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About Rae1991

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  1. Rae1991

    Don't Know What to Do

    I absolutely agree with everything KayC has said. To answer your question about "overreacting," no, you are absolutely not overreacting. You are simply reacting to his terrible behavior and disregard of you, as any normal person would. An example of an overreaction would be if you damaged his property over how he's behaving. My ex Tim was about a year older than yours when his dad died 3 years ago, and he reacted very similarly, minus the threats of suicide, while I was not pregnant, he still behaved and treated me as though I had done something wrong because his grief was overwhelming, even though he insisted he did not want to break up and it wasn't my fault, he stopped answering my calls/messages for months, nor would he talk to me at all. It was ridiculous, frustrating and heartbreaking how he became so unrecognizable seemingly overnight. But it seems this behavior is not as uncommon as we once thought. As far as him not acknowledging your pregnancy, that's just ridiculous. I understand he's grieving, but that's not an excuse to run from his responsibilities. You can't run away, he shouldn't get to either. Do seek child support if he's going to behave as though his child is your problem to deal with. I've got friends who were put in this same situation by their exes (minus the death), and a few of them pay like $20/month in CS and never see their kids, it's ridiculous. But if he refuses CS, these days as KayC said, in many states you'll get your license pulled and/or go to jail after so many missed payments. Do consider talking to your mom at some point, you will need to tell her. Who knows, maybe she'll be supportive. But also look into therapy for yourself, these situations are traumatizing, and I can't imagine the added stress of pregnancy being thrown into it. I understand he's your ex, but as you said, it's more about you wanting him to be around for the baby versus your relationship, and it sounds like he's just trying to ignore it as if it'll go away because he doesn't think he can deal with it. It's childish and ridiculous, you can give him the benefit of the doubt for a while, but remember: After so long this behavior becomes a deliberate conscious choice on his part. --Rae
  2. Absolutely, kayc! Whether or not he loves that baby is not your problem, but his. You don't need his permission to have a child if he willingly participated in the act to make one. If you feel that what he's done/said is unforgivable and that you cannot move on together as a couple, you need to make that decision for yourself. Do not let others guilt you into tolerating someone's poor treatment of you or staying with someone you don't feel will love and protect you (and your child) the way you deserve, as they vowed to the day you were married. I am not saying to leave him, but do weigh your options and seek counseling to give you clarity and figure out what is best for you. Sidenote: My mother stayed with my father after being guilted relentlessly by her family and church members because they were married and had just had a baby, she now admits that even though she loved him, she should have left him after the first time he was caught cheating and ran off on her when my sister was a newborn. She said the only things of value she left that marriage with are her 4 children, and a better idea of a life she did not want to live anymore. She has since gone back to school, has a Masters degree now and is living the life she wanted to live but never got the chance to as a young adult. They were married 16 years, its never too late to start over. To add to your inquiry KayC: I think part of why they behave this way isn't necessarily the loss itself, but the issue is unresolved problems from their past (especially childhood/formative years) that are in some way related to the person they lost. All of our stories have a common thread: the person had underlying issues that stemmed from their upbringing and/or traumatic events from their formative years. Intertwined to this is unhealthy mental/emotional coping mechanisms, habits and lifestyle as an adult, until grief forces them to remove the masks they wear and exposes their true selves. A thread from a girl named Miri exhibited her exes abandonment issues, ambivalence and resentment of his mother that led to him thrusting those burdens unto Miri, then leaving her when his mother died. My ex Tim had the same issues, only with both abusive parents, and it was evident by how he would react with confusion when I wouldn't yell at him if I was upset or we were arguing, and he would say "You're gonna yell at me, aren't you? Why aren't you angry? You should be." Your ex Jim seems to have had similar issues with codependency, and his being an Aspie only exacerbated his struggles. I myself struggled with abandonment, emotional unavailability, codependency and serious anger issues after my grandfather and best friend died, and it nearly cost me my mental health and relationship. My father was an absolute wreck when his adoptive mother passed away and when my mother's dad (my grandfather) passed, but wanted nothing to do with his biological father's funeral and didn't really care much when he passed. There's a commonality among our stories on this forum, it just takes time for us to make peace with it because we love them, and are willing to look past their flaws and glaring red flags. Humans may be seen as unpredictable because their behavior has differing extremes, but much of their behavior pattern itself is predictable because it usually has a cause/trigger/reason, and it is very evident in this forum. Emotions at times may seem illogical, but there is (usually) always an explanation/reason rooted in the cause of said behavior. --Rae
  3. I absolutely agree and could not have said it better. Do not give away your power of autonomy and self-governance to another person (spouse or otherwise). As KayC said, a counselor will help you hash out what YOU want to do going forward, whether or not your husband wants to get on board with your decision is his own problem, not yours. Make the best choice for YOU, as he is already doing what he feels is best for himself without regard to how you feel, or how his cruel words hurt you. --Rae
