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Rae1991

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Posts posted by Rae1991

  1. On 5/16/2023 at 5:28 AM, kayc said:

    You've come a long ways since then and I'm glad you checked in!  So good that your life is going well and I want to mention that your life going so well is the best revenge (not that you want revenge, it's just a saying) but I love that you're happy and doing well!  

     

    I always say this, even if revenge is not the intended goal (and it shouldn't be). You deserve to be loved, happy, and thriving. First, you give those things to yourself, then find others to share them with, and life continues. THAT is the ultimate revenge.

    💖

    • Like 2
  2. 22 hours ago, kayc said:

    I feel sorry for his wife, she's never known any different, married him when she was 17 or so.  She really is that naive and I don't mean that in an offensive way, it's just how it is.  So sorry for her!  But as long as she has someone who took her in, supporting her, spends time with her, she's okay with it.

    Ugh, what a sad existence that must be. A man who half-assed his way through life, probably didn't treat her well, and used her for his needs while barely meeting hers as he saw fit. And she stayed with him through his dating of several other women and even being engaged to another woman while still legally married. Oof, part of me has pity for her, but she has had plenty of time to learn to do better for herself. That degree of comfort they have with one another and in life, has cost them both immensely as it seems neither of them have anything to show for the lives they've sleepwalked through. I could never.

    I am glad you didn't marry Jim, tbh. It seems he would've sucked the life out of you and been dependent on you to do everything. You're the spirited, loving, energetic go-getter, and he's the bland, flavorless tag-along schlepping behind you hanging on your coattails.

    I know that loneliness can hurt, especially as we get older and life changes so rapidly, but I truly hope you are finding joy in your life, even though this betrayal has absolutely put a strain on it. It is hard to lose not one, but several people in your circle you thought cared for and loved you.

    ❤️

    • Like 1
  3. On 11/4/2022 at 9:03 AM, kayc said:

    Yes and he lived with another woman for a couple of months before we met...he's kept in touch with her over the years, I bet she doesn't know of his "secret" either!

    As I said, he has spent his entire life deceiving women/others for personal gain. You didn't see it because he has had decades to polish his "upstanding gentleman" act. Anyone would've been duped by this, I mean, look at all the people around you who turned a blind eye/didn't know better because he was so "nice" to everyone.

    On 11/4/2022 at 9:03 AM, kayc said:

    But what blows me away is the amount of people he enlisted in his lie, everyone who kept quiet because they thought it not their business or were perhaps thinking it funny!  I mean his whole neighborhood, family, friends, everyone!  Even his daughter's entire wedding party...I mean it's unreal.  And what he taught his children and grandchildren!

    Something a woman called "Chump Lady" wrote to a woman who asked for her advice on how to handle her cheating STB-ex husband: This guy has an empty elevator shaft where his soul should be. He play acts through life, putting on his best performance, face paint, doting dad/husband and all, and when your scene was done, he exited stage left and went about his day.

    ❤️

    • Sad 1
  4. 1 hour ago, kayc said:

    It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that I'd choose such a man (again), and for 13 years thought him upstanding.  I'm blown away at the depth of his deceit, it's been 6 weeks since I talked to him.

    But see, here's the thing. You didn't choose his awfulness, his deceit and lies, his lack of empathy, love or compassion. HE chose you because you are everything he lacks. He pretended for over a decade to be what YOU already are: kind, loving, graceful, compassionate, exuding energy and zest for life. He mirrored you, he's a chameleon, he becomes what the closest thing to him is to gain favor, but eventually the disguise wore off and you saw him for what he is.

    Someone once said: "You always tell women to choose better men, but where are these men? How can she choose better if the men that are readily available don't have anything to offer her and aren't who they say they are? That's like telling her to go to a 5-star steakhouse, pay for a steak, and be served cold McDonald's. Then y'all have the audacity to tell her she should be grateful. Y'all are talking out of both sides of your mouth. If you want her to choose better, how about becoming a better choice."

    I would say this is a one-off, but there are millions of women who are deceived in dating/marriage by men who masquerade as everything women are/want, only to reveal their truth after they've been with the women for months/years. This lack of integrity and proper character is not your fault. Though I know from experience, it's hard to not beat ones self up for not seeing this sooner. As I said before, all you can do is treat yourself with love, grace, compassion and forgiveness, something that men like Jim do not deserve from you. Men like this will spend their entire lives deceiving and traumatizing women due to issues that have nothing to do with the women themselves.

    Your ability to love openly, trust, and be a kind, compassionate, caring person is not a reflection of the men you've dated. Their inability to love you or reciprocate partnership is who THEY are, not you.

    ❤️

     

    • Like 1
  5. On 10/23/2022 at 6:21 AM, kayc said:

    No part of this is easy, I am still mourning what I thought was 13 years of friendship, it's been two months since she told me, a month tomorrow since he did.  I am so beyond blown away!  How I meant nothing to him, how deceptive they all were but especially it's his to carry!  People are so dismissive if I tell them, like you can wave a magic wand and it's just over with, yet it's not that easy...all but the getting over it, the carrying it out part.  My heart is heavy and hurting.

    I am sorry, Kay. Of course people are dismissive of pain and grief....until it happens to them, then you are the insensitive one. Oh, the irony.

    I think it has to do with not being taught to regulate ourselves emotionally, to have empathy and compassion for ourselves so many lack it for others, or to confront the heavy stuff like grief and death.

    Anyone who can just "move on" from such deep hurt and betrayal like it didn't affect them is not right emotionally. These are also extremely uncomfortable topics to talk about and many would rather just not. I don't get it, or people who say such dismissive things.

    Of course it hurts, he betrayed and deceived you on every possible level one could. The people who are dismissive towards you may not be equipped or ready to deal with their own fear and pain. I feel for you because, even though I didn't know him for nearly as long, my ex acted the same towards me and I get the inkling he and Jim are the same kind of man because the details you describe are just too similar. The man I agreed to be in a relationship with, after being friends for nearly 3 years, was not the man he turned out to be. It's obvious I never knew him, as I was friends with who he wanted to portray himself as, not his true self.

    Both of these men are rotten onions, their deceit is layered, thick, and rotten to the root, beneath a seemingly healthy exterior layer.

    Don't let people convince you that your feelings aren't valid simply because they're an inconvenience to others. Anyone who goes through so much heartache would be just as dizzy, confused and heavy as you.

    If these men have anything, it's the audacity.

    I pray you are doing everything you can to treat yourself with grace, compassion and forgiveness. Things these men absolutely do not deserve.

    ❤️

    • Like 1
  6. On 10/4/2022 at 8:06 AM, kayc said:

    Yesterday he called...I didn't answer.  Or it could have been his wife.  Either way, I'm done.  I'm still stunned at this level of betrayal.

    UGH. OF COURSE HE DID. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. Sounds like my ex: Delusional and so lacking in empathy and self-awareness, it is utterly astounding they've had any relationships. They may have been long-term relationships, but it doesn't mean they had substance, connection, or were fulfilling for the partners.

    It truly scares me that there are so many people who just schlep through life on auto-pilot damaging and hurting people, being so self-absorbed and oblivious to how their behavior effects others.

    You deserve better, and I am glad you know and believe that. ❤️

    • Like 1
  7. On 9/24/2022 at 6:40 PM, kayc said:

    Last night Jim called...and confirmed what Deeta (his wife) already told me a month ago.  Wow.  EVERYONE in his family, friends, neighbors, they ALL kept up the charade!  I really feel duped and betrayed!  We met June of 2009, even went to the same school together in Junior High, but not in High School, he was two years younger than me so I didn't remember him. 

