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Rae1991

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About Rae1991

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    NA
  • Date of Death
    2010,2011
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    NA

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    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Chicago

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  1. Yep, been there. It's good that you're speaking to a professional, and that you're aware of how you feel. It's a start. It sounds like you've talked to her about how you feel? If not, you may want to and you can mutually decide what's best for you both, or how to end your relationship together. My grandfather and I were best friends, he and my grandmother basically raised us because my parents worked multiple jobs and weren't home much. He died in 2010 of liver failure and cancer. It affected me in an odd way because I was 19 and had never lost anyone before, so I didn't really understand what was happening. My boyfriend was supportive, and while I behaved kind of strangely for a while and was really sad, I didn't break up with him. Part of it was also that I was expecting his death, as his liver was failing and he was in hospice for a few months. 9 months later, my best friend killed himself and it sent me spiraling. I dropped out of school and stopped going to work, for weeks. I laid in bed for days at a time replaying our last conversations and wondering if I wasn't a good friend to him. Time just stopped, reality stopped and I didn't want to go back into the world. I was not right in the head for months. My boyfriend Joe understood, for a while, but my behavior went on for months. I was cruel to him and emotionally abandoned him and our relationship. I stopped caring about everything. Joe should've left me, but he didn't. He gave me an ultimatum after about 4 months of my constant crying, laying in bed, angry outbursts and neglecting myself. He told me he was going to leave if I didn't seek professional help. At the time, I resented him for it because I was so obsessed with my own feelings that I didn't care about how my behavior made him feel. I was angry with him for being unable to understand how I felt, but my anger was misdirected because deep down I was just angry at myself, confused and inexplicably sad. He was right to leave, but I agreed to see a counselor. We eventually worked it out once I started taking therapy seriously, but it damaged our relationship. We ended things two years later for unrelated reasons, but I do feel that this situation played a part in how we ended. While I wasn't fully aware of how I was behaving at times, Joe made it clear that my behavior was hurting him, and that he hated seeing me like that. Part of me wanted to care and be better, I just couldn't help the loneliness, carelessness and emptiness I felt. If you feel that being alone is what's best for you, you need to tell her. Don't leave her waiting in the wings, giving her hope or confusing her with sweet nothings. My ex-boyfriend Tim did that to me after his dad died in 2015, and it was devastating. He told me he just needed some time to sit with his loss, and that he didn't want to break up. A few days turned into months of radio silence from him, and him begging me to reconcile once I had finally started to accept that our relationship was over and move forward. He is emotionally unavailable but used it as an excuse to treat me poorly; You seem to be emotionally unavailable as well, but you aren't trying to hurt her and are aware of it, which is a great thing. The difference here is that you didn't wait to seek therapy, and you're aware of how you feel and how it's affecting her and your relationship. Instead of being cruel and just dumping her, you're actually trying to spare her pain and keep the relationship. But if it's at the expense of yourself, you need to have a discussion with her about it. Remember, you need to do what you feel is best for you. But, I'd caution against making rash, emotionally-fueled decisions. Do talk to her and your therapist before deciding what to do. It doesn't make you a bad person for breaking up with her, it just means you need time to figure things out and that time is best spent alone because you're going through a major, life-altering transition. Life isn't linear and things change at the drop of a hat, and sometimes, so do people. Things get better. The grief will just change, it won't go away. Think of it like an over-stuffed suitcase. At first, it's unmanageable, cumbersome and you're struggling to carry it. Eventually, it becomes a regular suitcase as you get used to the weight. Then it becomes a more manageable "carry-on" suitcase, then a backpack, and eventually a card you carry in your back pocket. You know it'll always be there, and sometimes you feel it more than others, but it doesn't weigh you down like it once did. -- Rae
