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Rae1991

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About Rae1991

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    NA
  • Date of Death
    2010,2011
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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    Female
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    Chicago

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  1. I think it is partial curiosity because he's lost contact with you, guilt and he wants to maintain contact just in case his current situation doesn't work out. That's what Tim did, he missed having access to me, and me being around, he did not miss us or our relationship, and most importantly he did not miss ME. Sure he may still have lingering feelings or curiosity about you, but he's with someone else and has already told you he doesn't want you once, don't give him the option to tell you he doesn't want you a second time. https://youtu.be/9fnOknEFrLU -- Watch this video, this explains what I mean in a more clear way. I would say that because its only been a few months and you don't feel that you can reply and NOT get sucked back into the hope and despair, DO NOT reply to him. If he wants to know about whats going on in your life, he'd make the effort to actually be with you and right his wrongs. And he isn't, so I wouldn't bother, do not give him the satisfaction of a reply, as he may take it as you're still waiting around for him, even if you are not. It is quite clear that this man is confused and playing games, even if he's unintentionally doing so. He went back to he ex-wife and is now concerned with what's going on in your life?! After he left you for someone else?! As you've said in previous posts, he's done this before with the woman he has now left you for, and now he's just repeating the cycle with you. Don't let him. Stand firm in that he does not deserve to know what's going on in your life now that he has willingly left it and went back to yet another ex. He doesn't deserve your time. Grief or not, he does not get to do to you what is happening to him. Misery loves company, but so does confusion. Don't reopen a door you've already closed. For now, deadbolt that door. He can come and look inside the window if he wants, but that doesn't mean you have to unlock the door and subject yourself to further harm. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. --Rae
  2. Hi Velvet, I am sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. These situations are never easy to deal with, especially when you did nothing wrong, and this death and the grief that follows has blindsided both of you in different ways. My ex, Tim acted the same way as yours has. Immediately following the death of his father, he stopped contacting me. We had been together over a year by then. He didn't even tell me his father died, his brother did. A week went by before I heard from him, we talked in person, and he said he didn't want to break up, he just needed some time and that he loved me, it wasn't about me, thanked me for understanding and he'd contact me in a few days. A few days turned into 3 months. A month went by, I concluded our relationship was over and began to move forward. Two months later he contacts me begging to reconcile, and because I still loved him and was deeply confused myself, I agreed even though my gut told me not to. We lasted another 3 months before he ghosted me again and I had no choice but to walk away, even more confused and heartbroken than the first time. I would advise you don't make the same mistake I did if it comes to be that way in your situation. Do not feel bad for doing what is best for yourself, he already is by breaking up with you because he feels it is whats best for him. Stick to the NC, you are already farther ahead of where I was in my situation. When they behave like this, at first it may just be because they are confused, but after so long, it becomes a deliberate conscious choice, and that was something I had to learn the hard way with Tim. He is taking you for granted, you are absolutely right about that. Do not stay and wait for him, it will only hurt you in the long run. He broke up with you, and by doing so he made it clear that he doesn't want your support or love, and that he doesn't expect you to wait around for him to get right again. He may have told you he loves you, and he probably still does, but his actions indicate that he doesn't want to be with you anymore, even though he said his breaking up with you had nothing to do with you or your relationship. Grief makes people do strange things, this situation is unfortunately, not unique. He is being selfish by breaking up with you, DO NOT feel as though you did something wrong by being selfish and protecting yourself from his confusion and uncertainty. Misery might love company, but so does confusion. It is perfectly acceptable to not want to see him suffer and have the impulse to comfort him, you love him, its only natural when you love someone. But the fact of the matter is, he has chosen to walk this journey alone, and despite your freely offering love and support, he doesn't want it. There is nothing you could've done or said to make