memyselfandi

Hello Celeste, I feel your pain. My dad passed away July 28, 2017 from dementia. Although he fought it every step of the way, it was the one thing in his life he couldn't fix. Dad was my rock and best friend. I was his main caretaker and we spent many good times together after my mom passed away from cancer in 2005. We kept each other going as I also went through a divorce at that time. Life was good, Dad was healthy...until he had a stroke which he recovered from quickly. When he made up his mind to do something, it was done; yet he could no longer handle the responsibilities of a large home with a big yard, so we moved him into a beautiful apartment at an Independent/Assisted Living facility. He lived there for 5 years..paying his own bills, taking his medications like he should, etc. There came a time later when he wasn't taking his meds like he should and started having seizures. One was very severe and he spent many days in the hospital. I was there 24/7, sleeping on a cot in his room. He recovered and went back to his apartment after therapy at a local Rehab Center, although he was far from ready. I spent most nights sleeping on his couch making sure that he wouldn't get up in the middle of the night and try to use the bathroom without assistance. Got him one of those call buttons and he refused to use it. One day I went home to take a shower and he'd fallen. Didn't tell me about it, but had a huge purple bruise on his ear. We figured it would go away, but I still too him to his MD who said the same. A few weeks later I got a call from staff that he'd forgotten how to use his legs while assisting him in the bathroom. I immediately called EMT's to take him to the hospital where they found he had a subdural hematoma, which is a brain bleed outside the brain. As the blood was building up, it was pushing his brain to one side. I had to decide whether to let him die like that, or to have a very risky surgery done to fix it. Of course I chose the surgery and prayed. Thankfully he survived that also, but because I no longer trusted him in his apartment, we decided on a nursing facility. There he received therapy while learning most things all over again such as talking, using his hands, etc. Two months later he was pretty much back to his normal self and was dressing, using the bathroom, getting in and out of bed, etc., all on his own. Yes, my dad was a fighter and I felt really blessed to have him back again. We spent hours together. I'd take him out to eat, out for rides..and many times I spent the night in his room just talking; while he slept in his bed and I slept on the couch in his room. I was soo very proud of him and what he'd accomplished!! He too was proud of the fact that he could get in and out of bed on his own; oftentimes showing me how limber he was as he jumped in and out of his bed. He didn't really jump..yet HE felt like he was, as it was soo very exciting for him to be able to do the things he couldn't a few months ago. He was happy and fairly healthy even though now and then he'd have a setback from what we believed to be mini seizures. Although it took a few months, before too long he was his happu go lucky self again. As the few years rolled by though, it was obvious that he had Vascular Dementia from his stroke. Although declining slowly, he started to have his good days and bad. Time went on and he started having to have his liquids thickened. He started getting more Urinary Tract Infections..one so bad that he ended up in the hospital with sepsis. Hospital staff told him how very very sick he was and didn't think he'd survive, but I again spent every second in his room, sleeping on a cot and making sure he knew I was there. He eventually started eating again and they removed most of his IVs. A few days later he was able to go back to his room at the nursing facility. Time wore on and he started having more medical issues. He wasn't eating like he should and started losing terrible amounts of weight. Sitting in his room while the nurses changed him; I could see how badly his hips were sticking out so we tried him on Ensure. It helped some but not enough. He was down to 140# and eventually got to #120 lbs. That was when I knew that eventually his Dementia would eat him alive. In the end, he could no longer swallow and was bed bound. I spent the last four days of his life sleeping on the couch in his room; making sure that when the nurses turned him to avoid bed sores, he could see that I was there. I knew he was in the process of passing away and stayed with him every minute until he was gone. At first, I was happy that he finally went to be with my mom as this had been his wish ever since she passed away. She was the love of his life and he missed he immensely!! I really felt that I was going to be okay; as with every day of his condition worsening, I was soo afraid that I'd end up in a crying puddle. As he worsened more, my nerves were so jagged that I was actually afraid of making a fool of myself, crying so hard that I'd never stop crying. Before he left this earth though, I laid next to him and cried my eyes out on his shoulder..just as I had when I was little..and every time after that when I needed his shoulder to cry on. I didn't cry for him to stay though..I cried for him to go ahead and find heaven and Mom. I cried and told him to leave this old body behind. Told him that he'd take a piece of me with him..and I'd keep a piece of him here with me. Neither of us left nothing unsaid as he talked to me with his eyes. He went peacefully and I was happy for a bit..thinking how happy he must be to finally be with my mom. Yet now I find joy in little, even though married with a wonderful husband. He keeps me going, along with my job giving me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.. Yet I still feel so sad. Like something's missing in my life and that's my dad. No more visiting him in the nursing facility; no more late night into early morning chats with him. It's all gone and now I need to somehow fix myself. If I can explain it, it's like I find no joy in anything anymore. I used to be such a happy go lucky person, but I hate the fact that I don't even feel like talking to my husband!! I have random anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere. My heart beats a mile a minute, I feel like I'm going to pass out..etc. Best thing is to lie down for a bit and wait for it to pass. I've missed work because of these stupid things and I wish they'd just go away as I love my job!!~ My counselor told me that being the caretaker of someone for 10 years..I've been going and going. I never felt tired then as I had a purpose..Dad. Now that he's gone, I guess in my own mind I no longer have that kind of purpose anymore. Being conditioned to worry..I still worry even though he's gone. Every time my phone rings I jump since I've been soo conditioned to worry that it's Grancare..even though he's gone. I hear an ambulance and right away thing it might be for Dad. Another conditioned response. I was told that this could go on for awhile..the anxiety attacks. My husband wanted to go up North for a weekend but I told him I would rather stay home...in my safe place..our bedroom/my parent's old bedroom. We have no children living with us so to take off for a weekend together would be wonderful for our relationship..yet right now..I just can't. Again, I feel this big empty void in my life and it's taking the joy of even something simple like laughter right out of me. I've become a real "Debbie Downer" I hate walking around with this empty space inside me. It's not fair to my husband..nor is it good for our relationship. He's been more than supportive; but I fear for the time that he's tired of my being tired and decides to move on. He's loyal and faithful though..one of the best hubbies ever...it's me I need to fix. And that's a tough one!! So sorry for the "novel"..just had to share in case someone has some major great ideas on how to fix myself...

Bless your heart and I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. Sending many hugs and prayers to you that you finally get some peace and closure. Hold a very nice family memorial wherever you see fit; maybe one of your dad's favorite places? Have a nice meal somewhere also where you all can share memories..everyone paying for their meals. I'm sure family isn't going to mind a bit. God Bless.