  4. While both of the situations that brought me here ended in heartbreak, I now consider them to be a positive outcome and "happy ending." Six years ago, just before turning 22, the man I'd been with 7 years, lived with and was engaged to, cheated on and left me for another girl. I was devastated, heartbroken and had to rebuild my entire life from scratch. It took a lot of emotional work to move on from an imagined future that would never be. Two years later, I graduated from college after spending a semester abroad in Scotland and traveling The UK, Spain and France. For me, this was life-altering and made me realize my future was no longer 'ours,' but mine to build in any way I saw fit, and that's exactly what I've done since. Joe and I are friends on FB now, and talk from time to time, I don't hate him anymore. In fact, I'm grateful for him showing me exactly what I did not want in life. Had we married, we'd be miserable and divorcing now. We were both spared this fate. I consider this a "happy ending." I began dating Tim in 2014, he watched me walk the stage as I graduated from college. His father died in Fall 2015, and he shut me out and left me, not once, but twice. Heartbreak once again ruled my life, but on top of that, I was miserable in other ways: my crappy job, unsupportive friends, and lingering, constant loneliness. 6 months after I chose to exit his life, I was offered a job in another State and moved away. It was one of the best things I could've done for myself. Since college I have visited 19 countries solo, I speak 3 languages fluently, and have rebuilt my life on MY terms, without a significant other. I am the happiest I've been since I was under 18 and have gained a lifetime of perspective and wisdom, and I wouldn't change it for a thing. While my romantic relationships may have ended, what I've gained from losing them is more fulfilling than either relationship would've ever been..... I consider my outcome a Success Story & Happy Ending, too. Just like KayC. Just because a relationship ends does not mean the world does. --Rae
  5. Absolutely! Tim's inability to handle his personal problems/feelings is what ended our relationship. It would have ended eventually regardless because of these things. His father dying made him have to confront many of those problems (abandonment, abuse issues from his childhood, his father behaving similarly then abandoning his mother etc) that he wasn't ready to, and until he does that and learns to come to terms with them in a healthy way, he is incapable of an emotionally intimate relationship. Tim's way of handling problems became a pattern that I did not learn about until after the first time he left me (and more the second time). His own sibling explained to me that ever since Tim was a teenager, he would run from things he was afraid of or didn't understand. He ghosted at least 3 of his exes before me due to superficial reasons regarding normal relationship happenings (ie, talks of the future, emotional intimacy/sex etc). I never knew about any of these things until his own brother apologized for not warning me. He would've done it to me eventually too, I just didn't know it yet. I am glad I found these things out before our relationship went further. God did not make this part of a plan, or make Tim behave this way. Tim CHOSE to behave this way, he knew exactly what he was doing. His grief may have clouded his judgement for a time, but after so long his actions became a deliberate decision. I am absolutely at fault for ignoring red flags and letting my hurt and love for him cloud my judgement, but I am not responsible for how he chose to behave. You are not responsible for this break-up either, his fathers death only expedited the break-up. You said in a previous post that he told you before his dad died "he'd been feeling like he needed to break-up with you/having second thoughts about your relationship for X amount of time. You aren't the one for him" That right there says it all. He already knew he was going to break it off, he just hadn't yet. His fathers death merely gave him a reason/excuse to cut the cord he was already holding scissors to. Be glad it ended sooner rather than after you got further involved or married. When Joe left me I was blindsided with grief and hurt, but these days I am grateful for it. I would've left/divorced him by now had we gotten married because I would've outgrown him, in a way I already had, I just didn't see it at the time because I was in the midst of college and young adulthood. He is still the same "stuck in high school glory/small-town life" guy that left me 6 years ago, he's just 6 years older now and still going nowhere. Our love was perfect and right for us when we were teenagers and young, but now that we're adults, it's not. DO NOT LET OTHERS PUT THAT ONUS UNTO YOU! It is NOT your job to fix his grief. As a partner, it is your job to be supportive and be there for him when he asks, sure; but we all need to walk this grief path in our own way and fix ourselves, and he chose to walk this path completely alone without your moral support, and that is HIS FAULT, not yours. Sidenote: This is progress. The anger has subsided from the break-up and your emotions are beginning to settle, allowing you to focus your energy on others things (such as actually hashing out your grief from the deaths) instead of focusing all your time and energy on him and his problems. -- Rae
  6. To add: Making such a rash decision will only display to him/his family, your friends and yourself that he has more control and power over you than YOU do. And that is easily the most embarrassing thing of them all: Changing who you are and your life, not only FOR a man, but BECAUSE of one. You will live to regret it. Sidenote: If you feel that going to a different school is best for your career/future, do consider it, but not because you're sad, embarrassed and afraid of what others think of you being single. Make an educated, informed choice, as it may cost more, you'll have to move again, and all your credits may not transfer. Make a decision based on what YOU want for yourself, NOT what you think is best to get over some guy. Trust me, in 5 years you'll look back and laugh about how silly this is and realize you would've broken up anyway, heck maybe even 2 years. Stop putting the onus on yourself to carry hurt and shame that doesn't belong to you. If anyone should be embarrassed, it should be your ex for being so irresponsible, inconsiderate and sheepish.
