Vanush

Yes that's so true! I have essentially been by myself the past 3 years, and I have built so much resilience in this time. Ironically in this time I have changed careers and moved states, confronting some of my most feared challenges. I can also see the wise lessons it has taught both you and kayc. I am wondering, what were your takeaway messages from Alain de botton's speech? Mine were: 1. We shouldn't look for perfection in a partner 2. We need to communicate and work on our flaws constantly so we don't fall into pathological patterns.

Thankyou very much for that video Rae, it’s a fascinating one, I’ve decided to see someone and chat about relationships etc. Because it seems like I meet many lovely people, but haven’t met someone who I’ve really truly felt was for me. It’s so funny how that happens in life and I have been hoping that it is not me, and that I haven’t met the right person. Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t. Being alone has its real positives though, it was only the other night when I was thanking my lucky stars for being able to be alone on a hot summer’s night, it can get so hot lying next to someone. What ive discovered with a therapist has been fascinating. I think my inability to find th right person may be due to in some part to the instability in my life currently, living out of my home state for so long to pursue a dream and do further study, which will not be complete until early next year. With such an unstable and stressful existence right now and isolated from my long-time friends, I desire something to give me stability and calm. And it seems to me like that may not be able to be achieved until I find that stability which will inevitably come when I finish. I suppose it reflects what you have said here, we have to work on ourselves and be whole before coming together as a couple, only then can u bring a positive energy to a relationship. Sarah gave me that stability, but it wasn’t a romantic relationship. I believe perhaps I need to find that stability first, and I will then be ready to be in a relationship. Alain de Bolton was truly fascinating, I am watching him again!

Yes certainly, it does amaze me Rae that you are so young, you have so much vital insight to share. I believe you have hit the nail on the head with these insights. The concept of being emotionally unavailable is an intriguing one. What scares me about this situation was that with the subsequent people I have seen, it triggered me to think of Sarah fondly. I do not struggle to meet people, and am constantly meeting lovely people who I think are great. I don't feel nervous about talking to people or not being able to find someone who cares for me. What scares me however, is that I look at a lot of beautiful people now and I feel nothing, no desire or willing to date etc. This is what you've called emotionally unavailable and I agree. However, it feels like Sarah almost broke through that. Even though I met her at exactly the wrong time in my life when I was still mourning over the loss of a relationship, she made me feel significant feelings (even if it did not work out eventually). This comes back to the concept of right timing, but it scares me to think how wonderful things may have been had I not been in that place of mourning, or in the place of emotional unavailability. More importantly perhaps, I wonder how much time it will be until I can find another attractive again. I hope sooner rather than later. Kayc yes certainly, the further things go away, I forget how it all made me feel.

Very poignant words Rae and Kayc, and I thank you so much, you’re words provide so much comfort to an absolute stranger. I have always believed in a common humanity, and this group represents it so strongly. It is so true, the push/pull that you’re describing Rae, it is exhausting and occurs when I let my emotional state get the better of me, without using my rational head. We are so risk-averse as human beings and in my heart as I approach a certain age I panic that I won’t be able to find someone. But the reality is to find true love and happiness I guess you have to risk not finding someone, and I am now ok with that. I believe I am emotionally unavailable, and am taking some time to work on myself. I feel like perhaps today I felt a little better for the first time too. This concept of “almost relationship” resonates significantly with me Rae, have u had an experience like this? I knew so strongly it wasn’t the right thing for me, but I could not and maybe will not ever be able to describe why, it is intangible. For that reason she enters my thoughts frequently and I romantically fantasise about meeting her friends, family, feeling happy with her. Unfortunately in reality I wasn’t happy though. Whoever you are and wherever u are, I hope you know what a huge positive impact you’ve had on this man’s life, thankyou

It is unfortunate, but it seems to be getting worse over time, I had a dream about her last night, that I was riding in her car. Perhaps missing her worsens as I prepare to leave the state for good. When I was with her it was clear it just wasn’t quite right, but now I am not with her I desire her, her kindness and her familiarity. I wonder if it is her I desire or just the connection. When she opened up she revealed one of the most beautiful personalities I’ve seen. And yet still, there was a key ingredient missing I think.

