Rae1991

Hi, thank you for sharing your story. Almost relationships are just as valid and hard to move on from as "official" relationships, and those feelings and connections you felt are real. I would say try to keep things casual, friendly and light upon initial contact (if there is any). But yes, if you feel ready and up to it, do go back on the site and continue on as you normally would without the expectation she will contact you. You could reach out to her and ask how she has been, but if you feel it may evoke the same behavior you experienced during your first interaction with her not responding and you feeling a bit despondent, then I'd advise against it. You are probably right in that she was hiding her pregnancy based on the timeline you gave. Could have been out of embarrassment, her wanting to spare you from knowing she had met someone else, or her just being unsure of what to do/who to tell as a new single parent-to-be. Her decision not to tell you may not have had anything to do with you at all. If by chance you do contact her, or she contacts you and you both want more again, be cautious and don't rush back into things as it seems she flaked previously, which considering the circumstances, is understandable. You're right that you owe her nothing. She probably assumed in the time since you've last spoken that you moved on (it seems like its been more than 2 years?) and lost interest in her so she didn't reach out. I would imagine that being a new parent her priorities changed since too. But you mentioned she's back on the site, so maybe things will be different this time if contact is made. The worst she could do is not respond to your messages, say "no," or you both realize the other isn't what you want/need in a partner. Whatever you choose, I hope you get the answers you seek. --Rae

I second this wholeheartedly. I understand it's really hard not to take such rejection personally, but at some point, you have to accept she just isn't right for you. It took me over a year to feel fully ready, emotionally, to move forward from Joe. I tried to rush it by going on dates and being set up by friends. It just made me feel empty and worse off because all I did was compare them to him, never giving them a fair chance, because I wasn't ready and didn't want to date again, I did because I assumed it's just what everyone did. These days, I would rather be friends first and then engage in dating if we both wanted to, but that does not mean I am going to close myself off to other potential suitors/living my life to wait around for one guy. There is a guy I do like now, but I am perfectly fine just being friends as he has some life things he needs to deal with that I do not want cast unto me, and we are both busy with our lives, and I do not want to get my hopes up or assume things between us. If we choose to only remain friends as time passes, that's okay too. Then don't bother with dating, and politely decline any invitation for the time being. It's not fair to her to be compared to someone who she will never be and to be given false hope that there is any potential between the two of you for more than casual friendship. If you're not ready to date again, or even just engage on a friendly level, don't. Don't rush yourself with things like this, you will find someone when you are ready to, regardless of your friends trying to set you up, ultimately, the choice to engage with these potential dates is yours and yours alone. Be kind to yourself the way you are to others. Everyone deserves kindness, including ourselves. 😊 Rae

I am so sorry it set you back, but at least now you know where she stands and you understand fully that NC is truly the best option you have to move forward and find someone else who values you. I went through this with Tim, when his dad first died and he didn't respond to my messages for a week. Then for weeks after he said he didn't want to break up, he still didn't respond and the empty feeling of rejection and abandonment set in. I think that's why I ended up taking him back, because he created a void and then simultaneously claimed he was going to fill it, and all he did was make the void deeper, and I allowed it by resuming our relationship against my better judgement. You mentioned in a previous post that you don't/didn't think you'll find anyone else, and that's why you felt so attached and desperate for her attention. I call that the "scarcity mindset," and a lot of people operate from that due to deep insecurity, I used to, too. It's the belief that you're not good enough, no one finds you attractive, that you're not desirable or lovable, so you'll chase after and settle for the first person that gives you the attention you crave, even if they've expressed little or no interest or treat you poorly. I won't say you'll grow out of it, because some never do, but it is something you need to actively be aware of and working on over time. Mental and emotional health are not static, they need to be regularly assessed and worked on like a car. Leave her be, go back to your life and continue to be who you are, being single or alone isn't a curse, but a gift. Use this time to work on becoming better and happier. The best revenge after all, is being fulfilled, happy and whole. --Rae

As far as the advice goes on red flags, I will post articles and video links because they can explain it in a way that is more concise and relatable than I could. There's also thousands of others available. Mind you, take this advice with a grain of salt as there are variances and some dating advice is just bad, and being able to see this behavior is a good way to spot these in yourself as well so you can work on them and improve yourself. Remember dating is a lot of trial and error, stop putting so much energy into and pressure on yourself and your dates. If they're not what you want, or vice versa, don't take it personally. Just keep on. Learn to just enjoy the date/conversation for what it is without the expectation that it will turn into a relationship. You're not supposed to date every person you meet. Just enjoy your life, have hobbies, join classes, join gyms, do things you've wanted to do, work on yourself and you will find people with similar interests and widen your dating pool. Don't take rejection personally, think of it as a redirect. You're not right for everyone because you're not supposed to be. Have confidence, know who you are and what you want from a partner and relationship: https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/dating-red-flags-guide-avoid-psychology-power-tinder-dates-secrets-a8849541.html https://www.self.com/story/relationship-red-flags-never-ignore https://firstthings.org/8-warning-signs-of-unhealthy-dating-relationships/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/millennial-media/201312/13-dating-red-flags-women Even though it says "women," many of these are universal to dating in general https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGsG6HyZLuk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QuDIvOL0Ac As I mentioned, even if the video/post specifies a certain gender, it's pretty universal advice for anyone dating.

