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About JSK5351

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    Philadelphia, PA

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  1. Hi - I'm new here. My therapist recommended that I start blogging on a grief site, like this one, because I strangely refuse to talk to anyone else about my situation, besides her. On November 24th, 2016 (Thanksgiving Day), I lost my older brother due to cardiac arrest from a cocaine overdose. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. He was 24, and I was 21 at the time. Long story short: my mom received a call from his cell phone at 3:30 am, it was actually the nurse telling my mom that they found him on the side of the street. She said the doctors were working on him. I woke up to the sound of her screaming. My parents and I drove to the hospital. We were put in a little room. We were told he had passed away. My dad started vomiting immediately, and my mom started screaming. I literally felt my entire body go limp, and it felt like the life inside of me was sucked out. It's weird how we separate our lives into "before this happened," and "after this happened." Afterward, my dad could barely keep it together. The funeral was terrible. Everyone kept coming up to me telling me to "take care of my parents" and to "stay strong." As if I didn't lose someone. I feel a huge responsibility to take care of my parents, so I feel like I can't talk to them when I'm feeling down. Most days I am able to push my grief aside to study and accomplish my goals, but there are many days, like today, where I wish I could talk to someone who knows exactly how I feel. Like the people on this site. You guys understand the pain, the anger, the confusion, the sadness, the irrational hatred towards everyone who is living a perfect life who have no idea what this pain feels like. I wish I had someone to talk to. I feel like I can't even talk to my parents anymore, even when they're asking me how I am genuinely doing. I tell them, "I am fine. Don't worry about me. I'm perfectly fine and I'm getting through it." This is definitely a lie, but I just can't bring myself to tell them that I'm not doing so well. I just don't want to bring them any more unhappiness that they are already dealing with. It's weird. At first, whenever I would hear my mom crying, I would come in to her room and hold her. Now, when I hear her cry, I can't even bring myself to go in and help her. I hear her cry, but I ignore it. I just can't do it. It is exhausting. I don't know if it makes me a bad person, but it's emotionally exhausting. I have not really talked to anyone about my loss, not even my parents, or my closest friends. I just feel like no one gets it and explaining grief to someone who hasn't lost anyone is like explaining a foreign concept. I don't need anyones "sorry for your loss," I just want someone to get how I feel and to know that I'm not alone with my irrational anger and complex grief.
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