  2. It did. And yep, it appears we are.
  3. Glad to see you're doing well, Tom. When I first found the forum in 2015, you and Miri's stories were the first ones I read. It's been three years since my story took place and I too am in a much better time in my life than I was then. --Rae
  4. This behavior is not normal. Physical violence is NEVER ACCEPTABLE. It is normal to have an adverse reaction to a death, yes. We all grieve differently. However, he crossed a line and you need to walk away. Physical violence is NEVER OKAY. If he is refusing help for his mental health problems, he shouldn't be taking them out on you. WALK AWAY. You are not his scapegoat, therapist, or punching bag. His refusal to deal with his mental health IS NOT YOUR FAULT OR PROBLEM. You need to love yourself first. He's made it clear he does not love you. Yes, he may be grieving his mother, but that is not a reason to assault or abuse you. Yes, he may have mental health problems, but that is not a reason to abuse you. It will not get better, you cannot make him seek meds until he makes the choice to get medication for himself, and even then, there's no guarantee he won't abuse you further. LEAVE HIM. Don't ever let someone, including yourself, make you believe that physical violence is acceptable. IT NEVER IS. It doesn't matter if he's high, drunk, depressed, has mental problems, whatever, IT IS NOT OKAY. You may love him, but he does not love you. If you don't walk away you are dooming yourself to a fate that no one deserves. You cannot change him, putting up with abuse is not love, "ride or die" or "standing by your man," it is abuse. DO NOT be his "ride or die," because you will end up dead. You need to leave him. He crossed the line. Please, seek help from a women's shelter, domestic violence crisis center/hotlines, or talk to a family member or friends for help. https://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-7233 I say this as a person who lived it. My moms ex-husband was an abusive alcoholic. Even when he was going through rehab and was "sober" and on medication for a week or two, he was still abusive to us. He never completed any stints in rehab. First he targeted us, her kids, and my mom turned a blind eye to it because it wasn't happening to her. Once we all came of age and left, that's when he started targeting her and she sought help from the police and DV counseling and assistance. Abusers have an end game, and it is to stop you from leaving by any means possible. My mom took him back 5 different times during their marriage after vowing to leave him each time. After the final time, he stalked her for over a year. He then tried to kill her by malfunctioning her car engine so it started on fire and nearly exploded. He is not going to change. Do you have a support network of friends or a family member you could stay with? If you are living together, seriously consider staying with a friend. Please tell someone close to you, and if need be, call the police. Be wary about involving his family, as they will more than likely defend him before they defend you. He did it once, he will do it again. Stop it before it escalates. Leave. --Rae
  5. I've come to the same conclusion with both Tim and Joe. It would've ended regardless of how much longer I'd have stayed in either relationship. I would've left or divorced Joe had we stayed together, and Tim either would've dumped me eventually, or I him to pursue the life I have now. The life I've built for myself, full of adventures, my career, education and better more supportive friends than I had in my hometown. But, Kayc is right. We didn't deserve what they did to us. Nor did we do anything to make them behave as such. Don't let yourself, or others make you believe that you did something to deserve it. --Rae
  6. Hey Vandal, I had been lurking here before I posted for over a year because I couldn't make an account at the time. It was hard to read all these stories that were so similar to mine, but in reading them I began to understand my feelings, that I wasn't alone in this, and how to learn to finally let go of Tim. With these situations, hindsight is always 20/20, but at the time, we simply reacted the only way we knew how, with love. Having been on both sides of the spectrum, the griever and the dumpee of a griever, it is a strange feeling. I too felt guilty for a long time for both doing what I did to Joe, and for having to listen to my own heart and head in my situation with Tim in my choice walk away. I never needed closure because I was accustomed to not getting it. But same with my situation with Tim, I thought our relationship was getting serious, and it was hard to accept that not only was I wrong but it turned out to be mostly lies from him. It was confusing and disappointing and those feelings stuck around for months afterward. I'd say it took me 8 months or so until I was fully in a place of acceptance that we weren't compatible, for the triggers to stop, to be fully aware that my feelings were gone and the reminders of him to fade. I had to cut contact with his brother and sister who are both good friends of mine (they introduced us) for a few months because every time I would talk to them, I would just be reminded of our failed relationship. They understood at the time and were really upset with Tim over how he behaved with me, but they're glad I have moved on. They even said he didn't deserve my kindness or love, and maybe they were right, but it happened, so it is what it is. If I am ever put in this situation again, I like you, am better equipped: Walk away. I won't second guess, I won't feel guilty, I'll just walk. As harsh as it might sound, its only necessary. Exactly. Our brain already knows what our heart doesn't want to accept. --Rae