    I mean the neighbors he knew for over 30 years, "mom and dad," his grown kids, I even went to his daughter's wedding!  Deeta was there, didn't say a thing.  His granddaughter.  His roommate.  Everyone.  His daughter called me when he was in the hospital years later and said I was the only one he asked for!  We remained friends after the breakup, all these years.  

    I mean, wow.  I don't know anyone who has ever been duped so bad...

    I am just blown away.  Not that I ever held out hopes for us becoming anything, but I thought we were friends.  I never dreamed he'd deceive me to this extent.  He even went to church with me the entire 14 months we were together.  Unreal.  I don't see any point in it!  

    My dear Kay, I am so sorry for you. Even 12 years on, what he did to you is unconscionable.

    He founded your entire relationship, and friendship, on false pretenses. The people around him who knew and didn't bother to have the respect for you to say something, are as lacking in integrity as he is. This man is not your friend. No one who cares for you would do this. One just doesn't simply forget they are legally married while engaged to someone else. I have a feeling that grief wasn't the only culprit in his breaking up. But to then string you along as a friend for 12 years and still keep this secret? Who does he think he is?!

    I don't mean to be of offense, but it is clear now he never intended to marry you. The audacity, the arrogance, to propose marriage and play the part of fiance, while still married to someone else knowing you are lying. His being on the Spectrum is not an excuse either, he knows better, and that's why he lied. Do not make excuses for him, he did this consciously, and so did everyone around him who knew. That is a level of deceit I cannot even fathom. You are right to be gobsmacked and feel betrayed, because his betrayal began the day he entered into a romantic relationship with you before getting his prior affairs in order. I hope you can heal from this betrayal, as you have before. There is no way you could have known. NONE of what he/they did was your fault.

    Rae

    • Like 1
  8. 14 hours ago, kayc said:

    I just got the news last night that Jim and Deeta never divorced...that means I was engaged to a married man!  I was shocked, felt very betrayed, stunned, all these years later!!!  But this came from Deeta, she's not the brightest, haven't heard Jim's take on it, he definitely told me he'd been divorced two years at the point we met.  She said they're having their 50th on 1/19/23.  All a moot point right now but still, I'm shocked!

    Ugh, how awful of him to deceive you like that if it is true. All that time you spent with him and he still kept life-altering secrets. You are right to be shocked, even now. You are right to feel betrayed because that's exactly what he did: betrayed you. Your entire relationship was founded on a lie that would have come to head when you began filling out marriage paperwork and planning the wedding. Even if he had come clean about it before you got married, how could you trust him after that? I wouldn't be able to as that is a huge breach of trust and an offense that would end in an indefinite break-up.

    The things people will say/do to keep up appearances and the lies they tell their loved ones so nonchalantly, are shocking. It makes it hard to want to date/get into a relationship again. You deserve better than he could offer, and I hope that you know his lying to you to maintain a relationship is not your fault and that there was no way you could have known.

    Do what you need to process that information, if it is true I would cut ties with him, even as a friend. Regardless of what you do, continue to take care of yourself and enjoying life.

    • Like 1
  9. On 6/1/2022 at 6:50 AM, kayc said:

    I know many fundamentalists that are not this way, so it's not that it's a fundamentalist teaching but how these individual's mindsets are.  I am a fundamentalist but treat all with respect and do not see someone as higher and someone as lower, it's important to first value ourselves!  By valuing, I don't mean elevating, huge difference.

     

    I do as well. One of the churches near my condo are quite community involved. They run food drives and pantries, fed families during the pandemic, support social justice initiatives and have female-led services too, and there are several devout families who attend. There are also rural Menonites and Amish in the surrounding counties and they have always been kind when I interacted with them. You are absolutely correct, his toxic family, childhood church and associates may be where he learned these things, but he is well old enough to find the tools, therapy, church communities and resources to do better for himself, he just chooses not to because lying and pretending to be someone else is easier and doesn't require any real effort, self-awareness or work.

    However I do wonder sometimes, how exhausting, pitiful and burdensome faking your way through life must be, and what these people's lives would look like if they actually took risks and put true effort into themselves and their character. I have let go of many friends who behaved as such and admittedly, in my teens and early 20s I acted like this regarding my social circles because I wanted to be liked and didn't know better. I was about 24 when I began realizing that none of these people were actually my friends, they were just bar buddies and transients looking for people to use. I started looking for authenticity and honesty in all my relationships after some hard therapy sessions, and I got these solid friendships by being authentic myself after realizing that being liked by people isn't worth my self-respect or boundaries. I have a much happier life as a result.

    --Rae

    • Like 1
  10. 3 hours ago, kayc said:

    Oh wow.  Lucky this one got away! 

    Rae, I've always had the utmost respect for you, you're very intelligent and not just your IQ, but even more importantly, your ability to be introspective and have common sense...I've seen highly intelligent people lacking in that department.  I also applaud your seeking help, so important!  Lord knows I've been to much counseling/therapy in my life!  The wise person knows to seek help when they need it!  It is good to hear from you again! 

    I am friends with Jim still (now "Jim & Deeta" (again)...I truly like and care for him but it wouldn't have been a good match and I don't feel the desperation to have someone in my life that I once did...I've lived alone 17 years, I can continue to if that's how it goes. ;)  I've learned the limitations some people come with and enjoy the bits to them I can without feeling the need for more.  Toxic exes I can do without completely!

    Oh wow!  No comment needed here!

     ew throw up GIF

    I hear that. It's funny because he grew up in a fundamentalist Evangelical church, and married into a fellow family. He claimed a few years prior to his divorce that he began to disillusion himself with these beliefs and wanted to be a better, kinder, more loving Christian. What better way to do that than cheat on your wife with a fellow Married "Christian" woman? LOL. He claims he didn't, but as I wrote before, it's obvious he did/was by his behavior and how he treated her/spoke about her later into our relationship.

    He claimed in the several years since his divorce before we got together, he had found a more open, accepting Church that was welcoming to all races, treated women with respect, and by going was un-learning all the toxic beliefs his parents/church/ex-wife displayed. The reality is, once you got to know him better/date him (unfortunately for me), you realize he is still very much a fundamentalist and has not done an ounce of work to undo those beliefs, he just talks a big game and pretends like he respects women, cares about equality, and other social issues. Nah, he's a giant fake who plays the part for social currency. Again, going back to the whole desperately needing to appear as a "Good Guy" so no one believes he's actually racist, misogynist and doesn't even like women, and thinks he's above others. I've not met a loving, kind, genuinely upstanding Christian who behaves the way that he does. When I called him out, he accused me of just hating Christians, which I found hilarious. This man has such little respect for himself he can't even respect his fellow church goers. Yuck.

    I'm so glad I found this forum, you Kayc and Marty, along with the contributions of fellow members has given me entire new perspectives about people, grief, and how each person's process is different. You have always been a light on this forum, Kayc. Replying to each post with your kind, experiences and life wisdom. You're doing work that few would enjoy or do at the extent, and us fellow members are grateful you encourage us to share and offer us your nuggets of love and compassion in return. 

    --Rae

    • Like 2
  11. Just thought I would leave a quick update here, one year later. Feel free to laugh along as you read this, I certainly did when reading the letter he sent.

    He felt the need to reach out and write me essentially, a Dear Jane letter "explaining" how WE were both at fault for the things that went wrong...yes, let's all laugh together. Nothing has changed. He is still the exact same person he was when I refused to continue being "friends." I am not at all surprised by this, and frankly, I couldn't care less about him or his life. In this letter, he droned on about how kind I was, and how he's glad he met me and hasn't forgotten me and wishes we were still friends because his son still asks about me. He made no effort to atone for a single thing he did or his lack of effort, lies, or abusive behavior. The only thing I did wrong was not dumping him and cutting him off sooner because I cared about him as a person and believed the lies that he was actually making an effort and progress in dealing with his mental health and problems. This letter alone is proof he has not done a single bit of work to take accountability for any of his behavior through his life, including how he treated his marriage, how he treats his ex-wife and son, or his beliefs that women/relationships are objects for his pleasure and fulfillment.

