KittyDeBeauvoir

Hi SummerW, Thank you for your kind words. I really, really appreciate it! I think rather than feel I have been through a little bit this year. I suspect that I am putting a "stopper" on feeling the full extent of it as a kind of survival mechanism. That sounds dramatic - I think what I mean is that if I think and process it all as one thing at once, I'll crumble and backtrack (i.e. leave this new life because it's all too much and just go back home). While home is definitely where the heart is, I want to be with my partner and have this new life experience . I don't want to just stop. I have started going to yoga which takes an hour in the hopes that it will be a stabilising force...and I think it has, to some degree. It's guided, and challenging, and relaxing, and there's no pressure. Please note I've never done yoga before this, so I'm no pro! I've also changed workplaces as I discovered the workplace I was in was a very poor fit. I've only started at a new place this week, and I am already more happy and much less stressed. I have made some connections - linked into some meet-up groups and book clubs that I hope to act upon soon, but haven't as yet. Part of that has been work-stress related (hopefully will resolve now that I am happier in new workplace), and due to post-grad work (in my last fortnight this semester); so, again, hopefully that will help make me feel more sociable soon. Baby steps. Thank you.

Hi All, I made a post a few weeks ago about how my Dad's one-year anniversary is coming up, and it's tomorrow. As I mentioned in my other post, I am across the country from my lovely brother and my Dad's resting site. I'm just wondering what might be a good thing to do to acknowledge and appropriately feel the day? There's a local cemetery nearby that I think I might go to - basically, to wander around, cry, and get the worst out of my system. Is there anything that others have done on this day that helps? Just looking for suggestions. Thank you - Kitty

Hi all, Sorry to bother. It's been a several months since my last post. A fair few different things have happened even since my dad's death. My relationship with my mother deteriorated (it was never super strong to begin with), and now we are estranged. It occurred simply when I *actually decided* there was no good reason to continue with our toxic relationship. The resultant lack of a mother-daughter relationship has been fine. A relief even. It just sucks that in one year I have lost both parents. It's not like I can talk about it with my dad - and that's the worst part. Please don't assume I am saying the deliberate break-off of my relationship with my mother is the same as losing your mother. It's not...and I completely acknowledge that. Like I said; for the most part, it's a relief. The other big changes have been that I have since moved across the country. This was due to a contract my partner accepted, and I was excited about living in a new place. Moving; however, is (obviously) about leaving behind your friends, your job, your network, and your family that's still there. My family consists now of my brother and his pregnant fiancée. That's a tricky part - I'm across the country and I haven't been there for most of the pregnancy - and I'll have to arrange time off from my new workplace to visit newborn bub. It's tricky getting a new job and learning the ropes in a new workplace. I miss my work-friends tremendously. They made going to work a joy; and - again - it's hard working with new people who you haven't connected with (hopefully - yet). I miss my friends. My friends and their families who came and made sure I was okay after dad died. Even those that didn't immediately know - I just miss them so much. I'm feeling the anxiety of a new place and job without having that social network has been very difficult. Theoretically, I want to go out and find some new-city friends, but I feel completely uninspired to go out and socialise. I'm finding I'm spending less time in things I used to find enjoyable - even reading. I suspect that has to do with the continued grief as well as anxiety of living in a new place. It's a weird conundrum. ANYWAY - after that rant...it comes back to my dad's one-year anniversary is coming soon (25th May) and I don't know what to do. My partner is absolutely wonderful. I am so happy and most comfortable and at ease when I'm with him; however, we are both shift workers...and it's difficult of late to spend as much time together. Furthermore, despite any grief, I don't feel it's up to him to make me 'feel better' in our new city. I think I'm just thinking about all this because of Dad. It's not as bad as that first week after (which I suspect is the worst time of life - from my limited experience), but I'm not sure if it's improved much over the subsequent time. Thanks for letting me rant Kitty

I'm feeling this as well! It's exhausting and you wonder if it will ever stop. I don't have any answers, but misery loves company.

Hi All, It's been about 4 months now since my wonderful dad passed and I'm struggling a little bit. At the moment, I'm finding issue with social engagements - I just don't want to do them. The most recent two events included my mother: She invited me out for a picnic as well as to meet two of her new friends who are apparently close to my age. Although I am very happy my mother is getting out and about, being social and enjoying meeting new people- I'm just not interested. I tried to politely turn down the invitations which just served to irritate my mother. I understand this attitude comes across as selfish and rude. It's not intentional; I just can't bring myself to enjoy social events. It's enough that I still go to work (which is very social - I'm a registered nurse at a busy public tertiary hospital). In the words of Greta Garbo - I just want to be alone. Is this still okay 4 months later?