  7. To answer your question about why shes talking to others and not you I will reiterate what I said in my OP: A romantic relationship comes with expectations, standards and reciprocity requirements that are different than platonic or familial relationships. Her friends aren't expecting her to spend all her spare time with them or talk to them everyday, and they don't come with the expectation of romance, regular check-ins, time spent and the level of intimacy a romantic partnership does. She may also be using them as a way to relieve her constant thoughts of her father passing, and that's normal to do in a friendship. They aren't hanging out with her for the expectation of romantic reciprocity that she can't give, and you would be. That's the difference. She may just feel spent and taxed during her grieving, and does not have the capacity to continue to give you the emotional, physical or mental attention a romantic relationship requires at this point in time. As she told you, it isn't about you. Don't try to make it about you. I know it hurts and it's the worst kind of rejection there is, but its what she needs right now. Sidenote: Do not assume that giving her space is a guaranteed formula to make her come back to you. Don't sit around waiting in limbo for her to figure out what she wants. Do not feel obligated to put your life on hold waiting for someone else to get right. She will heal herself on her own time and it may take months or years for her to feel normal again. If she loves you, she wouldn't expect you to wait, and don't feel obligated to even if you love her. Give yourself a set time to wait, maybe a few months or so, whatever you're comfortable with. But after that, you need to start working towards moving forward for yourself. Waiting around for a relationship to return that isn't guaranteed is nothing but regret waiting to happen. Time wasted is time wasted. Yours is just as valuable as hers. --Rae
  8. Do what you can to seem indifferent about it when in class. Behave as normally as you possibly can and save your visible emotions for your friends/therapist/alone time. It sounds harsh, but showing her that you're falling to pieces won't make her take you back. Stop trying to get her friends to help you or talking to them about how sad you are. As bad as they may feel for you, they can't force her hand in talking to you, even if they do tell her how sad you are, it may come off to her as you trying to use her friends to manipulate how she feels. Doing so will only make her resent you further. Grief is weird. It makes people selfish and hyper-sensitive to how others behave and talk to them. Yes, your feelings matter too. But as I stated before, don't take it personally or try to make this about you. It's her, not you. Unless you can bring back her father, you cannot do anything help her through this. All you can do is what she asks of you, and as of right now, she has asked that you leave her be. This isn't a rom-com or "princess and her white knight savior" fairytale story. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, there is no valiant reward for that kind of self-sacrifice. --Rae
  9. First off, I am sorry this is happening to you. If you read most of the stories here, you begin to see a pattern. The first thing I am going to tell you: Stop contacting her. No response is a response. She has made it clear she wants to work through this on her own and there is nothing you can do. I know it sucks to feel so helpless when all you want to do is be there for them. Secondly, the reason why she is able to continue with her friends is because there is less expectation and the relationships are different. A romantic relationship involves expectations that she may not want to or be emotionally able to fulfill right now because she feels it is too much after losing her father and now having to deal with the grief and fallout from it. Losing parents and grandparents especially, is life-altering. Not to be offensive, but you've also only been together for 4 months and you were probably still in the "honeymoon phase." I understand that you love her, but you need to give her space, she may not ask for it directly, but obviously pining after her and contacting her is not working. If you have the time, look for a guy named Tom's thread about he and his girlfriend Fern, it's probably a page or two back by now as its a few years old. The exact same thing happened to him. The thread by Dino, a guy from recently, same thing happened to him too with a different loss. She has made it clear to you that she wants space, give