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Rae1991

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About Rae1991

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    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Chicago

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  1. Rae1991

    Loss

    Thank You, Kayc! That means a lot. The way you speak of George seems like the definition of "relationship goals."
  2. Rae1991

    Loss

    Thank you, Vanush! Your words mean so much. When I first found the Grief group, I was trying to understand why Tim was acting as he was 3 years ago. In the time since, I didn't find a way to make him stay, I found reasons, support and a way to get over him and that I deserved better than what he was giving me. So now I just share my story and offer advice hoping that others who are in the position I once was understand that they aren't alone and that even though our stories are all different, they're all similar too. And most importantly: The end of a relationship is not the end-all of their identity or lives, something I struggled with understanding when Joe left me and again when I left Tim. I had panicked for years too that I wouldn't find someone after my ex-fiancee left me because he left me feeling like no one else could ever love me. I was barely 22 when that happened and I am 27 now. When Tim and I broke up I felt that same twinge of panic that maybe those thoughts that I wasn't lovable were right, and for a while, I believed them again. In the years since, a lot has changed and I don't feel that way anymore. For the last just about three years is the first time I haven't actively dated, been in an "almost" or an actual relationship since I was 15 years old. I had to learn to truly be alone for the first time in my entire life and I am okay with it now. Yeah, I may not find someone, but that doesn't mean I have to live a life of agony or one without love and purpose. In fact I feel the opposite, that if your only goal in life is to be married, then you are not ready to be married or part of a couple. You need to learn to be comfortable with yourself, sit by your own bedside and hold your own hand and build a life for yourself before you try to build one with another person. This was something I failed to do for years because I wholeheartedly believed that my life would finally have meaning and make sense when someone else loved me, and I was so wrong because I didn't even love, know or understand myself. I have experienced an "almost relationship" as well as watched countless friends experience the same and deal with the fall out. My couple of "almost's" lasted about 2-3 months each, and while it was fun, I knew deep down it wasn't right or going to last but at the time I was so desperate for companionship I didn't care. I dodged a bullet with both of them too, as I found out later that one had gotten drunk beat up a woman he dated after me and the other apparently had multiple kids he didn't take care of. I cringe but laugh at the thought of the things I did in my early 20's after my ex-fiancee left me. I was so unhealthy and damaged, but I learned a lot of hard lessons from all that stuff. My best friend was notorious for this because she so badly wanted a family, she tried making every guy she dated into a family man. After she left her ex-boyfriend and father of her son, it seemed like she'd find a guy and move him into her house within weeks and then 6 months later they'd break up. She did this for years and as much as I tried to convince her otherwise, she would never listen. But then again, I was guilty of this too, just not to the same degree. --Rae
  3. Rae1991

    Loss

    This is definitely true. Also, because we convince ourselves that the "grass is still greener or it will be green next time," even when we've already been on the other side and know it isn't. Common feelings after a break-up. What I've seen termed as "almost relationships" are harder to move on from because it never left the honeymoon phase and never came full circle. So, you get stuck thinking "if only XYZ thing had happened, maybe things would be different/would've worked out/this person was right for me" because you seemingly never had any "bad times," even if the red flags were glaring throughout the entire time you were together. Almost relationships really suck because you get stuck missing the person on their best behavior so you only have good things to say of them, and never really got to see who they truly were when hard times hit, you had a massive argument or other life happenings occur that test the strength of a relationship. The age old saying rings true here: We desire what we can't have. It seems like the less you have her, the more you want her. But when she is within reach, you know it isn't right and want out. That may be a factor of you being emotionally unavailable. My ex Tim was like that, especially after his father died. When we wouldn't see one another or chat much for a day or two, he was hot and couldn't get enough of me and wanted my attention. When we'd spend a weekend together, he'd act aloof and at times slightly out of reach. After his father's death and his ghosting me, he realized I had begun to move on because I went NC, he came back 3 months later begging to reconcile. When I didn't give in he pushed harder, when I finally started to give in, he fell back. It was a constant push and pull. It was exhausting. Don't let yourself fall into that trap. You will get through this and these feelings will pass with time. It seems you are just going through the normal stages of breaking-up. But remember, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. --Rae
  4. Rae1991

