Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Kaly

Members
  • Posts

    3
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Daughter
  • Date of Death
    12-26-17
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Canton, CT
  1. I know grieving is something we all need to do in our own time and way and there is no right or wrong but I am wishing right now there WERE a check list or guideline. My mom passed 12-26-17 and I'm feeling so many different feelings. They seem to go in a loop starting with guilt then sadness, anger, denial, yearning but with depression, physical and emotional pain always there. Then when I feel a moment of happiness over something or my mind wanders to thinking about things I enjoy doing those feelings get quickly shut down and there is this voice in the back of my head saying, "Do you really think that is right? How could you dare even think about taking a break from mourning and grieving your mom? It's only been a couple of weeks!! You didn't do the right things when she was here the least you can do is spend every moment thinking about her and grieving the loss of her." I find myself wishing there were a check list for grieving: Guilt: this many days Sadness: this many days Anger: this many days and so on. Then at the end you get to find out on what day it is appropriate to start to let yourself feel anything good or to do anything you like to do. I know this is totally unrealistic but I find myself feeling like I need permission from somewhere outside telling me when I should stop feeling the bad and when it is appropriate to feel anything good. And realistically, I know even if this imaginary check list existed it wouldn't be able to be followed anyway. Does anyone else ever feel like if they were just told what they should and shouldn't be feeling it would help?
  2. MartyT and kayc, Thank you for your responses. There seems to be some comfort in the responses from others who have been through this loss and grief also. The other thing that plays over and over in my mind is what I'm sure many of us have had and that is, "I thought I had more time with her. They said she was doing well, and had a few more good years left." Well, now I know, too late, don't count on that. You never know how much time you have with someone. All the plans I had for this year with my mom mean nothing now, and I wish I learned the lesson of not putting these things off earlier. And the hard part is that I have heard this sentiment from many other people who have lost someone many times in my life, but somehow it just never sunk in the way it has now.
  3. Hello everyone, I've been lurking here the last couple weeks and found some comfort but still very much in pain. My mom passed unexpectedly Dec.26, 2017. It is hard to know where to begin without this going on for pages and pages. I'm going to do my best to make this as short as possible. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2015, she had some surgeries and began chemo and was seeming to respond well. I visited as often as I could and felt better knowing my dad was with her so she wasn't alone. The problem for me started near the end of 2015, what it boils down to is one of my three dogs got cancer and we were told he only had about six months to live. I didn't want to leave him alone and go see my mom, worried that he would die while I was gone. So I didn't visit her and comforted myself by telling myself that at least my two daughters were seeing her with their children and I knew she loved seeing the grandchildren. When my dog was put down in July 2016, I was just so tired all the time I just couldn't get out to see her and I felt like such a jerk because I felt like I put the dog before my mother. But, a part of me felt like I was also depressed about the realization that my mom was sick and I was going to be losing her sooner than I thought I would. The end of 2016 I lost one of my other dogs to cancer completely unexpectedly. So, more sadness and depression but I felt a little better knowing that I would see my mom for the holidays. My parents always come to my house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We had a good time and I'm glad I saw her. January of 2017 was the last time I went to visit her at her house. It kills me knowing I let so much time pass without seeing her all because of my dogs. I also didn't go to see her in the summer like I was supposed to because my grandmother who lives with them had c-diff which I understand as a bacterial infection in the bowels and I didn't want to be exposed because my oldest daughter had a new born baby that I was around and didn't want to possibly expose him even though the possibility was probably slim. So, anyway, my younger daughter made plans to bring my mom to her house and my older daughter and me along with the grandchildren would all get together. The plans fell through because my mom's white blood cell count went down and she couldn't be around too many people. We rescheduled but it happened again. Now we were into November and we didn't go see her for fear of possibly making her sick in case we were carrying anything and we wanted her healthy for the Thanksgiving and Christmas which she was looking forward to. Unfortunately she got a virus anyway and was sick for Thanksgiving and then Christmas. My heart broke for her. She was in the hospital Christmas night. The next day my dad told me she was resting and on pain meds and they were going to run some tests to see exactly what she had. I did 't call her because she was asleep from the meds and needed her rest. We were waiting for the results to see how long she'd be there before we would either go to see her there or hopefully she'd be home and we'd see her then. Problem is, the routine, low risk test they were supposed to perform to take some fluid from her lungs was botched and she bled into her lung and died. Now I'm left with extreme guilt, sadness, and my entire body hurts. I called her every Monday and my dad told me that she always looked forward to my calls. Sometimes I'd call a few more times during the week but the calls seemed to make her very tired so the weeks she had chemo I'd only call on that Monday. This sounds nice that I gave her something to look forward to but I feel like 'big deal' I called my mom. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE MORE!! What is wrong with me? I should have said more sentimental things, told her more how much she meant to me. Now it's too late. I can't go back and fix the past. And what's hard now is it's been a couple weeks, the memorial service was a couple days ago and anytime I feel like laughing or smiling or doing anything I feel guilty. I feel like I have no right to feel anything but sadness, remorse, guilt and loss. I don't know what to feel right now. I know somewhere in my brain I'm trying to punish myself for not being there the way I should have as if that is going to make things better but I honestly don't feel like I deserve to feel anything but sadness and guilt. I can feel a part of me trying to take a break from the stress of it all by thinking about doing some of the things I enjoy but I feel myself quickly shut it down and bring myself back to the remorse and sadness. I'm sorry, this ended up a lot longer than I intended. Even if no one reads the whole thing it still felt a bit cathartic to just get it all out. So thank you for a place to do that and thank you to any who were actually able to hang in there and read this.
×
×
  • Create New...