You seem to be about the age I was when Joe (my first boyfriend ever, and ex before I dated Tim) and I broke up, I was 21 and he was 25, we were engaged, living together and had been together since I was 14. Joe cheated for a year before finally deciding to tell me "he loved me, but liked her..." he left me for a 16 year old girl. In 2016, about 3 months after things ended for good between Tim and I, and I was leaving the city to move for work, he finally apologized for how he treated me. Joe explained that had he met me now (2016) he would've been able to commit and marry me because he had grown up a bit, dated around and gotten 'it' out of his system. He too asked to reconcile and try again. We had been broken up at that point for almost 4 years and had no contact. I feel the only reason Joe did this was because he was lonely and felt guilty, as that girl he cheated with and left me for did exactly that to him some time later. By then I wanted none of his apologies and no longer cared, I refused his offer to reconcile and don't regret it one bit, even to this day. We grew apart as we got older, we were right for a time, but what I wanted changed and he was no longer it. I remember Tim telling me, early on in 2016, that if his dad hadn't died, we would've stayed together. I don't believe that because we were fundamentally incompatible, there were glaring red flags and character flaws, and he treated me, my goals and career aspirations as a competitor rather than a partner, and I started to understand and recognize that in the months after things ended. Tim was great on paper, but in real life he was an emotionally unavailable workaholic who was given a job through nepotism, lazy, unambitious and had no desire to move forward in his life or do anything different. I had just graduated school, had travel and career plans, and was already looking for jobs in other states. I say all that to say: This does not last, and in time you will begin to recognize (as you're already doing) the character flaws and incompatibility between the two of you. I read Selena's post and agree as well, your ex has severe communication issues and she is insecure on a level that is too deep for you to help with. She needs to fix those issues herself, it's not your job to do that. She seems young and is still figuring out her own identity, I used to say/believe "Im not like other girls" to be appealing to men and to try and be different; but to be honest, that's just a backhand insult to yourself and one that women often hear from men to make them feel special. It's not a compliment at all. It sounds like she wanted friendship to assuage the guilt she feels and to keep you around to boost her self esteem, not because she actually wanted to maintain a real friendship. You said she stayed with an ex who neglected her, that's common. She lacks the self-awareness to understand why she's drawn to and stays with guys like that, and I am sure with time and therapy she will hopefully recognize that these men do no change their ways and that no good comes from staying. She is self-sabotaging and that comes from insecurity and naivety, both are common in your teens and 20s, but she needs to do the work to practice better lifestyle and coping habits (as do most people as they age). She may have thought she was ready to be in a relationship "that defined what relationships should be" but her inability to deal with her own problems, self-sabotaging/fulfilling prophecies, lack of trust and deep insecurity can dismantle even the best relationships. Despite it only being a few months, it sounds like that is partially what happened, her grief simply expedited these issues coming to head in time. 😊 Rae

She is sending mixed signals, plain and simple. She is confused and unsure of what she wants, and she's bringing you into her confusion, even if unintentionally. Have you ever heard the saying "misery loves company?" Well, so does confusion. That's not fair to you. While her intent may not be malicious, it still affects you in a negative way and keeps you holding onto the hope that she may get back together in the future. If she chooses not to resume the relationship, it will only crush you all over again. I know this from experience. 5 years ago, my then boyfriend of about 18 months Tim (I know it says 14 months in previous threads, but I realize now that was an error on my part) left me abruptly when his dad died. He didn't even tell me, he just stopped returning my calls. A week went by before I just went to his house and asked him what happened. He then told me, but explained he just needed alone time and that he didn't want to break up and that he just needed a few days to himself. "A few days" turned into 3 months. By then I was just as confused and had come to the conclusion our relationship was over so I had started the process of moving forward. Then he came back, apologized and said he wanted to reconcile, and I believed him because I was still in love with him. Things went fine for about 3 months before he disappeared a second time. No explanation, not even a word. By then I was just done and had nothing to say, but it still hurt all over again. Never let someone tell you they don't want you twice. I say this to say, your feelings of being "done" and your gut that she's waffling and uncertain, are 100% valid. Trust your gut. I knew deep down that Tim and I's relationship wasn't going to go further, but I let my heart override my intuition. On certain things yes, you should follow your heart, but when a person has given you a million and 1 reasons to believe their behavior does not align with their words, and that you should be "done," you need to trust it. Also, she broke up with you. Why would you want to continue begging someone to love you after they already made it clear they don't want you? Especially now that she's jerking you around emotionally because she is confused. You said it yourself, you feel "done," tapped out and exhausted, that's your body and mind telling you what your heart doesn't want to accept. I have come to realize that often, grief reveals holes and red flags in a relationship we were blinded to, and it simply expedites the end of a relationship that already had an expiry date. Yes, her grief may be a factor in her current behavior, however, people know what they're doing; you cannot blame her actions completely on naivety and external factors. After a certain point, her behavior is a deliberate choice and grief is an excuse. If you read my thread from a few years ago, you can see that I used the deaths of my grandfather and best friend as an excuse to abandon my relationship and spend months laying in bed neglecting every aspect of my life. Yes, I was depressed, however, my behavior toward my boyfriend and refusal to seek help was inexcusable after a certain point. My reaction to grief was also a symptom of much deeper issues I refused to confront that had nothing to do with the grief itself. I have come to realize these intense reactions and abandonment of partners and destructive behavior, are symptoms of deeper problems. Tim had them too, as I found out from his family after the fact that he had "dumped" previous girlfriends in similar ways, had issues with women, was deeply insecure and had fractured relationships with both parents due to ongoing emotional abuse and abandonment growing up. Tims family was extremely upset with him after I told them how he behaved toward me, they apologized on his behalf, and they shouldn't have had to because it wasn't their fault. I also came to the realization that despite how I would have treated him in this situation, you can't expect the same decency from everyone, and that you need to disabuse yourself from the notion that they owe you closure, apologies, friendship or reconciliation. If you operate from the belief you are owed these things from others, you will never move forward. I had to create my own closure from both of my previous long-term relationships because neither of them were ever going to close that wound. Even if they had given me explanations, would they have been enough? Nope. I would still have more questions and my heart would still hurt. The person that broke your heart cannot be the one to fix it. 😊 Rae

