Monica M

Hi Kay! Your Mom sounded like a very "Feisty" and quite independent...Same as my Mom she was very strong willed and extremely independent, but at the same time she has always very dependent on me. It was very difficult as you mentioned, watching it get stripped away...I totally understand that for sure! My Mom did not remember anything I told her either, but when I was there she was so very excited!!! I could visit her and get home and within 15 minutes the facility (also a dementia care unit) would call me because my Mom wanted to talk to me...She would ask me where are you? Are you coming to see me? When I would tell her I just left she did not believe me...So I would go back to see her! Ha,ha...I was a sap when it came to my Mom! My Mom did not even know she had a house either, she totally forgot! She even forgot her husband (my Dad, he passed 20 years ago this year) she was afraid of his picture because she did not know him . Most of the time she knew me, there were a couple times she was afraid of me...but after about a half hour she knew me again, she'd grab me and hug me and say "when did you get here sweetheart"? Boy I MISS those hugs:( I seen a lot of things my Mom would do or things she would eat etc, that she NEVER in a million years would in her right state of mind...You nail polish story is CUTE!!! and very familiar, My Mom would also be ever so careful and proud , she would go show everyone and of course at the same time volunteer me to polish their nails too..Ha, Ha!!! Soooooo many wonderful stories we could tell huh Kay?!? As I sit here typing of course I'm crying...Its part of it I guess! What a truly horrible disease....very devastating!!! Your past don' t exist... the present is confusing... and your future has no meaning! Well that really stinks!!! Again,Kay it has been nice talking with you! Thanks again for listening and sharing! I hope I haven't babbled too much:) Have a great day Monica

Hi Kay, I agree, yes we do what we can at the time...my family was very supportive as well 2 brothers and 1 sister. I always took care of my Mom even before she got sick...She was my very best friend in the world!!! It was a great sigh of relief when she was placed, knowing she was safe meant the world to us and that she would be cared for. It is hard, she did not understand why she was there and why she wasn't coming home with me she cried, broke my heart!!! But as time went by she did really well and adjusted. I seen her every day 2-3 times a day... always tried to take her out when she was able to go. It was extremely hard and yes I do understand, special at the same time... We both looked forward to our visits so much, she was like a child so giddy when I got there. Had a lot of fun with her, we held hands sang, I did her hair, went out to eat and so on...Boy I miss her as I am sure you miss your Mom. Have a great weekend and thanks for listening:) and your kind words! Monica

Hi Kay, I am so very sorry to hear about your Mom, that had to be extremely hard on you to watch her decline day by day You too did the very best you could, it sounds like your support group (family) was not very supportive. It is easy for family members to stand back and dictate, but doing actually means something... Yes, it is so hard to understand unless you walk the road yourself as you did. You knowing she was safe and not alone had to have been a HUGE comfort!!! I was also so thankful that my Mom was safe and had wonderful people caring for her and she wasn't walking around the streets not knowing where she was, and sometimes not knowing who family members were. The more people that I hear from as yourself the more I feel that yes, I did do the right things for her well being...But it is still a hard pill to swallow! ( As you also know). And it is so true, we can't rewrite the outcome! Thank you for that statement, as simple as it sounds it has a big impact Your Mom was very lucky to have you, I am sure you know that, sounds like you are a very strong loving person. I will take you advise and write my Mom, that just might help!!! Thank you so very much, I appreciate it!!! Monica

Hi Marty, Thank you so much for your kind helpful words! I have had many, many meetings with a all my Mom's caregivers and nurses while she was in there care...They are WONDERFUL and took great care of her, I always said that if I could not take care of her I was very lucky and grateful that they did. Truly amazing group! They too said many things to me that you have mentioned ...I sure hope the day comes for me when I don't have the guilt. I always remember love now when I think of my Mom... All I can do is try harder, to believe and trust that I did make the right decisions for my Mom!!! It is still soooo hard to not feel guilty and that I somehow failed my Mom... Thank you again for taking the time and responding

I start off saying, I am so sorry to all who have had loses. I too have lost my Mom, she was my very best friend in the whole world. (she was almost 81) We were super close!!! We were always together doing something, all she ever wanted was to come live with me... Its been 1 year and 5 days since she's been gone and I have such a heart ache . I also have guilt due to being her health care proxy I had to make some real tuff decisions that I would not wish on anyone. She had ALZ and began falling a lot very confused and scared all the time (was in Nursing Home)she was only in Nursing Home for about a year. She began walking with her head leaning with ear on shoulder, almost as if she forgot how to hold her head up. She also began loosing a lot of weight. She started to not eat or drink and that kind of began a downward slide, morphine was suggested for pain in 5mg doses just to help alleviate any pain from her falls. Well before I knew it she was practically incoherent, 9 days later she passed. She always told me never let anyone give her morphine...I feel as though I let her down, and if I had not allowed it she would still be here. I even considered taking her home...I wish I did! We had soo much fun when I would go visit (sometimes she thought I was her Mom, or her sister other times she knew who I really was) I didn't care I flowed with it and enjoyed every visit I had with her. I put myself in her world rather than try to bring her back to mine, I accepted who she had become. I will always remember her holding my hand 4 days before she passed and leaning to me and asking me if I was alright? I told her yes, and I asked her the same and she replied yes! That was pretty much the last time we spoke before she passed...EVERY day I kick myself for not taking her home and also for allowing morphine, very tuff to come to terms with! I try real hard not to blame myself but cannot get over the fact that if I had done more, or done things differently she would still be her! And yes, if I had it to do again...I would not have done things the way I did! But in real life there are no do overs!!! At the time I felt my decisions were the best ones for my Mom...now I am not so sure?!? Any advise?