After three horrible months batlling cancer in ICU, it happened. Two years ago when i was in highschool my father passed away from his second fight at cancer (survived his first) but just recently i've been holding in bursting out into tears in like the most randomest of places, school, shopping, driving. its like some crazy delayed sadness.. in midst of the depressed lonely emptiness. i dont know. when it happened everything just fell apart all at once. my dad passed away from cancer a month later a good friend got hit by a truck while running for cross country, then two months after that my other friend died from cancer. I felt bad by not going to their funerals, but it was too hard/a reminder of what just had happened. Now .. its like a song on the radio, a movie or tv episode, something we shared will bring back sadness..but I want to try and make it happiness of a memory, not sadness that it can never happen again. I dont know like my dad's work cell phone, i used to call... hear him give the ol"Sorry i'm not here right now leave a message.. etc".. then i'd leave messages of how I was. kind of like i was talking to him. i dont know its wierd...i did this for awhile. then last month i called and they'd disconnected the line. it sucked, kind of a reminder/another glimpse at reality. I stillll feel he should walk through the door at work even though i know he's gone. I'm the kind of person who holds things in and I dont like talking about it much least of all with my mom or family (brother's okay..but hes young and doesnt really assess it either). my mom hates that i dont like talking and has even accused me of "not giving a damn" that hurt a lot too. because I love him more than anything. and miss him just as much. Everything, EVERYTHING in my life is affected, i've started college now but am reluctant to go on.. because i know he still wont be there. he missed my hs graduation, he'll miss my college, wont get to grill guys that i date, walk me down the aisle. I just dont know anymore. i thought i'd dealt with it. but i guess i haven't. I dont know if this is even all of how i feel, because inside its all a blur still.
