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Rae1991

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About Rae1991

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    Chicago

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  1. Hi Generic, I echo everything KayC has already said. Having been a griever myself, feeling isolated and lost in the world, and then a few years later the dumpee of griever (what brought me to the forum). It is important to understand that it is not you, it is him. In my experience, nothing I could've said or done for him would've changed his mind about us. I gave him space when he asked, checked in on him, did my best to be understanding and be there for him when he asked, but, in the end none of it mattered because he cast me aside like our relationship never existed. You cannot force him to bend to your wants/will, even if you're doing so out of love. There is no timeline for how long this could last, but I will say that you cannot expect your relationship to be the same after something like this, even if he does come back. This is his way of dealing with hardship, and it should be noted that this behavior (especially coupled with the drug use) could be a sign of more serious, deeper issues. And you are correct that it is not healthy for you. Please, do not wait around for him to come back and do not believe that sticking around for him during/after such neglect will be some sort of reward or prize that he "chose" you, or that he will even be grateful that you waited for him. He may come back to you, but you will always have that doubt that he may run off again, and that is not fair to you. You said that you are only 29 and have been together a few months. You deserve better than to be an afterthought behind drugs and unhealthy behavior. It is not valiant, noble or praise worthy to subject yourself to such cruelty at the hands of another under the guise of love. I understand wanting to love a person through their bad times and be there for them, but if they are not allowing you to be their rock during a rough time, then there is nothing you can do. You have to love yourself enough to know when to walk away and do what is best for yourself. You're not much older than me, you have your whole life ahead of you still, please do not waste it waiting around for someone who doesn't already appreciate you. I personally would not be accepting of a person who felt it is appropriate to use drugs/substances as a coping mechanism for their problems, as those issues are personal and have nothing to do with their relationships. I implore you to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who so willingly and easily throws you away when times get tough, and why you want to stay with someone who feels its appropriate to resort to drug use to help them cope. That is not healthy for either of you, and could begin a cycle of enabling and co-dependency. Just an observation from a girl who has been in a similar place, and who has had experience with addicts. --Rae
  2. Wow. I am so sorry, but at the very least, now you know the truth so there's no more guessing or wondering "what if?" As Kayc said, you dodged a bullet. People are so callous and cruel like its no big deal and it is awful. Hurt people hurt people. She was like this well before her father died, she just disguised it well. Tim did too. This was all on her, and has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person or significant other. She was just looking to fill a void, and I'm sorry you found yourself as the temporary fill. Tim acted very similar towards me in the end, and I wonder sometimes if that's all I ever was to him, so I completely understand the confusion in wondering why she felt the need to lie to you. But again, she made an active choice to lie when you made it clear that your intentions were genuine and that she had no reason to lie to you. Wash your hands of her and move forward. You don't need or want anyone like this in your life, friend, lover or otherwise. Don't move on or better yourself out of spite or revenge; move on because you deserve better and learn from the lessons that will come from this experience. --Rae
  3. Hi Rocky, I am sorry you find yourself in this painful place, as many of us here have. KayC already summed up everything I would've told you. My best friend committed suicide 7 years ago when I was 20, so I can relate to what he's going through when it comes to confusion, sadness and the inability to maintain yourself, as I did some very similar things as your boyfriend has. Though I didn't break up with my boyfriend I essentially abandoned him emotionally for a few months and I treated him poorly. He should have left me, but he didn't. It isn't right for people to act this way, but unfortunately some do. Some years later, my boyfriend of 14 months Tim, abruptly ghosted me after his father died in 2015 and that is what brought me to this forum. I understand that this is your first relationship, so of course it is going to be hard for you. However, I do feel that given the very brief period of time you were together that you are selling yourself short in believing that he's the best you'll ever