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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

insanityizgood

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Daughter
  • Date of Death
    01/27/18
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Inspiration Hospice, UT

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  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Conroe, TX

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  1. My mother passed away yesterday morning, & I'm feeling not only devastated, emotionally drained/shocked, but tremendously guilty. She was an amazing woman who had been sick since before I was born. About two years ago she had a bone marrow transplant, & unfortunately developed Graft vs Host Disease. She fought so hard to get her life back, but GvHD is a very, very ugly disease & won out in the end. My aunt flew my sisters & I out to decide if we should continue the aggressive treatment or put her in hospice. As her medical power of attorney (I'm the oldest & I didn't know I was power of attorney until a week before this as my mother never talked to me about her wishes & her will is lost somewhere in storage) I had the biggest say, but I insisted my sisters voice their opinion because they're her kids too. Ultimately the decision was to send her home to my grandparents where all her things were, with a great hospice. I kept it together until I had to sign the DNR form. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I couldn't not sign it. The GvHD had rendered her blind, her body had stopped digesting food, her kidneys were failing, a stroke caused by a rare bacteria had rendered her paralyzed, barely coherent, & her body was all bloated from steroids & her skin was bruised, cracked, & bleeding in places. Earlier that day when I had my alone time with her & said everything I felt I needed to, she asked me to help her. It killed me to do it, but I signed it. I had to leave the next morning to come home out-of-state to tend to my sick one year old & his dad, & got the call early Saturday morning after having an extremely vivid dream where she told me she loved me (& I truly believe it was her spirit reaching out to me). She was surrounded by my sisters & the love of people who knew her, listening to her favorite music. Not hooked up to machines or in any pain. I keep telling myself she wanted it this way, reminding myself of all the times during the past two days she told one of my sisters (who was in denial & didn't want her to leave the hospital) she wanted to move on, of my own experience of her begging me to help her because she was in so much pain & suffering. That she was trapped in that sick body & she had reached her limit. Despite all of this, I feel so much guilt & it's tearing me apart. I know I didn't kill my mom or anything, but I still feel like she died because of me. Like maybe I should've convinced my family she had a fighting chance. But then I remember that the doctors said she'd be paralyzed, bedridden, & blind her entire life with her mental capacity even possibly worse & that my mother never would've wanted to live a life like that. Sorry this is so long. I miss my mom so much & we lost her so quickly. It just sucks & hurts so very much.
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