    He even had the guts to say that he was "heartbroken" over my miscarriage (what a load of sh*t), and that "I still wonder what that baby would've turned out like because you would've made a great mother." (Ew, Barf) This is the same man who I believe got me pregnant on purpose by stealthing (intentional removal of the condom without the partners consent or knowledge, it is illegal in several countries and states) and/or poking holes in condoms, and then blamed me for the miscarriage and said he didn't care and wanted it all to be over so we could "move on and just be friends again." I know (through his own admission while we were together) that he didn't even want the child he has, and that he felt obligated to have one to fix his marriage. I firmly believe he had a baby so she couldn't get away from him, and he'd always have someone to blame for his behavior/use as an emotional punching bag. I believe he was going to do the same thing to me and sadly, probably will with other women too. I am glad I had a miscarriage, I would NEVER willingly have a baby with such an awful, cruel, ugly person. He is already a terrible, physically present but absent father to the child he has, and he believes he's a great dad, as he said his son is doing "better than ever now that I'm going to therapy again" LMAO.

    The rest of the letter was just him blubbering on about how great our friendship was, sprinkles of scripture he believes justify his actions and how God has forgiven him, and how well he's doing now. He even went so far as to assert that God would help us mend our friendship one day. I haven't contacted him since I told him I was shocked to find out I was both pregnant and miscarrying about a year ago. He is blocked on every SM channel I have and I put a block on his number through my phone company within days of our last conversation. I have no desire whatsoever to reconnect with him and he will not be getting a response. My therapist and I read this letter together, and had a good laugh about it, and then talked about how I felt hearing this word salad of braggadocious fakery and nonsense, and I asked her to keep it on file just in case he tries anything further. His refusal to atone for a single thing he said/did, and gaslighting, bragging nature of this sad excuse he calls writing, was the ultimate seal that I absolutely made the right decision to never re-engage, and that my gut feeling something was off, doubts, and questions about our friend/relationship were on point: He lied to me from Day 1 about who he was, and he knew exactly what he was doing regardless of his past experiences and traumas, he went from the abused to the abuser. Now, he's just doing "damage control" again hoping to tug at me so I will forgive him, as he tried doing last year with his insistence our friendship was stronger than everything he'd done and he and his son needed me because I helped him be better (ew, double barf). I feel as though he desperately needs to believe he's the "Good Guy" that he portrays himself as to the World, even though he is the opposite. I don't believe his is capable of truly loving, or caring about another person. The only good thing he ever did for me was dump me, so I had an excuse to run for the hills.

    In speaking with several friends and 2 therapists, some concluded he may be Bipolar, Borderline, on the Autism spectrum, a narcissist, etc. I don't know for sure, and never will. Regardless of diagnosis or lack thereof, it is NOT your job to accept on-going bad behavior, disrespect or abuse from anyone and call it love. You are not a free therapist or punching bag, you are their partner/loved one/friend. If they cannot treat you with the respect and love you deserve and require to maintain a relationship, get as far away from them as possible and do not re-engage. You deserve better than they can give you.

    This is your reminder to never re-engage or rekindle a relationship with someone who has done nothing but lie, betray your trust and abuse you (even if unintentional). You deserve better than the relationship your ex gave you, even if they left you because a loved one died and you can empathize with their trauma/past/grief, whatever. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN TO BE ABANDONED BY A PERSON WHO CLAIMS TO LOVE YOU. ABANDONMENT IS NOT LOVE.

    In my case, he didn't abandon me as he was never present in our relationship to begin with, he just pretended to be. He set me free from a future of chains, imprisonment, misery and abuse disguised as "love." I wish I had never met him. I realize that our entire friendship was all about his selfish need for constant external validation, beliefs that he isn't responsible for himself and doesn't need to do better, he just needs to apologize and keep on; and the "right woman" will submit happily to his desire for control and fulfill all his needs. He uses his religious beliefs to justify his behavior, as he grew up being taught that women are objects for male consumption, and their only duty is to please their husband, and that God designed relationships to be this way.

    Hope this helps. Having the laugh with my therapist was certainly cathartic, as I haven't talked or thought about him in quite some time now. I have done my best to forget he exists, and it seems as though I have succeeded in that considering he wrote me a letter to remind me of his sad existence LOL. I hope you all get to a point in your healing where you can earnestly laugh about these experiences, even though the pain and anguish you feel in the moment is real. The best revenge is a life well-lived.

    --Rae

    • Like 1
  12. 6 hours ago, Olivia19 said:

    Thank you all for your replies. I really do appreciate it! I know what I ultimately need to do although it doesn’t make it any easier. Luckily I have a lot of self control so I know for a fact I will not contact him. 
     

    I just can’t believe how he just switched. If anything I thought we were closer than ever in those first 3 weeks. We were friends before anything else and I would never treat him let alone one of my friends like this. None of it makes sense but I’m not about to stick around.

    Like I said in my post I’ll be moving back to another country again. The more I think about this situation and in fact everything the more I realise I deserve better and this is just not it.
     

    Just need to get over this initial sad stage..

    I am glad you are coming to this realization, even though the breakup hurts regardless. I hate to say it but it's the truth: People who behave like this and expect nothing but kindness, love and empathy from others, don't deserve it from us. You can empathize with them while not allowing them to continuously hurt you with their crap behavior. My ex, the one I wrote about a few months ago, tried using his kid, tears and lying to garner sympathy from me so I wouldn't leave him, as we were friends and had known one another a few years before dating. Who he portrayed himself to be as a friend and how he acted as a partner were two entirely separate people. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

    While grief, trauma and hurt may cause people to do strange things, it does not mean we have to sit there and collect bullets from them every time they choose to lash out, ignore us, or say things they know hurt us. Stop allowing yourself to be a target for his poor behaviors. It really sucks knowing that they would treat you so horribly for no reason, but expect you to just put up with it and still treat them with kindness and love. It's selfish, it's manipulative, and it is not acceptable.

    When the pandemic is over I will more than likely be moving countries again as well. I always remember a quote by a guy named Ron B on this forum in Miri's thread from a few years ago: "Walking away is in it's own way an act of love. You walk away not just to spare yourself from anymore hurt, but because it's the right thing to do for them." He had a few posts in that thread that were wonderful, and I reference them whenever I am going through a situation like this.

    You DO deserve better than this. You are not selfish for doing what you want and what is best for YOU. He has already done so for himself, and been selfish in expecting you to wait for him. It's not selfish, it is basic self-care in not allowing yourself to be a convenience for him. Never let him or anyone else tell you different. Do not put yourself on clearance or layaway for love or a relationship. If he isn't going to be present, show up and love you as you deserve to be NOW, he doesn't get the privilege of remaining in your life.

    --Rae

    • Like 2
  13. I am sorry you have found yourself here.

    The best advice I can give you is: DO NOT put your life on hold or wait around until "he is ready" to contact you. He is not thinking about you or your relationship at all, he is only thinking of himself to expect that you will readily answer his call in 3 weeks, or 3 months, or a year from now. He has effectively broken up with you and is trying to keep you on the hook so when he needs comfort, you'll be there waiting to comfort him. I understand you love him, but what about you and what you want? Cut the line, start the grieving process and start moving forward with you life, without him in it. A person who truly wanted to be with you would not dump you just because life got hard. Aren't you angry he disrespected and discarded you so swiftly? I am angry for you at such blatant disrespect. A partner should turn to their spouse in times like this, not run away from them. You deserve better than to be his convenience "when he is ready." Let him "feel like crap" on his own, as that is what he has chosen in his decision to leave you. He is no longer entitled to your time, love, comfort or compassion because you are no longer his girlfriend. He made this decision, now he has to live with the consequences, one of which is not having you in his life.