  7. Just remove him from your Social platforms, and politely let his mother know that for the time being, she needs to stop reaching out to you. It's as if she's offering some sort of olive branch to her son/family that isn't really there. She may have good intentions, but it's clearly hurting you. Don't uproot your entire life and abandon your friends and studies. One of the pillars that counselors will tell you is not to make emotionally-fueled rash decisions in times of stress and grief, as they may be temporary fixes, but not long-term solutions. "Young adult decisions become real adult problems." I mean no offense, but In a way, you'd be mirroring your exes sudden rash decision making process, just in a different way; don't let his poor choices ruin your present or future. I know how horrid and embarrassing it is to feel this way. I had to ask my ex-fiance's mother to block me on FB after I gave her mother's ring back because I was too embarrassed to tell her her son cheated on me, and couldn't bring myself to remove his family, a family I'd spent 7 years becoming part of, but I had to. I couldn't explain to his nieces, who I'd known since they were born, why I couldn't see them anymore. The gut-twisting feeling of failure having to tell my parents, and my friends, and having to start dating in a world I had no experience in as an adult. It made me want to hide, and for a while, I did because I wasn't ready to accept defeat. I made rash decisions too, I immediately went on dates with people I didn't care about because my friends encouraged me to and it kept me busy, started neglecting my schoolwork, and searching for a self-esteem boost anywhere I could get it. It didn't work and only delayed my moving forward (hence the year I spent pining and obsessing over it). You can't outrun your feelings, they'll always find you. If you don't deal with this squarely, it will manifest itself in other ways. You might be able to "run away" for a few months, or a year, but eventually, you'll be at work or in class, or the middle of a bar with your friends, and suddenly, those feelings you built up and ran from will find you again, and you'll be overwhelmed by those unresolved feelings and be sent spiraling back to square one as if it happened last week. If your friends are good and real, they will understand and empathize with your struggles (we've all been thru tough break-ups, if they say otherwise, they're lying), if they don't support you or try to help you, they aren't your friends. Repeat after me: His decisions are NOT my fault. I am not a failure because HE abandoned his promises and commitment to me. IT'S HIM, NOT ME. I know that we cannot make you do, see, feel, understand why or walk away from a situation until YOU are ready, but what you are doing is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you failed because HE is unable to give you what he promised, and you feel cheated because you're somehow responsible for his behavior (hint: you are NOT), so you're torturing yourself with punishment and self-loathing, and letting the subtle jabs of his mom reaching out or his social media updates cut you down. It's not healthy, but I understand the fight for hope. Women are taught to fight to the bitter end, even when the man chickened out, gave up and ran off to leave you to fight his battle. Don't. You deserve better than some chickensh*t boy who leaves you to fight his battles and fix what he broke, while he walks away unscathed. You need to cut the cord. You cannot move forward while still attached to a leash. I know that it is hard, and time feels like it takes forever when you're in anguish, but you cannot fix your heart by clinging to what broke it. --Rae
  8. Plain and simple: He's breadcrumbing you. Which means he's contacting you when he's bored or feels like playing around just to give you a sprinkle of attention (breadcrumbs) to keep you on the hook. If he's not talking about apologizing to you or about what he's doing to work through his problems so he can get your relationship back, there's no reason to be talking to you. What is there to talk about, the weather and your classes? He can do that with his friends while respecting you enough to leave you be and let you get on with your life. Some wise words here. Joe behaved like this after he initially broke up with me. He did so because the girl he left me for was apparently having second thoughts, so he was passing time by entertaining me with words of affection and about how "he just needed to get his mind right because hes not sure about us," until she'd finally give him a shot. A couple weeks after he stopped answering my texts, he announced they were dating. Different situations with the same behavior and what will probably be the same outcome. While he may not start dating someone else anytime soon, he may still drop off the face of the earth at any given time once he gets passed the initial stage of confusion and discomfort because he won't feel like he needs the "cushion" anymore. It's a really shi**y