First, I am sorry this has happened to you. If you read through most other stories, they are similar when a partner is dealing with grief, mine was. My ex-boyfriend of nearly 2 years blindsided me after his father died. He didn't actually break-up with me, he just disappeared and then came back 3 months later. That was 4.5 years ago and we haven't spoken since. I am grateful he left, it allowed me to move forward with my life, move to a new city and realize that my need for relationships and the guys I was dating, was not coming from a healthy place. First I will tell you, do not reach out to him. Focus on YOU. Continuing to contact him for no reason may be seen as pressure and might make him resent you. My ex told me he loved me and didn't want to break up, then disappeared for 3 months before asking to get back together. I stopped contacting him and started moving forward as best I could. As your friend suggested above, if he wants to contact you, he will. It is good that you removed him from social media and your email contacts. Now, go hang out with friends or family, join classes, if you're in school focus on that, go back to your hobbies, learn new ones. Go back to your life. Do not try to be hovering and waiting in the wings for him on the hope he will come back. From the sounds of it, you were only together for 3-4 months, if he knows you're waiting around for him, he may take that in a different way than you intend and it may not be good. While time spent may not be telling his feelings, it's clear he felt he's incapable of having a relationship while grieving. This grief could last months or years, he may never be the same as he was before. They don't wait for us, there's no reason to wait for them. He broke up with you. So take it for what it is, and until HE makes a move to get back together, the only thing you should be doing is focusing on YOURSELF. IF he ever does make the move to get back together, don't just go back to normal. You need to remember how he left, assess whether or not a relationship with a person who will leave you when life gets tough is someone you actually want to be with and if he is a person you can depend on. Do not allow yourself to be a man's convenience and allow the whole relationship to be about what he wants. What about you and your feelings? They matter and are just as valid as his. While his intentions may not be from a malicious place, would you tell your friends to wait around for a guy who dumped them, but made empty promises that "one day" you'll get together again? I certainly wouldn't. The 'One Day Wager' is a dangerous notion. That One Day they'll be the person you want, or commit, or be with you, or marry you, or do all the things they said they would in the beginning, but often that one day never comes and you're left with regret and wondering why you spent so much time with them knowing it was just empty promises and pretty words. This right here is enough to know that he is confused, doesn't know what he wants and is in no shape to be in a relationship. Do not pursue it further. Until he is ready (and he may never be) to explain himself to you, there's no reason to continue trying to reason with him. His mind has been made. I am sorry. It sounds like his life has gone through some serious transitions the last year, from being homeless and jobless to losing his father and the relationship with his mother. He may just not know how to process all these changes at once and needs time alone to figure it out, which is valid. After I left my ex behind for good and moved away, I started going to therapy and needed time to readjust and deal with my feelings and figure out why I felt as I did. Don't take it personally. It's not you, it's him. However I will say that your need of him to tell you everything all at once sounds like a bit much and can be misconstrued as pressure and he may not have had the answers himself to give you. He didn't have the tools to be in a relationship That right there says it all, as does this paragraph. Let him go. All love is not good love. Staying with him will only invite confusion into your life, as he is clearly at a crossroads in his and doesn't know what to do. It doesn't make him a bad person, he's just at a point in his life where he's assessing what's best for himself and figuring out how to care for himself and his needs, which we all need to do to be successful adults. I am sorry your relationship became a casualty of it, but it is what it is. Also again, you were only together 3-4 months, so in all honesty, neither of you had an obligation to commit, and things unfortunately changed for him. Sometimes it just happens. It's happened to me. A guy I dated for 3 months said the same thing, that our relationship was a priority to him, then one day just decided he didn't want to date me anymore because I wouldn't let him be my "fitness trainer." Trust me, it wasn't a loss on my end, the guy turned out to be both a liar and a loser. Be glad he broke it off now rather than in a year or two when you're fully committed, living together and/or deeper in with him. Maybe at some point in the future, your paths will cross again and you'll both be ready. But that may not happen, don't bank on it. Take your own advice and do not wait around. You'll come out the other side of this stronger and better off. You don't need him. You were a whole person with a life before him, and life will go on after him and you'll still be whole. Rae

I echo everything Kayc has said here. I can vouch for all of this, as I have been both the griever and the dumpee of the griever. My ex-fiance, Joe, almost left me (as he was right to do) after I had lost both my grandfather and best friend in the span of a year. I abandoned our relationship, emotionally and otherwise because I didn't know what else to do. I was hurt, confused, lost and severely depressed, and everything else in my life fell by the wayside. I almost lost my job, twice, because I couldn't focus, was constantly distracted or would call-in multiple times a week. I also dropped out of school for the semester because I started not showing up to class. But I tried to maintain in front of my friends because I didn't want them to know how broken and hopeless I felt inside. Joe expressed the same confusion, hopelessness, anger and hurt that you are. It is all 100% valid and you are right to feel that way, as she has in a way abandon you, and it is a difficult pill to swallow. He gave me an ultimatum (which I do not recommend you do, its just what he did as an absolute last resort because again, he was trying to hold on and salvage the ship, I wasn't, but I wasn't ready to let him go. I was just being horrendously selfish, hurtful and terrible to him, even if it wasn't intentional), and basically said that until I go to therapy and address my problems, we were effectively over. I was resentful of him at first, because I felt betrayed, like he was abandoning me when I needed him and that he didn't understand my pain. When really, I had already abandoned him and us, and was just leading him into darkness with no intention of ever finding the light and was careless towards the pain I was causing him, because I had retreated inward, and only my feelings and hurt mattered. I started going to therapy to address my underlying issues that my grief had brought to the surface, along with the grief itself. We stayed together for a couple more years, but it irreparably damaged our relationship and Joe admitted that even after I had started to seem normal again (about a year later) he still felt mistrust, resentment and as if he'd done something wrong. My bf of 14 months, Tim left me suddenly after his dad died. Not a word, text or even to tell me his dad had died. His brother told me. He didn't respond to my calls or texts until I tracked him down and made him tell me why I hadn't heard from him in over a week. He said he was sorry, he loved me and didn't want to break up, but that he just needed a few days to be alone. Then I didn't hear from him for 3 months. I concluded our relationship was over, and as heartbroken as I was, began to move forward. He then sends me a text, 3 months later explaining that he went on auto-pilot, got severely depressed and the days just blurred together and he buried himself in work and his friends hoping it would lessen his grief. He asked if id be open to reconciling. I was skeptical, hurt, untrusting and resentful of the pain he caused, but agreed because I was still in love with him and was hopeful he'd come back and we could move forward. Another few months passed and things seemed to be getting better, until one day he told me he loved me as we left his apartment to go to work, he then stood me up for dinner later that night and we haven't spoken since. That was 4.5 years ago. My life is completely different now, I am different and I have learned to focus on myself and my needs instead of constantly being a giver and a pleaser, trying to fix others, and holding onto empty promises and sweet nothings. I haven't been in a relationship since and I have done more with my life and time than I ever thought I could, and its given me the clarity, peace and self-reliance I used to believe a relationship would. So in a way, I am grateful for the silver lining my experiences have given me. It's not you, it's them. I cannot stress this enough. I know it is extremely hard not to take personally, because you watch the person you love, your relationship, and yourself become unrecognizable in the process of trying to hold on, help them, hoping it will work out and yearning for them to come back. But even if physically they are present, mentally they are not and you are all but invisible to them, and you're left sitting, waiting, hoping that eventually they'll see you again. It hurts. It's not fair. I echo what Kayc has said about doing whats best for yourself and focusing on you, and giving her the time and space you both need. Even if it means you aren't a couple. You cannot sacrifice of yourself to keep someone else warm, you'll be left a smoldering pile of ash, while they are still whole. You can only be there for someone as much as they'll allow you to be, and I think that is the most painful realization of all. No amount of love and sacrifice will keep her in a place she no longer feels she can be. I have come to the realization that this behavior often echoes that of a toddler at times. They're seemingly always well-behaved around their grandparents, your coworkers, their teachers, in public, etc. But at home, they throw tantrums, won't eat their food, act out and are generally inconsolable, and it leads you to question yourself as a parent regularly. They let their guards down to those they feel most comfortable with, just like in your case with her friends and her kids, she's seemingly normal, but with you, she makes it known she's deeply hurting, confused and isn't really even cognizant of how cold and out of character she's behaving toward you, and you're exhausting yourself trying console, love and offer her comfort, but she refuses it. Just as it's not the parents fault for their toddlers lack of impulse control or emotional outbursts, her behavior toward you is not yours, you did nothing wrong and you don't deserve it. But unlike parents and children, you don't have to further subject yourself to her hurtful, indifferent behavior when you feel it's time to say "enough." Might be a bit of a poor analogy, but it made sense in my head. "About loving unconditionally, there is no contradiction between that and walking away. You walk away, not just to avoid hurt, but because it's the right thing to do for him. Walking away is, in its own way, an act of love." - Ron B. From a reply in the thread by Miri, Page 3. --Rae