find. Please do not pin your self-worth or respect into other people. Realize your worth and that he is losing out, not you. I mean no disrespect because I do know that feelings happen fast for some and that it doesn't invalidate how you feel at this time. But, please DO NOT wait for him, contact him or spend the next years of your life pining over him. If he wanted to contact you, he knows how. Also, do not allow yourself to fall into any mind games he may try to play in his confused state by "keeping in contact with you as friends" or any such nonsense. I completely agree with this. Let yourself feel, cry and scream if you need to. But at some point pick yourself up, say "enough of this" and be done with it. He does not get to occupy space in your mind and heart that he didn't earn; don't let someone who willingly let go of you keep your heart. At the time, I was devastated when Tim broke up with me, but now some 2.5 years later I can see that our relationship wouldn't have lasted because the issues that came forward when his father died would have shown themselves in some other way in the years to come and it would have made breaking up that much harder, especially once things became more serious and we spent more years together. You will get through this and you will move on. For now just take it day by day, focus on your studies, pick up new hobbies, join a student club, etc. It will help keep you going as you work through your feelings. --Rae
  4. Hey Trey, I know exactly how you feel, as I was in a similar spot when I graduated college in 2014, even though Tim and I were together, I couldn't shake the feelings of uncertainty, fear and the realization that I wasn't as happy as I had thought, I was just busy so I had no time to worry about my happiness. Though, Tim did help, it wasn't his job to make me happy and I had to figure out why I felt this way even still. After spending a semester in Scotland in 2013, graduating with honors, rebuilding my life after my engagement ended in 2012, and working through the grief of losing a friend to suicide and being months into a great relationship, all these years later, I still felt a void. I didn't go back to therapy until 2015, when Tim and I broke up for good. I, like you, remember being happy seldomly as a kid/teenager and young adult. I remember always feeling unwanted, isolated and like a social outcast because of my strict religious upbringing. But had mostly brushed it off or ignored it and stayed busy until I couldn't ignore it. While I got good grades, loved to read and was smart, nothing stopped the void from growing as I aged. Too many people ignore their mental health until it gets so bad they can't control it anymore, I was one of those people. Please seek therapy/counseling as it seems you do have some underlying things you need help to resolve. And that's okay, we all get overwhelmed and mentally exhausted, what's important is your ability to recognize it and seek help when you need it. That "void" you feel is never going to be filled until you work on and find healthy ways to fill it. I too felt resentful, especially towards Tim because of how he behaved that led to the demise of our relationship. But, I was also angry with myself for believing everything he had said that he never meant and wasn't going to follow through on. That's normal, but also healthy because that means you're working through all your feelings and towards moving on. I do agree that being away from school and things that remind you of her will help too. You will move on, but it takes time. Just don't forget to "check-in" with yourself every now and then between working, friends and other life obligations. And yes, traumatic experiences such as break-ups can trigger unresolved things/feelings from your past that you buried: deal with them head on instead of re-burying them every time they show themselves. That is true strength, and, running from them gets exhausting because you're not going to ever move forward by doing running on a metaphorical treadmill. Transitioning from school into the work force is scary, but maintain optimistic and confident in your abilities and merits during the job search. You will find something, and through networking, going to job fair events, you will make new friends, but it takes effort. That's one thing college doesn't prepare you for: making friends and maintaining them as an adult. But, do your best to find friends who encourage and support your life goals and career ambitions. Having that support helps. However, there are some things that you will need to do for yourself: like foster self-confidence and mental self-support. I call it "mental maintainence." Therapy and counseling can help you with this too. But healthy mental practices are essential when going into the work force, as your first job or two may not be ideal or your ultimate career goal, think of it as a building block to your future career. You will meet a lot of people who feel the same as you do now, especially being a recent college graduate. Don't let a bad relationship experience hinder the bright future you've set yourself up for. Write out your goals and post them somewhere as a physical reminder and motivation.
