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Everything posted by Rae1991

  1. First, I am sorry this has happened to you. If you read through most other stories, they are similar when a partner is dealing with grief, mine was. My ex-boyfriend of nearly 2 years blindsided me after his father died. He didn't actually break-up with me, he just disappeared and then came back 3 months later. That was 4.5 years ago and we haven't spoken since. I am grateful he left, it allowed me to move forward with my life, move to a new city and realize that my need for relationships and the guys I was dating, was not coming from a healthy place. First I will tell you, do not reach ou
  2. I echo everything Kayc has said here. I can vouch for all of this, as I have been both the griever and the dumpee of the griever. My ex-fiance, Joe, almost left me (as he was right to do) after I had lost both my grandfather and best friend in the span of a year. I abandoned our relationship, emotionally and otherwise because I didn't know what else to do. I was hurt, confused, lost and severely depressed, and everything else in my life fell by the wayside. I almost lost my job, twice, because I couldn't focus, was constantly distracted or would call-in multiple times a week. I also dropp
  3. Yep. Many people have dated "this person." And you are correct that their damage damages others. Hurt people, hurt people. And yes, the most important things you can do is remember who the f*** you are, and that you had a life before him, and will after him, without his participation or permission. You're an individual and that should never be compromised by or for a relationship. Ironically, the last time I talked to Tim was when we were leaving his apartment to head to work, and he told me he loved me....then stood me up later that night, and I ended the relationship the next day. 2 months l
  4. Edited to add: This guy is doing what I've learned to call a "Temperature Check." Putting the feelers out there with a seemingly innocent "hey how are you?" and seeing what your temperature is: warm and receptive to his "friendliness" aka low-key bootycall, or scalding hot, indifferent and unwelcome. Be the latter. When he comes around for his "temperature checks," do yourself a favor and burn him. If you remain receptive and lukewarm to his "textual advances," they will not stop because now he knows you still have a weak spot he can weasel his way into with words. Don't let him. You woul
  5. This is absolutely true. As with both my two previous committed/long-term relationships, one where I was the griever (though we didn't break up, my behavior damaged our relationship), and then later the dumpee of a griever. These emotional, trust and self-esteem problems were long-standing, only buried and brought to the surface when the hardship of grief exposed them. It was absolutely a barrier, and definitely becomes one when one party emotionally checks out and/or can only go so far in a relationship before their pattern of previous behaviors, such as emotional unavailability or fe
  6. I absolutely agree with this. I also agree with this, except that you probably should change your number if his texts bother you this much. This man is emotionally lazy, manipulative and fishing to see if anyone he casts a signal at will be receptive. He's clearly done this before, as you've explained more than once in your posts from last year. He does not deserve another moment of your headspace or time. And absolutely YES, his attempts to retain you as a friend are absolutely an ego boost for him, if it wasn't, why would he still have close personal relationships with any of hi
  7. This is exactly how I felt when my boyfriend of 2 years left me without explanation in late 2015 after his father suddenly died. He then tried to work things out three months later in 2016, only to disappear again. I cut contact with him after that, haven't spoken to him since and have moved forward. I realized in the months after the same things you have, that for him, love was not a verb, but a self-serving feeling that he didn't feel any responsibility for saying to another person. It was devastating to me because he seemed loving and like any regular great boyfriend should be. But loo
  8. Print this out, frame it and hang it everywhere! You're learning from your experiences and that of others, and that's a great thing. It took me probably 6 months to be able to get where you are, but my apartment got really clean and my workout routine definitely increased, too! Don't feel like a coward, it wasn't you, it was her and you need to do what you feel is best for yourself. If anything, it's a test of one's strength to stop yourself from giving into the temptation of contact, that feeling and rush it gives you is alluring because the one thing you desire is on the other s