Yep. Many people have dated "this person." And you are correct that their damage damages others. Hurt people, hurt people. And yes, the most important things you can do is remember who the f*** you are, and that you had a life before him, and will after him, without his participation or permission. You're an individual and that should never be compromised by or for a relationship. Ironically, the last time I talked to Tim was when we were leaving his apartment to head to work, and he told me he loved me....then stood me up later that night, and I ended the relationship the next day. 2 months later I accepted a job in another state and left. That damage left by them can be healed, but its your job to do that and ensure that if/when you come across another person like this (because they are everywhere, so you inevitably will) that you are able to recognize these signs and walk away before getting involved. Part of the reason I ended up dating guys like Tim was because I was failing to recognize that my damage matched their damage and it was comforting to get involved with people who needed me because I didn't understand that the only person I really needed to fix, was myself. Chaos was attractive because I didn't have to deal with my own problems when constantly surrounded by everyone else's. Therapy and finding positive outlets to express yourself are the best ways to move forward. Rediscovering old hobbies, or finding new ones, joining groups, etc are great ways to heal and get to a place you need to be, and along the way you'll find things and meet people you wouldn't have otherwise. Its not really about "getting to where you were before him," as often that person is probably toxic or needs therapy. But becoming someone better by learning from your experiences, failures and mistakes. When people fail to learn from their past experiences or mistakes, they inevitably end up repeating them and falling into a cycle of dating the same people with different faces, or staying in a job they hate and wondering why they're so unhappy. Misery loves company, but so does confusion. It seems your now ex was both, and does not know what a healthy relationship looks like, nor has he made an effort to confront, discover or fix the parts of himself that are unavailable. I am certain that if you could find his relationship history, he'd probably have a number of fractured, stunted and unhealthy relationships, both romantic and familial. People aren't born this way, they're made. Rae

Edited to add: This guy is doing what I've learned to call a "Temperature Check." Putting the feelers out there with a seemingly innocent "hey how are you?" and seeing what your temperature is: warm and receptive to his "friendliness" aka low-key bootycall, or scalding hot, indifferent and unwelcome. Be the latter. When he comes around for his "temperature checks," do yourself a favor and burn him. If you remain receptive and lukewarm to his "textual advances," they will not stop because now he knows you still have a weak spot he can weasel his way into with words. Don't let him. You wouldn't put your hand on a hot stove repeatedly would you? In this case, the hand is his and you are the hot stove he needs to step away from to avoid being burned. If he truly missed you, he'd be consistent and apologetic and his actions would align with his behavior and words, but not so overzealous like he's being pushy. He just wants to know he has someone to run to incase another one of his relationships inevitably goes south and he needs a cushion to soften the blow again.

This is absolutely true. As with both my two previous committed/long-term relationships, one where I was the griever (though we didn't break up, my behavior damaged our relationship), and then later the dumpee of a griever. These emotional, trust and self-esteem problems were long-standing, only buried and brought to the surface when the hardship of grief exposed them. It was absolutely a barrier, and definitely becomes one when one party emotionally checks out and/or can only go so far in a relationship before their pattern of previous behaviors, such as emotional unavailability or fear of abandonment become apparent and the relationship comes to a halt. Often, grief is simply a way of exposing problems that would have surfaced eventually, even without the addition of grief. My ex Tim told me that if his dad hadn't passed away, we would have stayed together, but looking back in the months after our breakup, that was untrue. His grief and reaction to it simply expedited the breakup in a relationship that already had an expiration date. Rae