him feel differently. Don't blame yourself. Do what is best for yourself. Moving on will take time. You will feel a whole range of emotions for a while, and that's okay. Stick to the NC, remove him from your social media feeds, replace his name in your phone as something like "He takes me for granted" if you can't delete his number just yet. Remove anything he gave you or pictures of you two out of your immediate sight and grasp. Join a gym, group, club etc, go back to your life and hobbies. Spend more time with friends and family, take a class, learn a new skill. You had a life and were a whole person before the two of you got together, start doing things that bring you joy and remind you that you can be happy and are whole without him around. This right here is all you need to know. There is no point in continuing to contact him or hold out hope that he will come back. You need to take what he said at face value. It's okay to feel hurt by what he said, losing someone you love hurts. Your feelings are just as valid as his. Do what is best for yourself. But just be aware that you did nothing wrong here, you reacted to him the only way you knew how, with love and support, and he didn't want it. That's not your fault, do not blame yourself for his feelings or behavior. --Rae
  3. As you said, he's right. You need to work on that. As it goes with the saying, "if they do it once, they'll do it again." Same applies to you. Until you deal with your anger, figure out why you behave like this and work on yourself, you are prone to behaving this way in the future. See here's the thing I think you're missing in our message: His grief has nothing to do with you and you couldn't have done anything differently to prevent his reaction. However, your actions such as getting physical and demanding/begging he stay could very well have led him to his decision. Physical violence of any kind is and should be an absolute deal breaker for everyone. Begging/demanding when he pulls away is going to make people run. Think of that like a rubber band, the more slack you allow (the tighter you squeeze and draw yourself closer to him forcibly), the more opportunity he has to pull the rubber band farther from you in another direction (run away and either cut it loose or snap back into your direction). If you both add resistance (go back to your life and let him be him), at some point one of these things will happen: either you will come back together as the resistance on the band will eventually snap you into one another, or one/both of you will sever the band and end the relationship for good. Bad analogy but you get it. Sidenote: You cannot make a person stay who does not want to stay. If he wants to leave, let him. And if you want to leave, leave. As it stands, he has effectively broken up with you. If he chooses to make amends in the future, that is a choice you will both have to make, but i'd advise against just running back to him and acting like nothing is wrong. This should have been the first clue that maybe you aren't right for one another, as I am sure there were others. It sounds like both of you have some things you need to work on and that in a way, your relationship was based out of desperation, neediness and insecurity that each of you may not even be aware you had. You can still love one another deeply and not be right for one another. My ex Tim and I loved one another to pieces and had a future together, but we were fundamentally incompatible, and many of these things I didn't see or want to see until he left me after his father died and I had no choice but to admit that I ignored the red flags. Love makes you do that. Begging/demanding is degrading, it shows desperation and that you don't respect yourself. Never beg someone to be with you. Same goes for him too. It will take time to move forward, it doesn't happen overnight. --Rae
  4. Hi Kyla, I am sorry you find yourself here, but you are not alone. First off, I am going to address this part here: Physical altercations are NEVER the answer. I understand that you are/were upset, but I do think that therapy may be the best route to understand why in such anger you acted out physically. I am not judging you, simply saying you need to talk to someone about this. I understand how your ex feels. My best friend of ten years killed himself in 2011, 9 months prior to that my grandfather had died, and it was devastating for me, as I wasn't even 21 yet and had a bag full of emotional problems. My boyfriend of over 5 years, Joe, was kind and caring as much as he possibly could be. I layed in bed all day, dropped out of school for the semester and almost quit my job. I became very depressed and sunk into a hole that made everything in my life far less important, including my relationship. Joe and I were living together at the time so he tried his best to maintain and understand that I just needed time, but it was devastating for him too because he felt like I was abandoning him, and in a way, he was right. After about 4 months of outbursts, misplaced anger, sleeping all day and just general malaise, Joe told me that if I don't seek therapy we're breaking off the engagement. It wasn't healthy for either of us and it was damaging to our relationship, and he was