    Loss

    What I meant was, instead of just yelling at Sarah, saying "I don't know" etc, you actually sat her down and explained your POV, and you also explained it quite well in your OP. It made sense, it was logical and well thought. You're quite right that our emotions and feelings trick us into doing things our head knows are no good for us. We've all done it. I struggled with walking away/not contacting Tim too. But I always tried to remind myself and my friends did too, that even if we got back together it wouldn't make my gut feelings, mistrust of him or the pain go away, and it'd end again the same way it did both times.before and I'd be back at square one of healing all over again. It wasn't fair to do that to myself. Don't settle for less. Ever. Being EU after a relationship because of a heartbreak isn't a bad thing at all, it just means you need time to heal your wounds. However, when it starts affecting others then it's a problem. It seems like in your need to find love and companionship after, you found Sarah. Maybe the two of you weren't meant to last, but this was a lesson to make you realize that you still have some self work you need to do. --Rae
  5. Rae1991

    Loss

    I haven't seen any evidence that Joe or Tim have changed, or ever will. In my case, they both used "bad timing" as an excuse because they were just cowards. However my belief of it being a fallacy may have more to do with the generational gaps and how younger people date and "commit" to one another now versus 25 years ago, too. But, who knows. If I met Joe or Tim now, I wouldn't engage in a romantic relationship with them because they haven't cleaned up their own messes or learned to be accountable for themselves yet. Part of the reason why I think I dated them was because I was wounded in a lot of the same ways that they are, and was looking for comfort and things I didn't believe I could find or get on my own. I didn't know how to be a good partner and knew little of boundaries, and neither did they. But, it's all a part of learning as we go through life, I guess. But then again, it begs the question of: Why do we blame time for a person's inability to see what's in front of them or be ready for it? We're all at different stages in our lives and we change relatively consistently (or at least we should as we age), but we all exist within the same time. One person's "I'm not sure" is someone else's "heck yes!" What I thought I wanted when I was 20-24 and who I found to be a suitable mate, I laugh and cringe about now because my mindset about my needs/life/relationships has changed drastically. Right/Wrong Timing is subjective, sure, but time in itself is objective. Ain't that the truth! Weird how people are so different, yet so predictable.
  6. Rae1991

