starrgirl

I'm so sorry you lost your mother! It just makes the earth shift under your feet somehow. You asked if I'm better after a month. It seems SO much longer than that. Well, I don't cry in public so much, but I still cry when I'm in my car alone, and in the shower. I cry other times, too, but not as bad. I'm blessed to have a hospice counselor who has really helped me. If you have some sort of counseling available, go for it. The best advice I can give is to take it easy on yourself (not always easy..), give yourself time, and take care of yourself. Everyone has been telling me to take care of myself, but no one told me how until my counselor said to eat right, rest, and exercise. Makes sense, though sometimes hard to accomplish. Everyone handles grief differently. Your sister may seem cold and unemotional but she's grieving too, just differently. Contrary to everything we've been taught all our lives about putting others first, etc., this is a time when we need to be self-focused. You've been through major changes in a short span of time. Cut yourself some slack. Making the scrapbook of your mom sounds like a wonderful way to "lean into" your pain, feel it, and deal with it. I've started journaling and it has helped. hugs and prayers, martha

Andrea, I am so sorry you lost your grandmother! You don't know what to do right now, especially since it's so sudden. You will get your feet back under you eventually, but don't expect too much out of yourself right now. It's tough, but you have friends here who know where you are and care about you and your journey through this loss. BIG hugs! Martha

I woke up about 3:00 a.m. unable to go back to sleep, so got up and read in a little book given me by my hospice counselor, The Lord is My Shepherd: A Psalm for the Grieving by Victor M. Parachin. I thought I would share what I found there. It spoke to me; maybe it will help someone else. Christopher Columbus sailed for 69 days without seeing land. His crew was fearful, restless and rebellious as they headed toward an uncertain destination through terrible storms and uncharted waters. It had to be very difficult for him to keep his eyes on the goal and press on. One of his journal entries was very brief but very telling. It simply said, "This day we just sailed on." There was no discernible progress, no indication of how much longer the journey would last, no land sighting to encourage them. So he did the only thing he could do: "This day we just sailed on." I'm sure you see the parallel with our individual grieving journeys. Our journeys are filled with confusion and uncertainty. It's hard to know if we're just beginning, in the middle, or nearing the end of the trip. Some days all we can say is, "This day I just sailed on." Parachin says, "During those days when progress is hard to measure, try repeating to yourself the second verse of the Twenty-third Psalm: 'He leads me beside still waters.'" "God is like a good shepherd guiding us to a place of safety and peace." Parachin added this prayer and the following 'affirmations.' "Prayer Loving God, though I may feel frightened and lonely as I journey through grief, help me trust you to guide me safely. Affirmations My healing is going to take time, but I will heal. I will be patient and accepting of myself. I believe God wants my highest good." Hope this helps someone as much as it's helped me. Sailing on, Martha

Kim, Thanks for your reply and your concern. It sounds like you flew in under the radar, and possibly your post office personnel aren't as picky as ours are. I should have just walked in and asked for the change of address thing and walked out, like you did. Instead, I had to go for the details... After thinking about it for a little while, I figured that there would be no more personal mail or bills, just her church magazines (which would need to be cancelled)and some random junk mail. I probably will just leave it like it is. I emailed the executor of her will and let them know. They can do what they want with it. If they do have her mail sent to them, I know they will send anything personal on to me. It is a really weird deal though. Thanks again for your response and I'm glad you were able to get your mom's mail. Martha

Leann and Shell, Thanks for the support. It's good to know that someone understands how I feel. Hugs back atcha! Martha

Today I finished cleaning out my mother's apartment. My pastor (a sweety), his wife (another sweety) and another man from my church (I guess they're all sweeties!) helped me. I wanted to get it done by Thanksgiving so that wouldn't be hanging over me. It's done. Now, I feel like I don't have a home. (Never satisfied... ). I'm so thankful to have it done, but it does feel like I'm homeless. I live in a rent house, but Mother's apartment was rented. It was just that I could always go there when I was just tired/discouraged/anti-social, just wanted to sit on the couch and veg. She and I heard a definition of "home" one time that we liked and laughed about occasionally. Home is where when you go there, they have to let you in. There's no place now that has to let me in...I have my own "home", but it's just not the same. I know it doesn't make a lot of logical sense, but then, most of this stuff doesn't. I didn't cry the whole day, but did on the way to my house. (You notice I didn't say 'home'...) Well, now I don't ever have to go down that street again. The nursing home where she was on hospice for 3 weeks before she died is on that street, too. I dont' know if I'll ever feel comfortable in that neighborhood again. Thanks for letting me just tell someone... I'm OK. Really I am! Martha