I absolutely agree with this. I also agree with this, except that you probably should change your number if his texts bother you this much. This man is emotionally lazy, manipulative and fishing to see if anyone he casts a signal at will be receptive. He's clearly done this before, as you've explained more than once in your posts from last year. He does not deserve another moment of your headspace or time. And absolutely YES, his attempts to retain you as a friend are absolutely an ego boost for him, if it wasn't, why would he still have close personal relationships with any of his exes? Especially when he knows any one of them would come running to his call. Seems like the woman he left you for Chlor, did exactly that and I am sure the one before her did too. If he knew none of you would respond positively to his "friendly text check-ins" he wouldn't try to maintain contact with you or "check-in." And yeah, with little downtime between his relationships and them all ending in similar ways, the common denominator here IS HIM and his PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR. Now it's a character flaw, not just a mistake. This guy pretty clearly knows what he's doing and has no plans to change his ways. Forgive him for your own sake, change your number and forget him. He adds no value to your life, only an invitation to join him in his confusion. Do yourself a favor and politely decline his invitation. Tim tried this too, and I fell for it. Don't give this man that satisfaction. Rae

This is exactly how I felt when my boyfriend of 2 years left me without explanation in late 2015 after his father suddenly died. He then tried to work things out three months later in 2016, only to disappear again. I cut contact with him after that, haven't spoken to him since and have moved forward. I realized in the months after the same things you have, that for him, love was not a verb, but a self-serving feeling that he didn't feel any responsibility for saying to another person. It was devastating to me because he seemed loving and like any regular great boyfriend should be. But looking back, I realized later that our relationship was not going to move forward. He never wanted to travel with me if it was more than 2 hours away by car and I am a person who enjoys exploring and adventure. I was a semester away from college graduation when we started dating, after having studied abroad and visiting the neighboring countries and learning how to travel alone. I was new in my career and it seemed like every time I hit a milestone at my job, we'd celebrate, and then he'd try to "one up" me with his accomplishments. I had also come to the realization that if I had accepted one of the jobs I was applying for in other states, he would not have moved with me so we would've broken up anyways. I, like you, was open to trying again after the first time, even though I should not have been after learning from his brother, who introduced us, that he's done similar things before and has some deep seated insecurities and emotional problems he hadn't ever resolved due to a turbulent relationship with his parents, many of which he brought into his relationships. The way he behaved started to make sense after learning this, though it was not an excuse. We talked about the future in the same way and he said a lot of the same things your bf has. I didn't want to erase him at first because I was still in love with him, but I realized after he left me the second time that I allowed him to do it again because I still longed for him and didn't remove him from my social media or my phone when I should have. I also empathized with him because a few years earlier I had lost my grandfather and best friend within a year and my relationship at the time suffered immensely because of it. In the 5 years since, I have moved to a different state, traveled extensively and am actually planning a more permanent international move once I complete my Masters. Learn from this experience, even if you do end up getting back together in the future, don't allow yourself to just fall back into it and let things go back to normal unless you can see he's addressing his problems appropriately and has made tangible growth in his life. I am dating, but more so just focusing on my life and what I want it to be, rather than trying to mold my life around a relationship. You're making great progress, don't allow his attempts to reach out and "check in" stop you from moving forward without him. They don't wait for us, there's no reason to do that for them. Rae

Print this out, frame it and hang it everywhere! You're learning from your experiences and that of others, and that's a great thing. It took me probably 6 months to be able to get where you are, but my apartment got really clean and my workout routine definitely increased, too! Don't feel like a coward, it wasn't you, it was her and you need to do what you feel is best for yourself. If anything, it's a test of one's strength to stop yourself from giving into the temptation of contact, that feeling and rush it gives you is alluring because the one thing you desire is on the other side, but in the end, just fills you with sadness when they don't reply. They're so close, yet just out of reach, and that's the hardest part to let go of. Thank you for sharing, I am sure someone will find your story helpful, too. Rae 😊

This is fantastic. Begging for forgiveness, especially in this context, is not necessary. Giving him space and respecting his boundaries does not guarantee he or his family will show you respect. As stated previously, do not beg for these things. They will either respect you, or they won't, don't hope that they will or think you deserve it from them, because then you're still hoping they will give you something that you may never receive. I completely understand, when my ex Tim ghosted me twice after his dad died suddenly, I felt I deserved (and he owed me) respect from him and an apology for his behavior. I never got either, and for a while, was hung up on it, and it stopped me from moving forward with my life and getting over him, I was waiting for a day that would never come because deep down, I didn't want to accept that it really was over. No contact may do those things for you, but there is no guarantee time apart will make him rehash his relationship with you and own up to what he did wrong. It never happened with Tim, and I haven't spoken to him in 4 years. I am glad I haven't heard from him because it showed me who he truly was, and that he wasn't sorry. As painful as that realization was, it was a turning point. It is okay to want to get back together, because you love him. But, don't hold out hope that you will, and don't just go running back to him like nothing happened. I made that mistake the first time with Tim because I was confused, and still in love with him. I don't recommend running blind. --Rae 😊

Great advice here. It hasn't happened to me personally, but I know people who ended relationships only to reconcile some years later and stayed together. Time apart will give both of you clarity, and even if you don't reconcile, you won't still be stuck wondering "what if," and still trying to move on. My ex-fiance who I was together with for 7 years and I reconciled as friends almost 5 years after we broke up. He initially said he wanted to try to get back together and that he was sorry for cheating, but by then I no longer felt the same and my only offer was friendship. I had also left town by then and had no plans on ever moving back. Even if you don't reconcile, you will still be on a better path than you are now. It takes time, but you will get back to where you need to be, with or without him. -- Rae

I went through this exact same thing after my ex of nearly 2 years dumped me, twice, after his father suddenly died 4 years ago. I worried about him, constantly for months afterward and neglected my own well-being for a while because I was stuck and unwilling to let go of him. Kayc is right, in that their "needing time" in many ways is a precursor to a permanent breakup. He treated me, for months after we reconciled the first time, like I had done something wrong, even though he repeatedly told me it wasn't me, he loved me and that he didn't want to break up. When he ghosted me the second time, that same day he told me he loved me before leaving his apartment. I haven't spoken to him since, I had to make the choice to walk away after that. These days, I am glad we didn't reconcile or stay together. He would've dumped me regardless, as he had a pattern of it in previous relationships and we were fundamentally incompatible. The drama, the hot n cold treatment, the saying but not showing, got old really really fast. I am glad I am no longer involved with him. I have not dated in 4 years and I am happier because the time alone has given me clarity about what I want from life, and my relationships. You will get to this point eventually too, where one day you have that "aha!" moment, the memories will fade, you'll make peace with the breakup, and the relationship no longer dominates your thoughts. -- Rae 😊

