Hi Everyone -
My Dad passed away one week ago today. He had liver cirrhosis which lead to liver failure. I have known for 3+ years that this would eventually kill him. It was a very slow, painful, and difficult process to watch my Dad - the strongest man I've ever known, end up in the state he did. My step-mom and I took care of him the last 6 days before his passed and were doing in-home hospice care. My Dad and I were extremely close. I've spent nearly every weekend with him since he first got sick, talked to him on the phone every other day, and now that he is gone it doesn't feel real.
I was concerned my Dad was holding on so long because he didn't want me to see him die. So last Thursday I talked to him and told him I'd be back in 6 hours and that if he wanted to let go, that was OK, but if he wanted me there I'd be back. He ended up passing an hour later even though the hospice nurse said he wasn't showing the immediate signs when I left. So I didn't see him die and I never saw the body. In my mind, it's like he's still alive.
The week I spent caring for him is all a blur - it feels like a bad dream that I just can't wrap my head around. I cry occasionally, but only when I'm alone and really think about what has happened. I cried hysterically when he passed but only for a few minutes then sobbed on and off that day. I started back to work on Tuesday - 4 days after he passed and everyone looks at me like I'm an alien. They all say they are shocked at how well I'm handling it, but it's just because it doesn't seem real. No one knows what to say to me and it makes me feel like I'm some sort of heartless person. My Dad was my world and the pain of knowing he isn't here any longer will hit me harder than anything before, but it's like my brain won't let me figure that out. It's just like any other day and I think I'm freaking people out by not showing my devastation.
I'm getting married in two months and I had everything planned out with my Dad - how we'd walk down the isle, the song we'd dance to, a photo montage to play in case he couldn't dance, he even had his outfit picked out - this should be completely devastating to me, but for some reason I can't wrap my head around it.
I feel sort of dead inside and like I'm just a robot going through the motions of life - burying my Dad's death deep within me so it doesn't actually hurt.
It's so confusing.