    Delete his socials from yours, his messages and number too, and when you are ready, put all the stuff he gave you into a box and out of sight and after a while get rid of it. Go back to your life/friends/hobbies or find new ones, as he has effectively done the same in telling you he doesn't want to speak with you. "When he's ready" doesn't mean anything, he straight up told you he isn't interested in continuing contact at all. I hate to say it, but it's what is best for you and not speaking to him will help you move forward. You said yourself you are not sure you have what it takes to wait around for him, that's your gut telling you you deserve better than how he treated you; listen to it. Do not wait around for him to contact you, in time, you will understand and realize that HE needs to be the one to work to get you back, if he's not going to do that, he has no reason to contact you and does not deserve to have you in his life. Who knows, in 6 months you may not even want him anymore. Please do not give him the impression that you are waiting by the phone, as he knows you're still on his hook and may use that to manipulate you into doing what he wants, as both my exes that I wrote about on the forum tried to do.

    In the mean time I would suggest going to a support group if you can find one, or a local therapist to help you work through all the confusion and feelings you have about this situation. Find books to read, or a language you want to learn, a new hobby you want to try, if you're in school focus on that, volunteer if you want, find things to do that you enjoy and keep yourself busy, as you will be prone to overthinking and ruminating for a while. It may take a few weeks or months, but the thoughts will subside in time. You will get through this, and whether or not he comes back around shouldn't stop you from living your life.

    I just hope you understand that you did nothing to cause this, it is not your fault, and you have no reason to feel guilty for expecting him to treat you better. He has chosen to disrespect and break up with you, you have no reason to feel guilty for not waiting around for him. He shouldn't expect you to and it is unfair of him to hold you to that expectation while keeping you on the hook with empty promises and maybes.

    -- Rae

    • Like 2
  14. On 7/14/2021 at 8:10 AM, ipswitch said:

    There was a famous person who when interviewed was asked about the fact there was no 'partner' in his life. He said he had a lot to offer a lot of people, but really not much to offer to one person. 

    From the sounds of it, your ex had a lot of issues going on. I'm not sure from the sounds of it he meant to betray you. The exception would be about the part about "we can still be friends." That always sounds self-serving - at worst a set-up for booty calls or FWB, at best patting one's self on the back so mutual friends can be assured that one really is supportive and a nice person. I know exactly one person who remained friends with her ex-husband, and she thanked him on Facebook for supporting her through her cancer treatment. It does happen - occasionally. Bringing the child up was a dick move, though. 

    Your story is the reason living together before marriage isn't a test that always works. If (like your ex) you don't have it in you to live with another human day in and out, one needs a way to end things civilly then go your separate ways. How fortunate you two never lived together. Undoing that would have been messy, indeed.

    You are right, his untreated mental illness isn't his fault and I understand that. The emotional abuse and child-like antics may be a side effect of it, but it also demonstrates to me that to some degree, he was fully aware of what he was doing. He lied about a number of things that it just doesn't seem logical to lie about, made weird misogynistic comments about women only wanting him for his salary and "high intelligence" (he doesn't have wealth, only debt and he is not that smart tbh), but that could also be the deep self-hatred and low self-worth talking to make it seem like he's more desirable than he really is. Still, does not make it right. After the regular lies, dismissals, betrayal and details I won't mention that Kayc knows about, there is no chance of reconciliation or friendship. I know he self-sabotaged, acted out and has attachment issues as well, my therapist confirmed that after more sessions. He is supposedly in therapy, but even while we dated, I wasn't sure he was being honest. Truthfully, I was going to sit down and try to talk to him one last time about his behavior and if nothing was to come of it I was going to walk, but he dumped me before I could so I just walked away because it became clear he didn't care, or at least, did a great job of acting like he didn't. I started getting really heavy "Nice Guy" vibes from him and realized that how he was acting was him on his best behavior, and that was eye-opening for me.

    I got the gist as well that his need to "still be friends" was a mixture of exactly what you stated and for him to use me as an emotional dumping ground/punching bag when things don't go his way with other women/his life. And, to show me off like cattle at an auction to demonstrate to other women how worthy he is because he's still great friends with his beautiful, charismatic, kind, "cool" ex-girlfriend and that they should want to date him because he's so amazing (but we're gonna gloss over all his issues, emotional blackhole and selfish, abusive behavior because he's such a cool, nice guy!) I refused to let him violate/push yet another of my boundaries and act like it wasn't an issue. The real end came for me when he behaved as though he had done nothing wrong and that I should just be okay with it because everyone acts like this and he's such a great friend I had no reason to be upset with him. That's when I realized he was absolutely void inside and had zero emotional capacity or intelligence. I don't dislike or hate him, mostly it's just pity now. Pity that he's trapped, too proud to ask for or seek help or be vulnerable, so afraid of life that he's closed himself off from it and giving/receiving love. It's a sad, lonely way to exist.

    You are right, I am grateful I know better than to just move in with someone on a whim. Thanks for your perspective. :)

    --Rae

    • Like 2
  15. 2 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

    Hey, @kayc. I have went through and delivered the orders myself yesterday to my ex's sister's house. The sister and I had a 15 minute talk and we talked about my ex, and our relationship. My ex and her family couldnt come so I was only attended by the sister. Anyway here's the story:

     " I went through my ex's sister's place today to drop off the orders. Unfortunately my ex and her family couldnt come but me and the sister had a 15 minute conversation.

    As I approached their front door, the eldest son was in the door and took their orders and I asked him where is their mother and he said she's coming down. As soon as the mother saw me I could literally hear the enthusiasm in her voice how happy she was to see me. She told me that she cant let me in because her husband is still recovering then we proceeded to talk at their porch. 

    I asked her how is the husband now and she answered my question. Then the topic shifted to me and my ex's relationship which she opened by she feels sorry for us that we couldnt make it work - which I agreed to. She told me that my ex has literally shut down everyone in their family, she doesnt go out and socialize, she stays in her room most of the time, she only has one best friend to keep her company, she resigned from her job and is trying to start a clothing business now.

    I explained my side to the sister on why we couldnt make it work - I told her that it was confusing for me because it was my first time to handle such situation in a relationship but I tried my best to work it out with the knowledge I had in the time. 

    The sister then said that when their family members started noticing that I wasnt around that much, they were asking her questions about me like " where's emman? " " why is emman not coming?" " how is emman?" " are you still friends with emman? " " do you still follow his instagram?" etc.. And she answers them with a short answer but she easily get irritated if she's asked the same question frequently. 

    The sister also told me that she told my ex that I was the best/right boyfriend for her but it was sad that we couldnt make it work.

    She then told me that at the end of this year, my ex and her family are moving out of their current house (the half-siblings won the case for the property of their house) which is a huge blow to my ex because she grew up in that house and now they'll be leaving it at the end of the year. 

    The sister told me that until now my ex still shuts down some of their family members, still doesnt go out to socialize, always in the house most of the time. And now since they dont have a helper in their house, my ex always does the house chores but obviously she cant do that forever. 

    The sister is really worried for her and then she told me that maybe I could give my ex a message and try to talk to her - (I repeated what she said in a question statement) I asked her if she thinks its alright to message my ex and she said absolutely. Even tho just as a friend please talk to her - she said.

    She then asked me how I was doing then I told her that Im still in school, doing a business now, I added that Im planning to compete for body building next year (which she wow'ed to), and I told her that I still play the guitar. 

    After a while we still had a talk about my ex, we then took a picture and she said that she'll be sending our picture to my ex or my ex's mom. 

