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Rae1991

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About Rae1991

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    Chicago

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  1. Everything KayC has stated here, I second. It is up to you to decide how long you're willing to be put on hold. It is unfair of him to expect you to wait around for him, and you can't be waiting idly for long, we aren't designed that way and as KayC said, it will only cause resentment.
  2. Brooke, you need to take cues from him. You can be there for him if he still wants you to, but you do need to still maintain yourself, your hobbies and your life. If he asks for space or time alone, give it to him. Don't be at his beck and call and don't let yourself get caught up and swallowed by his grief. Now, I am not saying this is a guarantee that your relationship will ever be normal again, or that its a fool proof way to get him to stick around if he doesn't want to. But, you need to understand that even though you had a relationship with his mother too and may be experiencing grief from that, it doesn't mean you can do anything for his grief. Do not try to fix or save him, all you can do is be there for him if he asks. We all experience grief differently as you can see by reading stories here. Some can maintain their relationships, while others cannot. If you feel he is pulling away, think of it like a rubber band, do not create slack by trying to move in closer to him as it may cause him to stray further. As I said, take cues from him and let him sort himself out while maintaining yourself and going about your life as normal. Be there for him when he asks, but DO NOT allow yourself to get swallowed in his feelings. Misery loves company, and so does confusion. If he comes back to you in time, you need to have the necessary conversation and address this behavior in order to move forward, if he does not come back, then it was a deliberate choice on his part. Do not give away your power. I know its hard because I have been on both sides of this coin and it is gut wrenching to sit there and watch the person you love act this way while you stand by helplessly. If he were falling into a hole and you reached out your hand to help, he still wouldn't take it. All you can do is stop yourself from falling into the hole with him. He has chosen to deal in his own way, and you need to respect that. He will eventually come to terms with it, but he needs to do that for himself and learn to live with this loss. He will do so on his own time, not yours. --Rae
  3. So perfectly stated, KayC! It took me 3-4 months to fully understand this, how to see them for who they truly are and why we do it when Tim and I fell out for the final time. During this time was when I was told what I posted about in my last update. Even after Joe cheated on me and lied about it, for a few months after I was still willing to work things out and take him back if he'd have me. I am grateful I realized better and decided against it because he would've just disrespected me further. However, I didn't realize this until after I had tried to work things out with Tim.
  4. You need to let go of the idea that he has any obligation to you or your feelings. He also is not obligated to feel anything about the break-up, or express his feelings if he does. As I said before, he probably let go of your relationship/began to move on before he actually broke up with you. While it may hurt you that he left on holiday with friends when it was your due date, he was not forcing you to have feelings about it and honestly, probably wasn't bothered by it at all. As Marty said, no one can make you feel anything without your consent. What is significant, hurtful and/or meaningful to you, may not mean anything to him. You're still giving him power/control over you and your feelings, stop allowing him to do that. He doesn't deserve it. I am not saying you aren't allowed to feel as you do. Simply saying: stop expecting him to react or care about something just because you do, and then getting sad/upset when he doesn't react the way you want him to. You can't control how other people handle/express their feelings; you only have control over yourself and you're still giving away that control then getting upset when it doesn't go your way. However, it's great to see that you're finally realizing that he didn't have your best interests in mind. As far as his words go. I'm going to suggest something quite raw: They are just words. Words are empty air without action to back them up. You need to let go of the notion that his empty, pretty words and promises about the future meant something. They were just his "get out of jail free" cards in the latter part of your relationship to get out of taking responsibility for his actions and put his needs first. Unless he put a ring on your finger and/or followed through with actions, he didn't make any sort of commitment or vow to keep his words. And you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that he did. You need to ask yourself why you're so stuck on the idea that he owed/owes you something because of the words he said to you. I understand that you were clearly more invested than he was, but you are reverting back to his words as if they mean something now. He broke up with you, therefore anything he said while in the relationship is null and void. You need to work on moving forward, and replaying his pretty promises in your head will only get you stuck in a rut and believe that he owes you something. You will not be able to progress in moving forward this way. Maybe there were red flags and signs that he wanted out of the relationship long before he ended it, but you ignored them and he was too much a coward to admit there was a problem