  5. Hi Ebony, I am sorry you find yourself in this position, but its great you have come here seeking advice. While this is an extremely hard place to be, I understand how his addiction has affected you and that you are now grieving. As Nettie said, you dodged a bullet. I will keep it simple and concise. No good comes from enabling, or being in a relationship with an addict that does not want to get clean or commit to staying sober. I understand that his friends death was alarming for him and a trigger to use, but that isn't fair to you. 5 People I went to high school with died of an overdose, and I have lost a friend to suicide, so I can understand how traumatic events can be triggers. You need to focus on getting your life and Independence back on track from this. No contact will enable you to heal. Spend some time with friends, family and please talk to a counselor regarding your struggles. It is quite different from a standard break-up when addiction/abuse are involved. My mother was married to an abusive alcoholic for 10 years, her second marriage. They divorced when I was 22. My mother was the daughter of an alcoholic who (like her own mother) thought she could force her husband to become and stay sober. This is never the case. Addiction is a monster and even my mother said, and I can attest to what you have said, "When they are sober, they are amazing, wonderful and loving people. But their addictions control them and they will end up controlling you too." My grandmother divorced her second husband, who was also an alcoholic for these reasons, though he was sober from 1983 until his death in 2010 from kidney failure and cancer. My grandmothers first husband died of alcohol poisoning after years of abuse. My mother divorced hers too, after 3 stints in rehab, a decade of abuse, massive financial loss and 2 drunken car accidents. Please seek counseling, and remember that you have indeed dodged a bullet, please, DO NOT willingly jump back in front of it by trying to gain contact or by dating other addicts in the future. --Rae
  6. I second this sentiment here. Always remember that HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. My ex did the exact same thing as yours now has and it isn't going to end well for you. He does not deserve to be in contact with you after what he has done. He has no right to bring you into his confusion, that's not fair. Misery loves company, and so does confusion. Please do not read too far into what he has said, as he may say something completely different the next time he contacts you, IF there is a next time. What he's doing seems like an attempt to absolve himself of guilt for what he's done (as KayC stated above) by trying to remain in contact and keep you on the hook just in case he does decide he feels like coming back. Please, do not let him do that to you, you deserve better. Boundaries are absolutely essential! Coming from a person who used to have very few of them, I can attest to this statement as 100% correct. My ex needed all sorts of work too, he had issues that ran far deeper than anything I could've ever imagined. I have not dated in the 2.5 years since we broke up, but its been the happiest 2.5 years I have experienced in over a decade. Full of self-work, self-reflection, travel, gaining new hobbies, etc. I feel this is absolutely essential too, you need to be single (everyone does) at least for a while, to figure out how to construct those boundaries and stick to them and to notice red flags in people and understand the role you played in how your relationships ended and work to improve things about yourself. Your self worth should never be dependent on your relationship status or the thoughts of the person you love, and if they truly cared for you, they wouldn't allow you to pin your self-worth into them. As Nettie said, all the things stated above lacked in my former relationships too (especially between Tim and I), I didn't see it then, but do now. “You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” ― Wanda from Bojack Horseman --Rae
  7. I echo everything KayC has so eloquently stated here. Never, Ever settle just to say you have a relationship or company. I have only ever been in love with two guys (Joe and Tim), but have casually dated a few others in years past that I was settling for because I was lonely and all my friends were in relationships. It wasn't a good thing to do and I am not proud to admit that I did that. They weren't necessarily bad guys, but they had their fair share of problems (substance abuse, behavioral issues etc) and the "relationships" were purely surface level and short lived. I was also not in the appropriate mental state to be dating any of them either, and who I dated reflected that. Tim and I breaking up was definitely a turning point for me in that I realized that part of my problem was that I was too focused on finding a partner instead of learning how to be a good partner, both for myself and for my future relationships and friendships. I had no real independence or self-reliance and hadn't for some years and emotionally I was needy and lacking. Tim and I's relationship was amazing, but we both obviously still had growing to do and I am not sure if staying together would've been the motivation