feeling, to be discarded so easily by someone you love. That's why we suggest cutting contact now, because it will save you from getting your hopes up from his words and even more heartache. I wasn't aware of it at the time, but some years later I had come to learn that part of Joe's behavior came from the fact that he had begun to or already had, moved on from our relationship. He just did so while we were still together and lied to me for months on end until he found someone else he was interested in, and I was the last to find out. Had he just been honest, broken up with me and cut contact when he realized he didn't want to be together anymore, maybe the blow wouldn't have been so devastating and I would've moved on quicker too. Same with Tim, had he just been honest instead of avoidant, maybe things wouldn't have hurt so much. But we can't control how others behave, we can only control how we respond to them. We don't say this because we think you'll just get over it next week, we say to cut contact ASAP because continuing to cling to someone who rejects you is not only humiliating and hurtful, it's mentally damaging, and that's not fair to you. --Rae
  9. Rae1991


    I used to do this years ago when I was lonely, or still in the throes of moving on from a guy. These days, I'm aware it's unhealthy and counterproductive to do this while pining for a person. However, occasionally I do look at photos of my grandfather and John, but not because I'm pining for the past anymore. Now it's evolved to things like: It's their birthday and I wonder what kind of cake they'd want. I don't miss Joe or Tim anymore, and my present life is better than my life with either of them. I've accepted we didn't belong together, but that doesn't mean the love we shared wasn't real or meaningful, it's just over now and I've moved onto better things. Yes, you may have some unresolved, residual feelings from one or both of your lost relationships that are worth exploring. I know that when Tim left me, I remember some residual feelings from my break-up with Joe resurfaced because Tim made me feel unlovable and undeserving in a lot of the same ways. They're worth exploring, and no they don't just disappear. You need to confront, understand and accept them before they stop bothering you. Absolutely, KayC! Love is the driving force behind the effort! And, no time was a waste. I used to feel that way about both relationships, and college some days when I was emotionally struggling and refused to admit I was unhappy and hurting. But now I feel the same as you, no good relationships are a waste, and the bad ones are merely life lessons. --Rae
  10. It is emotional torment AND manipulation. No, he's stringing you along at this point. He broke up with you and explained that he's confused and "has been feeling this way for X amount of time;" What more does he need to say to you that he hasn't already said? If you don't want him to reach out, block his calls/texts for now, or at least do not reply if he does reach out. He's broken up with you and isn't trying to be "friends." He isn't respecting your feelings or boundaries that he created when he severed your romantic ties. Friends who respect you, respect your boundaries too. He doesn't get to control when/if he chooses to communicate with you; YOU do. Repeat after me: He lost any privileges or demands of your time when he broke up with you. What he's doing is using you as a "confusion cushion" to make the transition into his sudden drastic life decisions, grief and emotional instability easier. It is not your job to comfort him, be there for him or be at his beck and call, as I said, he lost those privileges when he broke up with you. You do not give "girlfriend benefits" to a man who is not your boyfriend. He wouldn't do the same for you, and he's made that clear. Pull the carpet from under him and do not respond to his pleas for attention, affection or validation. His confusion is NOT your problem. Sidenote: How abhorrent of his friends to try and make you feel guilty for HIS DECISIONS. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. His decisions and feelings are no longer your problem. IT'S HIM, NOT YOU. Go to therapy. Do what is best for you. Time feels like an enemy now, but when this chapter is over, you'll be thankful it was so short-lived. You have the power to end this chapter, close the door and turn the page onto a new chapter. Use it. --Rae
  11. Rae1991