right to do that. At first I was angry and thought he just didn't understand what I was going through, but after a few therapy sessions, my feelings started to settle out and I got better the more I opened up in therapy. There is no "one size fits all" piece of advice for these situations, everyone's emotions are different and everyone will get through this their own way and on their own time. You can't rush it. Stop making his feelings of grief about yourself, they don't have anything to do with you. Your feelings are valid, but so are his and you need to respect his decision and feelings. Does it suck? Of course it does, no one ever wants to be made to feel this way, but it happens. As hard as it is to do, don't take it personally. He already told you that he needs time to sort himself out and get it together, you can't put a time limit on it. So as it stands, you need to let it be and go back to your own life. Even if he does "get it together," he may not come back to your relationship, as grief changes people and they re-evaluate their lives and feelings as time goes on. Grief does not go away, but it changes over time. I understand that you felt like he was neglecting and abandoning you, because Joe felt that way too. However, you already answered your own question when you said you may have pushed him to his emotional limit. Your outbursts of emotion, while completely valid, pushed him away and had the opposite effect you intended. He is right, it sounds like you do need a break as he was neglecting your relationship, and in his distance you grew inpatient and tried to force his hand to do what you wanted. Your continued calling/texting/contact will only push him away further and he will continue to resent you for it, he has broken up with you, stop contacting him and go back to focusing on your life. I know it's hard, as I have been on both sides of the spectrum, once the griever who almost ruined her relationship, and then the dumpee of a grieving person. You have to learn to accept that he may not come back, and yes it is hard and sad. You will go through a whole range of emotions as you work your way back to neutral and learn to be without him again. But I do hope you find the lessons in this experience and learn from them. Don't wait around on him either, as they don't expect us to, and you shouldn't anyways because it isn't fair to you. Talk to a therapist, and feel free to continue sharing on this forum. We are not going to sugarcoat things, just give honest answers from experience. --Rae
  5. I second everything Kayc has said here. I don't think I can add anything. My now ex Tim and I had been together about 2 years before his father suddenly died. Like Kayc said, my breakup was like pulling off a bandaid slowly at first, then he ripped it off later. He initially said he didn't want to break up, then ghosted me for 3 months. He said it had nothing to do with me, but he behaved like it did and misplaced his anger at me. In my lifetime I have experienced two massive losses within 12 months, and because I was quite young and had emotional issues, I behaved irrationally and treated my boyfriend at the time terribly, so I understand how she may be feeling and the things she has told you are quite similar as many who are grieving feel or behave, so its not uncommon. I am 27 now and I haven't dated in over 3 years, but I am not opposed to it, just haven't found anyone worth investing the time in. I too consider my story a successful one, Tim and I did not reconnect and I prefer that. As I came to discover that we would've broken up anyways because I moved to another State for work less than 6 months after I made the choice to walk away from him, and I know he would not have moved with me. I will reiterate what Kayc has said: It's not you, it's them. You could be their "unicorn," but still not make it through their grief with an intact relationship. Tim told me he loved me, that he enjoyed being with me and that he saw a future with me, literally until the day he ghosted me the second time. As Kayc has said, focus on yourself for now. Not only will it be good for you, but it will relieve some pressure off of her too. IF she does break up with you, you'll be better prepared to continue focusing on yourself as you work through your own grief, but even if she doesn't break it off, you're still grieving parts of your relationship that were lost to her grief, and you need an outlet for that too. It is hard on everyone, not just the griever. I second this, especially. How people handle rough situations in life tells you a lot about who they are. Part of me understood why Tim behaved and treated me the way he did, because I once behaved in a similar way too. He didn't know himself, was uncomfortable with his feelings, hadn't confronted his childhood trauma/problems and was emotionally stunted/unavailable. However, it didn't make it okay. You will get through this no matter the outcome. --Rae
