NoLastDance

Thank you so much for your reply! You summed up exactly how I've been feeling and you're right - as time has gone on it has become less difficult, but not easier. That is a great way to describe it. When I think about him now, I'm able to think of good times and smile, usually followed by a few tears, but I'm not feeling as lost as I was. I actually had a rough day yesterday just realizing how close the wedding is and that he won't be there. That thought always gets me, plus I had a stressful day at work and he is the person I call when that happens. I hate not being able to call. So I just let myself be sad last night, I cried pretty hard before bed, but my fiance was amazing and just held me. It's so up and down, but I'm trying to just go with the flow of my emotions. I'm so sorry to hear you lost your Mom, especially at only 23! I'm sure that's completely devastating, but it sounds like you are handling it really well and embracing it. You've given me invaluable advice. Letting it be and feeling whatever I'm feeling without needing to justify it is really helpful. I have gone to a couple grief counseling sessions to help work through it and my counselor gave me a great suggestion. It may help you as well. It was my Dad's birthday a few weeks ago so on that day, I planted a dwarf lemon tree for him (in a big pot so I can take it if I move). She said that having something to care for that represents your loved one can be really positive. It has been a HUGE help to me. I take my coffee in the morning and sit next to my tree (I named her Roberta - my Dad's name was Robert). The bit of humor in that feels good. I talk to her, water her, play my Dad's favorite music for her (Willie Nelson mainly) and it helps me to feel connected. You might want to give it a try. I can't tell you how much more positive it feels to talk to him in that form and care for something living that represents him. I wish you all the best and thank you again for such a kind message. Much love <3

Hi Everyone - My Dad passed away one week ago today. He had liver cirrhosis which lead to liver failure. I have known for 3+ years that this would eventually kill him. It was a very slow, painful, and difficult process to watch my Dad - the strongest man I've ever known, end up in the state he did. My step-mom and I took care of him the last 6 days before his passed and were doing in-home hospice care. My Dad and I were extremely close. I've spent nearly every weekend with him since he first got sick, talked to him on the phone every other day, and now that he is gone it doesn't feel real. I was concerned my Dad was holding on so long because he didn't want me to see him die. So last Thursday I talked to him and told him I'd be back in 6 hours and that if he wanted to let go, that was OK, but if he wanted me there I'd be back. He ended up passing an hour later even though the hospice nurse said he wasn't showing the immediate signs when I left. So I didn't see him die and I never saw the body. In my mind, it's like he's still alive. The week I spent caring for him is all a blur - it feels like a bad dream that I just can't wrap my head around. I cry occasionally, but only when I'm alone and really think about what has happened. I cried hysterically when he passed but only for a few minutes then sobbed on and off that day. I started back to work on Tuesday - 4 days after he passed and everyone looks at me like I'm an alien. They all say they are shocked at how well I'm handling it, but it's just because it doesn't seem real. No one knows what to say to me and it makes me feel like I'm some sort of heartless person. My Dad was my world and the pain of knowing he isn't here any longer will hit me harder than anything before, but it's like my brain won't let me figure that out. It's just like any other day and I think I'm freaking people out by not showing my devastation. I'm getting married in two months and I had everything planned out with my Dad - how we'd walk down the isle, the song we'd dance to, a photo montage to play in case he couldn't dance, he even had his outfit picked out - this should be completely devastating to me, but for some reason I can't wrap my head around it. I feel sort of dead inside and like I'm just a robot going through the motions of life - burying my Dad's death deep within me so it doesn't actually hurt. It's so confusing.