    Before I left I told her that I was the one who cooked and she was surprised to it, she told me that if they like it they'll be ordering again and she added that my ex might go to their house next week so she said that next Sunday maybe I could come (at least thats how I interpret what she said) and I said sure just let me know if you want to order again.

    She then accompanied me back to my car, told me that Im in Ive lost weight and I told her that she did too. Before I said my goodbye, I took her hand and blessed it (its a Filipino tradition of giving respect or as we call "Mano po") and I walked to my car.

    The sister told me to keep in touch which I smiled to. As I entered the car, she was still standing at their yard, she waved at me first then I waved back and thats when I left.

    Honestly man, Im considering to leave my ex a message. I feel sorry for her. Ive constructed a message in ny head already. But whats your opinion on my story man? "

    After this I dropped my ex a message on messenger and we had a really small talk. 

    I told her " Hey! I was at your sister's house earlier. I was looking forward to see you unfoetunately you couldnt come. Anyway, I was just checking up on you. I hope youre doing well"

     

    Which she replied with: " Hello! I heard, congrats on your new venture! Just a bit sick that why I didnt go. Hope youre doing well too. "

    And I replied with: " Thanks! It was mentioned to me that youre also planning to start your own clothing line - thats great! You got my support.

    Thanks! Hope you recover soon. And hey, if you ever need a friend, you can always talk to me. "

    And she lastly replied with " Thanks! Stay safe :)" 

    and I didnt reply after that. 

    Any thoughts?

    I think you did well in keeping things light and casual with everyone in the family that you spoke with. So good job with that. How did the interaction feel? Did it bring back any unpleasant feelings or send you back into a spiral of missing her?

    Remember, you have no obligation to them/her nor them to you so you do not need to stay in contact with them or care about what they think/feel about you. However I am sure it was validating to know that her family cared for you, just don't let this send you back into your grief cycles.

    --Rae

    • Like 1
    • Upvote 1
  16. 21 hours ago, kayc said:

    Oh man, Rae, AMEN to all of that!  I have learned in the last 11 years I've been alone that I am valuable, just ME, alone!  If I am ever with someone in the future, (and I have set the bar high...you can't set it high enough by my way of looking at it!...we DESERVE to have people of character, value, morals, compatible beliefs, great sense of humor, and must love dogs!) I will not bow/cow to them or have to change myself to be with them, they will love me as I am, just like George and I did!  

    Thank you for this. I am honestly embarrassed I dated him at all. He is not a man, but a broken child pretending to be a man who breaks women down to feel good. Absolutely repulsive.

    • Like 1
  17. Just thought I'd leave a quick update here:

    It has been 7 weeks and I can confidently say I want nothing to do with him, no longer care for him and don't even respect him. In speaking with 2 different therapists, they confirmed what I was thinking: 1. He was 100% emotionally abusing me and trying to break me down 2. He is deeply unstable, probably untreated Bipolar or something similar and has attachment issues and unresolved childhood trauma 3. He is a perpetual Peter Pan "man" who refuses to acknowledge his wrongdoings, take responsibility for himself, mature and grow up or deal with his problems. He wants to be taken care of by a woman and uses his sympathy-seeking "victimhood" beliefs and self-fulfilling prophecies to perpetuate his feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. I refused to take care of him in the way he wants: a live-in mother he can sleep with. 4. He is well aware of and knows what he is doing, though he attempted to throw me off of it by feeding me sob stories and throwing himself pity parties. How can you respect someone who does not respect themselves and tries to make everyone else, namely women, perform their emotional labor work? Simply put, you cannot. Relationships and dating cannot be founded on sympathy and sob stories if you expect them to be healthy, functional and long-term.

    His behavior made it impossible for me to respect him as a man or continue being attracted to him during the relationship. I realize now that I was in love with his representative, the person he claimed to be to draw me in: Confident, secure, funny, interesting, sharing of goals and values, actively working on himself/his issues, etc. A common tactic abusers and otherwise unsuitable people use to draw in well-adjusted, secure people. I knew I wanted out and had gotten fed up by 3-4 months in, but felt emotionally stuck and in denial because of how often he'd oscillate between being normal, loving and kind, to going into strange states of mania and being dismissive. I was not physically attracted to him, he has nothing to offer a relationship or potential mate, and even if he did is too stingy, untrusting and does not understand reciprocation in relationships. I was absolutely settling for him because I thought he was a good guy and friend, so I gave him a chance. That was my biggest mistake because I let our friendship cloud my judgement. I think he is truly incapable of love and does not understand functional relationships. After a while, he began making jabs at me, was selfish, self-centered, constantly negative and all around just a poor, incapable, controlling and abusive partner. He was also attempting to triangulate me with his ex-wife whom he claimed to hate yet was always comparing me to, and his married best friend (she's wonderful) whom I believe he is obsessed/in love with and is waiting around for her to leave her family for him (she won't).

    He "dumped me" as a test of my loyalty and to see if he had ground my self-esteem down far enough that I would beg for him. He didn't touch my self-esteem at all because I did not allow it, I shut his jabs down at every turn, and it bothers him that I have self-worth while he doesn't and he wants what I have, so he attempted to take it. I dumped him for real the following day, simply by saying "I deserve someone who is 100% in, you're not up to my standards. Have a life..." To be completely honest, I am actually embarrassed I dated him at all because of how terrible he treated me and his obvious lack of self-worth.

    It is not your job to fix, placate or otherwise uplift people who are incapable and unwilling to do it for themselves. RUN AWAY from people like this. They will only drain you. Mental illness or unresolved trauma of any sort does not justify abuse or taking advantage of your partner. They will not believe they have done anything wrong to you. Stop explaining, stop ruminating, stop giving them chances to change, they will not change, just go to therapy and move on with your life. Leave these lacking, miserable people in the dusty pits of misery they choose to live in. Misery loves company and so does confusion, and that is all these people will give you. Do not be cruel, or do what they are doing to you, understand that their behavior is not about you, but it is how they relate to the world and is all they know; simply walk away with your life intact. You can empathize with their struggles, but that does not mean you should entertain them, it will only validate how they behave. Hold firm in your boundaries and walk away.

    --Rae

    • Like 3
  18. On 4/29/2021 at 3:47 PM, selena1988 said:

    Hi everyone, 

    Not sure if anyone here remembers me from last year. I believe that my last post was related to me meeting up with my (now) ex-boyfriend in late January. 

    Now, looking back, I understand that there were many signs of what was coming, I just forced myself to be patient and understanding, but even if you love someone so much, you have a limit. Me meeting up with my ex again made me indeed realize that he changed as a person.

    Although I was the one who pulled the plug, I'd say it was kind of a mutual decision. I felt bad for doing that, but if this time in my life did teach me anything it must be that you can't grow a healthy relationship with anyone if they're not happy. I'm not saying we should be at the top of our game all the time, but I truly feel there is a difference between how I handled my grief and my ex ended his. Three months in I still think about the what ifs, but I also understand why I'm better off without him, and I'm kind of okay with that. 

    At times I feel a physical loss might have been easier to accept, because I believe some parts of me will always grieve the pieces he left behind. All the promises, the beliefs, the values I thought we shared, they were only there during our good times.

    Time and time again after the break up he has portrayed nasty nabits, however I decided to keep him around. Well, not anymore. I wanted a friendship with him, but I realize that every time he lets me down, even as a friend, I feel disappointed. 

    The only good thing about keeping him around for so long is that I've seen enough to not feel too bad about it. 

    To quote my coach "Believe someone when they show you who they are." 