  6. Hey Ralph, You sound like you're aware of how you are feeling and your next course of action regarding how to go forward. As Kayc said, grief is complicated. It does odd things to people. My ex ghosted me twice after his dad died suddenly 3.5 years ago, we had been dating almost 2 years by then. I was your age at the time, I am 27 now. At first he said he didn't want to break up, then went silent on me for 3 months before trying to reconcile. It was confusing, heartbreaking and hurtful. You are going about this appropriately, with being on a "break," now is the time to focus on yourself and try to move forward with your life regardless of her presence (not move on, just forward). It is really hard at first, but will settle with time and you will gain clarity as time goes on. Read the post by Vandal, he is/was in the same head space as you as far as being aware of his feelings and what he needs to do after his ex broke up with him. --Rae
  7. In regards to dealing with your mother and sister, you need to learn to set boundaries within your relationships with them. You cannot allow yourself to continue tolerating their disrespect and picking at your self-esteem for the sake of them being family and your unresolved fears of abandonment that stem from their abuse of you. That's not healthy or fair to you, and you should seriously consider talking to a therapist because its obvious these are deep seated issues from your childhood that you need to work on if you ever want to get better. I know how it feels, my sister used to pick on me relentlessly growing up (we think its purely jealousy). She would steal my clothes, my belongings, would use my photos to catfish men on the internet, "sell" me to her "friends" in exchange for things, and even tried to date one of my ex boyfriends. In my teens and early 20s I didn't understand why she acted this way and because shes my sister and I wanted her approval, I gave her things, but all she ever did was take from me and then flip out when I said no. She'd borrow money and when I said no, she'd attempt to steal it. She constantly spent all her money on alcohol, was chronically unemployed and to this day is a willfully un-medicated bipolar who we think is also a sociopath. After a particularly crappy fight one afternoon and her trying to take my debit card, I just blocked her number after sending my parents the screenshots of what she said so they could finally understand that she has been gas-lighting, stealing from and torturing her siblings for years. To this day, my dad still refuses to believe she acts this way. Back then my dad was the one who always said "well she's your sister, at least try getting along." And for years I listened to that, even though he'd flat out deny her behavior. I don't anymore and now our relationship is on my terms. I didn't realize this needed to stop until one day it occurred to me that I was being gaslit by my own dad regarding how she behaved. I cut contact with her for 3 years. I just went dark on her because I was tired of her nonsense and it was making my life miserable. DO NOT ever allow yourself to tolerate disrespect and cruelty from someone just because you are related. That does not give them the right to mistreat you. You wouldn't let your children, spouse, friends or boss treat you that way, your family doesn't get a pass either. Toxic people aren't just lovers, sometimes they're parents, siblings and children too. You've referenced your sister and mothers cruelty towards you multiple times in this thread, and its obvious it has had seriously negative effects on your life and mental health. Now I am not saying never contact them again. What I am saying is: Stop seeking their approval, every time you tolerate their cruelty and react to what they do in a positive way, it reinforces their belief that they're allowed to treat you that way and that what they say about you is true. It isn't true. I understand that they're the only family you have left and that you don't want to lose that relationship, totally get it, been there. But what you do need to do is learn to stop reacting to what they say to you and believing it. Don't respond to their nasty texts, and when they call you and start berating you, hang up the phone. When you're around them and they start berating you, leave. Tell them you won't tolerate it anymore and establish boundaries. They keep crossing these boundaries because you've allowed them to get comfortable disrespecting you. Go to therapy, talk to your friends, but do seek help and dig into why you feel this way. As I said before, these issues are monsters to deal with because these relationships are ones you've had since the day you were born, and its hard and stigmatized to disconnect from toxic family members, and its easier to just tolerate it than deal with it. But over time, ignoring these things will just erode you and your mental health into nothing and you will become a void of self-hatred. These days, now that we don't live in the same city it's gotten easier. She isn't allowed in my apartment, we are not connected on any social media and most of our contact is mediated to our get together's at our mothers house with her child in tow. We text from time to time, but if she starts in on her nonsense, I just say "okay, do you" and mute the conversation then delete the messages. It takes time and work to get to the point I am at, but it's healthier for me and that's all I care about. I can love her from afar, but not want her in my house (mental space), because the last time I gave her a key, she (metaphorically) attempted to burn it down. I cannot make her seek therapy, take medication or treat her family with respect, but I can control our interaction, and I do. You can too. -- Rae