it to her. As painful as it is, and as hard as this is to not take personally, understand this isn't about you, don't try and make it about you. She will only resent you for it. Stop placing pressure on her to contact you, the tighter you squeeze the easier it is for her to slip away. Go back to your life, hobbies and friends. Join a gym, pick up new hobbies, take a class, if you're in college consider joining a club or group. Remove her from your social media, any reminders of her from your home and change her name in your phone. Now, I am not saying delete her and throw away all the stuff she gave you, what I am saying is for the time being, remove it from your immediate sight/grasp. It will only make you feel worse about it if every time you see a Facebook update, shes laughing with her friends. I have been on both sides of the coin, after losing my grandfather to cancer and best friend to suicide in a year, my life was a mess and I emotionally neglected and abandoned my boyfriend Joe. He understood that I just needed time to feel normal and right again, but we did not break up because I told him I didn't want to, we also lived together so the dynamic was a bit different. However, that does not excuse how poorly I treated him. Again, it had nothing to do with him, I was just an emotional wreck that did not want to confront my problems, I also became very depressed, so it was extremely hard to find any joy in my life, despite his best efforts to help me, I was the only one who could help myself, and for a while, I actively chose not to. In the end, Joe nearly left me, and he was right to because I was being terrible, cruel and selfish because I was angry and he didn't deserve it. I went to therapy eventually and things got better for me. My ex-bf of nearly two years, Tim, abandoned me after his father suddenly died. He told me he didn't want to break up, but then stopped answering my texts/calls. After a month of this, I stopped contacting him and concluded our relationship was over. 3 months later he comes back trying to reconcile, I agreed because I was still in love with him even though I should not have. He was still deeply confused, cruel and his emotional outbursts made it clear he did not want to be with me. He ghosted me a second time after agreeing to meet for dinner one night, earlier that same day we were at his house and he told me he loved me before going to work. I haven't spoken to him since, that was 3 years ago. I will reiterate: Stop contacting her. It makes you look desperate, and pining after her is not going to bring her back. She has to make that decision on her own. I understand that you love her, but if you love her you need to respect her wishes and stop contacting her. She doesn't want you to be there for her, and you need to accept that. You didn't abandon her, she abandoned you. She is doing what she feels is best for herself, and for the time being, she cannot handle a romantic relationship. It is a mistake to keep engaging her. Do what is best for yourself, again I am not saying go date someone else or stop loving her. However, she will be less inclined to contact you the harder you push her, and it may have the opposite effect you intend, if you continue pushing her, you may push her away for good. --Rae
  10. To answer your question as honest as possible: YES, it is. A few reasons as to why: It wasn't a break. A relationship break is maybe a few days or a week away from one another, not 3 months, and you've agreed you're still committed and together. She broke up with you. We are not obligated to wait around for someone to "figure stuff out," and don't ever feel like you should be. Your life, feelings and time matter just as much as hers, if she was expecting you to put yourself on hold until she gets right, that's on her. You are not obligated to help carry someone else's emotional burdens and it should never be expected of you. If all she's done is remain in the same place and hasn't used the time you've been apart to work on herself and deal with her grief, why would she expect that you waited in the wings this whole time? That's just selfish and unfair to you. She hurt you and did nothing to fix the harm, so her suddenly coming back to you and expecting you to take her back is really callous, and it is something you need to figure out if you actually want to pursue again, as there's no guarantee she won't break up with you again in a few months. It should be seen as a privilege that you're even considering reconciling, not a right of hers or an obligation of you and your time. This behavior is a common theme among all our stories, and none of them ended well for us. Our SO dropped us like a hot pan, then attempted to pick us up as "friends" or rekindle our relationships some months or weeks later. Which then led to manipulation, emotional abuse, confusion, hurt and prolonged our own heartbreak because they were disingenuous as to their motive behind their behavior. After so long, this behavior becomes a deliberate decision. It is impossible to "continue where you left off" as if nothing happened, and it would be a serious disservice to YOU and your relationship to do