and end it. It happens all the time. It happened to me too. But, you need to stop replaying all those words he said to you, and understand that's all they were. Clearly, by the way he coerced and treated you, those words were a pacifier to settle things down for the time being and quell the arguments. He had no intention of following through, and you need to accept that. I say this because I noticed you're heavily referencing his past words/promises in your posts, as if those words are clues to his feelings or have any real merit like he owes you something because at one time he said "XYZ thing about the future." Again, you need to take his words and actions at face value. He broke up with you, therefore the pretty words he said before the break-up are moot, they mean nothing. I only say this because at some point, you need to acknowledge and accept the failures/problems/arguments by both you and him that led to the breakdown of the relationship and eventual break-up. I understand that he was callous, selfish, manipulative, controlling and awful to you regarding the termination, but you were the other half of the relationship before he coerced you. Stop focusing on his meaningless words and focus on yourself and moving forward. I've been where you are, and I was told something very similar as I am saying to you. I didn't want to hear it at the time because I was in the thick of my self-loathing and sadness, but I needed to hear it more than anything and now I understand why they said it. I was giving away the control over myself to a person who had let go of me, and I was intentionally making myself more upset because all I wanted was closure or an apology and was angry with him for his disregard of how I felt. When the truth was, he didn't owe me an apology and it was wrong of me to expect I'd ever get one because he made it glaringly clear that my feelings didn't matter to him. I wanted him to feel the way I felt and was convinced that he was supposed to feel something, but honestly, I don't think he felt anything. By acting as I was, I was doing myself a major disservice. The person who said this to me was right, and it took me a long time to realize what they meant by it. --Rae
  5. PippyL, this thread is 7 years old now. Her last update was I think in 2011. As far as I am aware, no she did not get back together with this guy. She posted on one of her last updates that things were over and done between them. I read her and Tom19s story and many others here like mine and yours, and none of us have reconciled with the people who brought us here. Might I suggest starting your own thread instead of reviving and taking over someone else's. You need to understand that each of these are unique, but also similar as you can see if you read through them. Just because one person got back together/through this with their partner does not mean someone else's outcome will be the same. We all thought we'd be the exception, and we all wanted to be, but none of us were. It's just how things turned out. I came here 3 years ago looking for hope too. While I didn't find hope we'd reconcile, I DID find ways to move on and get over him. KayC, Marty and the other contributors give fantastic advice because we've all been through this. However, there is some stellar advice in this thread from Ron B, KayC and Tom19. I suggest reading through it to get some perspective and heeding the advice given. --Rae
  6. Be glad you rid yourself of him. You said you are a nurse and/or in school to be one? Try focusing your time into your work and building relationships with your colleagues. I'm sure the hospital you work in or the school you go to has grief support groups, or has the resources to find you one. Yes, 3 months isn't too long and it's normal, considering the other experiences you're also dealing with. I think you are correct that your need for support is what's making your heart long for him and miss him. The first year post-death is always the hardest, I think. My counselor explained to me, and I now believe this to be true, that grief does not go away, it just changes. (This is an example not an expected timeline or outline): At first think of grief as an over packed suitcase you're struggling to carry/push through the airport, after a few more attempts you downgrade to a manageable suitcase, then you unpack more so you're down to a carry-on suitcase, then eventually just a backpack, then just a shoulder bag, then a small wallet, and then it becomes the size of a credit card you just carry around in your back pocket. It doesn't ever go away, and you will change with time, but so will the grief, and eventually it will just be something you always carry in your pocket. Some 7 years later for me, this still rings true. To answer your question of whether or not he will every truly be sorry, understanding or apologetic for the pain he caused you, there is no answer. We like to assume karma, regret or guilt will eventually get to the other person and they'll apologize or show remorse, but this is not always true. Some 2.5 years later, my ex still has not contacted me, apologized for how badly he treated me, or offered any sort of explanation for his callous behavior. Truthfully, I don't expect him to or believe he was ever or will ever be sorry for it. And even if he was and offered an explanation/apology, it wouldn't make a difference anymore because I've moved forward and frankly don't care to hear anything he'd want to say to me. As I feel it'd be more about making himself feel better than actual remorse. He turned himself into a ghost, and I expect ghosts to stay dead. My ex-fiance after 7 years together cheated on me, lied about it for months and then left me for the girl. Some 5 years later in 2017, he contacted me asking to meet up when I was in town, I agreed. We went out for dinner