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Blue Captain

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About Blue Captain

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    Advanced Member

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  • Interests
    music, books, bike rides, swimming, running

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Blue Captain

    How to Reassure a Kid

    Madam KayC and Madam MartyT, Thank you for the advice. With respects, Blue Captain
  2. I'm not sure where exactly to put this among the categories. The grief in here is hypothetical, a "what if" question from my brother. Recently we watched Big Hero 6. It's a story of Hiro Hamada, a boy genius obsessed with robots. He and his big brother Tadashi, a college student, live with their aunt. Hiro is convinced by Tadashi to apply for a spot at the university by joining an exhibit. While the brothers hang out at the university, a fire breaks out at one building and Tadashi dies as he tries to help. Hiro continues to live with their aunt. My little brother has this question: "Who will take care of me if you die?" He knows that Dad and the house staff will be there. But he's worried that nobody will look after him "like you"--more on the emotional side of things such as having someone to talk to without being called a whiner or answer his questions. I assured him that I'm not going to keel over dead soon, that I'm in good health. I'll be away at college but we can still talk and that there are extinguishers and stuff in buildings to help people in case of fire. Then he promptly reminded me of what I said about death before--that some people die young, others die old. I realize that this fear is real for him. I could not say he could go to our father, and the house staff isn't on the list too. How do I go about this?
  3. Blue Captain

    To Let Go or Not?

    Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for your advice as well as for the book and the podcast. I'll listen to the podcast and find the book too. With respects, Blue Captain
  4. Blue Captain

    To Let Go or Not?

    Dear Madam KayC, Thank you for your advice and for keeping us in your prayers. With respects, Blue Captain
  5. Blue Captain

    To Let Go or Not?

    Dear Mr George, Thank you very much for your advice. Happy Fathers' Day too. With respects, Blue Captain
  6. Blue Captain

    To Let Go or Not?

    Am I living in a fantasy world if I am hoping that the Dad I knew before Mom died is hidden there somewhere, and that he would come back to us? Should I begin to let him go and live life with the knowledge that he is gone forever, buried with Mom? If I do have to let go, how do I start? And what do I tell my brother? I am holding the fort and never said anything negative about Dad, telling him that Dad loves us but is too sad because Mom died and he's still grieving. I never gave a categorical answer to my brother's questions if the way dad was before Mom died will be back. I only said I don't know and we could pray for it. But Fathers Day is around the corner again and I'm really wondering if I'm doing things right.
  7. Dear Mr Russ, You will be in my prayers. With respects, Blue Captain
  8. Blue Captain

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    This is not grief related. Life is just too much the last few weeks, help would be great. In my brother's school, a girl hit a boy. We talked about it, and I said, "If that happens to you, tell your teacher or any adult." Then I reminded him it's not good to hit anyone, boy or girl. We got talking about tae kwon do. I explained that it is for self defence, that it is for protecting yourself and not kicking people just because you can. And then my brother went, "What if there aren't any adults?" I said, "First, tell the person to stop because you don't like getting hit. Walk away if you can, and find help. If he or she doesn't listen and you can't walk away, protect yourself." He got curious about why there is "girl power" but no "boy power." I explained that the girl power motto is to encourage girls to be brave and not be afraid to protect themselves. And that the rules apply to boys too, that we should not be scared to protect ourselves when needed. His nanny overheard us and berated me for "teaching violence to a child with that accursed martial art and prejudiced thinking." Then she told my brother to not listen to me and to never hit a girl no matter what, because girls are sweet, they'd never hit anyone. That if a girl hits him, he should be a man and walk away. That girls should be loved, cherished and protected. Then she said, "Do you want to hit your Mom?" Of course, my brother said no. I'm all for loving, respecting, and cherishing girls. And not hitting them--and anybody--just for the sake of hitting. And I'm all for girls learning skills to protect themselves. But I have a problem with what Nanny said--that girls will never hit any person. It happens in school and on the playground. I've seen it in my own school: walking away too often will make you an easy target. Bullies never attack with an adult watching, but there are times when adults are not around. How do I go about this with my brother? I want him to be a gentleman, but I don't want him to be a pushover.
  9. Blue Captain

    Failed Conversation with an Adult

    Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for the tips. I couldn't bring myself to push my brother away, anyway so I'm not following the staff's advice. I could probably scan my stash and upload it on cloud or an email address created for my brother. I'm just worried because, as pointed out by Madam KayC, little kids can be careless sometimes. All it takes is one time to forget to logout and the files will be seen by the wrong person. Then all hell breaks lose. We have agreed on schedules for Skype days and the best time to call each other (since my college is in a state with another time zone). What can I do about his nightmares though (aside from calming him down when it happens)? Should I call my father's aides and ask for a doctor? The nanny assigned to my brother thinks it will pass and not to do anything (just that, no advice). I can't just sit by and watch him scream and thrash at night. Hearing him beg me not to leave or beg Mom's forgiveness for "forgetting" is just not cool.
  10. Blue Captain