Thankyou, could I clarify what you mean here? I am very instinctual in relationships, but also try to blend with logic and my head. This is the first time I've ever been faced with logic that told me this was a wonderful partner, committed, loving and more. But this collided with my instincts that said I wasn't in love. It was devastating for me to realise this fact, and still I grasp at straws to find what could have changed between us. Yes, it is certainly interesting Rae how we are constantly told to be independent and strong, but we also are natural for wanting companionship. We seek so many different things, some of them seem to be healthy and others not so much. And indeed, one person's "maybe" is a "heck yes" for someone else. Currently, I am fighting every inch of my body which is telling me to call her up, apologise and rekindle things. I know that would simply put us through more pain, and that the chance has gone now. Dopamine tricks us into doing things that really aren't good for us. Kayc, I can see both sides of the argument of bad timing as fallacy now. When I reflect upon meeting Sarah for the first time, I was still affected by a previous relationship. I thought 1 year had gone by and I was ready to continue to look for my life partner. But the reality was, I was still heartbroken. This surely played a part in my emotional unavailability at the time, and meant we didn't have much of a chance initially. However, her anxiety in bringing up "what are we" also contributed to this. The timing for meeting Sarah was not ideal. But as I believe, the right person can beat all of that. I have experienced that before, when I met a former partner 1 month before she planned to travel the world. That is the one time I have felt true love, and I promised myself after that relationship that I wouldn't settle for anything less.

Yeah thankyou, I understood that, I think that there may be some things to discuss for me

I would like to add too, that there was a lot of times where it just felt so easy, that we worked. For example, we went on a lovely walk in the sun around the ocean, and it was stunning. My mind happened to think though, as we were walking, that the surrounds were stunning, as was she, but the conversation lacked interest. I didn’t feel in love, or feel like I could be in love. This worries me as I feel as if I may be closed off as I’ve invested so much in my career

Amazing advice, I will certainly heed it. Your respective relationships sounded very similar. Rae, I am very sorry that happened to you. It sounds like Tim just wasn’t quite the right one for you. It seems like you have learnt so much from this and I’m so grateful for you sharing this with me. Kayc, you’re an amazingly strong woman for surviving with what has happened and I’m honoured to hear your thoughts. My girl, her name was Sarah, and the difficulty I’m having currently in not getting over her may be due to the fact that it wasn’t her with the issues, or having the difficulty getting to a point. It was me, each time I thought about committing to a relationship I froze up, although I am left pondering whether this could have been about the demanding nature of my job and career (and the fact I have to move states in 3 months). In the past, It has been hard to formally say someone is my girlfriend, but once I got over this initial hurdle plus meeting my family it felt more normal. As I stood at that edge though, I couldn’t say it, something was holding me back, and I just hope it wasn’t circumstances because that may make her the right person at the wrong time. Do you believe in that? My greatest fear, is that God has sent me a beautiful woman who really liked me, and I was not in the right headspace, so have let her get away now. After we broke up and got back together it didn’t feel right. There were times initially where it didn’t feel right either, but before we had the discussion of “what are we”, it felt right. We had a mismatch in our styles of dealing with that uncertainty, and that’s what brought us undone I believe. For me, once a relationship ends it’s never the same.

Thanks Rae, this experience sounds so similar. The heart and mind can really tease you and make you sad at times. My rational brain knows it wasnt the right thing. Yet a part of me wonders if I can be compatible with anyone, given how lovely etc she was. I can only live in hope I suppose. I have been on a date since, and when I realised it wasnt going anywhere and not as compatible (as the girl I've described), I felt a deep sadness set in. I think perhaps it is time to take some time off from all this and await some healing perhaps

Thankyou! I was wondering if I could ask one more question? I find it hard to step outside myself and interpret my own feelings. The relationship came to an amicable end last week. As it was, a voice in my head kept telling me to push on, but I was highly cognisant of the fact that we had gone apart and come together 3 times now. The circumstances were complicated by being from different states, but I gather that the right relationship doesn't feel like this? What is leaving me perplexed now, is the feeling of sadness and of missing her, although I had to be the one to bring it to an end. When I think of her, I see a beautiful, caring, amazing woman who in many ways is perfect. Each time we got back together it was heralded by a month of an amazing time, followed by the inevitable gut feeling of "this just doesn't feel right" or some boredom. I worry that this feeling was unduly influenced by external pressures (moving, being from different states), and yet I could never shake it. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, as when we were together it didn't feel like she was the one, and yet she was so perfect, on paper, and this serves to accentuate the feeling of missing her.