either of us needed to change. I am unsure of his well being as we no longer talk, but I do hope he has learned better emotional health practices. Being single these past 2.5 years since Tim and I ended has been full of self-reflection, travel, introspection, picking up new hobbies and learning how to be happily single. I am not alone, I have a great circle of family and friends. I also tutor/mentor teenage kids at a local after-school/summer program. While I certainly miss some aspects of a relationship, and will not be single forever, I no longer NEED to be in a relationship just to feel whole. I already am whole and always have been. Trey, you will get through your hardship and move on from her eventually. You have a lot to offer someone and the right people will see it and gravitate to you, they will also encourage you to be your best self. If your friends are unable to relate, might I suggest a local support group or counselor; if you're a student, most colleges offer counseling or can point you in the direction of resources. And obviously, this forum has been a "life-saver" for many. --Rae
  8. You're right, we all have flaws. But to me, a person attempting to make someone else take responsibility for, behave badly or treat someone poorly because of it, is a flaw that makes it hard to look beyond, especially in relationships. I know its hard to get past the feelings of grief and sadness after losing someone, especially a romantic partner. There's no one way to go about it. But I do encourage you to remove her from your social media, its only bringing you back to square 1 and making you reminisce and obsess in a non-productive way. The first time Tim and I separated, I didn't remove him from my social media, even though I should have. It was just too painful at first, however, looking back I do feel that not removing him was my first mistake because it allowed him to keep an eye on me and helped him talk me into trying to work things out. The second time however, I removed all our photos, deleted his number and social media from mine because all that pain he had caused me the first time was now hurt and anger. If you truly want to begin healing and moving on, you're gonna need to remove reminders of her from your life and go 100% no contact. Not because you don't love her, but because you need to do what's best for yourself, and continuing to surround and obsess over her is not good for you. From what you've said about her (and I mean no disrespect), it sounds like she needs counseling. It seems as though she just buries her feelings, trauma and other things instead of dealing with them and that's not healthy either. As that seems to be a common thread amongst our stories on this forum, our significant others (and even ourselves) didn't deal with our past before trying to move forward and it effects everything in our path badly, and as a result our romantic relationships became a casualty. I was a victim of physical/emotional abuse for years as a teenager, I also felt alone, abandoned and unlovable and I just buried all my feelings of abandonment, hatred and trauma for years. I was almost kicked out of college my sophomore year because of it. These types of things, if not dealt with, can literally ruin lives. If she ever does come back to you, please consider whether or not she has done the necessary mental work to be able to sustain a healthy relationship, as it seems your relationship was not very healthy in the same ways Joe and I's was not. It seems more like co-dependency than love. She was sad and wanted comfort and you were there to provide that comfort as a means to "fix" her problem (even if you did these things unknowingly). It goes back to what I said about people dating a certain person based on where they are emotionally at that point in their lives. We're all guilty of it to some degree, I still see my friends doing it and even I've done it in the past. It doesn't mean you didn't love each other, it simply means your relationship wasn't healthy because the two individuals did not have healthy behavioral habits. And those things can be fixed with individual and couples therapy. You are absolutely correct that you need someone reliable and that isn't going to abandon you at a moment's notice because of a normal life happening. How a person deals with things like illness, debt, trauma, the death of a loved one etc says a lot more about who they truly are than when they are happy and everything is good. I do believe that people can change, the problem is, some people just don't change because they refuse to believe that there is a problem to begin with, or they are too afraid of change so they just scoff at the idea of things like counseling and therapy. I used to too, until I realized how much better therapy made me feel and how my life began to improve because my mental health did. Now I encourage people to seek it, because its okay to admit we're having a tough time and need someone neutral to talk to. You will find someone in the future who will want the same as you do, and love you the way you deserve. But there is no need to rush, as feelings do not just disappear overnight. Focus on becoming a better you and healing you, so you can attract the person you want and deserve in the future. --Rae