    My thoughts go out to everyone who feels hurt because their support wasn't appreciated. Their love wasn't recognized the way it should. Their hopes were smashed. It's heartbreaking. I always used to believe in the saying "if you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. " In my opinion true, but only to some extent. In the end, the one at their worst need to try to heal so everyone around them don't bleed. 

    In the next couple of days I'll stop using my Norwegian number anymore. That's the end of his chapter and the beginning of mine.

    Nothing hurts more than being in a place where one's not appreciated. Where one's care is considered a burden. If that's how they feel, give them what they want. 

    Like I told my friend the other day "Why prioritize soneone in my life when they clearly don't appreciate it?" Even as a friend. It's not like I lack anything in that departement. 

    Getting back on the dating scene has made me understood that no one is unique, and there are people who want things to work. 

    What hurts the most is that I really gave him my all. It will take some time to be able to give all that to someone else, but I know I'll get there one day soon.

    I second this. It has only been 3 weeks for me, and I have already realized that I am better off without him. He was selfish, cruel, made disparaging comments, tried to question my happiness as if it wasn't really there, etc. Their inability to cope has nothing to do with us. I told him something similar when he insisted we remained friends because "thats what he wants": My care and love was considered a burden, why would that change if we remained friends? It wouldn't, you'd still treat me the same and keep me on your hook so you can feel like you have control over the situation, because thats always what it was about: Control. Leaving me before he believed I would leave him, having so little control over much else in his life and having such low self-worth, so he attempted to exert control over the one thing he could, our relationship.

    Even if we had stayed friends, as you said, he still wouldn't have appreciated anything I did for him and would just use me as emotional support until he found someone else to dump his baggage onto. I may start dating again soon, but I will not invest or commit until I see serious investment from the other.

    I am glad you have gotten to this point, as hard as it may have been, you deserve better. To add tho the Maya Angelou quote, something I heard that was added to it by a guy in a YT video: "When someone shows you who they are, don't just believe them, believe them and then act accordingly to your own best interests, not theirs or your relationship with them."

    --Rae

    • Like 1
  19. I know it is hard, but I am glad you did what was best for yourself. Remember, you did nothing wrong here. It is HIM, not you. I have been doing a lot of research on attachment styles as of late because my now exes behavior was just astounding to me. I stumbled upon some Reddit threads about attachment and found hundreds of stories similar to mine. My ex is a Fearful Avoidant, and it explains everything about who he is/how he behaves. He has not done any work on himself to correct this, though in therapy you can work through these avoidant attachment styles. It seems many of our now exes are a mix of the anxious, dismissive and fearful attachment styles.

    I know you shouldn't psychoanalyze people, but for me knowing this about him has helped me realize his breaking up with me was not about me, it is about his inability to understand or deal with his emotions, pain, intimacy and he lacks the ability to self-soothe/regulate. It has also helped me move forward and maintain my boundary that he will never have friendship or any sort of relationship with me in the future.

    I know your situation is quite different from mine, but you will get through this and come out a stronger, wiser and more self-aware person. You deserve more than someone who will abandon you when life gets tough for either of you.

    --Rae

    • Like 2
  20. On 5/5/2021 at 8:31 AM, kayc said:

    Love is a choice.  It doesn't dissolve because things get tough, if anything it should carry you through it.  That he's pulled back shows this is his way of coping and his coping style obviously is not compatible with yours.  I am so sorry you are going through this!  You were there for him, and now he is causing YOU grief!  It's unfair.  Life sure isn't "fair" sometimes!  You can't "make" someone love you, can't "make" them grow up, can't "make" them change their mind!  If there was some abracadabra method for doing so, none of us would have cause to post in this section!  I am so sorry for your pain, it is hard, it hurts, I know, been there!  

    All of this is a process.  It is so abhorrent to us that it's hard to assimilate, let alone process!  Little by little it will begin to sink in to you that this is done, over, kaput, I know that is hard, but I'm not going to give you false hope.  I have read each and every post in here, when it's done, it's done.  There's a certain percentage of people that respond to their grief that way and the trigger for him may well have been his dad's condition, it's similar to my story here, ten years ago.  I want you to know you WILL be okay, but it's a painful process....we have no way to circumvent it but to go straight through it, pain and all, but you will come through it with clarity and strength, I promise you, if you but let it..

    Here I Go Again

     

    I agree completely with Kayc, as I recently experienced my now ex saying something similar to yours, that his feelings have changed, but for different reasons. Love is a choice, and it doesn't dissolve when things get hard.

    On 5/6/2021 at 4:15 PM, Moona said:

    I’m sure it’s a self preservation instinct. I can’t fight for a relationship if he won’t even step into the ring so I can only try to fly away. Then I kick myself at the thought of being so selfish. 

    You are not being selfish when it comes to protecting yourself first, that's what he's currently doing: Protecting himself. You are right here, you cannot fight alone if the other person won't even get into the ring. My now ex, the same thing happened when he felt a tinge of discomfort, he ran away and broke the relationship. The reasons he dumped me were fixable and we could've worked through them, the problem was HE did not want to fight because he doesn't know how to even fight for himself, and has a mountain of personal issues he's not working on that are stopping him, and truthfully, I don't think he knows what love truly is, feels like or looks like because he's never felt or seen it. I know what love is, so I knew better than to waste my time with him any longer.

    You are not being selfish for expecting your partner to treat you with respect and common decency. You are not selfish for performing self-preservation when you are faced with deep hurt, disrespect and mistreatment. Those should be standard.

    Yes, maybe this means it is your chance to go back to school and finish, then pursue a new life path with your career. Psychology was my minor, and I loved Biopsych, my professor was a hoot.

    Hydrate, shower, eat something, even if that's all you can do right now, it's okay. This won't last forever.

    --Rae

     

    • Like 3
  21. 23 hours ago, kayc said:

    I look over the last 10 1/2 years that I haven't dated and I can see why!  I hadn't heard of the Hero-Savior Complex, but that makes sense!  He's probably not aware of it or what he's doing, just reacting how he feels in the moment.

    Years ago my fiance broke up with me without a breakup or discussion, he just "stopped talking about" it, and started seeing others!  I call that cheating in my book.  I moved on.  Years later when I saw him he called me "a rescue operation."  I didn't let him get away with it, I called him out on it!  I told him the hell with that, he wined and dined me, HE proposed to me on bended knee, HE talked about going to Germany to get the family heirloom wedding rings (asked me to go with him!), the truth is he got cold feet, pulled back, dropped me like he dropped the subject, without the benefit of a discussion!  I had to learn to create my own closure, I was 23.  I'd thought he was Mr. Wonderful.  Nope.  He's 79 now and never married, still alone.

    It's amazing to me how many bad eggs one can collect in a lifetime.  I consider myself a great catch, caring, devoted, loyal, hard working, good morals and values...how did I end up with so many heartbreaks?  I attributed it to not knowing how to pick them along with rushing into relationships too quickly.  Not any more!  I'll probably live alone for the rest of my life.  I've only encountered one in all these years that I'd consider and he hasn't shown interest, oh well!  I guess some things aren't meant to be!  All I know is, I've set my bar high and that's okay, I will never again "settle" or try to fit a square into a round hole!

    What I notice in your current situation is, you are astute, you SEE what is happening, you're no dummy!  You're self-aware and you won't let someone BS you, I respect that!

    I wonder about that myself sometimes too, how I ended up befriending/dating so many careless, broken people. I have realized now it's because they want what we have: self-awareness, smarts, confidence, emotional maturity and IQ, and self-respect. As if these things just popped up one day in our lives and we didn't have to work to get them *eyeroll* So instead of doing the work themselves, I've found especially when it comes to men, they are taught and expect the women in their lives to give them these things and do the emotional labor for them in most aspects of the relationship.

