's great to get worrying health issues cleared. Good news for you both. I completed my first full week back at work in my new job. I've felt pleasantly tired - the sort of tiredness you get from having achieved something. I also feel that I've earned my down time this weekend. It's one weight off my mind, feeling useful again.
  7. Kaybee

    The Death Of A Marriage

    Thank you for the good wishes. It's quite a career change from what I was doing up until a few months ago, but I knew the old career was burning me out. Everything has changed in 6 months, feels like I'm starting from scratch...not necessarily a bad thing!
  8. Kaybee

    The Death Of A Marriage

    Kay, It's clear he took advantage of your being in such a vulnerable state and manipulated you because you are a decent, kind and caring person. I'm sorry that the marriage had such far reaching implications for you. The law seems to have failed you dismally. My heart goes out to you. I admire you for having the strength to be so proactive at the end of your marriage. I wish I had been the same, but I was so afraid of stirring up a hornet's nest (he had threatened to kill me as I was walking out the door) I felt the best thing to do was lie low and not provoke. No contact...'radio silence'. Besides, any legal battle would have been long drawn out and very expensive and I just couldn't muster the strength for that. I didn't have an 'escape plan' and wholeheartedly wish i'd consulted domestic violence organisations for advice. I regret it now, but we are where we are and even walking out the door with a death threat ringing in my ears didn't make me acknowledge that the marriage was abusive. I felt I had no grounds to report to the Police. All I knew was that I was tired and drained. The mind is a strange thing. I'm glad to read that you feel you are in a better place now and that gives me hope, for sure. And you're right - Marty's exhaustive research is worth its weight in gold. Quite how she manages it all is beyond me. My new job starts next week and working full time will hopefully distract me from ruminating. I do really want to put the past behind me. Thank you for responding to my post.
  9. Kaybee

    The Death Of A Marriage

    Dear Kay, I hope you don't mind my commenting and 'resurrecting' this thread. Your experience with John sounds rather like my own. I find it so difficult to comprehend what actually happened during my marriage and am angry with myself for not calling it at the time for what it was...abuse. By that I mean, I kept quiet about what happened even after I left, apart from telling my sister and my friend. Even then I wondered if I had got it quite right...then 12 months ago, the full realisation hit me. Now, my ex is dead and it has brought more issues to the fore. This is at a time when me and my partner have relocated for a fresh start. Yet, it feels like my ex still has a hold over my life and everything feels close to disaster. I thought I was at rock bottom in my marriage but this current state feels worse. I feel like a big let down. Reading your story and your updates does give me some hope of a life after all this. Thank you for sharing your experiences. You have such amazing strength, courage and compassion. Marty's post about 'The Awakening' gives me a glimpse of inspiration as well. I'm still here to tell the tale, after all. I just need to find the courage to finally draw that line and say ENOUGH...to start standing up for myself and move on.
  10. Kaybee

    Open to Hope Interview

    This made for great listening and it was nice to hear your voice Marty. It's good to hear an acknowledgement that grief doesn't only follow a death; any sort of loss can invoke a grief response. The blog and forum has been such a boon to me at this time. The many links provided on the site have been most enlightening and provided great reassurance in some dark moments. Here we are all united in experiencing loss one way or another.
  11. Thank you so much. In recent months I have been reminded of the Shakespeare quote: 'When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions' and it felt like nothing was going right. Ordeal after ordeal. The prospect of having some order and routine back after a number of months actually excites me.
  12. Hi. I wanted to share that I got a job offer today! Going back to work feels like a good dose of normality for me. Hopefully not too long until I get started
  13. Kaybee

    In reverse

    Thank you Marty. Today has been a better day. I spent most of the day walking by the sea and, as a result, the anxiety didn't feel as all consuming. The link you shared was most insightful as well. I'm so glad to have found this site!
  14. Kaybee

    In reverse

    Hello again. You will all have to forgive me for the many questions that I will inevitably have over the next while. I appear to be having a spike in anxiety at present, having seen a therapist last week. What I'm feeling at the moment feels like how I felt in the first few days following my ex husband's death (now 3 months ago). Knotted stomach, heart pounding, lump in my throat, a really awful fear of something dreadful about to happen. I'm satisfied that these are anxiety symptoms but it feels unbearable to think I'm going backwards. It feels like a lack of progress. The urge to run and hide is so strong. My question: is this feeling of going backwards normal?