my dad + I had a difficult relationship. he would instigate an argument, then vow to never speak to me again. but after he had a stroke in 2000, we started talking again, re-establishing a dialogue. the stroke wasn't severe, but it was enough to keep him from being as active as he had been. this made him severely depressed. he talked often of killing himself. however, as time went by, he talked less and less about suicide, and focused on living. about 3 years ago, we were talking about me coming for a visit, to see him in Phoenix (i'm in Los Angeles). i don't know what set him off, but he turned nasty and once again, cut me off. that time, he meant it. i would, every now and then, ask my sister about him. ask if he'd asked about me. she would just say that he was a 'cranky old man' and leave it at that. last year, i began to send him greeting cards, for every holiday, birthday, whatever excuse i could find. at first, i just signed my name. as time went on, i wrote notes, telling him that i'd like to talk again. i never got a reply, or phone call, but i kept trying. i was always afraid that something might happen to him, and we would never get the chance to make speak again. i got a call last friday night, late, from my sister. she told me that he had died that same night. she was sobbing. she started apologizing, saying over and over how sorry she was for not telling me anything. how sorry she was for not telling me the truth about his condition. she said he had been in very poor health over the last 6 months. he wasn't able to walk, couldn't get out of bed. he'd stopped eating because he couldn't get to the bathroom and was afraid of making a mess in the bed. he was drinking + smoking heavily. then, a few weeks ago, he had a fall and ended up in the hospital. from there, he went to an assisted-living facility. that was where he died. i talked to the funeral home director today, to say that no one had told me anything. i didn't even know the cause of death. she read the report from the hospital. he had advanced lung cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, severe anemia, malnoutrition, deep vein thrombosis. when they found him unconcious friday night, he was in cardiac arrest. we don't have the death certificate yet, with the official cause of death, but i am guessing it was a heart attack that finished him off. i am devasated. i am in shock. i'm angry. angry that no one told me, to give me the chance to see him, or talk to him, one last time. i am saddened beyond belief, knowing that he was in such pain. spiritual pain, emotional pain, physical pain. he had isolated himself from everyone. according to the doctors, he was nasty, belligerent and mean. how could this be? this was my dad? the dad who nicknamed me 'Missy' when i was young. the dad who used to take us fishing, golfing, camping. the dad who played games with me. took care of me when i was sick. the dad who got me the music box for going on the scary ride at the fair. the dad who helped me with my homework every day after school. the dad who loved the outdoors + hiking. the thought of him, in bed, suffering, slowly killing himself, his body deteriorated, is shocking. it seems surreal. like someone else. someone i don't know. didn't know.
