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About A&K

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Norwich, CT

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife, DIL, Mother, oldest son and three baby girls.
  • Date of Death
    In laws three baby girls and son and my husband.
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Marg, thank you for your sweet words and calling me Katie-girl is the sweetest. ♥️ I feel so loved by EVERYONE here.
  2. Thank you Marita. I’ve taken your words to heart. I believe you are brave too. I don’t want you to lock yourself in a box. I think of you all the time. I should email more. I will work on that. ♥️ And hugs. I have my best friend with me. I just don’t want Caleb and Ryan to see me this upset and down. Though Caleb is old enough to understand.
  3. Today is the worst day as of yet. I just don’t want to keep going. I am without my other half. I had to let the boys go to my parents today as I need to work through this feeling of not being able to go on. I am starting a grief and loss group tomorrow. I’m scared to go. But I promised my therapist I would give it a try. I can’t imagine the rest of life without my love. I guess life will go on. But I just don’t see how. 😞
  4. It’s been three weeks since my love died. Since he took his life. My dear friend shared this with me tonight. She thinks I’m brave. That gift means so much. I thought I’d share this with all of you because you are all brave too. I wish I let Allen know how brave he was. Before it was too late.
  5. Thank you all. Today it’s three weeks since he left this world, my world. Why does it feel like it’s been forever yet yesterday. I went to the cemetery. I want to crawl in the hole with him for eternity. But Lord knows I have to keep going for our kids. I just want my heart to not hurt this much. It hurts so much. 😢💔
  6. I wrote this to my Allen. I am in so much pain 😪 My dearest sweet love, There is a terrible ache in my heart that you felt so much in pain so much so that your only way out was suicide. I just want to go back twenty days and hold you tight in my arms heart to heart hand in hand. I swear if I knew I could have helped ease your heartache. We share the same heartaches in losing our twin girls our Noah and our Gracie. I should have been more in tune to YOUR pain. But I couldn’t because I was overwhelmed by my own pain. But we shared that same pain and loss. I’m sorry I didn’t see feel or know. Why does there have to be so much pain on a person that their only relief is this thing called suicide. I mean there is no rhyme or reason. The people left behind try to find it but all they really have is utter pain. But they know suicide isn’t an answer. So why didn’t you know suicide wasn’t an answer after your dad did it. I want to scream. Not at you but for you and with you. I want you here selfishly. I want our children to have their daddy. I want you to hold me again. To make love again. To just look in each other’s eyes. I’d give anything. I’m jealous. Because you my love, have our Lily our Lila our Noah and our Gracie now and for eternity. I guess that’s what you yearned for. But I’m jealous. My heart aches. It hurts in ways so many don’t understand and don’t pretend to. You will always be my one and only love. I promise that. We named this baby girl I’m carrying. You loved the name Riley Grace. I just can’t fathom giving birth to her without you by my side. It will be one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to do. She will never know her daddy beyond what I will tell her. Caleb is excited to be able to share you with her as she grows up. My heart hurts so much. I’m sitting here with tears burning my eyes. Do you know how I feel? Can you hear me talking to you? Writing to you? Do you know the pain that has been left for me to grapple with? Do you know how deeply I love you in spite of the pain you’ve left behind for us? Do you know that Caleb hurts so much for you? Can you hear Ryan saying “Dada” and looking for you? Especially in the morning when he wakes up in his crib. Oh babe, I ache for you. I love you so much. And I miss you so much more. Katie
  7. Thank you. Hi Marita ♥️ I’m struggling as both kiddos have the tummy flu. But I’ve got my friend here. Marty I will look at info when able. I thank you for posting it.
  8. Thank you. I won’t feel so crazy then.
  9. Should I feel selfish? Should I be able to find words? I try reading others posts. But I can’t find words to say like people have for me. I feel selfish because of this. Maybe I shouldn’t belong here. I apologize. I send hugs and love to all. That’s the best I can do.
  10. Yes Karen I actually have a friend staying here with her son. She’s been a tremendous help these two weeks with the kids.
  11. I feel so alone. My entire body hurts. I’m praying I’m not coming down with something. It scares me to be sick while pregnant. I want my Allen to be here. He’d do his best to make things better. He was my rock. The boys are asleep and my eyes ache from crying. I feel so alone. 😔
  12. 😪 It’s been two weeks since my Allen took his life. We were together since age five in kindergarten. That’s twenty five years. I never imagined he would end it all and leave me and our kids. He was the strong one. What’s hurting me right now today is how this has and will effect the boys. And how on earth will I find the strength to give birth to our baby girl in Dec. without him beside me. Without him holding her after she’s born. And what I will tell her where her daddy is. It’s so unfair to her as well as the boys. I’m not in pain as much for me but in pain and sad and angry for our children. They don’t have a voice. I have to have one for them. They don’t have a way to express this immense loss and injustice. I have to fight for them. I guess that is what keeps me alive.
  13. It’s been 12 days since my Allen ended his life. It feels like an absolute eternity. I just can’t rid of the horrible ache inside. I’m trying to keep his love within me but this pain is so overpowering. I look at our boys and see him. But I look at them and sadly see so many plans gone in one devastating moment in time. 😰
  14. I think I just got a sign from my Allen. Jenn (my friend) brought Ryan back. And he saw Caleb and said “eb eb” and pointed to him. I asked him you love your big brother Caleb and he said again “eb”. I was so happy. Caleb is so happy. Maybe it’s a sign from Allen. Who knows. I love my boys. I’m still hurting so badly and so tired but I’ve got to go on for my babes.