    My ex, at 36, has the emotional range of a teaspoon. He is 100% reliant on his feelings in fleeting moments to make massive decisions. He makes snap decisions based on how he feels during fleeting, temporary bouts of emotion. When the feelings are gone, so is he. He chases temporary emotional highs to feel valid and seen. He has no idea how to control himself, and feels it is everyone elses responsibility around him to perform the impossible task of doing his emotional labor work for him and give him what he feels he deserves: validation he is worthy. That, I have concluded, is why he was married. She was the only woman interested in him, he was deeply insecure, confused, young, and felt obligated because they were devoutly religious. So then it became her duty as his wife to make him feel worthy, and she inevitably failed because his worth does not belong to her and he gave her an impossible task. Likewise, she was not receiving from him what she needed to feel loved, heard and respected so she could return those things and neither of them got what they needed or learned how to love. Their marriage was a sad circus that left them both broken and lost. The one who will suffer most is their child.

    "A rescue mission" yeah, he's Mr. Captain Save All the Women. What a hero. *eyeroll* He definitely "saved" them all by leaving them alone so they could find real men. 🤣 Boy bye!

    • Like 1
  22. 14 hours ago, kayc said:

    NO NO NO NO!  He can't always have what HE wants!  Time to put YOU first, to hell with him!  I'm sorry, I feel very strongly about this!  You are right, it IS selfish of him!

    You are an amazing, wonderful, compassionate, SMART woman, anyone would be LUCKY to have you!  You don't need him!  So glad to hear you say the words, 

     

    Thank you, Kayc. You are one of the kindest, most compassionate people I have ever come across. You have helped hundreds of people on this blog with your advice, vulnerability and willingness to share so much of your life with strangers. I commend your depth of empathy and compassion, and ability to get through so much heartbreak and grief. Jim was lucky to call you his, and he should be grateful you've allowed him to stay in your life at all.

    Something I noticed now that I have had time to reflect. He has Hero/Savior Complex. Always looking for validation through helping people and trying to solve their problems, even at great personal cost, so he can feel good about himself. When he offered the guest room, insisted I stayed and then used that as a reason for dumping me, it's exactly that. He saw I was wounded and rushed into help, then when I was "healed" and no longer needed it, felt resentment toward me. One time he said, "If you ever get the chance to move to Italy while we're together, I'd let you go and be happy for you that you are living your best life, and I'd come visit too..." Looking back on it again, Savior "white knight" nonsense. As if he's making some big valiant sacrifice in the name of love *eyeroll* I had my suspicions and looked up the definition and sure enough, almost every marker of it described him in some way. Some of the things he said about "letting me go so I can live the life I need....I deserve better than him.." when we talked F2F absolutely reeked of it too. "I'll never forget you, Rae..." Oh? You mean like how you just 'forgot' your feelings 2 days ago and are now dumping me? Am I supposed to be grateful for that consolation? No thanks, keep it. What a bunch of self-aggrandizing crap. The only thing he was right about is that I DO deserve better than him.

    Ugh, he is a Mt. Everest of issues, most of which he has created for himself, but won't climb the summit and finally get over it. I absolutely dodged a bullet.

    --Rae

    • Like 1
  23. 11 hours ago, MartyT said:

    Rae, my dear, I can only echo what Kay has said in her response to you. You are a decent, mature, sensible, compassionate, dedicated, sincere person, and you deserve so much more than this man is capable  of giving you. Your analysis of him and his issues is spot-on, and I hope the day will come when you can look back on this time in your life with relief and gratitude that you were wise enough to walk away from him. ❤️

    Thank you, Marty. And Kay for your words. I know I will be okay eventually and that I did what was best for myself. I know its no longer my concern, but I feel sad for his son. Both of his parents are proud, broken, stubborn people who feel they don't need to change and their problems will only be thrust unto that boy as he ages. He's bright, kind and spirited and his parents' problems only serve to dull his shine.

    I have already begun to reconcile the relationship and realize that I was set up for failure from the start. I am doing surprisingly well for it only being a week. I think about it sometimes, but I am mostly neutral. No one will ever be good enough for him because he feels unworthy of love. Any relationship or feelings he may have in the future will be short and intense, until he just "turns off" and runs to the next supply of validation he seeks when the one he has gets worn out and exhausted from his needs.

    Thank you guys, truly. For anyone else reading this who is in a similar relationship or situation: This is your sign to walk away. Choose yourself. Your future self will be grateful for it.

    --Rae

    • Like 3
  24. Thanks Kayc.

    What I don't understand is his desperate need to be friends. It is just selfish and completely self-serving, expecting me to cast my feelings and needs aside to give him what he wants. I cannot believe he actually thought I would agree to that because he so easily discarded a relationship he was adamant he wanted for months. He violated so many things, and then acted like his friendship would fix all of it because thats HIS comfort zone. He is confused, deeply insecure and frankly, undeserving of my friendship, time and love. All he is going to do is run through every womans life he dates with a wrecking ball and leave her as damaged and confused as he is. He refuses to confront himself and has basically made his own self-hatred and low self-esteem into an identity, and it was honestly scary seeing the depth of it. I have been where he is and I know you can work through it, but you have to want to, to try and put in the work. He's not ready to, or for a relationship. I believed he was working through it and that's why I stuck with him because everyone has issues and its okay to stick by and support/encourage them if they're doing the work to make themselves better. It's clear he just goes to therapy, but isn't actually doing the work. He could be a good partner, but he actively chooses not to be and stays in his comfort zone of self-hatred and loathing. He told me he's not a good boyfriend and is better as a friend. Uhm, if THIS is your idea of friendship, you're not a good friend either. He's not a bad person, he's just lost, confused, and admitted he doesn't know how to ask for what he needs. He is going to spend decades lonely because he prides himself on being guarded, hard-headed, stubborn and unwilling to bend. He said he wants to be better, but I don't believe that anymore. I think he just says it because he thinks it'll just happen or someone, like his girlfriend, will do the work and emotional labor for him. I deserve better than that.

    --Rae

    • Like 3
  25. I (29F) had been close friends with my now ex-boyfriend (36M) for close to a year before we began officially dating. We were together as a couple for 6 months. We met through my mother, as they were once coworkers who have since reconnected, and she invited him over for a few family gatherings because she thought he'd fit right in with us, and he did. We developed a great friendship, have many things in common (video games, the same books/fave authors, music, etc) and even though we disagreed on a number of things, were able to discuss them with civility and learn about the others viewpoints, as well as discuss topics (theology, politics, racism, web development, etc) one of us had more perspective or experience with than the other and learn about the subject matter. Due to our ongoing regular contact and fun times and conversations, our friendship continued to grow deeper. We discussed traumas, how we've changed since childhood, the types of childhoods and family units we had, how they affected our lives, and as a result our friendship grew vulnerable and intimate (not sexually or physically) and we developed a strong bond and connections.

    One night while watching a movie, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We talked about our expectations, what we wanted and needed from a relationship and the type of partner we both need. We had done this just as friends during casual conversations about past relationships, but went more into depth as we wanted to be sure we had the same goals. We both expressed the want for a long-term committed relationship and agreed to be exclusive. He was previously married for almost 10 years and has a child from that marriage. He has been divorced close to 3 years now. I had met his son on several occasions while we were still friends and began to bond with him, so he waited a few weeks to tell his son (8 years old) that I was going to be in his life more often than just for play dates.

    His marriage was a very unhappy one and he expressed that he had began going to therapy to deal with the emotional abandonment and turmoil he had felt during their marriage due to their lack of communication, support, disconnection, lack of intimacy and sex, and overall complacency that resulted in him asking to divorce. I had been happily single, living life, working on my career goals/hobbies, working on myself, going to therapy and traveling for 5 years prior to our relationship. My traveling, hobbies, life perspectives, viewpoints, confidence, self-image and overall demeanor I have these days (thanks to a few years of intense therapy) are some of the things he had told me first attracted him to me romantically and made him want to pursue a relationship. Thanks to Covid, my travels had been put on hold and I had to switch jobs in 2020 due to being laid off. I am currently living with my mother because my job loss resulted in me being unable to afford my apartment.