Hi All, Thanks again for your replies. In terms of my Dad's birthday, I went to work...and probably shouldn't have. I completely cried on arrival and had a bad nothing-went-right day overall. Lesson learned there. In other news: I'm having some trouble with arranging face-to-face counsellors. The Employee Assistance Program I mentioned earlier reported that their "extended hours" were the hours of 0800-1700. Not particularly helpful when you work full-time. I'm not inclined to take time out of work to attend counselling sessions as I work as part of a team that is already sort-staffed and short-skilled...and more than that, I'd feel better if I put in a full day's work and then focussed on counselling afterwards. They do offer telephone-counselling, but I was not initially sure I would get the full cathartic experience over the phone. Does anyone have any experience with phone counselling? Did it prove helpful and gave the relief you needed? All thoughts appreciated.

I hope they share in our moments. It feels like an awful long time if they don't and it's hard to imagine doing life-fulfilling things and not be able to tell him about them and/or involve him. It will also be his birthday soon (6th July) - what sort of things do people do on the birthday anniversaries? I feel I just want to crawl into bed and wait the day out.

Thank you so much for replying. It means more than typed words can adequately express. I never thought of seeking help for emotional injury as a similar pathway as you would for a physical one. I had a look at a brochure for an Employee Assistance Program at work where counselling services are offered to employers and employees, but the odd thing is that the brochure didn't provide contact details. It seemed a bit strange. Shall have to find it online. Just have to (half-heartedly) finish an assignment first, so I can concentrate. Thank you, Marty T, for the links. I'll have a look now.

I'm 29 now - it's comforting to hear you were the same age. Perhaps it's strange and just wishful thinking, but I still feel 29 is too young to lose your dad. He wasn't in great health, but my brother and I very brokenly admitted we "hoped for at least a few more years". It's kind of awful the things you remember you'll miss out on - like you mentioned; dad not meeting his grandbabies... He won't be able to walk me down the aisle - that's a bad one that gets me; he would have been pretty thrilled and honoured to do that. He wanted to show me some countries he visited in his youth, and discovered how they have changed in the preceding decades. Things like that, you know. Right now, I just miss the physicality of him. I miss his shaved cheek and his scent. That special Dad smell. What you say makes sense - we aren't born equipped to handle things like grief... and telling people you're okay as a way of protecting yourself. God, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I'm so sorry. That's too, too sad.

I suppose it doesn't ever go away then... I feel I have withdrawn a lot. I find it difficult to muster the energy to see friends and family. Part of it is just feeling exhausted a lot, another aspect is not wanting to act particularly social, and yet another is guilt at doing almost anything that is potentially considered engaging in life. At this stage, just going to work is an effort, but I'm determined to keep going - sort of have a purpose each day. Anything more than that is a bit overwhelming. I'm sorry to hear about the extraordinarily sad timing with your dad and uncle. When it rains, it pours. I have said that to myself a lot these few weeks. Does it often happen that way? Bad things happening at once, or does it just seem that way because we're more vulnerable when it does? I hope you were okay on the day of the anniversary. I hope you remembered many happy, fond memories.

Hi All, First-time poster - I saw this site randomly when I typed "my dad died..." into my search engine because who doesn't do that? So...yes... I lost my wonderful father almost 3 weeks ago, and I don't know how/when this awful load with ease. It was an awful day in itself - I was *at* a funeral of my friend's grandmother, and was visiting the internment site of my friend who died five years ago when I got the phone call from my mother that my father had likely passed with the paramedics still working on him. Promises I am not making this up. Anyway, long story short - my dad passed away from a cardiac arrest and I am ... broken. I had a very understanding work family who gave me compassionate leave and condolences. I have fantastic friends who shock and bewilder me with their rallying and support. My brother is fantastic - understandably he felt most able to handle things when he was organising. Still much to be done, obviously. My mother is difficult, but that's neither here nor there. I want to send thank-you notes and flowers and chocolates to all people who were so kind during that awful initial period and find I am stalling. I have gone back to work and that has helped. I went to Singapore for a wedding of my partner's friend just four days ago - which was lovely and a celebration of life - and all I could think of was all the thoughts and ideas and suggestions my father had about Singapore ("Try the Chilli Crab in Singapore - nothing like it anywhere else!"). I felt terrible for going - like, dropping all my responsibilities and jetting off overseas for a gay ol' wedding. Naturally, no one anticipated this, but there's a large guilt-ridden part of me that tells me I should have cancelled the trip and mourned like a properly respectful child. Anyway - all of this pales in comparison to the fact that I just want my dad back. I miss my dad. I know this will never be okay, but when will it ease? How do I know is the right time to get help, i.e. counselling? Is 3/4 weeks too soon to really go through the counselling process? Or am I just unnecessarily prolonging *not* talking about it? If I were to talk about it; I think I would prefer a stranger - I tend to typically internalise things and crying in front of my loved ones is not a common pastime for me. My partner has been amazing. The only irksome side of it is he is telling our friends and family that I'm "doing okay"...which feels wrong. I'm functioning. I'm existing. But "okay" sounds too easy right now. Any thoughts, suggestions, comments are all appreciated.