so. Why? Why does she get to dictate that it wasn't a big deal? She left you, refused to acknowledge that you needed space, and now wants to get back together as though it didn't affect you and everything is okay because she says shes ready now? 3 months is a long time, and a lot can change in this time frame. You need to ask yourself, and be honest; Is she only saying this because she's lonely and misses companionship, or does she actually miss you and your relationship? Is she going to therapy/counseling/support groups? Has she made any tangible progress in working through her grief in a healthy way? Have you acknowledged and talked to her about how her behavior made you feel, and has she acknowledged that her behavior is not acceptable? Is she acknowledging her grief, emotional needs and root causes of her behaviors? If the answers are no, you need to re-evaluate whether or not this is healthy for either of you. It is impossible to be friends with someone when one of you wants more than friendship. The fact that she dumped you and then attempted to force you into being friends by texting, showing up where you are and still attempting to speak to you, and refusing to respect your request for distance is a problem. She needed space and you gave it to her, but she wouldn't respect your need for it? That in itself is a massive red flag. It sounds to me like there was some co-dependency brewing and that she may lack boundaries, and that is not healthy either. Trust takes a long time to rebuild once it is broken. And these situations should definitely be deal breakers, because they certainly are trust breakers. If she believes that you can just pick up where you left off as though your relationship, bond and trust was not damaged, you need to question why. She broke up with you. That is effectively severing any bonds you had. If you do choose to pursue your relationship again, proceed with caution, tread lightly and DO NOT just go running back to her with forgiveness. Repairing a relationship, and the trust it held takes time, work and effort. If she isn't willing to take things slow and respect your need for a slower pace while she works to gain your trust back, that should be a red flag too. You don't just fall back into it as though nothing is different. Technically, you're now beginning a new relationship because the previous one was ended and it has been months in between, long enough for both of you to feel differently about one another, or have dated other people. DO NOT let your history with a person, love for them or guilt cause you to settle or fall back into something that you don't feel is right for you. History means nothing if its only going to repeat itself. I say this as a person who experienced just about the exact same thing. My ex Tim and I were together 20 months before his father died. He didn't even tell me his father died, his brother told me. I had to track him down and find out what was going on. We talked and he told me he loved me and didn't want to break up, he just needed a few days to sit with the loss, but that he'd let me know what he needed from me and when the funeral was. A few days turned into weeks of ignored texts and phone calls. Those few days turned into 3 months of radio silence from Tim with occasional Facebook stalking. After a month, I concluded our relationship was over and began to try and move forward. 3 months go by and he texts me telling me how sorry he is and that he wanted to work things out. We met up and talked, for a while I was reluctant, but I let my hurt and love for him cloud my judgement. His behavior, cruel words and emotional outbursts at me during the few months we lasted made it clear he was still deeply confused, and did not want to be with me. But I myself was still hurt, confused and just fell further into the hole with him. To no surprise, history repeated itself and I was left with no choice but to walk away. Embarrassed, hurt, confused and even more heartbroken than before. I was worse off for it because I was way too trusting of him, and didn't want to believe the man I fell in love with, who I thought he was, was a sham and a lie. I then learned he had a history of ghosting his girlfriends and other deep seated problems. Do not let yourself fall into this cycle of on again/off again toxicity, because that's what it ends up becoming. If she isn't willing to slowly work at rebuilding the foundations of your relationship, respecting your needs, boundaries and feelings, or understand that there are issues needing to be addressed so you can progress, it isn't worth pursuing. You asked a great question because her reaction to this may very well be a precursor to how she may behave again when faced with similar hardships in the future. Another reoccurring theme among our stories is that we discover our now exes had these red flags all along, and that we ignored them, and that grief simply expedited our break-ups and gave them an easy out, but it didn't cause them directly. That is why I said do not rush back into things or commit to this right away because she doesn't seem to care that its been three months and is only interested in "forgetting about this and moving on," which will end in disaster, or you'll end up in an "on/off situationship," and that's not commitment, a relationship or healthy. Time wasted is time wasted. Time may heal your heart, but it won't give you back the months or years you spent wasting waiting, pining and hoping your relationship will get better, for things to be like they were in the beginning or that she'll magically change her ways and treat you the way you deserve. Only you can make the decision as to how long you're willing to wait, and how much you're willing to tolerate bad behavior. If you don't see tangible signs of change or self-awareness of her mistakes, poor behavior or willingness to work on her flaws, cut your losses. --Rae
