on October 20, 2006 my precious son, Scott Matthew, passed away. I can't stop crying, I'm physically ill, suffering panic attacks and having to take medications to keep myself able to face each day. I wake up in the middle of the night and think about it, every morning I face the fact that it wasn't a nightmare, it really happened. Scott was 38 years old, would have been 39 on December 29th of this year. On June 15 (of this year) my husband's daughter passed away and we gained custody of her 15 year old son.... so we're raising our grandson. We had not had time to even begin to recover from the loss of our daughter when I lost Scott. I'm totally unfit to be in charge of any young person now. I feel like I've died inside but still feeling incredible pain. I resent laughter, I resent my husband's ability to put it out of his mind, I'm simply losing my mind. Last night I was cleaning out messages on my phone and there was one from Scott sent in August. I fell apart and now I hear his voice over and over in my mind. I've lost my parents, six brother, two sisters and many nieces and nephews in the past and I was able to recover. But this, this will kill me.... or worse leave me alive but insane with grief for the rest of my life. How can a parent survive the loss of a child? I have an older son and daughter who have been so good, so nurturing and so loving, even in the midst of their own grief. But, they have their own families and life must go on for them. I feel like my life has stopped. Am I crazy? I think I'm slowly slipping away from reality. I can't stop crying, even when I don't know I'm crying....... the tears just keep coming. I miss him so much, how do I survive the rest of my life without him? He was my youngest, my baby and one of my best friends. I just can't let him go. If I believed I had the right, I'd lay down and die. But, I can't do that to my husband, my other children or my grandchildren. I feel trapped, unable to live but without the right to die. I't only been two weeks since he died but I'm convinced I will never stop crying. I see his sons, who are so like him........ and I cry. I've tried to be strong but I have no strength left. I don't understand how this could happen.