  8. Everyone has these fears. That they'll always get passed over for others and end up alone. I mean, look at Charlize Theron, she made a statement some time ago about how she's been single for 10 years and that she's tired of being called "intimidating" and that guys need to grow a pair and start asking women like her out. She's right. But it doesn't make dating any easier for her. Tracy's TEDx talk is the one I think most applies to you, she had to learn to sit by her own bed side and hold her own hand. She had to learn to choose and love herself, but she's aware that loving yourself is not synonymous with being alone forever, and that's not what she's encouraging anyone to do. She's telling us to heal our own wounds and love ourselves the way we want others to love us, and the way we want to love them. Having self-esteem and love for one's self is not synonymous with being alone. You can be an individual person, and also be part of a couple. I'd argue that being your own person and choosing to be open to love after hurt and welcoming another person to share life with you is the only way to have a successful relationship. And no, a 'successful' relationship doesn't always mean marriage, children and 30 years together. A successful relationship is two happy people loving one another for who they are, not one person giving up who they are for the other. If it lasts, wonderful, if not, be glad you got to experience that love, learn from it, and move forward. We don't own people, and we can't change people. We simply get to share experiences and life with them. Look at Terry and Steve Irwin, they loved one another to pieces and we're inseparable, but now that Steve has died, people questioned her as to why she hasn't dated since. She said "because I already had my love story. Even though it was cut short far too soon, I'm happy that we got to share a lifetime of experiences, our children and do what we both loved, and I plan to continue it. I know Steve would encourage me to love again, and I him, but I am loved, and I am happy with the way that things are now. I wish he could still be here, but my life didn't stop when his did, it's just different now." Terri could date, she just doesn't need to because she feels her life is what she wants it to be, even without Steve. If she does date again, good for her, if not, oh well. If you continue to operate from the belief you will forever be second to others and "forever alone," you will only continue to entertain men who treat you as such and then abandon you because it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and in a way it already has. Instead of relying on others to give you permission to put you first and waiting for them to put you first, do it yourself. That way, if a man comes into your life and makes you a second thought, you won't hesitate to walk away. On the flip side, when you meet a man who not only encourages you to love yourself, but also loves you, himself and makes you a priority in his life, you won't be compelled to search for his approval by making your life about him. You're looking for relationships to heal your wounds, save you and validate your existence because you're terrified of being alone. It's not healthy, and it's something we've all done, and many still do because we're sold the belief that romantic love, relationships and external validation is a cure-all. It isn't. But it is a hard mindset to unlearn. I won't be alone forever, and neither will you. But for now, don't focus on that. Focus on moving forward, not moving on, just forward. Tiny wins are still wins. One step at a time.
  9. I grew up in this same situation. For some reason, my father has favored our older sister our entire lives, we don't know why. Now it's just straight enabling, shes 32, a dropout and has a child, still lives with our dad and never has a job longer than a few months. He gives her money, buys her cars (shes crashed 4 of them already) and never, ever makes her face any consequences for how she behaves. The rest of us are well-adjusted and normal people with jobs and lives, but their relationship is just purely enabling one another's bad habits. She goes through boyfriends and jobs the way my dad goes through cars, a different one every few months or year, and they've done this for years. Then my dad gets married and she competes with this woman for attention and affection from my dad, it is utterly nonsensical and ridiculous. My own mother now recognizes that my dad clearly favors her over the rest of us, and has for decades, and we've never been able to figure out why. He loves her unconditionally (literally), but with the rest of us, we've always felt we had to earn his love. It makes you angry, sad, confused and it breaks your heart all at the same time, and it is a monster to deal with because you don't understand why your parents, the people who you are conditioned to trust, don't want you. That's why I spent a year and half in therapy and how I began recognizing that a lot of my emotional issues, anger, confusion, low