and he explained how deeply sorry he was for cheating, treating me like I was nothing and wondered if I'd be open to reconciling. He explained that the girl he cheated on me with left him after 3 years for someone else, and that's how he finally understood how deep, badly hurt and the damage he had done to me. By then it no longer mattered to me, as I had moved on and did not care to hear his apologies or sob stories. Not long before this I had moved and gotten a better job, so I had zero interest in going backwards in time. I felt as though he was apologizing to make himself feel better, and that's why I didn't want to hear any of it. We are friends on FB now, but that's all we'll ever be again. Your exes lack of empathy toward you shows that he probably moved on well before he broke up with you, but decided to be a coward and wait until the last minute to actually tell you. He did not rob you of anything but a future full of misery being in a relationship with such a crappy, selfish and flaky person. You are now free to build your life in any way you see fit, going back to him would only spoil that. He is only contacting you to try and poke at you to see if you'll react, and to boost his own ego/reaffirm his decision to break-up. Do not give him the satisfaction of a reply. If you have an iPhone, disable "read" receipts and just read then delete, or better yet, just block him. You are right in that he made a mockery of your situation by acting as though he is unaffected, but that just shows his lack of care/respect for you. He is a coward, plain and simple. It's not that he couldn't offer you support, he just didn't want to. And you don't need people like that who flake and run at the first sign of an issue. He also may not have been emotionally equipped himself to deal with it all either, and that's probably a huge reason he flaked. Because he felt too much pressure was being placed on him for support when he had no idea what to do and probably "didn't want to deal with it." It's a common reaction to traumatic experiences and/or death. It's like when your friends offer you empty words of reassurance like "I'll be here if you wanna talk/Sorry for your loss" just to fill the silence, but when you really need them, they disappear. Loss is an individual experience, but it doesn't have to be a lonely one. Even though it feels quite lonely. Unfortunately though, a lot of people don't know how to comfort others, especially when they haven't lost anyone close. So while they mean well in their words, chances are it's just words they're offering, so it's pretty counterproductive. Try and focus on rebuilding your self esteem, your career, finding friends and support while also working to move somewhere else in the future, like a flat by yourself or with some roommates. Don't make any sudden drastic changes, but DO work on fostering your own self-reliance, independence and creating a better life for yourself without him. --Rae
  7. https://youtu.be/P3fIZuW9P_M https://youtu.be/jmUayKnHWWM These two videos helped me gain some perspective when I was going through my last break-up 2.5 years ago. My last break-up was quite similar to yours (minus the pregnancy) and I felt abandoned, lost, unworthy of love and like I'd never find anything better. Things do get better, they just take time. You will heal, and you will let go. But it has to be an active decision on your part too, or you'll just keep replaying old memories and get stuck running in circles. Please consider seeing a counselor, while they may not have the answers you seek, they will help you cope and steer you to a path that could lead you to a better place. https://youtu.be/3TdYkNsnis8 This is a more recent video I've come across, but I feel like it could be of help for you to understand what I'm saying in regards to you hoping he'll come back because you still love him. --Rae
  8. I don't have experience with losing a parent, but I do have experience with losing a grandparent who was basically a father, and a best friend to suicide. The anniversaries of their deaths even 7 years later still bring back memories and some tears. Do what feels comfortable, cry, talk with relatives, do something that you know they'd love, visit their grave, etc. But do consider visiting a grief counselor if you are unable to manage or things start to feel as they did during the first few weeks post-death. As far as your ex goes, I am going to say this as kindly as I possibly can: YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONE LIKE THAT BACK. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU WILL FIND BETTER. I say this as a person who was in the same situation as you, was promised the world and was madly in love with a guy who never intended to deliver on his promises or keep his words. These are NOT the kind of people you want to be with. I understand you love him and are reminiscing, missing him and his support, but he still left you at your weakest after manipulating you into making a potentially life-altering decision against your will and even still promising he wouldn't walk out; but he still left. Why would you want to be with someone like that? If he did it once, he will do it again. You said yourself you felt he contacted you out of nothing more than to make himself feel better, not because he actually cares about you. It was simply his way of absolving himself of guilt or wrongdoing. This is absolutely correct. And, as hard as it is to hear: it is because he doesn't care for or respect you. Just based on your initial post, he probably let go of/moved on from your relationship long before he actually broke up with you. Both of my long-term exes did this to me too, and I refused to accept it. Until it became so obvious I couldn't deny it anymore and it was devastating. And that's the only reason I'm saying this: YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are selling yourself short thinking a guy who treats you with such blatant disrespect is the best you can get just because your relationship had some good times. Hint: all relationships have "good times" but that does not mean you should allow yourself to tolerate blatant disrespect and emotional abuse/manipulation for the sake of those "good times." That is not what love is. I understand you still have feelings and that you love him. But, WHO LOVES YOU? It clearly isn't him. You deserve someone who is going to love you on your worst and best days, not when "everything is good." Life happens, death happens, hardship happens, and if he isn't willing to stick by your side the way you would for him, he doesn't deserve you. Relationships are not 50/50 once in a while, they are 100/100 or nothing at all. Considering all the undeserved hardship, strife and stress he put on you because of his inability to be honest with you or take responsibility for his actions, this completely outweighs any "good times" you once had. Relish the memories, and be grateful you felt the love, but understand you need to do what's best for YOURSELF and walk away. I would strongly suggest going fully NC by blocking his number and social media, as you said all you get is hurt every time he contacts you, and you feel he is doing it as a "good deed" to make himself feel better. His breaking up with you released him and you of any further obligation to each other. And obviously, that was his intention and has been for some time considering his "you'll be a single mother if you don't do what I want" comments. That statement alone should've been enough to understand that he doesn't care for you the way he claimed and no longer wanted a future with you. This was him looking out for his own best interests, not yours or your relationship. He just seems like a selfish, flaky and inconsiderate person. He probably did mean what he said to you early in the relationship and he could still care about you, but people change like the weather and their feelings change too. You need to take his words at face value, you said in your OP that he said to you "I love you, but I am NOT in love with you," there is no deeper hidden meaning here, he does not want to continue the relationship, end of story. You cannot rely on his words while ignoring his actions and pattern of behavior. His actions and behavior also indicate that he no longer wants to be with you. You may still be reeling from the termination, arguments and break-up but they don't seem as though they are of any bother to him. I am sorry things ended this way for you and that your ex is being so insensitive. But, he did break up with you, therefore releasing himself of any further obligation to you and you to him. You need to accept this and continue in your process of healing and moving forward with your own life. The statement holds true that "you can tell more about the true character of a person by how they end a relationship rather than how they begin one." Walking away from someone is a process, you don't just "move on." You need to take some time, whether it be a few months or a year and deal with your feelings, confront yourself, and accept your role in the relationship that contributed to both the good, the bad and the break-up. Now, I am not saying that his poor treatment and callous disregard of your feelings is your fault, because it is not. What I am saying is that you need to do some thinking and soul searching about why you want a person like that to come back and why you'd still want to be with a person like that. You seem relatively young (I'm 27), a guy like that is not worth wasting your life on, especially if he's already broken your heart, disrespected and left you at your weakest to fend for yourself when he said he'd be there for you. You will have better times with other people, you will find better love and relationships elsewhere. Please, do not stay stuck running in a circle pining over someone who let go of you and made it clear they don't care about you, want you, or have your best interests in mind. You deserve someone who wants you, and this guy obviously doesn't. --Rae
  9. Rae1991

    Loss

    Thank you, KayC! I am a practical person as well, I don't like grandiose gestures/declarations of love (even as a teenager) and I made both of my exes aware of this. Joe was a romantic too, but it worked for us because we met each other in the middle and would show each other affection in ways that were comfortable and familiar to us both. Tim was similar to me in that he wasn't very outwardly romantic (maybe its just his emotional unavailability, but who knows). We still found and developed ways to show affection and gratitude for each other like cooking together, going to the gym, etc. I learned a lot after my engagement ended, losing loved ones, a few rounds of therapy, a couple casual "relationships" that were just convenient, my experiences with Tim and the fallout from that. And since then, have been able to look at my friends relationships and my past ones with more objectivity and clarity, something I wasn't able to do while in the muck of wading through break-ups, constant uncertainty, fear and sadness. I try not to make Joe and I's relationship the standard I go by, but there are elements of it that I haven't found anywhere else, and probably never will. We started out very similarly to what you and George had and we put in effort, but we were young, inexperienced and ultimately grew apart as we grew up. He showed me what love really looks like, even if it doesn't last forever. And, love certainly isn't all that fairytale nonsense from the Notebook, real love is better than that. While I know I won't be alone forever, I am not going to settle just to have company.
