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About CairnLady

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Frankfort, Ky

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. All this time I never even noticed that “Donate” button, so thank you Marty T for this post. I just made a donation and glad to do it.
  2. I’m so glad you’re here kayc...the years have given you an insight and wisdom that I cherish. I am still very much a cork lost in the ocean, and your words offer hope to me when I have little. Your advice on finding something good in each day is an example, and I have made it a practice for myself each day.
  3. CairnLady

    It hurts so bad

    Amy, I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your children. I too lost my beloved husband suddenly and traumatically in July 2016. Your grief is so raw and overwhelming at this point. When you feel you have the strength, I would like to suggest a book that I found to be most valuable to me on my grief journey. “I Wasn’t Ready To Say Goodbye - surviving, coping, & healing after the sudden death of a loved one” My prayers for you and your children.
  4. CairnLady

    Solitary Grief

    Darrel, Thank you for sharing that, so very beautiful!
  5. I too would like to give thanks for all of you here. I’ve gained much in the way of understanding that I am not “wrong”, and that I have every right to grieve in my own way and in my own time. I recognize myself in one way or another in so many posts I read, and gain the bit of strength I need each day to press on. For each and every one of us I pray: May we all be healthy May we all be safe May we all find peace May we all have some happiness in our lives.
  6. I too was totally abandoned by family and friends after my beloved Michael was ripped away from me, and I too had a long list of some of the nastiest things said to me. To these people it was like I had lost my keys. Here’s a small sample of unsolicited “expert opinions” (The “experts” of course are people who have never suffered a major loss in their self absorbed lives) that I’ve been subjected to: I need to fix myself. Did I expect people to drop everything just because Michael died? I’m too emotional. I need to get a boyfriend I need to “pull myself out of it” They (the “experts”) don’t know who I am anymore. I have removed these idiots from my life forever and will never have anything to do with them again. It wasn’t hard since they weren’t there for me anyway, and never would be.
  7. CairnLady

    Delayed Grief

    I read this comment in a post online from someone about a year ago, and it really struck me because it is exactly how I felt, and still feel. I recognized myself completely, as I do in all of your posts, but am not always able to articulate my feelings...... ”My heart and my mind ride around in this empty shell that used to be me....”
  8. Oh, I forgot to mention that’s it’s free to light a candle.
  9. Below is a link where you can light a permanent virtual candle for your beloved, with a personal message. Once you have your candle lit, I suggest copying the URL and saving it, so it’s easy for you to locate your candle and go right to it later on. I lit one for my husband a while back. https://condolencemessages.net/light-a-candle
  10. CairnLady

    Completely lost....

    My heart breaks for you. Hang on, a second at a time. Everything you are feeling is normal, even though you think you’re going crazy. As MartyT said, get to a qualified grief counselor as soon as you can. I pray for you and your son. I’m hoping that you have family and friends around you to support you and your son during this terrible time. Keep coming back here. Bless you and your son.
  11. Darrel, I haven’t posted anything in quite a while, but have been reading posts of others almost every day. Your posts are very important (as are others) because I can recognize myself in so many ways, and not feel like I’m “wrong”, or “weak” for my grief, which still consumes me each day. A little over 2 years and I still cry everyday. Your “one foot in front of the other” always helps me whenever I feel that I just can’t do this anymore. just wanted you to know you are helping others ❤️❤️❤️ CairnLady
  12. April, my heart breaks for you. As others have posted you will find understanding and as much solace as possible here. I lost my husband (best friend, soulmate) suddenly almost 2 years ago. You will never be the same again, so don’t let others who have no clue tell you how you should feel, think, or act or judge you and try to make you feel “wrong”. I’ve had nothing but that from people (family and so called friends) and it is horrible some of the things that come out of people’s mouths. They have no idea because it hasn’t happened to them, but they all think they are experts and will try to “fix” you because your grief makes them uncomfortable. Do what you feel is right for you. Take things one day, one hour, or one second at a time. You are indeed still in shock. Find yourself a counselor/therapist that specializes in grief. My psychiatrist also told me to stay away from anti-depressants for a least 2 years as they will just mask your grief and it will resurface later. I followed his advice, but I also don’t believe in those types of drugs. Obviously you may choose a different path, as our grief journey is unique for each of us. You need to feel your grief, that, unfortunately is the only way through to some kind of healing from your terrible loss. Also be aware that people/family you thought would be there for you may abandon you. I hope that’s not the case for you and that you have all the loving support you need and deserve, but again I speak from my own experience. i am so sorry for your loss, hugs and love to you. keep coming here, we all “get it” and are walking the grief road too. Bless you. ❤️❤️❤️
  13. Yes, I too have “witching hours” which are the worst of the worst. Mine is the mornings, I never sleep well, but like clockwork, around 6:30 am I become riddled with angst and terrible anxiety. I believe (and my grief counselor says it probably is as well) that it’s because 6:30am was when I got the call from that cold and callous doctor to tell me “my husband was going to die” and I collapsed on the floor (I was all alone, then, as I am now, and have been since he had the stroke) . That day was July 7th, our wedding anniversary and anniversary of the day we met. I believe it made a terrible “imprint” on me, (aside from the PTSD I now have) emotionally, physically, on my very soul. Then I have to face the fact again, over and over, that my beloved Michael is gone and never coming back. I get out of the bed and break down crying immediately. I call it the morning grief ambush, and sometimes the grief ambushes go on all day. Some days I can pull myself together a bit after I spend some times with my dogs, who always come to me when I cry, to comfort me. Weekends are horrible as well. Cripes, every day is a struggle, and every day I wonder if I can make it, keep going.
  14. Well, I managed to survive yesterday. I actually feel sick and exhausted today, from all of the crying and stress of yesterday I’m sure. i wanted to thank you all so much for your replies and wishes for solace, and for the simple understanding, really knowing how hard it was for me. I’ve received no such understanding, or even an attempt to understand from anyone else, except my grief counselor. A recent comment from my self-absorbed sister was “I don’t even know who you are anymore”. Ironically, how correct she is, but I certainly know exactly who they are, which is why I made the decision to remove them from my life.