What particularly resonated with me Rae, was your point that just because two people are attracted to each other, doesn’t make them right for each other. I discussed at length with her last night, and we both agreed that it kept coming to a roadblock in our relationship. In many ways we were so similar, maybe even too similar, in that our lives were undergoing a state of flux. I am away from my family, but she is with hers here so either way it would have worked out that one of us would have had to be away from their family. I appreciate you telling me “what I might not have wanted to hear”, because it was the truth. Kayc you are absolutely right about not settling for someone for just company. I have been in a relationship before where no matter the circumstances it felt right, and I wanted to see that person. This was not the case here. It is devastating and sad, but ultimately the right decision. There is so much to be learnt in these situations, but the pursuit of love takes a heavy toll nonetheless

Thanks so much to both of you, your input was fantastic. I think, in hindsight, it just wasn't the right person and/or the right time. I think I was doing the natural psychological strategy of putting it up on a pedestal. As hard as it is to swallow, it is important to hold out, because I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship I cannot give my all to. Thankyou to all of you

That is so true. Thankyou, i think it may be too late. I have contacted her, but do not expect a response. I had the chance to think before I communicated with her initially, and I tried to be balanced and true to myself and her. My greatest regret right now, is I did not fully express that I was eager to be her bf. At the time, it felt forced, and I was hoping to come to the conclusion in my own time. I also wonder could I simply be regretting a decision that may turn out to be the correct one.

Hi all, Firstly let me just say thankyou for everything you all do. You provide a fantastic forum for thought and support. I am looking for some advice and support. I met a girl approximately 6 months ago, and we dated for a little (2 months). I thought she was fantastic and we had a great time together, but she was very closed off at times. She appeared to be very distant at times and our initial spark died down and wore out. It was at this time that she shocked me by saying "I feel like you are not into this, and are not committed". I needed space at the time for exams and to think about this relationship, as it seemed to be not quite working so well and I was extremely stressed . She ended up messaging me during this period to tell me that she knew where we were headed and we should cease seeing each other. That also shocked me, but I also felt somewhat relieved to have the pressure off. This was her first ever relationship. Over the coming month I began to reflect upon this encounter. We both really liked each other, and we shared so many common values- family, sense of humour, kindness etc. It appeared to have ended prematurely, so I contacted her. We discussed what had happened, agreed that we needed to open up more and agreed to begin seeing each other again. It was complicated by the fact that I have to move interstate the following year, but we agreed to take it as it came and see how it went. It took a couple of times, but it was absolutely wonderful. She opened up and began sharing herself more fully and I did the same. There were times when I felt however, that there may be something missing. However these were followed by wonderful times. Then, 4 weeks into this, she asked me "do you see a future with this". At the time, it was in the middle of the night, and I was exhausted, and answered "I am really enjoying hanging out and getting to know you, but I need more time to develop my feelings". She did not take this well, and we arranged to have a subsequent discussion. I assumed that she was asking me to commit and say it would work during an interstate relationship. I explained to her that this was not something i could tell her as it had been 4 weeks which wasn't enough time for me, but if it was a case of being exclusive I was happy. She reiterated that we'd known each other for 6 months, and my response didn't inspire confidence in her, and she needed more reassurance. As I sat there, I knew this was slipping away, but was reluctant to fight for it, as I'd already resurrected the relationship and was anxious not to lead her on or let her down. I am an anxious person, and was extremely anxious about mistreating her or being untrue to her or myself. She told me that this should end, and it did. I am absolutely gutted today, and perplexed. She asked me a question which I interpreted and attempted to give an honest answer to. What she said she wanted me to say was "let's be bf/gf, and see how this goes, no guarantees but we'll try". I would have been happy with that outcome, and so would she. But despite me expressing that, she maintained that my reaction gave her no reassurance, and she left. If I'm being true to myself, there were a few times I felt perhaps this was not the right thing for me, and perhaps I am just lonely, but she was beautiful, kind, lovely and perfect. Everything aligned, except the fact that she was anxious to gain commitment and felt insecure. This was reassurance that I could not provide, but am feeling baffled by how two people so good for each other could fail. When we weren't talking about "where are we" and "what are we" everything was perfect. But I felt forced, pressured and rushed to make a commitment that I feel as if I was going to get to by myself, and so I didn't fight for it. What we were wanting though, was essentially the same. But our communication and timing seemed to be on different pages. Is this (anxiety about commitment) really enough to ruin a somewhat-perfect relationship? I feel like I shouldn't contact her again as it has failed, do you agree? I feel absolutely devastated and low, but I also consider maybe she just wasn't the right person for me, or maybe the wrong time? Does my hesitancy to commit mean something? These are all questions I'm grappling with right now, and the sadness and sense of waste that goes with seeing a beautiful girl pass you by because you can't give her enough reassurance. The sense of waste that comes with thinking you both wanted the same thing, and wondering why it didn't work. Any help would be greatly appreciately, Sincerely, Vanush