    The first 3 months we spent getting to know one another, bonding and becoming intimate. Due to Covid and the limited things we could do, we'd plan dates outdoors or get tested before we went to one another's homes. He told me he loved me 2 months in, and I said it too. After that, I began noticing his insecurities coming out in subtle ways and did my best to reassure him I wasn't going anywhere and that I loved him, found him attractive and wanted him. He attributed his issues and habits to his military service, deployments, and trauma, though as stated, he was/is working through them in therapy. He started bringing up my traveling and suggesting that I was going to leave/break up with him to travel, that I should just move to my favorite country because he wants me to be happy and knows that traveling is what makes me happiest. I had corrected him and said that my life was in a transitional period and I was going to start putting down roots, wanted a committed relationship, and wanted this relationship. I know that I cannot travel for months/years on end like I was and expect my SO to wait around for me to come back, that's not fair. But he brought it up numerous more times over 6 months. The last time I told him I was offended that he felt the need to assume he knew what was best for me or what I wanted more than myself.

    On top of that, the slightest things would cause him to become upset, like, he forgot to turn the burgers on the grill one evening and started berating himself and said they were no longer edible (they were fine). When I would tell him he looked nice in the shirt he was wearing, he'd say no. He'd make comments about his lack of hair (he started balding in his 20s and now shaves his head) and I would tell him I like him bald. In bed, he'd climax and then apologize if I hadn't yet and then get upset with himself, he called himself a disappointment and failure multiple times. I told him I don't like it when he says things like this, and that if I were unsatisfied I would tell him and we could find a way around it. We were newly intimate, he'd only had sex with his wife before me, and we both hadn't had sex in over a year. While working he'd say he was bad at it if he didn't do something correctly or had to resubmit his work. I always told him I was proud of him and that he'll get better at his job. On a nearly daily basis he'd make self-depricating comments and often disguise them as jokes, I repeatedly asked him not to do that and reassured him I loved him.

    Periodically, I would "check-in" and ask him if the pace of the relationship was comfortable for him and if he had any concerns or things he needed to discuss. I always gave him space to express his needs, told him that if he needed to talk or needed something to just ask or tell me, and made sure he knew I loved him and he'd express that he loved me back. He said the same to me, but rarely if ever actually broached this subject himself. During this time, we met one another's close friends, I developed a closer bond with his son, and we began making future plans and discussing longer term goals about where we wanted the relationship to go over time.

    I am a very motivated person who does "daily affirmation" things, goes to therapy still just to maintain my center of self, mental health and discuss happenings in my life. I am this way because I was very self-destructive and angry when I was younger and it nearly destroyed my life and it partially had a hand in ending my LTR/engagement. I have spent the last 5 years rebuilding my life, figuring out who I was and what I needed from myself to become the person I am currently and want to be in the future.

    As our relationship went on, he began to say he was out of shape (he used to run marathons and worked out daily while deployed). I liked his body and found him attractive, I told him that. I also told him if he wanted me to, we could work out or go to the gym together and do meal plans. I used to lift weights as a hobby because my ex-fiance was an amateur bodybuilder, and these days just do it to maintain strength and because I enjoy it. He said yes, but due to his work schedule and child care obligations, only made it to the gym a few times.

    Fast forward to this past month. My mother was diagnosed with Covid and got really sick. I had to vacate our house because I tested negative and was just starting a new job. I packed up and booked a hotel stay. When I went to his house later that day to inform him he needs to be tested, he, his son and I all went together. We all tested negative. I told him I had booked a hotel stay and he offered to let me stay in his guest bedroom. I told him I didn't feel right about it and didn't want him to feel I was taking up his space, especially while his son was there for his week as I did not want to take away from their time together. He insisted I cancel my hotel stay and that I could stay in his guest bedroom for as long as I needed and/or my mother was sick. I was very upset and cried because I was scared for my mother, and felt bad that I was suddenly in his space and that they had to get tested because of my potential exposure. He told me he wanted me to be there and reassured me I wasn't intruding. I told him that if he needed me to leave to just say so and I would go to a hotel, he never did.

    I had planned a trip to one of my favorite cities in the US some months earlier. He asked to come with me so we went together (we were both fully vaccinated by this time and still wearing masks, we got tested the day before we left and the day we got back). The trip was so much fun and we created some great memories. The day we got back from the trip, he explained to me that he had "felt a shift" in his feelings this past week (literally overnight he just randomly felt this way), he wasn't in love with me anymore, and wanted to go back to just being friends. I asked him why the sudden change and he refused to answer me with anything but "I don't know." I tried talking to him about it, I asked him questions and he said he couldn't answer them. Two days later, we talked F2F and he explained to me that he felt suffocated and pressured while I was staying in his house and that he only offered to let me stay in his house because he felt obligated to, and that the extra time we spent together on the trip drove him over the edge with it and his feelings just "turned off." He refused to elaborate what he meant, but then said that his job was stressful and that my travels were more important to me than him, and that he feels its best for me to go back to traveling, and he was too stressed out and confused to put any effort into continuing or exploring his feelings.

    I felt betrayed, lied to, and like he was just using me. He reassured me he did want the relationship before, he just didn't know what happened to his feelings, he didn't know how to ask for what he wanted, and he didn't feel the need to try or fight for it because he was too stressed. He offered a consolation prize of friendship and is now upset with me because I refused to continue being friends. He looked at me like a deer in headlights when I said it wasn't fair to me and it was selfish of him to expect me to cast my feelings aside and do what he wanted. He violated and broke the relationship, he made commitments, promises, and encouraged me to bond with his child. He violated my trust, feelings, boundaries and acted like I should be grateful he wants friendship. He got upset with me and said "well what now? I just lost a great friend and the woman I loved..." I refuse to reward him for his cruel, shitty behavior toward me. All I tried to do was love him and build the relationship we agreed we both wanted to have together. What about what I lost? All he could say was "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened" and kept bringing up his job.

    The depth of his cruelty was honestly astonishing to me as I never thought that even if we had broken up in the future, it'd be like this. He seems genuinely more upset I won't oblige his invitation of "friendship" than losing the relationship he was adamant he wanted and the woman he was in love with. I feel as though he doesn't think he did anything wrong and that I owe him friendship. He said to me "Well what about my son? He loves you, and he needs strong women role models like you in his life." My heart shattered. I love his son, but I cannot be friends with this man anymore. Not after such violations and complete disregard of my feelings. I would be doing myself a complete disservice if I did anything less than walk away and remove him from my life. And I have.

    Looking back, I now see that I don't think he is actually taking his therapy seriously or putting in the work to better himself, as he had told me he was doing. There was little, if any real progress. He's also confused, deeply insecure, lost and doesn't take good care of himself. I talked to a mutual friend that's known him for years, they served together during deployment. She said he told her "He's better as a friend than a spouse, and doesn't deserve relationships because he can't "do" them right." She explained to me that he probably meant that literally after I had told her why he said he broke things off. She was appalled, dumbfounded and confused by his behavior, considering she was the first friend of his he told we were together, her family (husband and kids) and I developed a friendship and she was genuinely excited for us.

    I know I will be okay in the end as I have myself, friends, a support system, therapy and my life to live. Where did I go wrong here? My heart is shattered, but I know I did the right thing in walking away. What do I do/say to him if he comes back? I know that the thing that broke my heart can't repair it and I will not go back to him.

    --Rae

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