    Loss

    My ex-fiance Joe (the one who cheated) has tried reconnecting with me twice in the past few years and neither time was I having it. I too have learned to seek counseling to solve my baggage and learn to deal with my problems on my own, and I certainly do not want anyone with baggage who actively refuses to acknowledge or work on theirs, that's just toxic. I used to be drawn to it because drowning in someone else's problems kept me busy enough to ignore my own, and that's not a healthy way to live. I was basically sleepwalking through my life because I was so engrossed in what everyone else was doing, instead of what I needed to do for myself. I second what KayC has said in that you may want to seek a counselor to figure out why you feel this way and if it's more about your inability/fear to commit, or if you just weren't right for one another. You may also be emotionally unavailable, and that takes counseling to work on. Tim was/is, but refused to acknowledge it and refused to understand or confront why he was that way. You trusted your gut and thought about it from a logical stand point, but are now going through the emotions of a break-up (its normal to have these feelings). I felt very similar after I walked away from Tim, but I knew that even if I had tried to stay with him he would've just disrespected me further and I would never be able to escape the feeling of "he's gonna leave again, this doesn't feel right" and our relationship would've been doomed anyway. I think that right/wrong timing is a fallacy, personally. Wrong timing is a cop out, and a way for people to excuse treating others poorly. Right timing I feel is an excuse people use to explain away the reservations/fears/inability to confront their feelings/problems. ex: "Well, the timing just felt right so I married her." They use their feelings instead of logic to make drastic decisions, and many rely on their feelings to determine the outcome of any/every situation, and it isn't a good thing. Tim told me that if his dad hadn't died, we'd still be together. Joe once told me that if he'd met me a few years later, after he'd gotten 'it' (casual relationships/sex) "out of his system" that our relationship would be different, he wouldn't have cheated and he would've been able to marry me. I also used to believe that it was just bad timing, too. NEWSFLASH: IT WASN'T. Joe is 30 now and still a serial monogamist, always in/out of casual short relationships with girls who are 10 years younger, and just recently moved out of his parent's house. In your case Vanush, you actually thought through your responses with logic and tact, you also tried to explain them to her in a way that made sense to the both of you while also taking into account how you felt when around her, and when you broke up/got back together. That isn't a bad thing. --Rae
  7. I would recommend taking this advice by KayC and Marty. Clarify with your counselor about her words, because as KayC said NC is best and YOU are NOT responsible for him. Take care of you first, above all else. You cannot stop or save him from his destructive behavior, and no one, not even a counselor should suggest you try. As stated above, make a responsible friend/family member of his aware of his OD, but do not contact him yourself. Please, disabuse yourself of the notion that you have ANY obligation or responsibility to save him or tolerate his rejection and dangerous, toxic behavior. I am not sure if you are aware of or follow celebrities, I do not but this story in particular got to me: Ariana Grande was in this same situation with her boyfriend, rapper Mac Miller. He has/had substance abuse problems too and it destroyed their relationship. She finally left him after 2 years because he wrapped his car around a telephone pole while on drugs and fled from police. Ariana got dragged by the media and fans for not sticking by him and "seeing him through his worst." HER RESPONSE WAS PERFECT! Read below. --Rae
  8. EVERYTHING KAYC HAS STATED HERE! I've experienced loss too, but that did not give me a pass to treat my boyfriend or friends poorly, and I did. I lost my best friend to suicide 9 months after my grandfather died. I have buried pets, friends, family and lost my engagement/relationship of 7 years to infidelity. My dad's biological parents were both abusive alcoholics. My mother's father was too, and her mother was emotionally abusive. That did not give them a free pass to abuse their kids, and they weren't. Same goes for my exes situation, his father's death was not an excuse to treat me like I didn't matter and wasn't worthy of common decency. He also used it as an excuse to justify his behavior in that he told me if his father hadn't died, we'd still be together. What a load of crap. Once again, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DYSFUNCTION OF OTHERS. Please, go to therapy to find out why you are so hard on yourself. I say this as a person who was in the same boat as you are now with my ex Tim, and as a person who was once in your boyfriends head space (minus the substance abuse). When John killed himself, I was only 20 years old (I am 27 now) and for months I blamed myself because I had thought I was a bad friend, that I didn't hug him or tell him I loved him enough and in doing so, drove myself crazy. My fiance had to force me to get help or break up with me because I left him no other choice. He was not responsible for my behavior then, nor was he responsible for the outcome of my therapy sessions. I had years of unresolved problems stemming from abuse, low self esteem and a myriad of other issues that contributed to my behavior, NONE of which was anyone's fault but mine. Joe stuck around with me as I him when he was less than loveable, but it was not his job to tolerate my rejection, god awful behavior or shoulder my problems and he was in no way to be held responsible for how I behaved. We could not have continued with our relationship had I not gone to therapy and actually tried to get better.
  9. We were all stubborn because we all wanted to be the exception, we've all been in your shoes. He sounds like he is deeply confused and unsure of what to do, so he's using substances and his work to cope, but that only works for so long. Hopefully he does go to therapy as it seems he truly needs it. While we cannot control what happens around us, we are in control of how we react/respond. Grief is different however, in that we don't all respond the same way, but there are similarities in how we act, as can be seen by the stories on the forum. We are all flawed, but us being imperfect is not a reason to tolerate disrespect or abuse. While he may not even be fully aware he is acting as he is, he should be aware that it is taking a toll on you, and from what you have stated, it seems he is fully aware and is trying to push you away to protect himself. A person who loves you should not be running from you when they have problems, they should be looking to you for support as you do to them regardless of what the issue is-- thats what couples do, they fight battles together. While you can't fix them, his unwillingness to even talk to you about it shows that he isn't even looking to you for support, again not your fault, but this is a battle you will not win. All you can do is show/offer your support but do not force it on him; do not let yourself drown in his problems. He has chosen to go it alone, and they are his burden to bare. Trying to move in closer to him as he pulls off may have the opposite effect you intend, so tread lightly. Think of it like a rubber band, the more slack you create, the easier it is for him to run away. Don't show to him that you're sitting around balling, waiting and begging him to come back. Be supportive and take cues from his words and actions, meanwhile live your life and do whats best for you first. If he's not going to do the work he needs to do and has chosen to do on his own, then your waiting for him will do no good and you will get left in the dust. It's okay to wait around for him for a while and try to fight for your relationship, but that is your choice to make. Only you can determine how long you're willing to wait for him. But if hes not fighting along side you, you need to know when its time to walk away. As far as dating again goes, I wouldn't even consider it because all you're going to do is bring the unresolved feelings from this relationship into your dating life. You're going to bleed on people who didn't cut you, and that isn't fair to you or them. Moving on is a process, it doesn't happen overnight and no one on this message board will ever tell you to "just get over it and move on" because we are human, and that's not how we operate.
  10. Rae1991