Update on this messy situation. You were all so right. Recently she told me she loved me and invited me around for dinner. I tread very very carefully and told her I wouldn't tolerate her hurting me. After a short break, we chatted again, and She told me she hooked up with a man while away, 2 days after telling me she loved me. Not a nice person, and one who has damaged me severely. I don't understand what I did to deserve that. She told me sorry etc, but I told her we could never ever be friends. I think the right move for me, but the images in my head don't get any less vivid

Thankyou very much to the both of you, so much kindness from you both, and you don't know me. You're making the world a better place

Thankyou very much, Marty. Your consideration is greatly appreciated. I suspect there may be a personal crisis going on in her life. I also think my emotions over the last month have been part in her being a little rude at times, she was extremely confused, and I almost needed her to make a decision. I pushed her to make one, and it was to stay broken up. I feel calmer now that there is a decision, but regretful that I may have influenced this in any negative way. Even the way it stands now, we will discuss again in the future, and she wants to stay in contact, saying that she hopes we can work it out one day and that we need space. I am grasping to understand how she could love me as she says, but still have broken this up. As pathetic as it feels to admit, I want her back. But I know that that will not assist me in moving on in any way to think like that. Each day I pass date locations and locations key in our relationship, and it feels like the wounds are being reopened again...

Years ago, I met this girl. We shared an incredible romance. We lived close, it was all going to be so easy. We dated for 4 years. However, things changed this year. 2 friends of hers was less than pleasant to me. This continued to be an issue as they would constantly be around my gf, and be rude towards me, but in such a way that my gf had no awareness. I felt so awkward and on edge around them, and it affected the time we spent together. My gf could understand but wanted me just to get over it. I wanted her to and suggested she speak with these friends. My girlfriend did not, and I continued to feel uneasy and rejected around her friends. My girlfriend would constantly complain that I never hung out with her, and I knew this was the issue and communicated it regularly but she was not prepared to do anything. As the months rolled on, my girlfriend increasingly became busy hanging out with her friends, such that there was no time for us. She also was not a planner but spontaneous, whereas I am the former. I am working full time with night shifts and had to do most of the work and effort. If I called and suggested an activity she'd list things she had to do with her friends that weekend. So we didn't hang out as much. Gradually resentment crept in. As I approached a busy time at work I had very little time, so stopped putting effort in and asked her to. It no longer worked, and we saw each other less frequently. Despite my pleas I seemed to come below friends, partying, sport and music on her priorities. Arguments began to happen. Then my world broke in two. That night, I sensed she had been talking with her friends.The worst part about it, was that she cited the lack of hanging out with her, and the minor arguments over just 3 weeks. I said that it hadn't been discussed or worked through. She told me she needed space, and then broke up with me the next day. It happened near where we had our first date, and I was inconsolable. During the next 4 weeks I received phone calls from her, she told me she still loved me, told me her life was falling apart, is this normal grieving ? I suggested that we chat, to which she agreed. After some space she reiterated the issues, to which my main reply was "these are normal couple issues which I was unaware of and can be solved", but she was unprepared to. She told me she still loved me, she wanted this to be worked out one day but right now she needed space, and that I should move on. I understand that my ex gf is going through a crisis of sorts now. I held onto hope, she told me she still loved me etc, and didn't want to stop talking. I decided recently that we needed to stop talking as it was damaging me, but right now I am devastated. This is the woman who I thought I was going to marry. We worked so well until I felt as if she stopped putting in for us. I felt like they were her friends words coming out of her mouth that night. i am trying to make efforts to move on but we live so close together and both work in hospitality, and end up bumping into each other frequently. I feel betrayed, robbed and devastated. To want something so badly, then to have it and then taken away again rips you apart. Of course I would want her back, but I understand I have to move on for now. I don't understand her decision, and believe she may come to regret it soon. I am just so hollow and empty right now and have no idea what to do. I discussed with her recently re no contact and she told me she felt strained from the discussions and stressed, she was upset, at which point I said no contact for months. This has been a huge loss for me, and I'm completely empty. I want to do the best thing to both give us a best chance of working out in the future but also to move on. What do I do?