  9. Thank you! I just have to add to something Trey said... "Right Timing/Different Timing" is a myth. People change as time moves, and they are allowed to. And yes, sometimes that change isn't what we want and it isn't always good, but it happens. I used to feel the exact same way about Joe and Tim, that if we'd met each other at different times, later or earlier on in life, that maybe our relationships would've lasted or been different. But here's the thing: If they are truly right for you and are willing to fight for the relationship along side you, then you will both make it happen regardless of circumstances. But you need to understand, Love/Marriage DOES NOT conquer all. Relationships take work and if one or both people aren't willing to do the work both individually and as a couple, it will not last. Love does not fix bad behavior, abuse, illness, death, bad decision making, poor mental/emotional health etc. Timing does not fix those things either. People will fix those things when/if they want to, we cannot make them. People's character does not change unless they actively choose to make those changes and improve themselves. And truthfully, at the time, Joe and I and then Tim and I's relationships both worked as they were. But again, you change too and sometimes you just outgrow people and need to move on. People are also very inclined to date people because of where they are emotionally in their lives. For example, if I had no self-respect/esteem or was miserable and sad, I would purposely attract and then date/entertain friends and relationships that were similar or that used me for their personal benefit because I had no boundaries and allowed them to use me. But even KayC said that her her ex Jim told her that if his mother hadn't died, they would still be together. Tim told me that too. But truthfully we both now understand that our relationships were not going to last due to their flaws, red flags we both overlooked and other issues they both had. Being blind to flaws doesn't make them disappear, they will only rear their heads at a later time further into the relationship. Timing is a cop out and an excuse that I feel people use to absolve themselves of commitment, guilt, to spare their ego or another person's feelings from the truth and as a reason to treat people poorly. And that isn't fair. It is an excuse to (for lack of a better term) to be a coward, to lie and to get away with being untruthful. --Rae
  10. I know exactly how you feel. The 14 months Tim and I were together before his father's sudden death were seemingly perfect. We had so much in common and could talk for hours, we lifted weights together, made meals, had fun, supported one another's goals and expressed how lucky we were to have each other. But here's the thing: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. In the days/weeks/months following his dad's death he was the opposite of the person he had made me believe he was and it turned out that who I had fallen in love with was not who he truly was. He was cold, cruel, indifferent and treated me as if I was somehow responsible for his feelings. Maybe the red flags had always been there, and I was blind to them because of our chemistry and eventual love. But it doesn't change the fact that he wasn't who I fell in love with. I fell in love with the representative of Tim, not who he truly was. Truthfully, until his father's death, I had no idea about his past trauma, abuse or his fragmented short romantic relationships in which he'd ghosted all of his ex-girlfriends for no real reason at all. He was deeply emotionally unavailable and refused to communicate with me. It is cruel, it is unfair, it is heartbreaking, but you can't make someone love you or show up and be there for you, no matter how much you love them back. I fought with myself for weeks about walking away but felt guilty that I was "giving up" on him. Tim made me feel guilty for expecting him to treat me better. Some days I'd feel great, and then my mind would circle back and say, "wait, you're heartbroken, you don't deserve to feel better" and I'd start bawling my eyes out again. See, we build them up into an idea of what we want them to be because we know they have the potential to be it, but we want it so badly, we overlook character flaws and red flags because those flaws don't fit our ideal of who this person is and what our relationship could/would be, if only they'd reciprocate our love. But the thing is, we almost always end up "shooting ourselves in the foot" because we refuse to see the truth about who they are. And when things finally do end, it's devastating and we are wrought with regret, "what ifs," self pity and sorrow. It's hard and it hurts, but you have to know when to walk away. What Tim ended up doing to me leeched my soul of happiness, and left me with nothing but confusion and heartbreak. Misery loves company, and so does confusion. You walk away to spare yourself anymore hurt, and because it's the right thing to do for them. Walking away is in itself an act of love. Preserve the memories you have, but understand, you need to walk away. --Rae
