Blue Captain

I feel a bit tired of being a substitute father. I love my brother very dearly but there things only a father can give or do. My little brother observes more; his questions are getting more difficult to answer. He factors in on some of my decisions, like when I had to choose between going home or joining my friends on a Spring break trip--the parental question of "Should I go on a trip when I haven't seen my kid for a long time?" I talked to someone about this. They told me to leave the raising to my father and that my brother is not my problem. There's also the warning that I might hate having kids one day because I had a kid while I am a kid. I understand that, but I cannot bring myself to do it. Even though my brother has found parent figures in his best friend's parents, having a family that cares is still different. Foisting raising my brother into other people doesn't sound right. It is very easy to do what they said--the staff can feed him, do the laundry, clean the house, and help with homework. But raise him--no. The little voice in my head tugs at me like "Are you really going to leave your brother hanging?" I'd love to be like any other college kid who can go anywhere on Spring break and worry about just the Internship during summer. Unforunately, that's a pipe dream. I'm getting tired but I don't want to abandon the little man.

My house didn't feel like home when I came back for Christmas. It felt like a film set or stage set, that I had to be a different person again. Mom was back to being taboo and it was very difficult. Guess I got used to seeing her photos at my apartment or freely speaking of her while at school. The urge to bolt was there but my little brother helped me control it. On another note, there's this couple I met at college-- nice people who I became friends with. To them I'm a regular college kid not a stereotypical rich kid. Over time, I came to see them as parent figures. Is that normal? Am I unknowingly replacing my parents?

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you very much for helping. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for your reply. I understand what you mean about the saying not taken literally. How do I explain that to a kid though?

Madam KayC, Thank you for your reply Blue Captain

My brother learned the meaning of "actions speak louder than words" from a story and now he's confused about Dad's love for him. I explained that Dad is sad about Mom and he's not up to giving hugs or hanging out yet. "But you do," the little man counters. Then he tells me that his friend's Dad gives hugs, tell stories at bedtime and plays with them (during sleepovers). "And actions speak louder than words," he finishes. How do I proceed from here? From his point of view my verbal assurance that Dad loves us is not proven by Dad's actions.

Dear Madam KayC, I know he's not my responsibility, it's just that I feel someone has to step up because Dad has gone AWOL emotionally. Sometimes it's easy to handle, other times I'm wondering whether I'm doing things right or not 😵. Those around me constantly go on about how kids will retain for life the stuff taught to them. I'm not perfect, not even grown up enough to be a father but I'm hoping that the little man's life won't be too messed up because of what he learned from me.

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for the advice and the link to the article about suicide. With respects, Blue Captain

My brother got in trouble because he wished to go to heaven to be with mom. This is what happened: My brother and I Skyped and he talked about his first sleepover at his best friend's house. He said it was the best thing ever because he got to experience having a mom prepare his food and milk, playing with a dad, and a bedtime story from a parent. He wished he could go to heaven "to be with Mommy." I understand where he's coming from so I didn't think it was a red flag. Thing was he left his door open during our Skype time and Dad heard what he said. Apparently, Dad told him wishing to die young was bad. He wants answers what was wrong with what he said since Dad doesn't talk about Mom at all, and "is it bad to want a mommy." What should I do?

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for helping me with the therapy homework. :-)

How can you know that you are healed from grief? Is it possible that you are healed but still can't stand to look at the stuff of the person who passed away-- including pictures and people who look like them (children, siblings, a stranger, etc)?

Dear Madam MartyT and Madam KayC, Thank you for your replies. With respects, Blue Captain

I've been reading online on what to do during the first meetings. Some questions are: purpose and plan (from what the article said it sounds like a timeline). How do I answer these questions politely? It sounds quite rude to say that my father told me--more like ordered--to have therapy. I have no timeline because I don't know how this works. What is the normal timeline for grief therapy for teens? I realize that there is no definite timeline and it will be different for every person. But is there some sort of period to gauge if therapy is working? (The article said counselling is not for life).

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you. With respects, Blue Captain

How do I pick a therapist? Dad gave me a list to choose from: eight men and women, all old enough to be my parents, grief experts and dealing with teens. But their introduction is full of medical jargon and I don't understand anything. "I'm a member of [society/fellowship] and my methods are [method names]. I've tried Googling some of the words but it's way out of my league. Good news is that the therapists I'm to choose from are near where I'll be for college. I know that their profile pictures can't be the sole basis and the first few sessions would be a way of gauging whether the therapist and I can click or not. Should I just pick one at random and see if it works?

