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HardLove

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Everything posted by HardLove

  1. Thanks Rae... I was very engaged with reading your story and yes there are definitely some similarities here. As much as yes I’m a bit annoyed about the way she’s handled things and it feels as if she’s just abandoned it without trying. In fairness to her she’s not changed her story throughout, has been honest and said she needs time/space to sort herself out and that what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future. It’s not however commiting that she will try in the future, we’ve been on a few ‘dates’ and things over the 5 months, most of the time it’s like nothing has changed, even just cuddling watching films, but she wouldn’t commit to anything. Not even trying with the relationship and said she wants to take it very slow. She’s a very proud person and like your situation, she’s probably embarrassed by the situation and see’s it as a weakness as she’s always been very black and white/head strong. From all these other stories I can definitely see some positives to mine compared, but maybe I am being biased. At the moment she is just very angry at me, mainly for not proposing, telling her what I saw for our future or expressing my feelings towards her as she would’ve liked. We all get complacent from time to time and it seems that this happened. She was very stressed/tired before she left, she’d just started work for the first time and was working unsociable hours. It hit her hard and it felt like she was going to explode eventually, then with the death of her grandma I feel like it all got too much! When we spoke recently she says that I’m making it more stressful than it needs to be. We just need to concentrate on our own lives for now and when she straightened herself out it will give us the best chance in the future. I think ultimately I need to be stronger now and walk away, do my own thing, if it truly means that much to her she will come back. It always seems that once she gets an incling I’m waking away she suddenly seems to care more, that’s human nature I suppose. We’ve been through lots together as well, she moved into my family home at 17 due to family problems. The good thing is no grudges are held and nothing bad has been done or said. Our relationship meant the world to her and I think I definitely still do, maybe once this cloud of anger/grief fades she will see things clearer. I’ll keep you updated, but I feel much better from not being on social media and it’s only been 5 days!
  2. I agree with you completely. It’s been 5 months now, however we have seen eachother and spoken regularly throughout this period. Despite this however she’s always said from a week after she left that she needs to be left completely alone to sort things out. Her story hasn’t changed and she said this only last week. Now, I leave her completely m, do my own thing and if she gets in contact or not It will give me the answer. She’s definitely scared about me moving on and almost knows she’ll regret it, but if it means that much to her no doubt I’ll hear about it and she’ll put up some sort of fight to keep me. Time to turn the tables and gain some control of the situation rather than it be on her times which it has the whole 5 months. Our relationship in reality I had mainly dictated to a certain extent so it’s about time I stopped being weak and letting her keep me dangling.
  3. Absolutely I completely understand where you’re coming from. The main difference I’ve noticed however compared to almost all these stories is that she’s saying she is doing it to give US the best chance in the future. Also that she’s been trying to protect what we have, almost from herself, so that we have every chance of continuing at some point. I’ve not seen that from any other posts also she’s never said she doesn’t love or want to be with me. Just she cannot do any relationship right now, she needs to sort herself out. How long that will take is the hardest question and how long do you wait another....
  4. I’m currently going through a very similar experience, however as always there are slight differences to the tale. I honestly don’t know what to do or where I’ll end up, I suppose the main positives I have is that my ex says what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future of continuing. She still says she loves me, but at the moment is so full of anger towards me especially, she’s bringing up all of the mistakes I’ve made in the 9 years we’ve been together. She says she needs time and space to work on herself. My only thing at the moment is that I can still make her smile, even when she doesn’t want to and she returns to the person I knew, even if it’s for a few minutes. It gives me hope. I’ve probably made the situation worse by constantly trying to push for answers the last few months and occasionally saying some things that weren’t nice and untrue. I wish I’d left her alone months ago, but I do feel like I had to fight for her to try prove it’s really inportant to me and everything I want. I can do nothing more to prove it to her anymore, she’s got to come back on her own accord. You’re not alone, it doesn’t make it any easier however.
  5. I agree completely. I do feel like she has tried to push me away to protect what could potentially be salvaged in the future. She’s said from the week after she left that she would just push me to a point where we can’t return from if we were to try now. She’s also said that what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future so I guess I have to put my trust in her judgement. This has been a repeated comment from the start of all this and was only said just last week also. She’s asked for space but I guess a few weeks is not the kind of space she needs, it needs to be longer than that. I will blame myself for not giving her the time or space but I’ve felt the need to really fight for this and look for answers. I truly love her dearly, she’s my best friend and I certainly don’t hold any grudges over anything that’s happened. I don’t think she does either, however she does seem to be bringing up my mistakes from many years ago which is unfair. We were very young and made some mistakes to hurt eachother, we never cheated on eachother or anything that serious which has to be a positive. The way I got her to smile last week and the way she looked at me fills me with hope that it’s still there, but I need to back off completely or it will just keep making it worse as you say.
  6. That is ultimately a big worry of mine, even if we were to sort things out in the future, is this how she’s going to react when things go wrong. It has to be a huge worry.