I think it is partial curiosity because he's lost contact with you, guilt and he wants to maintain contact just in case his current situation doesn't work out. That's what Tim did, he missed having access to me, and me being around, he did not miss us or our relationship, and most importantly he did not miss ME. Sure he may still have lingering feelings or curiosity about you, but he's with someone else and has already told you he doesn't want you once, don't give him the option to tell you he doesn't want you a second time. https://youtu.be/9fnOknEFrLU -- Watch this video, this explains what I mean in a more clear way. I would say that because its only been a few months and you don't feel that you can reply and NOT get sucked back into the hope and despair, DO NOT reply to him. If he wants to know about whats going on in your life, he'd make the effort to actually be with you and right his wrongs. And he isn't, so I wouldn't bother, do not give him the satisfaction of a reply, as he may take it as you're still waiting around for him, even if you are not. It is quite clear that this man is confused and playing games, even if he's unintentionally doing so. He went back to he ex-wife and is now concerned with what's going on in your life?! After he left you for someone else?! As you've said in previous posts, he's done this before with the woman he has now left you for, and now he's just repeating the cycle with you. Don't let him. Stand firm in that he does not deserve to know what's going on in your life now that he has willingly left it and went back to yet another ex. He doesn't deserve your time. Grief or not, he does not get to do to you what is happening to him. Misery loves company, but so does confusion. Don't reopen a door you've already closed. For now, deadbolt that door. He can come and look inside the window if he wants, but that doesn't mean you have to unlock the door and subject yourself to further harm. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. --Rae

Hi Velvet, I am sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. These situations are never easy to deal with, especially when you did nothing wrong, and this death and the grief that follows has blindsided both of you in different ways. My ex, Tim acted the same way as yours has. Immediately following the death of his father, he stopped contacting me. We had been together over a year by then. He didn't even tell me his father died, his brother did. A week went by before I heard from him, we talked in person, and he said he didn't want to break up, he just needed some time and that he loved me, it wasn't about me, thanked me for understanding and he'd contact me in a few days. A few days turned into 3 months. A month went by, I concluded our relationship was over and began to move forward. Two months later he contacts me begging to reconcile, and because I still loved him and was deeply confused myself, I agreed even though my gut told me not to. We lasted another 3 months before he ghosted me again and I had no choice but to walk away, even more confused and heartbroken than the first time. I would advise you don't make the same mistake I did if it comes to be that way in your situation. Do not feel bad for doing what is best for yourself, he already is by breaking up with you because he feels it is whats best for him. Stick to the NC, you are already farther ahead of where I was in my situation. When they behave like this, at first it may just be because they are confused, but after so long, it becomes a deliberate conscious choice, and that was something I had to learn the hard way with Tim. He is taking you for granted, you are absolutely right about that. Do not stay and wait for him, it will only hurt you in the long run. He broke up with you, and by doing so he made it clear that he doesn't want your support or love, and that he doesn't expect you to wait around for him to get right again. He may have told you he loves you, and he probably still does, but his actions indicate that he doesn't want to be with you anymore, even though he said his breaking up with you had nothing to do with you or your relationship. Grief makes people do strange things, this situation is unfortunately, not unique. He is being selfish by breaking up with you, DO NOT feel as though you did something wrong by being selfish and protecting yourself from his confusion and uncertainty. Misery might love company, but so does confusion. It is perfectly acceptable to not want to see him suffer and have the impulse to comfort him, you love him, its only natural when you love someone. But the fact of the matter is, he has chosen to walk this journey alone, and despite your freely offering love and support, he doesn't want it. There is nothing you could've done or said to make him feel differently. Don't blame yourself. Do what is best for yourself. Moving on will take time. You will feel a whole range of emotions for a while, and that's okay. Stick to the NC, remove him from your social media feeds, replace his name in your phone as something like "He takes me for granted" if you can't delete his number just yet. Remove anything he gave you or pictures of you two out of your immediate sight and grasp. Join a gym, group, club etc, go back to your life and hobbies. Spend more time with friends and family, take a class, learn a new skill. You had a life and were a whole person before the two of you got together, start doing things that bring you joy and remind you that you can be happy and are whole without him around. This right here is all you need to know. There is no point in continuing to contact him or hold out hope that he will come back. You need to take what he said at face value. It's okay to feel hurt by what he said, losing someone you love hurts. Your feelings are just as valid as his. Do what is best for yourself. But just be aware that you did nothing wrong here, you reacted to him the only way you knew how, with love and support, and he didn't want it. That's not your fault, do not blame yourself for his feelings or behavior. --Rae

As you said, he's right. You need to work on that. As it goes with the saying, "if they do it once, they'll do it again." Same applies to you. Until you deal with your anger, figure out why you behave like this and work on yourself, you are prone to behaving this way in the future. See here's the thing I think you're missing in our message: His grief has nothing to do with you and you couldn't have done anything differently to prevent his reaction. However, your actions such as getting physical and demanding/begging he stay could very well have led him to his decision. Physical violence of any kind is and should be an absolute deal breaker for everyone. Begging/demanding when he pulls away is going to make people run. Think of that like a rubber band, the more slack you allow (the tighter you squeeze and draw yourself closer to him forcibly), the more opportunity he has to pull the rubber band farther from you in another direction (run away and either cut it loose or snap back into your direction). If you both add resistance (go back to your life and let him be him), at some point one of these things will happen: either you will come back together as the resistance on the band will eventually snap you into one another, or one/both of you will sever the band and end the relationship for good. Bad analogy but you get it. Sidenote: You cannot make a person stay who does not want to stay. If he wants to leave, let him. And if you want to leave, leave. As it stands, he has effectively broken up with you. If he chooses to make amends in the future, that is a choice you will both have to make, but i'd advise against just running back to him and acting like nothing is wrong. This should have been the first clue that maybe you aren't right for one another, as I am sure there were others. It sounds like both of you have some things you need to work on and that in a way, your relationship was based out of desperation, neediness and insecurity that each of you may not even be aware you had. You can still love one another deeply and not be right for one another. My ex Tim and I loved one another to pieces and had a future together, but we were fundamentally incompatible, and many of these things I didn't see or want to see until he left me after his father died and I had no choice but to admit that I ignored the red flags. Love makes you do that. Begging/demanding is degrading, it shows desperation and that you don't respect yourself. Never beg someone to be with you. Same goes for him too. It will take time to move forward, it doesn't happen overnight. --Rae