WONDERFUL!!! I'm SO thankful that it turned out to be a good (although draining) weekend. The memories will bring comfort in the coming days. Awesome that the tree fell the day your dad died. And how appropriate to plant another in his memory! That's SO special! Thanks for letting us know how it went! BIG hugs, Martha

SO glad to be "stuck" with you!!! We have to "stick" together! Still sending hugs and prayers! (((((((((((Shelley)))))))))))) Martha

Shelley, You sound so discouraged (Do I get the award for understatement of the year?). I don't know what to say to make it better. I just wanted you to know that someone read your message and cares. I haven't been on this site enough to know any of you very well, but let me ask...Have you seen a grief counsellor? If not, you can contact a local hospice. They will help, even if your loved one was not cared for by them. I'm sending you BIG hugs and prayers! ((((((((((((((((((((Shelley))))))))))))))))))))))))) Martha

I attended a workshop last night offered by the hospice that cared for my mother. It addressed coping with the holidays after a loss. It was very good, with ideas for shaking up the routine, giving yourself a break, and even for taking the opportunity to use the holidays to honor the loved one you lost. One thing the counselor said makes me curious. She said that most people (though not all, since grief is individually unique) at around three months after their loss, experience a "letdown" because, until that time, a numbness has protected them. It seems to wear off about three months along the grief journey. Also, that seems to be about the time that friends think that you must be doing ok by now and begin to slack off of the attention they've been giving you. Can anyone identify? At just two weeks into my own grief journey (it only SEEMS like months...), I don't feel numb -- this hurts--...maybe at three months I'll realize just how numb I was. I dont' know. I'm thankful for my wonderful counselor and a small tight group of close and faithful friends who will not "drop" me. I'll deal with it when it comes. Just wondered if anyone else has noticed this. Martha

Vero, Just sharing my experience...for what it's worth. My mother started out in April with a heart attack. For the next 6 months, until her death on Oct. 25, it was one thing after another, including a broken neck, pneumonia, sepsis, etc. She spent four months in a rehab center in a city an hour away from us. I'm an only child, so her care was MY responsibility, and no one to share it with on a day-to-day basis. In short, it was tough, trying to hold down a full-time job, drive to see about her, manage my family, etc. My husband, bless him, was little or no help at all. He didn't even go to see Mother with me, much less take care of business, fill my gas tank, massage my tight shoulder muscles,etc. I was SO mad at him because he didn't take care of ME! I NEEDED someone to take care of me while I took care of Mother. Didn't happen. He seemed to be oblivious. Finally, in the last month of her life, he began to "wake up" (a little) and would at least go to see her with me sometimes. Gradually, with the help of counselling, I began to see that he really was oblivious. He was doing the best he knew how to do. No, he didn't know much, but he was doing his best with what he knew. I realized that, no, he didn't take care of me, but he did take care of himself (cooking, laundry, etc.) so that I didn't have to do a lot of that. Was he there emotionally for me? No, but he doesn't know how. That's really a bummer, but I can't fault him for not doing what he doesn't know how to do. I can't be angry with him when he's doing HIS best, no matter how lame that might be. I nearly left him in the middle of Mother's illness (not because of his lack of help, but because of some other stuff), but I'm glad I didn't. Too many life changes at once. Too many major decisions, etc. I hope you can get away for a little bit to give yourself some space and thinking room. I didn't go far, ( stayed at my Mother's apartment some) but that little bit of space made a difference in me, and in him. I pray that God will send others into your life to help you through this time when your husband is unable to. He did that for me. Hope this helps a little... hugs, Martha