  7. Yes I have read many threads and your replies. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. It seems very apparent that she’s very angry at the world and Is ultimately taking it out on me, bringing up every small thing that’s happened over the years. I’ve asked if this is all about what I’ve done? And she says she’s just a big ball of anger right now. She still says that she loves me and is hopeful that in time her mindset will change. She seems very bitter about things right now, especially about the possibility of me moving on. She seems scared about the fact she will end up alone and ultimately will regret letting me go, but she can’t be with me right now and needs to straighten herself out. I am going to take your advice and cut off contact completely even on social media. All we do at the minute is argue, even when we are just talking generally and it seems all she wants to do is to bring up the past and make me feel like this is all my fault. I’m still hopeful that maybe in a few months time or so, the person I knew will return, but I suppose only time will tell. I understand in grief people get very selfish, it seems very apparent that’s what’s happened, she still shows me glimpses of the person I knew but it’s buried deep beneath the anger and frustration currently. I will keep you all updated and appreciate your time.
  8. Have read plenty of these forums and thought I would share my story for people to possibly advise on and hopefully, eventually find hope from the end result when there is one. It's been an absolute nightmare of a situation and one I can't see getting any better for a long time right now. My partner of 9 years, we were very young when we got together, left me back in October of last year, I must also add that we’d been living together for the past 6 years. She'd recently started work for the first time since leaving University and got very busy very quickly, to the point where it felt like she would burn herself out as she was basically working, sleeping, working, sleeping. This was causing strain on the relationship, but we were still finding ways to do things together, going to concerts, out for dinner etc. I have to say that all the effort did seem to be coming from my side, possibly because she was exhausted and didn’t really have the want or energy to do anything. It felt like her focus was elsewhere and not on me, at the time I assumed ‘someone else’ however it’s become much more apparent that her focus was on work and also taking care of her Grandma/Family. In fairness I was being complacent in our relationship to a point, also very focused with my business trying to build a future for us, but I was making a real effort with it once I felt it was slipping away. However this then coincided with her Grandma, who she was very close to, being diagnosed with Terminal cancer and ultimately not having long left to live. This was when the real issues started. She became very distant from me and completely disinterested in the relationship. We began to argue as I assumed there was something else going on with someone and within 2 weeks she’d packed some of her things and moved back home. During the lead up to her leaving she was spending a lot of time with her Grandma and comforting her family understandably. A week after she left, she basically said that she couldn’t hold down a relationship right now and that she needed to be on her own to sort herself out. Obviously this hit me very hard and panic stations hit. I found it very difficult to understand what was going on and in all honesty, was very pushy towards her for answers about why she was doing this and why she wouldn’t let me be there for her like I always had. Very sadly her Grandma passed away a couple of weeks later. She wanted me to attend the funeral which I did and I was glad I could be there for her on such a difficult day. Since then I’d constantly searched for answers, pushing her for a reason for what she was doing, but she simply replied every time ‘I need to sort myself out; I’ll just push you away and to a point where we can’t return’. We’ve seen each other on and off once every few weeks since then, sometimes going a couple of weeks without a single word being said, but I’ve found it very difficult to do as when we’d see each other it would be like nothing had changed, but then she’d leave and it went back to being distant. There’d been various times where she’d get very anxious, especially about going out and doing things, which is completely unlike her. Now the last few times I’ve seen her it’s been very upsetting, she just doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me and she’s very angry at me for all of the little things I did wrong in our relationship. Mainly for not proposing to her, which I was planning on doing at some point this year and something as simple as doing the washing. I can see she’s not happy whenever I see her however, she also tells me she’s dealing with whatever is going on in her head, it’s like talking to someone who is emotionless and in her words ‘never wants a relationship again’ and ‘doesn’t feel anything, basically numb’. The last month or so I’ve tried my best to take a backwards step and just try to build her up, make her feel good, rather than telling her how bad it’s been making me feel. She has always been one to put on a front when she’s not ok and she seems completely fine to everyone else, including her family which is frustrating. It’s very upsetting to see and ultimately it’s put my mind in a bit of state, I feel myself thinking about it 24/7 and struggle with doing nothing to try fix it. It’s in my nature, when something is wrong; to do all I can to fix it, where I have no doubt some things are best left alone. I don’t want to just abandon her, as ultimately I want to be there for her and don’t want her to move on/forget about me. I saw my whole life and future with this woman and still do ultimately. I’ve tried to suggest that she go and see someone about everything as there’s clearly a lot of built up frustration and anger but she is too head strong. I can’t help but feel I’ve made things a lot worse by pushing her for answers throughout the entire time and at times being angry towards her for what she’s done to me, also telling her I’m moving on as I don’t know what to do. I’ve accused her at times of moving on, being with other people, replacing me, but she obviously denies this and says she has no interest in doing so, but It’s very hard to just sit there and trust her with no reassurance that she ever wants our relationship. She's not once messaged me first in the last 5 months, which has been very obvious that she can't or doesn't want to make any effort with the relationship right now. She says that what she's doing will give us the best chance in the future, so I suppose for now I have to just leave her to do her own thing and hopefully she returns, however it's hard to wait for something that you have no reassurance about. I saw her only last week, she seemed very down about the whole emotion and almost depressed about things etc, however at the end of it, I managed to get a proper smile out of her and for 2 minutes I was looking into the eyes of the person I knew. It felt like a huge release for her at the time, but then she left and I've not heard from her since. I would never hold anything against her and have always had the best intentions to try to sort things out between us and ultimately get a chance to make her happy. In recent times, I've done some very sentimental things (Writing letters etc) which I have no doubt will mean a lot to her, so hopefully they can be my voice when I apparently can't be there to help. I think the hardest thing I've lived with is the guilt of everything she's told me I've done wrong in our relationship, however no doubt this takes two for it to fail. Very hard to say what happens next....
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