Hi Kyla, I am sorry you find yourself here, but you are not alone. First off, I am going to address this part here: Physical altercations are NEVER the answer. I understand that you are/were upset, but I do think that therapy may be the best route to understand why in such anger you acted out physically. I am not judging you, simply saying you need to talk to someone about this. I understand how your ex feels. My best friend of ten years killed himself in 2011, 9 months prior to that my grandfather had died, and it was devastating for me, as I wasn't even 21 yet and had a bag full of emotional problems. My boyfriend of over 5 years, Joe, was kind and caring as much as he possibly could be. I layed in bed all day, dropped out of school for the semester and almost quit my job. I became very depressed and sunk into a hole that made everything in my life far less important, including my relationship. Joe and I were living together at the time so he tried his best to maintain and understand that I just needed time, but it was devastating for him too because he felt like I was abandoning him, and in a way, he was right. After about 4 months of outbursts, misplaced anger, sleeping all day and just general malaise, Joe told me that if I don't seek therapy we're breaking off the engagement. It wasn't healthy for either of us and it was damaging to our relationship, and he was right to do that. At first I was angry and thought he just didn't understand what I was going through, but after a few therapy sessions, my feelings started to settle out and I got better the more I opened up in therapy. There is no "one size fits all" piece of advice for these situations, everyone's emotions are different and everyone will get through this their own way and on their own time. You can't rush it. Stop making his feelings of grief about yourself, they don't have anything to do with you. Your feelings are valid, but so are his and you need to respect his decision and feelings. Does it suck? Of course it does, no one ever wants to be made to feel this way, but it happens. As hard as it is to do, don't take it personally. He already told you that he needs time to sort himself out and get it together, you can't put a time limit on it. So as it stands, you need to let it be and go back to your own life. Even if he does "get it together," he may not come back to your relationship, as grief changes people and they re-evaluate their lives and feelings as time goes on. Grief does not go away, but it changes over time. I understand that you felt like he was neglecting and abandoning you, because Joe felt that way too. However, you already answered your own question when you said you may have pushed him to his emotional limit. Your outbursts of emotion, while completely valid, pushed him away and had the opposite effect you intended. He is right, it sounds like you do need a break as he was neglecting your relationship, and in his distance you grew inpatient and tried to force his hand to do what you wanted. Your continued calling/texting/contact will only push him away further and he will continue to resent you for it, he has broken up with you, stop contacting him and go back to focusing on your life. I know it's hard, as I have been on both sides of the spectrum, once the griever who almost ruined her relationship, and then the dumpee of a grieving person. You have to learn to accept that he may not come back, and yes it is hard and sad. You will go through a whole range of emotions as you work your way back to neutral and learn to be without him again. But I do hope you find the lessons in this experience and learn from them. Don't wait around on him either, as they don't expect us to, and you shouldn't anyways because it isn't fair to you. Talk to a therapist, and feel free to continue sharing on this forum. We are not going to sugarcoat things, just give honest answers from experience. --Rae

I second everything Kayc has said here. I don't think I can add anything. My now ex Tim and I had been together about 2 years before his father suddenly died. Like Kayc said, my breakup was like pulling off a bandaid slowly at first, then he ripped it off later. He initially said he didn't want to break up, then ghosted me for 3 months. He said it had nothing to do with me, but he behaved like it did and misplaced his anger at me. In my lifetime I have experienced two massive losses within 12 months, and because I was quite young and had emotional issues, I behaved irrationally and treated my boyfriend at the time terribly, so I understand how she may be feeling and the things she has told you are quite similar as many who are grieving feel or behave, so its not uncommon. I am 27 now and I haven't dated in over 3 years, but I am not opposed to it, just haven't found anyone worth investing the time in. I too consider my story a successful one, Tim and I did not reconnect and I prefer that. As I came to discover that we would've broken up anyways because I moved to another State for work less than 6 months after I made the choice to walk away from him, and I know he would not have moved with me. I will reiterate what Kayc has said: It's not you, it's them. You could be their "unicorn," but still not make it through their grief with an intact relationship. Tim told me he loved me, that he enjoyed being with me and that he saw a future with me, literally until the day he ghosted me the second time. As Kayc has said, focus on yourself for now. Not only will it be good for you, but it will relieve some pressure off of her too. IF she does break up with you, you'll be better prepared to continue focusing on yourself as you work through your own grief, but even if she doesn't break it off, you're still grieving parts of your relationship that were lost to her grief, and you need an outlet for that too. It is hard on everyone, not just the griever. I second this, especially. How people handle rough situations in life tells you a lot about who they are. Part of me understood why Tim behaved and treated me the way he did, because I once behaved in a similar way too. He didn't know himself, was uncomfortable with his feelings, hadn't confronted his childhood trauma/problems and was emotionally stunted/unavailable. However, it didn't make it okay. You will get through this no matter the outcome. --Rae

Hey Ralph, You sound like you're aware of how you are feeling and your next course of action regarding how to go forward. As Kayc said, grief is complicated. It does odd things to people. My ex ghosted me twice after his dad died suddenly 3.5 years ago, we had been dating almost 2 years by then. I was your age at the time, I am 27 now. At first he said he didn't want to break up, then went silent on me for 3 months before trying to reconcile. It was confusing, heartbreaking and hurtful. You are going about this appropriately, with being on a "break," now is the time to focus on yourself and try to move forward with your life regardless of her presence (not move on, just forward). It is really hard at first, but will settle with time and you will gain clarity as time goes on. Read the post by Vandal, he is/was in the same head space as you as far as being aware of his feelings and what he needs to do after his ex broke up with him. --Rae