    Failed Conversation with an Adult

    How can I help my brother deal with the “loss” he feels about me going to college? I know that’s not the anticipatory loss we talk about in here. I am totally lost and don't know who to ask. I decided to post here because the advice I got hasn't steered me wrong so far and I have nothing to lose. If this post offends anyone, I apologize in advance. I will happily delete this, all you need to do is tell me. Or the admin can do it too. I will also accept punishment, even if it means getting booted out of this forum. *** In the early days of senior year, my little brother was fine with me leaving for college. I made a promise that we'd stay in touch by phone or Skype; explained that there are very busy days and I won't be able to call, but to tell him so he'll know I’m busy with schoolwork. Also that I’ll come home on Christmas and summer and if chances come in between. The fact that I'm leaving for college soon has sunk in and he's not liking it. His reactions are more visible--being clingy, asking for a camp out in my room or his room. He’s worried about two things: living alone at home and forgetting what Mom looks like. He has nightmares about me never coming home. I looked for tips online, but what I found are those for younger siblings who will stay at home with Mom and Dad. Tips like “Point out that you will be able to spend more time with them because their older sibling is away at college.” I followed “Validate feelings.” So my brother knows that I’ll miss him too, and that living away from home is a daunting experience for me as living at home is for him. Aside from that, nothing. About forgetting what Mom looks like, I’m really broken about this. Memories of little kids are not so good. The fact that he only saw Mom’s photos in secret doesn’t help. I’ll take the pictures with me when I leave and won’t give him a copy. I assured him that he’s not a bad kid and that Mom would understand, because of our situation. And that I’ll give him a copy of all photos in my stash one he’s 18. (“But, I’ll be old by then.”) The staff will look after him, but they’re not exactly on his “talk to” list. The staff tend to dismiss our feelings as “teen phase” or “child phase.” I’ve been winging it with the help of Google since I realized I couldn’t talk to them. My talk with the staff got nowhere. They were polite but told me that their kids were fine when older ones left. Or that my brother needs to “learn that college is normal.” I agreed, but pointed out that their kids had parents, and my brother will need help with the new experience. The oldest among them huffed and told me to stop coddling my brother because "normal children went through this and survived." Or “Two weeks you’ll be in [place] and he’ll have you to himself…. Children these days, honestly. We were always alone in my time.” They suggested that I start distancing myself from my brother so he’ll get used to me not being around.
  11. Blue Captain

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    Dear Madam KayC, Thank you for explaining. With respects, Blue Captain
  12. Blue Captain

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    Dear Madam MartyT, I've learned to live with the fact that Dad is here but he's not checking in with us. Sometimes it still hurts though. And I miss the Dad I knew before Mom died. We drove Mom crazy by nicking cookies fresh from baking, just Dad and me flying or riding bikes around town. I know it's no use living in the past. It's just, I miss it and wonder what happened. I guess the question of my classmate sent my mind into overdrive. And I wish that sometimes when my brother asks a question I have something better than "Sorry Wingman, I don't know. I'm lost like you." Or that if I need some life tips, I can ask someone without worrying if my words sound polite or if I sound like a jerk. I know that sometimes the words we use or our voice will give a different meaning to the real thing. And I find myself thinking "I wouldn't have to worry about that stuff with a parent." With respects, Blue Captain
  13. Blue Captain

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    Dear Madam KayC, Thank you for your words. The question is popping less in my head, not like a banging sledgehammer.. And thank you for reassuring me that I am the captain of my own destiny (that sounds like Invictus 😁 ) I'll make a mental note to take parenting classes too, when I have kids one day--that's a good idea. I understand knowing the "don'ts" but not knowing the "do's." About talking to Dad one day, how will I know that the time is right? With respects, Blue Captain
  14. Blue Captain

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    I talked to a classmate and he made me think of something. Now I can't get it out of my head. He knows what's going on in my family and his opinion is that Dad is a having a "Severus Snape situation." Snape is a teacher from Harry Potter. He loved Harry's mom Lily, but Lily loved and married James Potter instead. Their son, Harry, looks like James but has Lily's eyes. When Harry goes to school, Snape hates his guts because in Harry he sees the man he hated and the woman he loved and lost. My classmate has this opinion that Dad is distancing himself from me and my brother maybe because he sees Mom in both of us and it reminds him that she's gone. My brother especially, since he looks like Mom except his eyes and hair. (I look like Dad except my eyes) I don't know if what he said is the real reason of Dad's actions, but I can't help but think. Obviously I can't know the truth unless Dad or someone tells me. No point asking because I don't want to be in trouble. And then my classmate asked, "What are you gonna do or say if it is?" I snorted at him, but that question is like an awful tease in my head right now. Telling Dad "What about looking at us and thinking of the happy stuff instead" doesn't sound right to my ears.
  15. Blue Captain

    When Mom is Contraband

    Dear Madam KayC, Yes Ma'am, I will leave a few days before classes begin. I'm thinking of writing my memories of Mom in a notebook then maybe having him read it when he will visit me at college or just to preserve it. I wish I could tell the staff to cut my brother some slack for one picture. Like it's our mother, not an obscene poster, let him keep it in his room and don't tattle. I understand why they follow Dad's instructions to the letter, they need the job. It's frustrating though. As to those who envy my position (or adults who tell me I'm very lucky and blessed) I always tell them it's not all sunshine and daisies. The one thing I want is a parent who cares like "hey kid, what have you been up to?" Most kids at school angrily wish their parents would go away and leave them to be free and I think "If you only knew..." I don't know the homelife of my schoolmates. Maybe the kid who said that has helicopter parents or maybe it's just one of those teen moments that kids my age go through. I just can't help but think longingly sometimes, that at least their parents care about them outside the goal of one day holding the reins of the family firm. With respects, Blue Captain