  9. This is fantastic. Begging for forgiveness, especially in this context, is not necessary. Giving him space and respecting his boundaries does not guarantee he or his family will show you respect. As stated previously, do not beg for these things. They will either respect you, or they won't, don't hope that they will or think you deserve it from them, because then you're still hoping they will give you something that you may never receive. I completely understand, when my ex Tim ghosted me twice after his dad died suddenly, I felt I deserved (and he owed me) respect from him and an apol
  10. Great advice here. It hasn't happened to me personally, but I know people who ended relationships only to reconcile some years later and stayed together. Time apart will give both of you clarity, and even if you don't reconcile, you won't still be stuck wondering "what if," and still trying to move on. My ex-fiance who I was together with for 7 years and I reconciled as friends almost 5 years after we broke up. He initially said he wanted to try to get back together and that he was sorry for cheating, but by then I no longer felt the same and my only offer was friendship. I had also left
  11. I went through this exact same thing after my ex of nearly 2 years dumped me, twice, after his father suddenly died 4 years ago. I worried about him, constantly for months afterward and neglected my own well-being for a while because I was stuck and unwilling to let go of him. Kayc is right, in that their "needing time" in many ways is a precursor to a permanent breakup. He treated me, for months after we reconciled the first time, like I had done something wrong, even though he repeatedly told me it wasn't me, he loved me and that he didn't want to break up. When he ghosted me the second time
  12. I think it is partial curiosity because he's lost contact with you, guilt and he wants to maintain contact just in case his current situation doesn't work out. That's what Tim did, he missed having access to me, and me being around, he did not miss us or our relationship, and most importantly he did not miss ME. Sure he may still have lingering feelings or curiosity about you, but he's with someone else and has already told you he doesn't want you once, don't give him the option to tell you he doesn't want you a second time. https://youtu.be/9fnOknEFrLU -- Watch this video, this explains
  13. Hi Velvet, I am sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. These situations are never easy to deal with, especially when you did nothing wrong, and this death and the grief that follows has blindsided both of you in different ways. My ex, Tim acted the same way as yours has. Immediately following the death of his father, he stopped contacting me. We had been together over a year by then. He didn't even tell me his father died, his brother did. A week went by before I heard from him, we talked in person, and he said he didn't want to break up, he just needed some time and that he lov
  14. As you said, he's right. You need to work on that. As it goes with the saying, "if they do it once, they'll do it again." Same applies to you. Until you deal with your anger, figure out why you behave like this and work on yourself, you are prone to behaving this way in the future. See here's the thing I think you're missing in our message: His grief has nothing to do with you and you couldn't have done anything differently to prevent his reaction. However, your actions such as getting physical and demanding/begging he stay could very well have led him to his decision. Physical violenc
  15. Hi Kyla, I am sorry you find yourself here, but you are not alone. First off, I am going to address this part here: Physical altercations are NEVER the answer. I understand that you are/were upset, but I do think that therapy may be the best route to understand why in such anger you acted out physically. I am not judging you, simply saying you need to talk to someone about this. I understand how your ex feels. My best friend of ten years killed himself in 2011, 9 months prior to that my grandfather had died, and it was devastating for me, as I wasn't even 21 yet and had a bag full
  16. I second everything Kayc has said here. I don't think I can add anything. My now ex Tim and I had been together about 2 years before his father suddenly died. Like Kayc said, my breakup was like pulling off a bandaid slowly at first, then he ripped it off later. He initially said he didn't want to break up, then ghosted me for 3 months. He said it had nothing to do with me, but he behaved like it did and misplaced his anger at me. In my lifetime I have experienced two massive losses within 12 months, and because I was quite young and had emotional issues, I behaved irrationally and t
  17. Hey Ralph, You sound like you're aware of how you are feeling and your next course of action regarding how to go forward. As Kayc said, grief is complicated. It does odd things to people. My ex ghosted me twice after his dad died suddenly 3.5 years ago, we had been dating almost 2 years by then. I was your age at the time, I am 27 now. At first he said he didn't want to break up, then went silent on me for 3 months before trying to reconcile. It was confusing, heartbreaking and hurtful. You are going about this appropriately, with being on a "break," now is the time to focus on yours
