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About ANN.K

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  1. I lost my son 9/2013 for what a medical examiner labeled SIDS although the circumstances surrounding his death were questionable however my husband and I had decided to leave it in God's hands almost a year after, I lost a second son, still born, I suffered a placental abruption and narrowly escaped with my own life and woke up to hysterectomy. I'v heard everyone tell me grieving takes time but im so mad and sad all the time and its been over 4 years. I feel like much of my life is avoiding others cause I can' stand to see them with there families, or see the happiness on there faces. Im tired of talking about what has happened or hasnt happened. Im tired of explaining to ppl why at my age i dont have kids. I feel like a very mean person and i was never this way prior to all of this i hate that I have so much anger I hate the fact that I lived and they did not, i hate that I could not protect them, i hate that my life has never nor will ever be the same. My husband and I are riding this same roller coaster of emotions where I feel like we literall have split personalities or some sort of bi polar disorder that fluxiates by the minute. How does someone accept this, how does someone accept what has been layed out before them. I am so afraid i am being punished and i will out live everyone i know or be so bitter that when i die I am truly going to be all alone. I am petrified of losing anyone else. I don' know what makes ppl happy, i dont know how to be happy, it' been more then 4 years and I feel like I have no one who can even closely relate to how I feel I dont know whats normal anymore. I can' talk to anyone, and its so incredibly difficult to find a good therapist, but i know question there ability to help me help myself to become happy again, to let go of the anger and the resentment. Please help I dont think I can let go of the anger. I wanted a family of my own so very much and feel like anything or anyone that I have loved unconditional has been taken away or has walked out of my life, how does someone cope with that