mathilde

Dear Quiksand, I so relate to both of your last posts and have experienced pretty much the same on a family level and with therapy. I am further along the line than you. Its almost a year for me after my mother passed. I want to share with you that what you are feeling is all completely normal I have now realised one year on. It feels like you are going mad sometimes. I'm an artist. I didn't work the whole of last year. I knew it was the only thing that would save me but I couldn't do it. I felt paralysed and alone. Reliving daily all that happened leading up to my mothers death. Then reliving what happened after with the family. I felt in such a place of darkness angry at pretty much everyone. Everyone just got on with their lives and because I live in a different country, even the people I'm very close to abandoned me. It was hell. Hell for a year. I knew I needed help. Eventually after 10 months I picked a name of a psychotherapist and went. At first I thought I just need to talk. I need to get it out because its all just stuck in my body. The therapist seemed ok-ish. 2nd time I hated him with all his "advice" when he didn't know me. 3rd time I thought I'm definetly quitting. This is like throwing money away. So far I've been 5 times. I don't know that I like him? I know there have been some insights that are helpful. I felt calmer after the last session. I'm continuing for now. Yours may not be the right person for you. Please try someone else. Try a group? I also wanted to tell you that secretly the past few months I have been dreaming of a project. Not discussing it, not telling anyone but thinking....then finally researching, then planting seeds... I'm telling you this because as an artist not working for a year is soul destroying and yet I had no energy, no confidence, no strength to rebuild. I couldn't do anything because I felt paralysed. Now I am taking steps to manifest the project. There have already been setbacks but I feel alive inside again for the first time in a year at the possibility. I tell you all this because I know the pain you are in. I felt no one cares. I'm completely alone. The closest people in my life vanished. My longest relationship of 30 yrs just ended our friendship when I told her she had not been there for me. Did not call me when my mother died. I know what it feels like to be so alone. To be honest I'm still alone. I'm sharing with you my story because it has taken me one year to take steps in rebuilding my life. Every day I still talk out loud to my mother and wish I could have a conversation with her and tell her what has gone on. I am still sad as hell and lonely. I'm still alone. I am rebuilding though. The seeds are in the earth and I'm watering them. You will come through this. It takes time. Thinking of you and very much have faith you will make it. It takes time.

Dear 1AG, I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel the same as you do and its been a year for me. I have a painful family situation regarding finances also so I know you feel. I'm estranged from them now. I just wait for my mothers estate to be finalised so I can be free of all of them. I'm painfully aware though there is no one now. I'm on my own now. I too was very close to my mother so I know it doesn't just wear off. Loss is there forever. I hope that at some point we learn how to adjust to who we are now.

Dear Crossmateo, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar with a very close friend 25 yrs ago. I still think of her. I still miss her. I was young at the time so I had never experienced going through anything like this. I wasn't mature. I made mistakes which I still regret. It was very hard facing loosing my friend in my 20's. If I could do things differently now, I would just show up every day so she knew I was there whether she refused to see me or not. At least she'd know I was there. I do agree with lovinglady04 about writing notes daily though. Say everything you want to say. I'm so sorry for you.

Dear Quiksand, You are just as stressed as you were because its only been a very short time. Also it doesn't just dissipate that quickly. It can take months. You went through a lot and at the end of it, you lost your mother. I find I still relive the year leading up to my mom dying. Everything that happened within the family regarding her care. My moms family treated me horribly and I still relive it as it went on for months. Even when My mother went into hospital, I was treated like I was nothing because I didn't do what they wanted. Its one year on now and its still hard when I look back at everything that happened leading up to my moms death. After, Packing up my mothers things in her house was very hard and very painful as I went back and forth to the charity shop with her belongings. Don't minimise how painful it is. I spoke to her a lot out loud while I was there. It was a source of comfort as well as being difficult. As time goes on, its true family and friends will not ask you how you are? How you are coping emotionally? I found it both hurtful and yet a relief to not have to lie or pretend that its easier now. It isn't. I know that grief evolves and changes but I don't think the sadness of loss goes away. Look after yourself.

Dear Firedaragon, I put off going to see someone for months and then I just picked a name from a list online. I've been 4 times now. I'm not sure if its the right therapy for me. I know I definetly need to talk about it because there is no one else to talk to. So I'm going to give it 6 sessions. If I don't feel like its the right person for me I'll stop or try something else. I think grief gets worse over time. I know that dull empty feeling. I constantly look for something to distract me and fill up the time. Honestly I never knew how long grief would last, what it would feel like and how it changes how you view everything. Yourself, your place in the world, people in your life etc... I am glad writing helps you.