Magdalyn, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 32 years ago and I still miss him terribly. It doesn't hurt like it did at first, but there's still an empty spot. My grief counsellor says that God doesn't fill that empty spot because that relationship is still there, on hold maybe, but still there, and will be taken up again someday. I found with my dad's family, that over the years, as we've all grown older and lost more and more of our family, that we've grown closer. They are all I have left of my dad, and I'm all they have left of their brother/uncle. When we all used to get together when I was a kid, my dad was famous for saying, "Let's eat quick before someone gets mad and goes home!" They didn't always get along well with each other. They used to each drive his/her own car so that if he/she DID get mad, going home did not involve waiting for a spouse to get ready to go! Even though the first encounter with your dad's family has potential to be really tough, you may be surprised, as Shell said. I pray so, for your sake and for your family's sake. If some are distant, seek out the ones that are warm,hang with them, and leave the door open for the others to approach you. I pray that this weekend will bring some closure to you and your family, and a mending of relationships. Let us know how it went. hugs, Martha

Wow!! I'm overwhelmed by everyone's response. What a blessing you all are! It helps to know that someone else KNOWS where I am emotionally. What Lori said about a roller coaster sure describes it well. Today, I cancelled Mother's cable TV service. They waived the final bill, God bless 'em. I also cancelled her telephone. They asked me if I wanted to keep the number (how do you do that?) for sentimental reasons. YES! and NO! I don't know...I didn't do it. It wasn't necessary, but just having the choice made me uncomfortable. Then, on my lunch hour, I went to the post office to have her mail forwarded to me. They won't let me do it. Only the executor, with PROOF, can have that done. I'm not the executor. She put her assets in a trust with her church so that they would handle all the final stuff and spare me the job. That's been nice, but...I'm her daughter, her ONLY child, and they won't let me have her mail...I don't think there will be anything important come now, but it's just the idea. I was going to do one more "errand" and, after this decided to forget it for today. I'll think about that one tomorrow, just like Scarlett. Thanks for your support and prayers. And thanks for letting me vent. You all are in my prayers, too.

Thanks, Leann. I, too, would do it all again in a heartbeat. Our moms and dads took such good care of us, doing the best they could, while we were growing up, it's the least we can do for them. But it is exhausting, and there is a sense of relief when someone else takes over the primary care. It's tough to lose a parent. No matter how old we are when they pass, it still makes us feel like orphans. I'm so sorry that you have lost your dad. Is your mom still in the nursing home? That's tough, too. It's good to have someone to walk through this with us. Thanks for your response. Martha

I'm brand new to this, so I'm just plunging in. My mother died Oct. 25, after 6 months of a series of health calamities (heart attack, quadruple bypass surgery, bowel obstruction, numerous falls, boken neck, pneumonia, and sepsis). It was a very difficult time, especially since I'm an only child and the responsibility of it all fell to me. I wished for my two stillborn brothers whom I never knew. Now, my pastor (a really sweet guy) tries to encourage me with the thought that my dad (who died 32 years ago) and my brothers met Mother when she got to heaven. It IS a good thought, but it hurts. If they're all there together, that's good, but I'm not there with them. Finally, my family is all together, without me. It's like grieving for my dad all over again, now grieving for the brothers I never knew, and feeling terribly left out. Odd, random stuff hits me hard and makes me cry, often at inconvenient times. I know that this is normal, and will get better with time. I have a great counselor provided by the hospice who took care of Mother during her last three weeks. He's helped a lot and guided me to websites that would help, resulting in finding this particular discussion group. The biggest immediate weight is cleaning out Mother's apartment. Like others have posted, I have an urge to clean out my house and have nothing that is not necessary, so my sons will not have to go through it all. But I am so exhausted from the last 6 months that I just don't have the energy to tackle it right now. I'm trying to rest and take care of myself, finally. I don't have a question to ask, just wanted to share and be part of the group. It's good to know there are other people out there, and reading other posts has helped. Many/most(?) people don't know how to relate to me. They love me and want me to be "better", but for now, I'm just being me, walking through all this. Thanks for letting me share. Martha