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for sending the links. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Mr Kieron, Thank you for giving a rundown of what happens in the clinic. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Madam KayC, Yes, I speak in this forum. The reason I do is because I cannot and will not see the faces of the people who join in. So at least it's one less judgmental stare, one less loaded body language. I hope it makes sense and that I don't offend anybody with that. But it's like the screen of my computer or phone acts as an armour of some sort. I'll give this shrink thing a shot. And I'll check in from time to time too, Ma'am. With respects, Blue Captain

Dad ordered me to see a shrink and talk about Mom to make sure that I won't "do anything ridiculous" (read: drugs, booze, getting a girl pregnant or other nasties) while away at college. I asked him how he thought I'd do something like that but he said kids do stupid stuff once we get away from home and those who had experienced grief and trauma lash out this way. I was really offended that he'd think I'm capable of doing that. But there's no getting around it. The law was laid down. I'd told him I'm wary of talking to a stranger because of my experience with talking to adults about Mom. I can see judgment in their body language, in their words. These people know me yet they had conclusions before anything started. How much more a stranger? I haven't been to a support group ever. And I'm really not into talking about personal topics with people I don't know. Dad grunted and told me to stop being a baby. What really happens when people visit a shrink? All I know is what I see in movies (lying on the sofa and talking while the shrink takes notes). Websites say shrinks are professionals and keep secrets. What else? I don't know how it works. And I don't like to walk into the clinic behaving weirdly.

Dear Madam KayC and Madam MartyT, Thank you for the advice. With respects, Blue Captain

As I write this, I'm attending a function with my father. The event is okay though a bit boring--but I guess every teen will agree business talk is not a good way to spend a summer night. I just have a problem with some ways guests are behaving. Some I have talked to are kind of romanticizing the grief brought about by Mom's death. Like Dad is some sort of tragic hero because his wife died and he's still grieving after all these years. Or that I'm a superhero for not being a brat and going to a good business college. I get comments about manning up or being compared to Ironman for taking care of my brother (that from an old lady). This might not sound off in writing; the way they say it and the looks do, though. I understand that grieving has no time limit and it's different for every person. One even said that Dad "should hire governesses, maybe he'll find a new wife with one of them, right? Haha" This completely confuses me. We're not aristocrats, we live in the 21st century and go to school like every kid on the planet. Who hires governesses anyway? I read that governesses were like nannies and teachers rolled into one. I am also taken aback that some think finding a wife after being a widower is easy as getting a new laptop when the old one goes out of commission. Or personal questions like "If your Dad remarries, are you okay with it?" Maybe the governess comment was a joke, but I find the comment off. As to remarriage, I'll talk to my father about it, in private. I am doing my best to stay polite, smile and keep my thoughts to myself. I'm being excused for not saying much since this is my first function. Just in case this happens again in the future, how should I handle them without sounding like a stuck up snob? Thank you.

Madam KayC and Madam MartyT, Thank you for the advice. With respects, Blue Captain

I'm not sure where exactly to put this among the categories. The grief in here is hypothetical, a "what if" question from my brother. Recently we watched Big Hero 6. It's a story of Hiro Hamada, a boy genius obsessed with robots. He and his big brother Tadashi, a college student, live with their aunt. Hiro is convinced by Tadashi to apply for a spot at the university by joining an exhibit. While the brothers hang out at the university, a fire breaks out at one building and Tadashi dies as he tries to help. Hiro continues to live with their aunt. My little brother has this question: "Who will take care of me if you die?" He knows that Dad and the house staff will be there. But he's worried that nobody will look after him "like you"--more on the emotional side of things such as having someone to talk to without being called a whiner or answer his questions. I assured him that I'm not going to keel over dead soon, that I'm in good health. I'll be away at college but we can still talk and that there are extinguishers and stuff in buildings to help people in case of fire. Then he promptly reminded me of what I said about death before--that some people die young, others die old. I realize that this fear is real for him. I could not say he could go to our father, and the house staff isn't on the list too. How do I go about this?

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for your advice as well as for the book and the podcast. I'll listen to the podcast and find the book too. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Madam KayC, Thank you for your advice and for keeping us in your prayers. With respects, Blue Captain