  18. In regards to dealing with your mother and sister, you need to learn to set boundaries within your relationships with them. You cannot allow yourself to continue tolerating their disrespect and picking at your self-esteem for the sake of them being family and your unresolved fears of abandonment that stem from their abuse of you. That's not healthy or fair to you, and you should seriously consider talking to a therapist because its obvious these are deep seated issues from your childhood that you need to work on if you ever want to get better. I know how it feels, my sister used to pick
  19. Everyone has these fears. That they'll always get passed over for others and end up alone. I mean, look at Charlize Theron, she made a statement some time ago about how she's been single for 10 years and that she's tired of being called "intimidating" and that guys need to grow a pair and start asking women like her out. She's right. But it doesn't make dating any easier for her. Tracy's TEDx talk is the one I think most applies to you, she had to learn to sit by her own bed side and hold her own hand. She had to learn to choose and love herself, but she's aware that loving yourself is no
  20. I grew up in this same situation. For some reason, my father has favored our older sister our entire lives, we don't know why. Now it's just straight enabling, shes 32, a dropout and has a child, still lives with our dad and never has a job longer than a few months. He gives her money, buys her cars (shes crashed 4 of them already) and never, ever makes her face any consequences for how she behaves. The rest of us are well-adjusted and normal people with jobs and lives, but their relationship is just purely enabling one another's bad habits. She goes through boyfriends and jobs the way my dad
  21. My thoughts too, Vandal. I haven't spoken to Tim in 3 years, and I am glad. I wouldn't have had anything to say to him after the first few months went by, and by now I am grateful we broke up. When he ghosted me the first time and came back, I already wasn't sure what to say, after the second time and that very same day, the last time we talked he told me he loved me, yeah, nothing left to say. Done. EXACTLY! Tim needed this escape too. I don't doubt that he loved me either, but it became obvious he had emotional problems later on. He wanted to feel normal too, and being in relationshi
  22. I was blindsided as well, by both Joe and Tim. Joe and I had been together 7 years and were engaged and planning a wedding with no date set, too. Were there red flags I shouldn't have ignored or been able to see? Of course. But he railroaded me with the cheating, lying and seemingly overnight revelation that he wasn't in love with me anymore, had felt differently for months and "loved me, but liked her.." I was also blinded by love, and only being 21 at the time I hadn't ever been in a relationship prior so I didn't know what to look for. I am just thankful we didn't actually get married or ha
  23. What Kayc says here, is absolutely correct. Both times, with Tim and Joe, I expected them and felt they had an obligation to treat me with civility, respect, honesty and give me the closure I deserved, neither offered it. Joe and I were engaged, living together and made plans for our future. The last year of our relationship was nothing but lies, deceit and arguments. While I was stubborn at times and didn't always do healthy things, I didn't cheat on him. He lied to me and was running after girls (he was 23, they were 18 or younger) at his job, and used his working hours as an excuse to
  24. As far as your divorce goes, as Kayc said, if the marriage is over and you want out, leave it. But do not get a divorce thinking that this man will come back or that a divorce is the answer to making him act right. A divorce does not change a man. Get a divorce for YOURSELF. Because it's what's best for YOU. My mother stayed with my dad thinking she could help him, fix him and because she loved him, had kids and built a life with him. For 16 years, she tried, but it wasn't good enough and she was left miserable, unsatisfied, "married but single" and wondering if she'd failed as a wif
  25. I would start by if not fully removing him from your social media, at least removing his posts from your feed. Change his name in your phone to something like "Went back to ex" or something like that as a reminder of how he behaved, delete the number or block it all together. It's hard to do at first, but it's necessary. As far as him "talking to you," if he contacts you and YOU feel like talking, let him talk, but do not let him excuse his behavior with "I was just confused, and I didn't know what to do, I still wanna stay friends/in contact/get back together" etc. That's how he keeps y
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