TeresaAnne

I had a person named Cheryl who took care of our Golden retriever Missy when we went on vacation about six months before Len passed away. And Cheryl was there when Len went to the hospital and after he had passed away, helping me and being supportive, and began caring for Missy when I returned to work. Cheryl's husband died six years ago and she told me, "I don't want anyone to go through what I did alone." Over the months she told me all about her loss and that she had sold her home because a meth addict next door poisoned her dogs to make them sleep so he could get into her home. Cheryl seemed high strung and anxious, but I figured she had done so much and was such a caring person. About six months following Len's death, Cheryl began needing help with looking on the computer for information because she did not know how to or did not have Internet. This spread into her asking me for help going on the Internet to find rentals in San Diego so she could move close to her daughter who had had a baby. Asking me to print out information and pictures of places, giving my email and phone number to the management at these places. Her paranoia would not allow her to provide information to apply for housing and she mailed any deposits overnight. She would call me at work and rant about minor dramas, immigrants, the homeless, and call to talk in the evening about her life and the problems in the world and how messed up everyone and everything is. Her desire was to move to a place where there only white people. She took a break in February from looking for a place in San Diego but last weekend asked me to go back on the Internet and look again and get information. I told her that the Internet is not the best source if one is planning to move to a new town and that it's a good idea to make a trip or two to check things out. When she came over this last Tuesday to walk Missy she left a nasty note and would not return my calls. Not knowing if she would take care of Missy the next day, I got someone else to take over who is more sensible and appreciates that extra money, and takes very good care of Missy and there is no drama. I felt as if Cheryl had high jacked a time during the first year of losing Len and there were times when I honestly felt that this is what happened. During the worst times here was this person inserting her life issues and problems. Have not spoken to Cheryl since then but I don't miss her.

When weekends come along I have this hard sense that I will be alone - not loneliness, but Len and I looked forward to my making breakfast and doing special things together. I was speaking with my friend yesterday who lost her partner 6 years ago about having this sensation/feeling when I got home on Friday and she asked, "Why?" I had no response. It's nice to have a few extra days off to sort things through and be kind to myself. My office is moving to a new building in two weeks for another 3 year lease and deep inside I want to stay where we are because it's comfortable and I'm used to it. It's as if finding and moving to my own place was enough moving. Not to have another change because this last year commuting and focusing on work was key in getting through a lot. And my firm and everyone there was so very supportive - that is the way they are. Seeing the packing crates and trying to get my mind around the details of moving were becoming overwhelming. And now I realize I need to accept this change and others, focus on my work and be my best. Because there will always be change, though not so much as last year. It's hard to focus and keep mentally sharp and this last year left me less so, so I'm reviewing old materials to help and give myself a sense of renewal and that I still "have it." Then there's self-care, taking time to be good and kind to myself. Just sitting here having coffee, being in my own place and looking out at the trees is calming. Terror and fear are things I'm working through - having a routine is very important. Shopping is odd, making lists and going to the store and trying to figure out what I need but am being minimal - only getting a few necessary things. But I have a list and wine and Cheetos are not on that list because I've done enough of that this last year. During the work-day, it would be good to get beyond stuffed pretzels at Barnes & Noble and a tuna sandwich at the coffee shop. But those have been treats for me as I get out of the office. I'm still adapting to living in my own place with my dog and figuring out the daily and being ok with what got done, or not.

Thank you Marg M. and KayC. I am in a very good place - seeing those old emails of Len's on Friday seemed to set me back or at least, brought a lot up. I lost quite a lot of myself caring for Len those last years and that can happen (it did!) Today doesn't seem so dark and I'm not crying. I used to walk a lot, go to yoga, church/spiritual retreats, garden (I grow herbs on my balcony).

Len and I were together for 20 years and he passed away last year. He would tell me, "You are my rock" and his doctor and friends also told me this. When I watched him pass away in the hospital, my first thought was "My life is over." We were not married but I was his power of attorney and executor and handled this through, sold his home, and closed the estate in December 2017. During this time his children hired an attorney which was very painful and Len would have been shocked at the bad behavior. Perhaps I didn't really grieve properly from the beginning because there was so much to handle, and then to find a home for myself and my Golden retriever Missy and move 5 months after he died. I found some emails from him yesterday that were so loving and personal that I had forgotten existed. I was strong for so many things this last year and now I'm so broken up, empty and alone, and sorting through quite a lot.