    Absolutely! With both Joe and Tim, the connections were instant. We WANTED to be together, however, that doesn't mean that feeling was going to last without effort, work and growth. That's how relationships last for years: consistency. While the initial attraction, spark and connection are great, these things don't sustain relationships. People change, grow and so do their feelings, if they aren't with a person who supports them and understands this, the relationship will never last. Even if they do understand it, sometimes life just drives people in a different direction and the other person can't or won't go with them, so they break up. For years, Joe and I's relationship was similar, but as we grew up, we got complacent and stopped desiring each other, that fostered too much comfort it became a recipe for disaster. We were also heading in different life directions, he wanted a family ASAP, was comfortable working his job as a fast food restaurant manager in a small Midwestern town, and I wanted to finish college, enjoy being an adult and go to graduate school. What both of us wanted was not compatible with what the other person wanted, and it caused tension between us. I would have married him, but did not want children so soon, nor was I willing to drop out of college to do so and Joe was not supportive of my decision, so it didn't work. We slowly began drifting apart which led to his infidelity and eventual break-up. Tim and I's relationship was great on the surface and the connection was instant, we enjoyed being together and WANTED to be, but deep down it lacked true emotional intimacy, and I didn't fully understand this until I learned about why he behaved as he did and his pattern of similar behavior with previous relationships. While I loved him and he seemed to love me, as KayC said, people can fool you. The way he behaved towards me after his father died was baffling at first, but once I started learning about his history, it made more sense. I was finally able to see the now glaring red flags that had subtly been there all along, and his mask was removed. While both relationships had their merits and great times, they were not built to last, but that doesn't mean the love wasn't real. If you love someone, it should not feel like monotonous, hard and forced work to put in effort to maintain a relationship. ALL RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE EFFORT. Love won't answer a phone call, love won't reply to a text message, love won't buy them a small gift when they've had a bad day, watch their favorite show with them even though you hate it or remember how they like their coffee; EFFORT WILL. CONSISTENCY WILL. However, if you have to force yourself to put in effort that isn't being reciprocated, and your gut says it isn't right, listen to that and act accordingly by removing yourself from the situation. Remember, people can fool you. Love is not just a feeling, it is a deliberate conscious choice too. Some days you or your partner will only be able to give 80/100%, so the other person will have to give 120%; you will struggle, you will argue and you will say things you regret and need to apologize for, but at the end of the day even when you're at your wits end with an argument, you still need to choose love and your relationship over 'winning' the argument. Even when you need to cool off and can't stand each other for a little bit, you still choose love when you work to resolve the argument. Even still, breaking up and/or walking away from a relationship or person that you cherish for the health of yourself, is still choosing love. --Rae
  12. Fantastic! College is stressful and hard, but rewarding. Do what you can to alleviate that stress, but don't overwork and burn yourself out. Resiliency is key here. It is absolutely a violation of your trust, and a betrayal to you. Remind yourself that you won't feel this way forever, it's just a chapter in your life, and that life will go on with or without him. As you said before, IF he does come back, you may not even want to date him anymore. --Rae
  13. Yes, Tim absolutely did. He only posted on his accounts once a week if not less, but I knew he was following my posts still because he would "Like" them regularly. Nothing but mixed signals. He couldn't call, message or even talk to me face to face, but he could stalk my Facebook. Mixed signals. However, I will say this: I made the mistake of keeping Tim as a contact on my social media accounts, and I should not have after he left me the first time. It allowed him an "easy-in" when he finally did decide to come back because he knew where I hung out, who I was with and when. I should have deleted him that day, after I realized he wasn't taking my calls anymore, but I didn't because the wound was still fresh and I was still in love with him. Reminder: Don't put stock in his confusing behavior, he's trying to behave "as normal as possible," just without any commitments and as if nothing has changed. It's not you, it's him. --Rae
  14. Exactly! When my Ex-Fiance Joe, cheated and then left me, I was devastated. He then tried to come back 5 years later because the girl left him for someone else. By then I was having NONE of it and he isn't a person I would date now because I am in a different place at 27 than I was at 22. My ex Tim is the same, I wouldn't ever date someone like him again, he's 100% emotionally unavailable and unable to have an emotionally intimate relationship. Great Mindset, just take it day by day, find the silver lining in it and don't put so much stock in his behavior. IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS HIM.
