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Missyoud

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    1
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About Missyoud

  • Rank
    New Visitor

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Sister
  • Date of Death
    September 13, 2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Na

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Vicksburg, mi
  1. September 13, 2017. 14 days since my little brother died. Just typing that out I can feel my heart tighten even more which I didn't think was possible at this point. Most people seem to think that because he was my step brother it wouldn't be as painful for me as it is for his two brothers that are biological. What they fail to realize was we grew up together. My parents (mom and step dad who I consider very much a father) had full custody of us all. Our rooms were right by each other. We would yell at each other through the wall. Typical sister brother stuff. We were two years apart to the day. His bday being feb 24 mine feb 25. He was 31 and I'm 33. We stuck up for each other in school. We confided in each other. He considered me his sister as he was much of a brother to me as my biological brother. Through his addiction we lost touch until he hit his rock bottom and he got clean. We started to talk again. He met his nephews and niece and he came to visit. We got together with another's one of our brothers and our nephews a couple times. He started body building and building a life for himself. He was healthy and sober for what would of be 6years October 1 2017. I was so proud of him. He had come such a long way. Then I got the call 13 days ago that has flipped my world upside down and changed my life in every way possible. He was found that morning dead in his bed. He had overdosed. He was using again and it killed him this time. He was gone forever. He is gone forever. My little brother is gone. I didn't get to say I love you. I didn't get to tell him how much he meant to all of us. I didn't get to listen as he spoke about his pain and struggles. Instead he felt the darkness come over him and he made the choice to use again and it took his life. I can't face anyone that knew us because it's too painful to explain what's going on I just start balling. I'm not sleeping, I've been having anxiety panic attacks. Some days I'm ok other days like today I just cry until I fall asleep. I've gone a few places and have seen things that remind me of him and it's like a slap in the face that he's gone and I start crying. I had complete breakdowns all three of my flights during all of this initially. I flew to wa first where he lived met my parents there. Once everything was settled we flew to Alaska where we are from and I stayed there, then my husband and three of our children met me there then we all flew home. I broke down and couldn't catch my breath on all three flights. I love flying and traveling. I feel lost. I feel a pain so deep that I don't know what to do. I'm angry. I'm confused, I feel stuck. I don't know what to do... I always know what to do and if I don't I figure it out very quickly. I can't with this. It's like waves of pain just come over me. I'm looking at pictures one min laughing at memories and telling stories about him to balling hugging one of his shirts. What do I do? how do I move forward and how do I function again? I'm a mother myself I have 5 kids to care for and love. Someone please any advice? Wisdom something?
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