In regards to dealing with your mother and sister, you need to learn to set boundaries within your relationships with them. You cannot allow yourself to continue tolerating their disrespect and picking at your self-esteem for the sake of them being family and your unresolved fears of abandonment that stem from their abuse of you. That's not healthy or fair to you, and you should seriously consider talking to a therapist because its obvious these are deep seated issues from your childhood that you need to work on if you ever want to get better. I know how it feels, my sister used to pick on me relentlessly growing up (we think its purely jealousy). She would steal my clothes, my belongings, would use my photos to catfish men on the internet, "sell" me to her "friends" in exchange for things, and even tried to date one of my ex boyfriends. In my teens and early 20s I didn't understand why she acted this way and because shes my sister and I wanted her approval, I gave her things, but all she ever did was take from me and then flip out when I said no. She'd borrow money and when I said no, she'd attempt to steal it. She constantly spent all her money on alcohol, was chronically unemployed and to this day is a willfully un-medicated bipolar who we think is also a sociopath. After a particularly crappy fight one afternoon and her trying to take my debit card, I just blocked her number after sending my parents the screenshots of what she said so they could finally understand that she has been gas-lighting, stealing from and torturing her siblings for years. To this day, my dad still refuses to believe she acts this way. Back then my dad was the one who always said "well she's your sister, at least try getting along." And for years I listened to that, even though he'd flat out deny her behavior. I don't anymore and now our relationship is on my terms. I didn't realize this needed to stop until one day it occurred to me that I was being gaslit by my own dad regarding how she behaved. I cut contact with her for 3 years. I just went dark on her because I was tired of her nonsense and it was making my life miserable. DO NOT ever allow yourself to tolerate disrespect and cruelty from someone just because you are related. That does not give them the right to mistreat you. You wouldn't let your children, spouse, friends or boss treat you that way, your family doesn't get a pass either. Toxic people aren't just lovers, sometimes they're parents, siblings and children too. You've referenced your sister and mothers cruelty towards you multiple times in this thread, and its obvious it has had seriously negative effects on your life and mental health. Now I am not saying never contact them again. What I am saying is: Stop seeking their approval, every time you tolerate their cruelty and react to what they do in a positive way, it reinforces their belief that they're allowed to treat you that way and that what they say about you is true. It isn't true. I understand that they're the only family you have left and that you don't want to lose that relationship, totally get it, been there. But what you do need to do is learn to stop reacting to what they say to you and believing it. Don't respond to their nasty texts, and when they call you and start berating you, hang up the phone. When you're around them and they start berating you, leave. Tell them you won't tolerate it anymore and establish boundaries. They keep crossing these boundaries because you've allowed them to get comfortable disrespecting you. Go to therapy, talk to your friends, but do seek help and dig into why you feel this way. As I said before, these issues are monsters to deal with because these relationships are ones you've had since the day you were born, and its hard and stigmatized to disconnect from toxic family members, and its easier to just tolerate it than deal with it. But over time, ignoring these things will just erode you and your mental health into nothing and you will become a void of self-hatred. These days, now that we don't live in the same city it's gotten easier. She isn't allowed in my apartment, we are not connected on any social media and most of our contact is mediated to our get together's at our mothers house with her child in tow. We text from time to time, but if she starts in on her nonsense, I just say "okay, do you" and mute the conversation then delete the messages. It takes time and work to get to the point I am at, but it's healthier for me and that's all I care about. I can love her from afar, but not want her in my house (mental space), because the last time I gave her a key, she (metaphorically) attempted to burn it down. I cannot make her seek therapy, take medication or treat her family with respect, but I can control our interaction, and I do. You can too. -- Rae

Everyone has these fears. That they'll always get passed over for others and end up alone. I mean, look at Charlize Theron, she made a statement some time ago about how she's been single for 10 years and that she's tired of being called "intimidating" and that guys need to grow a pair and start asking women like her out. She's right. But it doesn't make dating any easier for her. Tracy's TEDx talk is the one I think most applies to you, she had to learn to sit by her own bed side and hold her own hand. She had to learn to choose and love herself, but she's aware that loving yourself is not synonymous with being alone forever, and that's not what she's encouraging anyone to do. She's telling us to heal our own wounds and love ourselves the way we want others to love us, and the way we want to love them. Having self-esteem and love for one's self is not synonymous with being alone. You can be an individual person, and also be part of a couple. I'd argue that being your own person and choosing to be open to love after hurt and welcoming another person to share life with you is the only way to have a successful relationship. And no, a 'successful' relationship doesn't always mean marriage, children and 30 years together. A successful relationship is two happy people loving one another for who they are, not one person giving up who they are for the other. If it lasts, wonderful, if not, be glad you got to experience that love, learn from it, and move forward. We don't own people, and we can't change people. We simply get to share experiences and life with them. Look at Terry and Steve Irwin, they loved one another to pieces and we're inseparable, but now that Steve has died, people questioned her as to why she hasn't dated since. She said "because I already had my love story. Even though it was cut short far too soon, I'm happy that we got to share a lifetime of experiences, our children and do what we both loved, and I plan to continue it. I know Steve would encourage me to love again, and I him, but I am loved, and I am happy with the way that things are now. I wish he could still be here, but my life didn't stop when his did, it's just different now." Terri could date, she just doesn't need to because she feels her life is what she wants it to be, even without Steve. If she does date again, good for her, if not, oh well. If you continue to operate from the belief you will forever be second to others and "forever alone," you will only continue to entertain men who treat you as such and then abandon you because it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and in a way it already has. Instead of relying on others to give you permission to put you first and waiting for them to put you first, do it yourself. That way, if a man comes into your life and makes you a second thought, you won't hesitate to walk away. On the flip side, when you meet a man who not only encourages you to love yourself, but also loves you, himself and makes you a priority in his life, you won't be compelled to search for his approval by making your life about him. You're looking for relationships to heal your wounds, save you and validate your existence because you're terrified of being alone. It's not healthy, and it's something we've all done, and many still do because we're sold the belief that romantic love, relationships and external validation is a cure-all. It isn't. But it is a hard mindset to unlearn. I won't be alone forever, and neither will you. But for now, don't focus on that. Focus on moving forward, not moving on, just forward. Tiny wins are still wins. One step at a time.