  11. Hi Trey, I echo everything KayC has already said. It's in your best interest to remove her from your social media, at least for now. Don't think about "what could be/what if" this will only harm you in the long run and potentially damage your relationships in the future because it will make you believe you and her still have some sort of "unfinished business" that isn't real. "The one that got away" will do the same; When my ex-fiance Joe and I broke up after he was cheating, I used to believe this too. And in the year or so following, it damaged any potential connections I could've had because I was convinced I was missing out on a better relationship with Joe. It's not fair to you, and not fair to any date/relationship you could have later in life. You said you're young, I am too. Joe and I broke up when I was 21-22, I'll be 27 next month. My ex Tim, is what brought me to this forum because I felt so lost, upset and helpless over the situations that transpired resulting in our breaking up. Send a card or something if you want, but leave as that and move forward. You can't sit around pining over a person that has made it clear they don't want you back. Would you really want to be with someone who reacts this way every time something bad happens to them? They just throw you out and then let you come back at their next earliest convenience or need? It's unfair to you and shows glaring character flaws. You say "don't quit until you get your reward," there is no reward in allowing yourself to be set on fire and suffer for someone who wouldn't do the same for you. All that will happen is you're left in a pile of smoldering pieces whilst they are still whole and warm because you sacrificed yourself for them. In this regard, there is no valiant reward, no riding off into the sunset together. And, if you're not going to delete her, at least remove her updates. Trying to stay in the shadows surrounding her, reaching out and showing any interest may have the opposite effect you intend it to. As you're making it obvious you're waiting around for her to come back, and she may perceive that as disrespect and you attempting to force your wants/feelings unto her and she may drift further away. What you're setting yourself up to do could result in you missing out on potentially years of life, happiness and possibly even better relationships than what you had based on false hopes, dreams, "what ifs," pretty words and the assumption you're deserving of a reward for the self-induced suffering. Please, don't do that to yourself. Take it from a person who spent over a year of her life trying to get over a 7 year relationship because I actively chose not to let go of someone who had let go of me long ago because I was hard headedly convinced we were meant to be. Almost 5 years later (2017) he contacted me, tried to apologize, reconcile and tell me that he missed me and that he would like to work on getting back together. I thought about it, but came to the conclusion that if he hadn't left me, my life wouldn't have turned into what it is now, and that I wouldn't have been able to experience the love, friendships, goal achievements and relationships I was now grateful to have had. And that going back to him would only undermine any progress and accomplishments I had made after I rebuilt my entire life because of what he had done, and what I allowed him to do to me some 5 years earlier. I told him that I no longer see him as the love of my life, but that I wish him well and will always love him, but only as a friend and nothing more. Please, do not waste your time pining over someone who doesn't want you back. Let go, move forward, preserve the feelings you have for her and live your life. If they do come back later on, then you are of sound mind and have the freedom to make a choice in the matter that will be unburdened by the past. A year is long time, and a lot changes within it. Don't assume she'll wait around for you, either. Live your best life possible. --Rae
  12. Plain and simple: He was m/is lying to you to keep you around to soothe his ego and spare himself feelings of guilt for treating you so poorly. He said it himself as you stated, "he needs to be alone, but doesn't want us to be done." He doesn't want to be with you, but isn't sure of what he wants, and he probably likes this other girl, but isn't with her fully yet and is uncertain if he will be, so he's keeping you on the hook "just in case" that whole "being alone/single" thing isn't that great and he is unable to find a replacement. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Joe did this exact same thing to me. He was only casually dating this girl for a few months (while we were still in contact) and once things became "official" with them, he disappeared and said "it was just too hard to stay friends with someone he's still in love with so we can't talk anymore." For those few months he still told me he loved me, but he was just confused about life and 'needed time' to be sure I was right for him. It was a blatant lie, he wasn't still in love with me, he was just using me until he got with her. Please, Don't let that be you. I'm sorry if my words sound harsh or callous, but it's the truth. Our situations sound way too similar for it not to be. And you need to hear this. My dad told me blatantly and to my face when I was bawling uncontrollably after all this happened in 2012-13, I was barely 22 at the time: "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. HE'S JUST A DUMB CONFUSED BOY AND HE'S USING YOU. YOU DESERVE BETTER, AND YOU WILL FIND IT. BUT FOR NOW BE BETTER FOR YOURSELF. Don't waste time on revenge or nonsense, just cry your tears, heal and then move on. Don't waste your life pining over some idiot who treats you like you're a dime-a-dozen when you treat him like he's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Move on." --Rae