Dear Quiksand, I have been wondering how you are and I'm glad to see you are back here. Coming from a difficult family background myself I can really relate to the pain of being told what to do. You are an adult. Make decisions when you are ready. Don't allow them to make you feel worse. You are doing the best you can. It has been a very short time since your mother passed. Its so painful to add all that on top of the shock and grief of losing your mother. You've been through enough. Take one day at a time. I lived liked that for months. The only thing I did was pack up my mothers belongings 2 months later. Fortunately I don't have to see my family. Unfortunately they control my mothers estate and have dragged it out to suit themselves which only adds to my pain. My mother gave them the power so they would protect and look after me, instead they go at their own pace which is doing nothing. Just try to look after your emotional health for now. If that means doing nothing for now, do that. if it means seeking a support group or a grief councillor, do that. Its all up to you. Its a very difficult time and I think the devastating and life changing loss you've suffered makes it hard to make decisions. Trust that when you are ready you will make decisions.

Dear Quiksand, I'm so sorry for your loss. We are all here because we are going through the same feelings. Some of us further along the hellish path of grief. I am almost one year into grief and some of the time I feel exactly like you do. Same exact emotions. I was also very close to my mother and even though I'm older than you, I feel lost without her. Its like I don't have a place in the world. I feel displaced. For 20 yrs I went back and forth to my mothers house while living in another country. Now I'm back in the country I chose but was not born in or grow up in, I don't know who I am anymore. My roots are gone. Its like my legs have been cut off and even though I can still get around its much harder. Everything is harder. One year on I am still talking to my mother daily. Telling her of the difficulties and asking her will I get through this mom? Who is going to help me now? I have no one. I'm lost in the world. I self medicate watching tv, endless films and series, thats my comfort drug. I don't talk about it to anyone because as the others have said, unless someone has experienced it, they have no idea. The line I hate the most is, "your mom would want you to be happy". Every time I hear that from a well meaning person I shut down in anger. None of us want the pain of grief. We can't switch it off and decide, lets be happy! So I say to you what you feel is normal. It feels like you are going mad I know. Losing a mother is life changing not just because of the mothers bond but our identity. I understand everything feels meaningless, believe me I know. Now one year on even though I'm still deeply depressed and don't know if I'll get through it, I've started to make plans. Not plans but steps to rebuild myself. It feels like rebuilding myself. Putting myself back together, slowly, one brick at a time. I had my first Christmas without my mother and completely alone. I thought it was going to be utter hell but in fact it wasn't worse than the 300 plus other days I've had. At least I didn't have to endure others. I could do absolutely nothing or anything. No one called me. I was a bit disappointed that those close to me didn't bother but at least I didn't have to pretend. Or worse still listen to "your mom would want you to be happy"! I am very sorry for your loss. Please know for the first 2 months its pure raw shock what you're dealing with. As time goes on a different grief with different colours and layers sets in until it changes to something else. I'm not at the something else yet. It does help writing how you feel down. Here or in a journal. At least here, we are all going through the same and we understand.

Dear Grieving girl, I am so sorry for your loss. I am beginning to realise that feeling of being alone, feeling alone and lost is what happens when we're grieving someone important. For me when I lost my mother, I felt not only heartbroken but I felt completely lost and alone. I actually don't have many people in my life and live in another country and mostly I'm estranged from family. My mother was all the goodness I had. When she was gone, I felt like my roots had gone. I didn't know where I belonged and there is no "home" anymore. I still feel exactly the same one year on. In fact its got harder as time has passed. I see by your post that even though you have your family you still feel alone and its very hard to live again. Reading that has made me realise we all have that same feeling in common. Whether we have people or we don't, its an inner loneliness, like all the safety has gone. for me its like living in the wilderness. As Enna said, I take it day by day too. I don't know what the future will bring. Sometimes I feel will I survive this? what feels like a tsunami that has changed my life forever. I don't know. I am changed. I get up every day though and try to do the best I can. I hope at some point I will have the strength to begin again. I'm sorry for your loss and sadness. Your words matter, your feelings matter.