  15. First off, I am sorry this is happening to you. It is a really hard situation to be in, and many of us here were/are in the same space as you. From personal experience I can tell you not to put stock in what he says, as you've mentioned he's confused and giving off mixed signals. Don't fall into the trap of waiting around for him to give you crumbs of a friendship/relationship. That isn't fair to you. For the time being, he has broken up with you. You have no obligation to him and should not feel that you do. If he asked for space, give it to him. But do not be waiting in the wings and hoping he'll come back around, because he may not. Do not hope he will reach out to you just because he said he would, he may just be saying that, but not mean it. Grief is tricky, it makes people very self-centered, selfish and sensitive to how others behave/talk to them. It seems that (in our specific cases), our partners cannot handle a romantic relationship because they feel they have nothing more to give, but don't abandon their friends because it's a different kind of relationship with less expectations. Do not just listen to his words, listen to his actions and patterns of behavior. He said he felt this way when his dad was hospitalized, that's "anticipatory grief," an early sign that he was already on his journey down the grief path. Now, he has broken up with you and is giving you mixed signals, he's unable to have any kind of a relationship with you, and it is a mistake to continue engaging him. If you don't feel comfortable "being friends," you don't need to be. It is impossible to remain friends with someone when one of the people wants and is hoping for more than a friendship. It is manipulative, and it isn't fair that he gets to call all the shots about what happens between the two of you, especially if "friendship" isn't what you want. If he cannot be in a romantic relationship with you, and that is what you want from him, being friends is not going to work, and will only stand to hurt you in the long run. In regards to your reference to the concert tickets, he purchased those while you were still together, chances are even though he said he's been feeling that way, at the time he had no intentions of breaking if off, but now he has and things have changed, and you need to understand that. Since he has broken up with you, it is best to go No Contact with him (including Social Media), focus on yourself, your friends/hobbies and continue on with your life. I am not saying go back to dating or jump into another relationship, but I am saying for the time being he has abandon you and you need to face the rejection squarely. You said he asked for space, give it to him without expectation that he will come back to you, has any obligation to you or you to him. Call it "silent love," if you will. I know that you love him and want what's best for him, but he's already made the choice to do what's best for himself, and you need to do what's best for yourself. To answer your questions: No, do not hold onto hope that he will decide to return. The grieving could take months, or years for him to fully be in a place where he has accepted and learned to live with his loss. In the meantime, you have to decide what is an appropriate amount of time you're willing to wait for him, after all he has broken up with you. Any longer than a couple months is unhealthy, unfair to you and you cannot sit around giving him all the power and waiting for something that may never come. The only person that will be hurt from his breaking up, and your waiting for him to return, is you. Yes, he may be confused right now about what he wants, but don't take it as though once his confusion is cured that he'll run back to you, again it could be months or years. Remember: He broke up with you. Don't let him breadcrumb you into sticking around and tolerating his emotional manipulation (even if that's not his intention, that's what it is), use you as an emotional "punching bag," or an outlet for his confusion. As far as communication goes, again do not expect anything. He might say he's going to contact you, but he may not. Don't sit around waiting and hoping he will, go back to your life, school, hobbies and friends. He has chosen to navigate this journey alone, and you need to let him. Any further prodding or pushing of him, or waiting in the wings may cause him to resent you. I say these things as someone who's been there. My now ex-bf of 2 years Tim, left me after his father died abruptly of a heart attack. He first told me he didn't want to break up, and then disappeared from my life days later without a trace, leaving me in the dark, confused, abandoned and heartbroken. Three months later, he randomly popped back up asking to reconcile and I reluctantly agreed, I should not have let him come back as I was still heartbroken and confused and my gut told me he was going to do it again, but I loved him. He was still confused, didn't know what he wanted and would not communicate about what he needed from me. His actions made it very clear he did not want to be with me and had no idea what he wanted, but I ignored them to my own detriment. He used me as an outlet for his feelings for a few months, and then disappeared again. I never got my things back from his apartment and haven't spoken to him since. I had to make the choice to exit his life and purge myself of feelings for him on my own, because he wasn't going to give it to me. 3 years later, I am glad I did. Please ask yourself: Why do you want to be with someone who abandons you when life gets hard? Life is hard, and that is a fact. No relationship or couple is going to be happy all the time. You deserve someone who is going to stand by you during those hard times. He's made it clear he isn't one of those people, and you deserve better. You may be willing to stick by his side, but he has already abandoned you and your relationship. You may have been committed to him, but he's made it clear he doesn't feel the same about you. There is no "reading between the lines" here, he made up his mind, told you how he felt and ended your relationship. Again, I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear. He has broken up with you. Ditch the belief that he has any further obligation to you, or you to him. It is in your best interest to do what's best for yourself while also respecting his wishes and give him the space he wants. Show him there are consequences for breaking up with you, because there should be. He should no longer get to dictate the terms of a relationship he ended. You were the other half of it, you have a voice, and you have the power to say "no." Use it. His "I'm not sure about you" is someone else's "hell yes!" Hold out for the latter. --Rae