  10. Rae1991

    Loss

    Hi Vanush, Personally, it seems as though she prematurely expected you to commit to a relationship to ease her own insecurity. You cannot rush these things and force them to turn into something and that's what it seems she tried to do. As you said it put you under anxiety, pressure and undue stress which is not fair to you. Commitment takes time and that is something you build and move toward together. You both need to be on the same page about what you want/expect from the beginning. It seems like you were not. You mentioned this was her first relationship. While that's not a bad thing, as we've all had to start somewhere and everyone makes mistakes whether it's our first or 5th relationship. It seems like she doesn't know how to communicate her needs and doesn't know how to manage a relationship. She may also have those "relationship fantasy" goggles that a lot of girls/women get from Rom-Coms, but (hopefully) eventually realize that those "perfect relationships" are never going to happen IRL because they aren't real. She needs to be made aware of these things and encouraged to work on them. Your hesitancy to commit isn't a bad thing because as you said, you weren't sure you wanted to from the start and she put pressure on you when you expressed that your feelings take more time to develop, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, where it becomes a problem is when you intentionally lead people on, lie, make promises and say things you don't intend to follow through on. You said yourself you were honest with her to avoid her being mislead and that is better than lying to her. Her reluctance to see things from your POV and understand that you didn't mean any harm in your words says to me that she expected you to give into her wants without respecting yours. We all have flaws. Unless you're both willing to continuously work on yourself and your flaws (single or taken), these things will always cause issues in your relationships. It doesn't seem like she communicated this to you whatsoever, she just expected it from you and then was upset when you showed some apprehension to make such a sudden, potentially life changing decision in an instant, and I don't think that was right of her to do. "Right/wrong timing" is a fallacy, but it seems that communication was lacking from both ends. This is just my opinion, but I feel like you are both infatuated by the idea of commitment and a relationship, and that she expected you to give her that when she sent mixed signals with the distancing herself at random and didn't take the time to get your perspective about how you felt. Feelings, love and commitment do not happen overnight, they are active choices once you initially choose to invest into a relationship. My ex Tim and I dated in total for 20 months, our connection was instant and we both felt it, however, I did not expect him or myself to commit to a relationship within the first month of dating. Yes, we were in a relationship, but the choice to commit to each other was discussed before we moved anything further, it is something we both agreed to do because we both wanted it. He didn't tell me he loved me until about 6 months into our relationship because for some (including myself) that is not a word you use lightly and you don't say it to someone unless you truly mean it and, feelings aren't always instantaneous. Sometimes, two good people bring out the worst in each other, and it just doesn't work out. It happens all the time. Just because you were attracted to each other and had things in common does not make you "right" for one another. Relationships don't just happen, they require work. It seems as though you both just expected things to fall into place naturally, but didn't really communicate from the start. What if you had been in a relationship for a few years and were in love, then one day she says "You're not committed to this" and leaves? You'd still be left with the same questions you have now, but the difference is you'd be invested and committed to her which would make it that much harder to let go. Truthfully, you only dated for 8-12 weeks and within that short time frame you said the "spark" fizzled out, she was distant, there was no communication between you about where you wanted things to go and she put pressure on you to commit to something that she hadn't expressed she even wanted and that you weren't sure you even wanted. There was no real foundation for a relationship to be built upon. That's like building a house without a foundation or floor, yeah it might look nice from the outside, but how long is it going to last? I think what you're doing now is putting her and the "relationship that could've been...if only..." on a pedestal and its making you stay stuck on the good times you did have instead of realizing you need to cut your losses, process your feelings and in time let things be so you can move forward. I know that probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but from what you've said, that seems like the best course of action. However, I do agree with KayC that what you've written here is concise and well put. --Rae