  11. Everything Kayc said! It is like a withdrawal, and it is excruciating, mentally and in some ways physically. It could be this way a few weeks, or a month or two, but eventually, you will stop crying every day. With things like this, you need to go "cold turkey." There's no easy way out, you just have to rip the band-aid off, and you've already taken the first necessary step in the right direction. I felt this exact way when both Joe and Tim left me, like I was drowning in sadness that would never end, but eventually, the tears did dry and I stopped obsessing about getting back together, and started focusing my hurt into other productive things: my own self-worth and self-care. It takes time, but its worth it in the end. I am friends with Joe now, after exiting his life for about 4.5 years and creating distance. We chat every once in a while, are FB friends and have gone to dinner on occasion when I visit home, but that's all it ever will be again. I don't see him as the man I was meant to be with and/or marry anymore, now, he's just a boy I once loved from my past. I haven't spoken to Tim in 3 years, and truthfully, I am fine if we never do again, he made it clear that he was untrustworthy and flaky, and I don't want friends that I can't trust. --Rae
  12. I absolutely agree with everything KayC has said. To answer your question about "overreacting," no, you are absolutely not overreacting. You are simply reacting to his terrible behavior and disregard of you, as any normal person would. An example of an overreaction would be if you damaged his property over how he's behaving. My ex Tim was about a year older than yours when his dad died 3 years ago, and he reacted very similarly, minus the threats of suicide, while I was not pregnant, he still behaved and treated me as though I had done something wrong because his grief was overwhelming, even though he insisted he did not want to break up and it wasn't my fault, he stopped answering my calls/messages for months, nor would he talk to me at all. It was ridiculous, frustrating and heartbreaking how he became so unrecognizable seemingly overnight. But it seems this behavior is not as uncommon as we once thought. As far as him not acknowledging your pregnancy, that's just ridiculous. I understand he's grieving, but that's not an excuse to run from his responsibilities. You can't run away, he shouldn't get to either. Do seek child support if he's going to behave as though his child is your problem to deal with. I've got friends who were put in this same situation by their exes (minus the death), and a few of them pay like $20/month in CS and never see their kids, it's ridiculous. But if he refuses CS, these days as KayC said, in many states you'll get your license pulled and/or go to jail after so many missed payments. Do consider talking to your mom at some point, you will need to tell her. Who knows, maybe she'll be supportive. But also look into therapy for yourself, these situations are traumatizing, and I can't imagine the added stress of pregnancy being thrown into it. I understand he's your ex, but as you said, it's more about you wanting him to be around for the baby versus your relationship, and it sounds like he's just trying to ignore it as if it'll go away because he doesn't think he can deal with it. It's childish and ridiculous, you can give him the benefit of the doubt for a while, but remember: After so long this behavior becomes a deliberate conscious choice on his part. --Rae
  13. Absolutely, kayc! Whether or not he loves that baby is not your problem, but his. You don't need his permission to have a child if he willingly participated in the act to make one. If you feel that what he's done/said is unforgivable and that you cannot move on together as a couple, you need to make that decision for yourself. Do not let others guilt you into tolerating someone's poor treatment of you or staying with someone you don't feel will love and protect you (and your child) the way you deserve, as they vowed to the day you were married. I am not saying to leave him, but do weigh your options and seek counseling to give you clarity and figure out what is best for you. Sidenote: My mother stayed with my father after being guilted relentlessly by her family and church members because they were married and had just had a baby, she now admits that even though she loved him, she should have left him after the first time he was caught cheating and ran