self-esteem etc came from growing up with inconsistent and emotionally unavailable parents. My brothers refuse therapy and they need it badly, they're still both angry at my parents. I have settled my anger because it got so, SO tiring constantly being angry, sad and running after guys who behaved like my dad did. It became a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies. I would date guys like Joe and Tim, then wonder why they rejected me, behaved terribly or left me for someone else because I wasn't good enough for them. It's not that I wasn't good enough for them, simply that we were fundamentally incompatible and they have their own unresolved issues and we were drawn to the wounds in one another because it was familiar and comfortable. I stopped being attracted to men like Joe and Tim when I decided that instead of just being angry all the time and repeating the same mistakes over and over, I am going to heal my own wounds. It's not that you're not good enough, its that they are drawn to you because you possess things they lack: self-esteem, confidence, happiness, money, freedom etc. And, they're using you as a place-filler to get the things they lack until what they want can be found elsewhere. They need relationships to thrive and make themselves feel worthy and normal. I behaved this way for a while because I was unhappy with my life and convinced a relationship was the one thing that would fix how I felt. My sister behaves this way, many of my friends behave this way and it's tiring constantly consoling them and giving them advice they don't listen to, and my dad STILL behaves this way. While Joe may not have used me as a place-filler for our entire relationship, for the last year he did, until he was sure he had another person to go to. Tim may have loved me, but he used me to get things he lacked: comfort, confidence, love, a feeling of worthiness after being rejected by the women he most desired etc. In your case, your ex may have cared for you, but it was under the pretense of him not leaving you as long as she wasn't available to him, and you remained unavailable to a degree because of your pending divorce. The second what he was lacking was available to him again, he ran back to it. When you go through your life with a sense of lack, you're always going to feel like you're not enough and that others may not be enough to fulfill you because you will always be unfilled and lacking until you learn to fill that space yourself. You will never be enough for an unfulfilled person because they expect you to heal their wounds and fill their voids, and that's not your job. Funny enough, back in 2016 right before I was leaving town for my new job and about 6 months after Tim and I ended, Joe and I went to dinner. Joe apologized to me for how he treated me, and told me that he still had feelings for me (I highly doubt he'd have said this if his girlfriend hadn't left him), and that he couldn't marry me back then because he "had to get 'it' out of his system" but that he was open to trying again. I said No. But that we can be friends on Facebook and chat occasionally, and that's all it is now. He's not a bad person, and he was my best friend for 9 years, but I don't see him that way anymore. Stick to your boundaries. You're worth more than being a man's back-up plan or second choice. Be glad he showed you who he was before you made life-altering decisions later on down the line for the sake of what he wants. ALWAYS CHOOSE YOURSELF. One of the hardest things in life we will ever have to do, is a grieve a person who is still alive. https://youtu.be/P3fIZuW9P_M https://youtu.be/jmUayKnHWWM Watch these TED Talks, they explain in a more condensed way than I can.
  10. My thoughts too, Vandal. I haven't spoken to Tim in 3 years, and I am glad. I wouldn't have had anything to say to him after the first few months went by, and by now I am grateful we broke up. When he ghosted me the first time and came back, I already wasn't sure what to say, after the second time and that very same day, the last time we talked he told me he loved me, yeah, nothing left to say. Done. EXACTLY! Tim needed this escape too. I don't doubt that he loved me either, but it became obvious he had emotional problems later on. He wanted to feel normal too, and being in relationships gave him that. I think it lied in his abusive parents and his weird relationship with them, insecurity from being picked on growing up, and being rejected by his first girlfriend and multiple women after that. He had problems with trust, emotional maturity and women in general because of his abusive mother. And it manifested in all his romantic relationships. This is Tim, only in a female form. You see, Chlor, none of this is unique, a lot of people behave the same way that all our exes did. They thrust their unresolved problems unto others, or ignore them, then when they are forced to face them, retreat, act out or go deeper down their spiral of ignoring their problems, pushing loved ones away and everything around them gets worse because we are now left to deal with the fallout from the wounds they inflicted onto us. Hurt people, hurt people. One of the truest statements I have ever heard. It isn't us, it was them all along.