  11. Hi SBM, Let me just start by saying, I am so sorry for all your hardship and such tremendous losses in a short period of time. To answer your questions: You are absolutely right to not want to speak to him! I don't mean to be of offense, but he sounds like an awful, insensitive and irresponsible person. You are absolutely allowed to be angry! I would be upset for you if you weren't angry. Telling you you'd be a single mother if you kept your baby?! WHO DOES THAT?! You dodged a bullet, seriously. At the very least, be glad he spared you the terrible fate of being with him any longer and trying to raise a family with someone so awful. His true colors would've shown eventually. It seems as though he was careless to your grief, the pain he caused you with forcing you to terminate and his overall behavior towards you in general. This is just my opinion as I have been in a similar situation with a past boyfriend (minus the pregnancy), but it seems like he didn't have any real regard for your feelings or you as a person, and was acting purely out of selfishness and meeting his own needs, while keeping you hanging on and around for his convenience, especially in the end. He put you in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation and that is not fair at all. While I understand his reasoning that he wanted to wait a few more years to have kids, in this specific situation, it was a cop out and an excuse to make you do what he wanted. As it seems as though he probably would've left anyway, unexpected pregnancy or not. He seems wishy-washy, confused and like he didn't value your relationship much and already had one foot out the door. As you said, you made a life altering and traumatic decision, and he still left anyway. You deserve better. The part about all of this that makes me angry: He made a baby with you and then acted like it was your fault/problem and that it was your responsibility to deal with by yourself if you didn't do as he said?! UGH. Again, I don't mean to be offensive, but he sounds like the worst type of person imaginable. I don't even have the words to describe how vile. I had a friend go through this situation and it was soul crushing for her. He tried to force her to abort, She ended up having the baby, only to have it's "father" say awful things about her, treat her like garbage, treat their child like garbage, and blame her for ruining his life because he was forced to pay support after refusing to ever be a part of the child's life. He may have said all those pretty words to you in the beginning, and maybe he did mean them at the time, but it sounds to me like he never really meant anything he said to you. And, I am so sorry he has done this to you. If he's telling you you're not enough for him, HE'S NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU AND NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. It's great that you're making progress and starting to let go of him, I would advise to not contact him at all as it could bring you back to square one. It is normal to be hurt, angry and outraged over his treatment of you. No one deserves to be treated with such callous disregard, EVER. His manipulating you into terminating, citing that "he can't be with you/you'd be a single mother" is nothing short of abuse. That is emotional abuse. Might I suggest seeking counselor or therapist if you are able, as it may help you to better sort out your feelings and gain some clarity. --Rae
  12. Trey, EXACTLY. So beautifully written. After a certain point, their behavior is a deliberate choice. I had to learn this the hard way with Tim too. Like you and Generic, and many others here, I wanted to be the exception, and believed that maybe with time, he'd see how "right" we were, even if the timing wasn't ideal. But I was foolish, in love and didn't want to admit I was wrong, and came out worse for it. However, I'm glad you've realized it and have begun to heal yourself. It hurts, and it sucks having to walk away from something you believed was real because it's so hard to find. Generic, I hope you at least read these replies and do your best to follow your gut and heed the advice. I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear, but we are all speaking from similar experiences. --Rae
  13. Hi Generic, I echo everything KayC has already said. Having been a griever myself, feeling isolated and lost in the world, and then a few years later the dumpee of griever (what brought me to the forum). It is important to understand that it is not you, it is him. In my experience, nothing I could've said or done for him would've changed his mind about us. I gave him space when he asked, checked in on him, did my best to be understanding and be there for him when he asked, but, in the end none of it mattered because he cast me aside like our relationship never existed. You cannot force him to bend to your wants/will, even if you're doing so out of love. There is no timeline for how long this could last, but I will say that you cannot expect your relationship to be the same after something like this, even if he does come back. This is his way of dealing with hardship, and it should be noted that this behavior (especially coupled with the drug use) could be a sign of more serious, deeper issues. And you are correct that it is not healthy for you. Please, do not wait around for him to come back and do not believe that sticking around for him during/after such