off on her when my sister was a newborn. She said the only things of value she left that marriage with are her 4 children, and a better idea of a life she did not want to live anymore. She has since gone back to school, has a Masters degree now and is living the life she wanted to live but never got the chance to as a young adult. They were married 16 years, its never too late to start over. To add to your inquiry KayC: I think part of why they behave this way isn't necessarily the loss itself, but the issue is unresolved problems from their past (especially childhood/formative years) that are in some way related to the person they lost. All of our stories have a common thread: the person had underlying issues that stemmed from their upbringing and/or traumatic events from their formative years. Intertwined to this is unhealthy mental/emotional coping mechanisms, habits and lifestyle as an adult, until grief forces them to remove the masks they wear and exposes their true selves. A thread from a girl named Miri exhibited her exes abandonment issues, ambivalence and resentment of his mother that led to him thrusting those burdens unto Miri, then leaving her when his mother died. My ex Tim had the same issues, only with both abusive parents, and it was evident by how he would react with confusion when I wouldn't yell at him if I was upset or we were arguing, and he would say "You're gonna yell at me, aren't you? Why aren't you angry? You should be." Your ex Jim seems to have had similar issues with codependency, and his being an Aspie only exacerbated his struggles. I myself struggled with abandonment, emotional unavailability, codependency and serious anger issues after my grandfather and best friend died, and it nearly cost me my mental health and relationship. My father was an absolute wreck when his adoptive mother passed away and when my mother's dad (my grandfather) passed, but wanted nothing to do with his biological father's funeral and didn't really care much when he passed. There's a commonality among our stories on this forum, it just takes time for us to make peace with it because we love them, and are willing to look past their flaws and glaring red flags. Humans may be seen as unpredictable because their behavior has differing extremes, but much of their behavior pattern itself is predictable because it usually has a cause/trigger/reason, and it is very evident in this forum. Emotions at times may seem illogical, but there is (usually) always an explanation/reason rooted in the cause of said behavior. --Rae
  14. I absolutely agree and could not have said it better. Do not give away your power of autonomy and self-governance to another person (spouse or otherwise). As KayC said, a counselor will help you hash out what YOU want to do going forward, whether or not your husband wants to get on board with your decision is his own problem, not yours. Make the best choice for YOU, as he is already doing what he feels is best for himself without regard to how you feel, or how his cruel words hurt you. --Rae
  15. While both of the situations that brought me here ended in heartbreak, I now consider them to be a positive outcome and "happy ending." Six years ago, just before turning 22, the man I'd been with 7 years, lived with and was engaged to, cheated on and left me for another girl. I was devastated, heartbroken and had to rebuild my entire life from scratch. It took a lot of emotional work to move on from an imagined future that would never be. Two years later, I graduated from college after spending a semester abroad in Scotland and traveling The UK, Spain and France. For me, this was life-altering and made me realize my future was no longer 'ours,' but mine to build in any way I saw fit, and that's exactly what I've done since. Joe and I are friends on FB now, and talk from time to time, I don't hate him anymore. In fact, I'm grateful for him showing me exactly what I did not want in life. Had we married, we'd be miserable and divorcing now. We were both spared this fate. I consider this a "happy ending." I began dating Tim in 2014, he watched me walk the stage as I graduated from college. His father died in Fall 2015, and he shut me out and left me, not once, but twice. Heartbreak once again ruled my life, but on top of that, I was miserable in other ways: my crappy job, unsupportive friends, and lingering, constant loneliness. 6 months after I chose to exit his life, I was offered a job in another State and moved away. It was one of the best things I could've done for myself. Since college I have visited 19 countries solo, I speak 3 languages fluently, and have rebuilt my life on MY terms, without a significant other. I am the happiest I've been since I was under 18 and have gained a lifetime of perspective and wisdom, and I wouldn't change it for a thing. While my romantic relationships may have ended, what I've gained from losing them is more fulfilling than either relationship would've ever been..... I consider my outcome a Success Story & Happy Ending, too. Just like KayC. Just because a relationship ends does not mean the world does. --Rae
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