I chose this title for a topic, because I don't know where I am on the scale of grieving. I lost my love of my life on May 8, after almost 63 years of marriage. Initially I had what are probably "normal" reactions. I wanted her to go because she had suffered so much. Together we weathered her stroke at age 29 from birth control pills. After taking them for about a month, she went to the prescribing doctor, a Greek Civil service employee at a military base in Germany because she was spotting. She was told to "double up". Within a week she had a massive stroke. She was completely paralyzed on her right side and mute, but conscious. After weeks of speech, physical and occupational therapy, she sneezed one day at speech therapy. The therapist quickly said, "What do you say, Cindy? What do you say?" The therapist had told me earlier that they weren't sure what they were going to hear because she was also fluent in Germany and had studied French in high school. In response to the therapist's question, she said, "I love you, John".
She practiced saying that over and over until I came to visit later in the day. You can probably imagine the emotions involved.
She worked hard to regain the use of her right leg, but her right side above the waist was paralyzed and she had aphasia.
Our youngest of four children had been born 10 months earlier.
So, when I say she had suffered so much, I have to look at the time with pride because she never felt sorry for herself and met the future and conquered.
Then, last Fall, she fell and broke her hip. Dementia became apparent, but it had been masked by the aphasia.
So, again, she was trying to learn to walk and although she made some initial progress, she was never again able to walk unaided until the end a few weeks ago.
I told her it was okay to go and that I would see her soon. I also added that the next time, she could be the guy and I'd learn some humility by wearing a skirt.
Later on the 9th, I was going to take a nap and I was in between conscious and falling asleep, when I was kissed. I can understand the skepticism of others upon hearing this, but I am convinced and want to believe it was her.
I started this story to say that the emotion seemed to be over and I felt okay and that confused me, but as I write, the tears come flooding back. Initially I thought I was strong enough to weather this, but I have since met with Pathway Grief Counseling. They were her in a hospice role for about a week before her death. I cannot believe I would have ben able to function without them. They were beyond outstanding.
As I draw this to a close, I guess I realize I am "normal" because it was so hard to write this. I was wondering why I had been clear of mind these past few days and I was wondering where I was. I know it will take a long time, but I'll make it, with the help of my children and their insistence that I needed a dog. I have rescued a nine year old German Shepherd, my favorite breed, and I must take care of her now.
So, that's my story. I don't believe in organized religion, so I cannot seek solace there. Perhaps just writing this will help.