Dear Kayc, Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and for your links, I appreciate it. I am sorry for your losses, your mother and your husband. Two very big losses. Its hard when people we expect to be there aren't. It can not only hurt but also feels insulting. Its very difficult to build meaningful friendships all over again as it takes years to build a friendship and know someone and for them to know you. Much harder when you're older. I appreciate the links. I will re read and reflect on the words. Thank you.

Dear Firedragon, I'm so sorry for your loss and very much relate to your situation. When I reached the 6 month mark I thought I had turned a little corner in the relentless never ending grief. That lasted a week! By 8 months I spiralled downward into a deep depression. No one knew, no one asked how you are at a certain point anyway, its more of a general how are you, like when you walk into a store! I haven't told anyone how bad things are. I am forgetful, distracted and binge watch tv series to take me away from my mind. Its a very dark hole and I have lost interest in everything. I am changed. I think I am changed forever and I am trying to determine if I can rebuild myself and adapt to being changed or try to get a bit of my old self back? I go back and forth. I too was extremely close to my mother. She had dementia. It was devastating to witness the loss of my relationship with her. Slow gradual loss was like a lesser death. She died of something else so at least she still knew me until the end. i'm grateful that she didn't have it for years and years and I'd have to watch loose her mind completely. She passed at the right time but it was unexpected and still devastating. So 11 months on its still very hard. 2 weeks ago I started therapy. I was diagnosed with depression and post traumatic stress. I feel like I had to take a step to getting help. it is hard talking about it all but I think its the only way. I'm worried about the cost but more worried what will happen to me if I don't do it. So I understand how you feel. Losing a mother is very very significant. She's been there your whole life. Its a different kind of love than any other. I keep a journal as writing your feelings down helps to process and also monitor your emotions. I am sorry for your loss.

p.s I meant to write like Marty I never thought...and then auto spell changed it! in case you were confused.

Dear Marty & Clematis, Thank you for your replies which I appreciate. Yes Clematis I think you're right it was a misunderstanding but given what I went through and that I am now alone I think she should have apologised in the email or at least said can we talk about it. She was so quick to drop me. I also felt the email was coached by someone else because the vocabulary isn't how she talks. it was not heartfelt, it was cold and uncaring. Because of that coldness and uncaring I can't forgive her. I too like Mathilde never ever thought something like this could happen to us. We have been there for each other for decades. But if I'm completely honest as her life has changed with grandchild extended family etc..she was a lot less available. We spoke every 2 weeks but i always initiated it. I do feel its over. I'm sad it happened given that I'm going through the most difficult time in my life and she's not there. Thank you for your replies.

Hello all, my mother died 11 months ago. It is harder now than it was after 4 months. Its real grief now after the shock and adjustment. I'm mostly estranged from my family. My sister and I don't speak and after a lifetime of enduring her bullying, I am glad to be free of her. My cousin I am very close to but since my mothers death she has never called me. We email once a month but she has never called. Its disappointing and hurtful. I have expressed how hard it still is and she replies but never a call. After my mother died, my best friend of 30 yrs sent a text saying, so sorry. That was it. No call. Few days later another text saying, how are you? How would I be after losing my mother I was so close to? I didn't reply. Few days later, another text, hope you're ok. I would have thought it was obvious that I wouldn't be ok? I didn't reply. After a week I got a curt and demanding text saying, I understand its a difficult time but your ignoring me and I'm oblivious to what I've done. Please enlighten me. I was stunned by the sarcasm. I lost my mom, pick up the phone and call me I felt like saying. I received a birthday card from her 2 weeks after my mom died saying only Happy Birthday. No condolences or anything. I couldn't believe it. So I decided to explain to her in an email how devastated I was as she knows how close I was to my mom. I said her 3 worded texts, I had no idea how to respond to. The birthday card was shocking and that she had an opportunity to say something other than happy birthday but she didn't. How would I be having a happy birthday 2 weeks after losing my mother? She seemed more annoyed that she was being ignored rather than concerned? Basically she demanded an explanation I told her off. 10 days later she replied in a very formal almost legal wording? that is not the way she speaks at all but she basically dumped me in a very sarcastic tone. I was stunned. 30 yrs of friendship gone just like that. Even if I told her off a bit, I lost my mom! She made no effort with her 3 worded texts. I wasn't ending our friendship she demanded an explanation so I told her and that was that. I never heard from her again. 2 losses. Whats wrong with people? One would think you'd know someone well after 30 yrs? I still can't believe it. I've basically got 2 other close friends that live in other countries. I speak to one once a week the other every 2 weeks and thats it. I'm alone the rest of the time.