Ashajiia

Thank you, for the encouraging words. I'm trying to be patient with myself and allow my self to just grieve. As the calls and concern of my friends and distant family are seeming to slow down, I feel that I'm turning inward, to a place of loneliness. I'm trying to keep a strong face for my husband and child, but I don't feel like being strong right now.

Thank you MartyT. I will look at the resources you suggested.

I was the caregiver for my mother for the past 9yrs, she suffered from multiple chronic illnesses, in household. I did not know what caregiver burnout was until I started having continuous anxiety issues and panic attacks, insomnia, etc. As an only child I was responsible for it all. I made the decision for my health and the sake of my child that I need to explore other options. I decided I had no other choice than SNF. After starting the process over 6 months ago. We finally received word of an opening at a facility close to home. Great reviews both on line and from close friends. My mother was entered the SNF on 4/23. She passed away on 5/9 due to kidney failure. I am completely crushed. I feel empty inside. I am flooded with what if's. I feel like i betrayed her. Though I sat by her side to the end. I was just so hopeful that she would thrive at the facility. I looked forward to going there sitting w/ her in the courtyard. Taking my child for visits. I was so hopeful. I feel like she gave up because she felt that we did not need her anymore. That was not the case. I just needed a break because I felt like I was breaking, caring for her and working full time. I am completely lost for words. I was having trouble adjusting to her being in the SNF by anxiety simply escalated. Now having to deal with the fact that she is not at the Nursing Home...I can is unbearable. Everyone keeps saying your so strong. I don't feel strong, I just feel void of all emotion right now. That's the only reason I'm not crying continuously. I simply don't have the words or emotions to express everything going on inside of me. '