    Loss

    Vanush, Take some time off from dating/searching for a relationship, even if its just 3-6 months. Continuing to date in the headspace that you're in will only lead you deeper into a state of sadness as it seems you're using dating to try and move on from her. When the feelings and sadness are still raw, it isn't a good idea. I tried dating again within a couple months of Tim and I's final break-up, and it was devastating for me. My friends meant well in trying to hook me up with guys or encouraging me to go on dates, but it only made me cry more, miss Tim more and dig deeper into my pit of sadness. I felt that same well of sadness get deeper every time these guys were not compatible (and none of them were). I haven't actively dated in nearly three years, and truthfully, I've accomplished more in that time than I ever did in a relationship. I've been asked out and chatted with guys only to find myself uninterested or immediately aware they were only looking for a hook-up, or we just didn't mesh well so I cut it off and moved along. I no longer need the validation of a relationship to feel good about myself because I began doing the necessary work I needed to do to be successful and fulfilled on my own, something I had never done before and was terrified to do for many years....until I was left with two choices: continue being miserable and unsatisfied in dating, life and at my job while repeating the same mistakes over and over OR learn to build the life I want, fill the void myself and do the work I need to do to be successful. The former is the easiest and most common path people choose for whatever reason, but the latter is the path you NEED. Now I am not saying you have to do what I did, but taking a hiatus will be good for you. It will give you perspective, clarity and you'll be better equipped to walk away from a situation that doesn't suit you or is toxic for you with your head held high. You'll also be better equipped to face and deal with the toxic or unhealthy qualities within yourself and recognize them in others. You'll have the foresight to see a bad situation and instead of getting involved, taking a step back and then walking away. The world already has enough drama in it, no need to create more or get involved in it. A lot of people tend to create drama or get involved with it to run away from their problems, I began to notice this in others and in myself when I stopped focusing so much on finding a date/boyfriend. You've got time, no need to rush. --Rae
  11. I second everything KayC has already said here. I went through a similar experience 3 years ago after being together 14 months, 20 in total before ending things to spare myself. This is a common response, and you are not to blame for his actions. I too blamed myself and thought that maybe I was just being too hard on him, when the reality was he was confused about what he wanted and refused to tell me he couldn't handle a relationship, was having a really tough time; but instead treated me as though I had done something wrong, despite my efforts to do what he asked, be supportive and show up. You did everything you could to be supportive, but he still chose to figure it out by himself... but neglected to tell you for months and still kept you hanging on. It takes two to maintain a relationship, and it isn't fair to you to shoulder all the responsibility because it failed. His choice to turn to drugs/drinking to cope, his emotional wavering and inconsistency are a sign of deeper issues; issues that he's choosing not to get help to resolve and it's negatively impacting the relationship. That is not your fault, you didn't drive him to behave this way. He communicated to you that he was fine, didn't want to speak of it and that he wanted to move forward; you didn't make him continue on as if everything was normal, he chose to do that himself. I am going to say something quite raw, but it is true: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DYSFUNCTION OF OTHERS. Believing that you are is going to eat away at your self-esteem, worth and soul. I understand that you love him, and situations like this are really difficult not to take personally, but you can't assume that much responsibility, especially when it comes to how others behave. He is in control of himself and made his own choices, the fact that he knew they would negatively affect you goes to show that he wasn't thinking of your best interests. He left you in such a lurch that it is hard not to be hard on yourself, but again, he CHOSE this. After so long, these actions become a deliberate choice. When my ex stopped responding to my texts/calls after his father died, I thought that he was just having a bad few days and needed space. Then a week went by, then a month. He was making an active, deliberate choice not to contact me...... but had said he didn't want to break up. That kind of gut-wrenching hurt and confusion is nothing but damaging. Do not lose yourself in his confusion and misery, even if the relationship continues, this kind of damage does lasting and sometimes irreparable harm. But as KayC said: You need to stop and ask yourself why you want to be with someone who runs away from you and/or turns to substance abuse when they have a problem. --Rae
  12. Rae1991