  11. I was blindsided as well, by both Joe and Tim. Joe and I had been together 7 years and were engaged and planning a wedding with no date set, too. Were there red flags I shouldn't have ignored or been able to see? Of course. But he railroaded me with the cheating, lying and seemingly overnight revelation that he wasn't in love with me anymore, had felt differently for months and "loved me, but liked her.." I was also blinded by love, and only being 21 at the time I hadn't ever been in a relationship prior so I didn't know what to look for. I am just thankful we didn't actually get married or have children because it became glaringly obvious we were not right for each other anymore. I was a sophomore in college with hopes, dreams and career aspirations, and he is an unmotivated, arrogant and lazy person who does little more than bare minimum, who didn't even want me going to school after we planned to have kids. He is still the same now as he was then, and I am so thankful things ended because my life would have been over. His bare minimum love and standards were not good enough for me as an adult. It'd have been like marrying an adult child. I like to believe I did make Tim happy, because he told me I did, but who knows. We were together 14 months before his dad died and he told me the exact same thing that KayC was told, that if his dad hadn't died, we'd still be together. I don't think that's true, because he had a pattern of this behavior in previous relationships. If I hadn't made the choice to walk away, he'd have done the same eventually. But I am glad things didn't work out with Tim either because leaving the town we both lived in for a job was the best thing I could've done for myself, and I know we would've broken up then anyways because he would not have moved with me. Looking back I realized that he may have been jealous of my career, travel and goal plans because he would talk down to me when I mentioned them or scoff as though they were unrealistic, he also tried to 'one up' me with his stories and his job, as though it was a competition. Like Joe, he was in real life unmotivated to do anything but be a workaholic at a job he was given for free by a family member. He wouldn't travel anywhere with me that was more than a couple hours by car away, but didn't want me going anywhere alone. Ugh. I didn't realize at the time these were definite signs of incompatibility (and his being deeply insecure and emotionally unavailable) because we seemed compatible on many other levels, but those were mostly just hobbies and common interests. Surface level compatibility, really. People change like the weather, and there's nothing we can do about that because we're only human. People aren't going to tell you they're just using you, or be honest about their real intentions or tell you that they're going to leave you when their parent dies or blame you when they get laid off, these are not things we can predict, and we can't blame ourselves for taking a chance at love. After all, you can't find love or a job, or anything if you don't take chances. The only thing we can do is be diligent about our standards and looking for cautionary things (orange flags), red flags that are deal breakers and be firm that we will not tolerate them. But even then, they may still fool us. Tim fooled me, he was well-behaved, mannered, looked great on paper and our relationship progressed naturally, but it still ended like it did and orange/red flags came up that I didn't see or ignored. But I am only human, we're allowed to make mistakes. You can't say you've lived and never taken a chance at something, staying comfortable in your routine, simply surviving and never going beyond your comfort zone is a surefire way to end up with a lifetime of misery and regret on your deathbed. I don't want to live like that and call it a 'life.' Maybe they did love us and we made them happy for a time, but these instances made them rethink their lives and relationships, it happens to everyone at some point in their lives and it isn't unique to grief or a certain person. --Rae
  12. What Kayc says here, is absolutely correct. Both times, with Tim and Joe, I expected them and felt they had an obligation to treat me with civility, respect, honesty and give me the closure I deserved, neither offered it. Joe and I were engaged, living together and made plans for our future. The last year of our relationship was nothing but lies, deceit and arguments. While I was stubborn at times and didn't always do healthy things, I didn't cheat on him. He lied to me and was running after girls (he was 23, they were 18 or younger) at his job, and used his working hours as an excuse to date them. He lied for months, showed little affection, but still told me he loved me, planned our wedding with me and talked about normal couple things. Until one day he just decided he was leaving me for his 16 year old coworker. He gave all sorts of excuses, told me that he hasn't felt the same, he's too young to get married, if I had been a better girlfriend he wouldn't be leaving me, blah blah blah... Had he just been honest with me when his feelings changed and broken up with me a year prior, maybe things would've gone better for both of us. He didn't give me any closure, he just said, "I love you, but I like her...." and left. Years later he said he regrets what he did (because this girl did to him exactly what he did to me), and that he wanted to make it up to me and start over, that he still loved me, and that if he'd met me as an adult now, he wouldn't have cheated and been able to commit, etc. I was having none of it and no longer cared about his half-ass apology or regrets, he can live with those regrets, I have none. By then Tim and I had just ended and I was still in love with Tim, and didn't care to hear Joe's plea to have back what he willingly threw away for a quick, cheap thrill. But he was right, we were too young and I'm glad it didn't last because I was already outgrowing him, and would've divorced or left him by then anyway. In both scenarios neither person offered me any explanation for their behavior. And I'm better off for it. It made me realize that their inability to show respect or take responsibility for what they do is not my fault. And, that they had no obligation to me, and I certainly don't to them. I treated them with respect because it's just who I am, who they are is nothing I can change. My only job was to love them, and I did.