  13. Kphil, Wow. I am so sorry. How awful of him to do such a thing! You're right to not trust him. Grief or otherwise that just isn't fair to you. Cut all contact immediately and focus on healing yourself. That is nothing more than him being immature and playing games. Try your best not to over think things and let him go. I beg of you, DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. EVER. And, DO NOT allow him to keep playing games with you, because now that you believed his lies, he isn't going to stop lying to you. He may love you, but he clearly doesn't respect you. And love means nothing without trust and respect. That is a major red flag and an absolute violation of trust. That should be the last straw for you, and I hope that it is. It also goes back to what I mentioned about his breaking up with you releases you (and him) of any obligation to wait or continue a friendship. Clearly, he's well aware of what he's doing, grief or not. Grief is not an excuse to treat your loved ones like trash. It's blatantly clear he never had any intention of sticking around, he just didn't want to see you move on before he did and in his grief and confusion just played games to keep you from moving. I wouldn't trust anything he says going forward now that you're fully aware he actually conspired with your close friends to keep you in the dark about what he was doing. If you can, I'd suggest finding new friends and, I wouldn't trust your sorority sisters much either, especially considering it's one of them he's seeing. Be friendly and civil, but do not trust that they have your best interests at heart. But remember, you are broken up. Any words he said after should be taken with a grain of salt. Remove him from your life and do your best not to lash out at her or your mutual friends, after all, who knows what he's told them or her about why you broke up, or why he's doing this. You said he loves you, but I'm sorry, that isn't love. That's just blatant disrespect, game playing and lying. You deserve better than that. If you have counseling services on campus, I'd suggest talking with them to gain some clarity to help you move forward. I was almost a junior in college when I found out my fiance Joe was cheating on me, and had been for months. And it was devastating. He then did similar things to me as yours has to you after we broke up and I believed his lies until I found out he was actually dating this girl (a 10th grade student at the local high school) that he cheated on me with, but was also telling her we weren't still in contact, even though we had been the entire time. Please, DO NOT let him continue doing this to you. It is so painful, embarrassing and makes you feel awful about yourself. Do yourself a favor, cut all contact and move on. Don't be a pawn in his game anymore. Because that's all you are to him. And I'm sure he'll beg, plead, apologize and say he's sorry for hurting you: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. HE. IS. LYING. TO YOU. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I say, take that metaphorical cake and eat it your damn self. What a jerk. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You will move on eventually, graduate from college and in a few short years, look back on this with relief that you didn't stay with him any longer. --Rae
  14. Barnabas, YES YES YES! Everything you have said here, along with the other posters is absolutely true. I have only been "in love" with two men I've dated, Tim and Joe, and both of those relationships ending were devastating for me, but I have learned more about myself, needs and how to stand on my own two feet and resolve my issues on my own as a result of such deep seated heartbreak and sadness. You are absolutely correct in that whatever we don't resolve, we carry over into other aspects of our lives until we do resolve them; and that circumstances such as these truly do reveal who people are, both the good and the bad parts. --Rae
  15. Hi JCath, I am sorry you find yourself here too. I echo everything that KayC, Marty and Nettie have already said. Both of these statements perfectly sum up everything I would have told you because I've gained these insights from my personal experience with grief and the loss of romantic relationship as a result of it. I too was once the confused, lost griever (though we didn't break up. I just treated him very poorly and we almost broke up) and then 3 years later, the dumpee of a grieving person. I have learned some profound lessons from my hardships, but that doesn't make wading through them less difficult when they do occur. Take heed of the advice given here, and please do not hesitate to share your feelings. --Rae
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