In February 2018, my baby cousin hung herself three days before her 16th birthday. When I heard the news from her brother right after I came home from a hospital rotation, I collapsed onto the floor and almost could not believe the truth. I went to see her and some people seem to think that I was a fool for not protecting myself from that terrible sight. I went to her funeral and then the crematory and fell onto the floor outside the crematory after too much crying.
A few months before that terrible event, she had convinced everyone that all the counseling sessions were helping and that her life at home with her mother had been improving. Her parents were divorced and her mother tried to prevent her from seeing our side of the family whenever she could. No matter how much I tried to reach out to her, she would always pretend like things were okay because she did not want to be a burden.
It has been about 6 months since she passed away and I still don't feel okay. She was like my little sister in a way. When she first passed away, I felt numb and my mind played tricks on me to make me think that I would see her again soon next weekend or next month because she was busy, etc. Grieving is difficult when one have a good support system and is even more difficult when one doesn't. Her dad misses her every day and has a hard time sleeping because of it. My siblings and I really miss her too. But some of my family, including my parents, did not want the family to be cursed by her actions from a religious standpoint, so they deleted and cut out all of her pictures from the family albums an taped those pictures back together and act as though she never existed in the first place. They think that it will help her to move on faster too. It doesn't make any sense to me. They forbid anyone from talking about her too.
When she first passed away, I had a few months of pharmacy school left. I graduated but still need to pass some more tests before I can become a practicing pharmacist. I passed the clinical board exam but failed my state law exam by a few points during a fever. I am not working right now because grieving has caused memory loss which makes it hard for me to multi-task. I don't want to potentially make any mistakes that could hurt patients either. I feel angry all the time now and am always wanting to punch walls. No one seems to understand and people look down on me for not having control of my emotions. My immune system isn't handling things well either. I keep getting sick and it negatively impacts my abilities to concentrate and study. My hormone levels and anxiety levels are out of wack. I don't know how to forgive myself for things that I couldn't control. I want to apply for jobs but am not in a state to do so with me feeling so angry right now.
One day, when I learn how to move forward from all of this, I want to be able to do what I can to help patients the way I used to. But right now, I feel extremely frustrated with myself for not knowing how to handle my grief. I tried to seek out help with counseling but can't pay for all the sessions because of student loans that I was forced to pull out for school. I am trying to concentrate on studying for my law exam but have had to put that off because I seem to be a big sobbing mess all the time now.