neglect will be some sort of reward or prize that he "chose" you, or that he will even be grateful that you waited for him. He may come back to you, but you will always have that doubt that he may run off again, and that is not fair to you. You said that you are only 29 and have been together a few months. You deserve better than to be an afterthought behind drugs and unhealthy behavior. It is not valiant, noble or praise worthy to subject yourself to such cruelty at the hands of another under the guise of love. I understand wanting to love a person through their bad times and be there for them, but if they are not allowing you to be their rock during a rough time, then there is nothing you can do. You have to love yourself enough to know when to walk away and do what is best for yourself. You're not much older than me, you have your whole life ahead of you still, please do not waste it waiting around for someone who doesn't already appreciate you. I personally would not be accepting of a person who felt it is appropriate to use drugs/substances as a coping mechanism for their problems, as those issues are personal and have nothing to do with their relationships. I implore you to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who so willingly and easily throws you away when times get tough, and why you want to stay with someone who feels its appropriate to resort to drug use to help them cope. That is not healthy for either of you, and could begin a cycle of enabling and co-dependency. Just an observation from a girl who has been in a similar place, and who has had experience with addicts. --Rae
  14. Wow. I am so sorry, but at the very least, now you know the truth so there's no more guessing or wondering "what if?" As Kayc said, you dodged a bullet. People are so callous and cruel like its no big deal and it is awful. Hurt people hurt people. She was like this well before her father died, she just disguised it well. Tim did too. This was all on her, and has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person or significant other. She was just looking to fill a void, and I'm sorry you found yourself as the temporary fill. Tim acted very similar towards me in the end, and I wonder sometimes if that's all I ever was to him, so I completely understand the confusion in wondering why she felt the need to lie to you. But again, she made an active choice to lie when you made it clear that your intentions were genuine and that she had no reason to lie to you. Wash your hands of her and move forward. You don't need or want anyone like this in your life, friend, lover or otherwise. Don't move on or better yourself out of spite or revenge; move on because you deserve better and learn from the lessons that will come from this experience. --Rae
  15. Hi Rocky, I am sorry you find yourself in this painful place, as many of us here have. KayC already summed up everything I would've told you. My best friend committed suicide 7 years ago when I was 20, so I can relate to what he's going through when it comes to confusion, sadness and the inability to maintain yourself, as I did some very similar things as your boyfriend has. Though I didn't break up with my boyfriend I essentially abandoned him emotionally for a few months and I treated him poorly. He should have left me, but he didn't. It isn't right for people to act this way, but unfortunately some do. Some years later, my boyfriend of 14 months Tim, abruptly ghosted me after his father died in 2015 and that is what brought me to this forum. I understand that this is your first relationship, so of course it is going to be hard for you. However, I do feel that given the very brief period of time you were together that you are selling yourself short in believing that he's the best you'll ever find. Please do not pin your self-worth or respect into other people. Realize your worth and that he is losing out, not you. I mean no disrespect because I do know that feelings happen fast for some and that it doesn't invalidate how you feel at this time. But, please DO NOT wait for him, contact him or spend the next years of your life pining over him. If he wanted to contact you, he knows how. Also, do not allow yourself to fall into any mind games he may try to play in his confused state by "keeping in contact with you as friends" or any such nonsense. I completely agree with this. Let yourself feel, cry and scream if you need to. But at some point pick yourself up, say "enough of this" and be done with it. He does not get to occupy space in your mind and heart that he didn't earn; don't let someone who willingly let go of you keep your heart. At the time, I was devastated when Tim broke up with me, but now some 2.5 years later I can see that our relationship wouldn't have lasted because the issues that came forward when his father died would have shown themselves in some other way in the years to come and it would have made breaking up that much harder, especially once things became more serious and we spent more years together. You will get through this and you will move on. For now just take it day by day, focus on your studies, pick up new hobbies, join a student club, etc. It will help keep you going as you work through your feelings. --Rae
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