    Loss

    From my perspective, this happened with Tim and I too. Tim was perfect...on paper. Our chemistry was amazing, and so was our relationship....until his dad died and his true colors began to show. After that, even though I tried my hardest to be there for him, I started to get the same feelings of "this just doesn't feel right" after he started playing me hot n cold, emotionally distancing himself and then ghosting me and then eventually tried to reconcile 3 months later, only to have it be great for about 2 months and then he disappeared again. The entire 2 months I couldn't shake the feeling of it not feeling right and the fear that he'd do it again...and my gut was right, because he did do it again. What kept me hanging on was that I had fallen in love with the representative/idea of Tim and I missed that, not who Tim actually was. Again, on paper he was perfect, caring, loving and seemingly everything I could want in a partner and we had amazing chemistry....until the real Tim showed up. This was what kept me missing him for months after and made it easy for him to coerce me into working things out. I was missing the good times, the love and the memories while neglecting to remember what he had done was unforgivable and that going back to him would not fix the damage he had done or the gut feelings I began to get that something was off and not right. In your case, trust your gut. It is okay to miss her, and the relationship, but you need to remember that the feelings of things being off and boredom after only a few weeks will not go away when you get back with her. They will only intensify and grow worse with time if you stay together longer. You said in an earlier post that within 3 months, that "spark" and chemistry had began to fade rapidly and you weren't able to get it back regardless of how many times you broke up and got back together, it never lasted long. Even in this post, you said you didn't feel like she was the one. Yes, she's perfect on paper, but perfect on paper and a good partner for you IN REAL LIFE are not the same things. Its quite obvious communication was lacking and there were other issues that would not have gone away with time. You were attracted to one another, but again, attraction does not mean you are meant to be together, you are compatible or that your relationship will work. Attraction and compatibility are not the same thing. You can be attracted to someone, but not be compatible with them. It happens all the time. Be glad that in your case, this was discovered early and you did the right thing by cutting it off early instead of ignoring the signs and pushing forward with a relationship that was doomed from the start. You did what you felt was best for both of you, and in doing so, spared yourself and her years of damage, heartache, hurt and an eventual break-up. There are too many people that see these signs, ignore them and end up ruining and/or wasting years of their lives in dead-end, unhealthy relationships because they so badly wanted to be in love. But here's the thing: a relationship like that--one built out of desperation and loneliness, is not a loving one at all. Let this be a lesson to you, there's a silver lining in it. When you do meet someone you see/want a future with, you will be grateful you didn't lose that potential into this relationship. --Rae
  13. Hi Ciara, If you haven't already please read the other replies from myself and KayC as well as other stories in the forum. Understand that just because hers worked out, does not mean yours will be the same. Many of the people here have been in this situation and we all hoped we'd be the exception, but sometimes things just don't work out. We all came here looking for hope too. Now I am not trying to be disrespectful, just telling you the reality that could come to be your situation. Going NC is always what needs to be done in this situation, both for your sake and your significant others. Also remember, he broke up with you. He is not obligated to return to you, nor are you to him. If this behavior of his lasts more than a few weeks, understand it is a deliberate choice on his part and that only you can decide how long you're willing to wait idly by for him to come around. Don't do that to yourself for long, as it may have the opposite effect that you intend, and don't make him aware that you're waiting either, again, he broke up with you. If he does come back around in the future, Don't just run back to him either, you need to have a talk about his behavior and assess whether or not he's actually changed, grown or realized the error in his actions and is ready to be in a relationship; it is a mistake to engage in or pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't want to/isn't able to be a partner. His issues are not yours, do not get swallowed by his problems as it will only effect you negatively. You cannot save him or change how he feels, you can only take it at face value and as it stands, he has abandon you. I say this as a person who was in your shoes not once, but twice. If he's done it once, he will do it again. At this point in time, all you can do is accept it for what it is and do your best to begin the process of moving forward with your life. --Rae
  14. Everything KayC has stated here, I second. It is up to you to decide how long you're willing to be put on hold. It is unfair of him to expect you to wait around for him, and you can't be waiting idly for long, we aren't designed that way and as KayC said, it will only cause resentment.
  15. Brooke, you need to take cues from him. You can be there for him if he still wants you to, but you do need to still maintain yourself, your hobbies and your life. If he asks for space or time alone, give it to him. Don't be at his beck and call and don't let yourself get caught up and swallowed by his grief. Now, I am not saying this is a guarantee that your relationship will ever be normal again, or that its a fool proof way to get him to stick around if he doesn't want to. But, you need to understand that even though you had a relationship with his mother too and may be experiencing grief from that, it doesn't mean you can do anything for his grief. Do not try to fix or save him, all you can do is be there for him if he asks. We all experience grief differently as you can see by reading stories here. Some can maintain their relationships, while others cannot. If you feel he is pulling away, think of it like a rubber band, do not create slack by trying to move in closer to him as it may cause him to stray further. As I said, take cues from him and let him sort himself out while maintaining yourself and going about your life as normal. Be there for him when he asks, but DO NOT allow yourself to get swallowed in his feelings. Misery loves company, and so does confusion. If he comes back to you in time, you need to have the necessary conversation and address this behavior in order to move forward, if he does not come back, then it was a deliberate choice on his part. Do not give away your power. I know its hard because I have been on both sides of this coin and it is gut wrenching to sit there and watch the person you love act this way while you stand by helplessly. If he were falling into a hole and you reached out your hand to help, he still wouldn't take it. All you can do is stop yourself from falling into the hole with him. He has chosen to deal in his own way, and you need to respect that. He will eventually come to terms with it, but he needs to do that for himself and learn to live with this loss. He will do so on his own time, not yours. --Rae
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