  13. As far as your divorce goes, as Kayc said, if the marriage is over and you want out, leave it. But do not get a divorce thinking that this man will come back or that a divorce is the answer to making him act right. A divorce does not change a man. Get a divorce for YOURSELF. Because it's what's best for YOU. My mother stayed with my dad thinking she could help him, fix him and because she loved him, had kids and built a life with him. For 16 years, she tried, but it wasn't good enough and she was left miserable, unsatisfied, "married but single" and wondering if she'd failed as a wife because the life she imagined for them never happened. I'm glad my parents are divorced now. They're better off. That misery was palpable and noticeable. My mom has the degrees and life she couldn't get in her 20s and 30s, and my dad is still stuck in his ways yearning for the past. *shrugs* My mom said: At first, you wonder how you'll survive without, and that's why you stay. But eventually things get so bad you just say "f**k it, I'll figure it out, I can't deal with this anymore." And you survive, you find a way, and it's not as scary as you thought.
  14. I would start by if not fully removing him from your social media, at least removing his posts from your feed. Change his name in your phone to something like "Went back to ex" or something like that as a reminder of how he behaved, delete the number or block it all together. It's hard to do at first, but it's necessary. As far as him "talking to you," if he contacts you and YOU feel like talking, let him talk, but do not let him excuse his behavior with "I was just confused, and I didn't know what to do, I still wanna stay friends/in contact/get back together" etc. That's how he keeps you on the hook, and excuses himself from blame for what he's done. You already are aware that based on how he's lied about his ex being around, he's not gonna stay in contact with you only to be friends. It's okay to still love him, have feelings for him, and miss your relationship. But what's important is to not let those feelings or his empty words of endearment draw you back and keep you on the hook. I made that mistake, and no good came of it. Until he shows that he's done the necessary work on himself to deal with his problems (which may be never), he doesn't deserve you. "Want to do XYZ" don't mean sh*t, until he actively deals with his problems, he will not change. He betrayed you and your relationship by running back to his ex, and also leaving you after his son died. For that, there needs to be consequences, like him not having access or contact of you. He's cut off. If he contacts you, Just calmly tell him that you don't think it's a good idea for YOU (not him) to be in this relationship, and that you've been betrayed. And that you don't think it's healthy for YOU to be friends or stay in contact with him at this point in time. Maybe in a few months or a year when your feelings have settled off and you've moved on, you can be acquaintences/friends, but until then you need to do what's best for YOU. If you don't reconnect, that's okay too. You'll be better off regardless if you take back your power. He's already doing that for himself, don't give up your self-worth and esteem in favor of what he wants. You have the power now. Again, until he actually does something, "want to do" don't mean sh*t. Remember: Don't trust his words, trust his actions AND patterns of behavior. He's done this before, he'll do it again. If he wanted to be with you, he would be, and he's made it clear he doesn't. You deserve better. --Rae
  15. I second everything said here. I have not dated or been in a relationship in 3 years since Tim and I ended, and I have done more purposeful things alone than I ever did in any of my relationships. Romantic relationships are not the end all be all to life.
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