Annette

Shell, Lori and Shelley, thank you all so much for your responses to my post. I do think it is helpful to hear how others are dealing with their Grief. I am hoping it will also prove helpful to be able to talk about how I am feeling as most of my friends seem uncomfortable with it and it's not something I have been able to share with my husband. In response to some of your comments, I don't think that I am so much holding my tears in because they come at inopportune times as much as I am just not permitting myself to shed them. They come, and even if I am by myself, I stop them almost immediately. For some reason I am not permitting myself to process all of this. I am not sure if perhaps I feel as if I allow myself to grieve, I will lose what I have of my parents. Sounds kinda kooky but is all I can think of at the moment. I did purchase a journal this week as I have heard it can be beneficial. I have made a couple of entries so far. I am hoping that it helps. I was thinking maybe if I can get some of the thoughts out of my head right before I go to bed perhaps I can sleep better. On a positive note, I did take a shower this weekend. Last week it was four days before I figured out I had not even taken a shower or brushed my teeth. Gross!! Somehow, I just could not find the energy. I know that you all are on this discussion group because you have also lost someone you love. Please accept my condolences to you all and my gratitude for your willingness to share your experiences with others in order to help us through our grief. Just knowing you are all there really does help. Annette

Haley, please accept my condolences to you on your loss. I just thought perhaps I would share with you my recent experience with my father's cremains (or part of them). My father wanted his cremains to be spread with my mom's (she also recently passed away). However, if you feel the need, as I did, to keep a part of your mom close to you, most of the funeral homes how offer or have a catalog you can order from, of "memorial jewelry." I have a beatiful silver rectangle that I wear on a chain around my neck that contains a bit of my father's ashes in it. The funeral home place the cremains in the necklace for me in the hollow part in the middle of the pendant. The jewelry is created specifically for this purpose. They come in lots of beautiful designs and there is something that is to everyone's taste. I had Daddy and my father's date of death engraved on the back. Although a member or two of my family felt this to be slightly morbid, everyone was in agreement that I could have the small amount of cremains for this purpose. This way, a part of my father is always close to my heart. I find myself touching the pendant often. I just thought I would share this option with you. I have found it comforting. Take care.

This is my first post and I honest don't know where to start. My mom died in May '06 and my dad one day short of five months later in October '06. They would have been married 63 years one week after my mom passed. I am hoping perhaps someone has words of wisdom to offer. I am the youngest child (adopted) and my parents lived in Nebraska with my older sister. I was the black sheep of the family and had to go do my own thing beginning at a young age. There were several years when my parents did not even know where I was. I am now 40 and a successful paralegal, but I certainly took the long way to get here and put my parents through so much pain. Now that they are gone all I can think of is all the time I wasted when I was younger that could have been spent with them. I have been burying my grief for months, and had not even began to deal with my mom's unexpected death from cancer (which we did not even know she had) when dad died, also unexpectedly. Although he had been battling cancer for a few years, they had always told us the cancer would not kill him (at least for a long time. Both of my parents were basically incoherent when I got the two separate calls that I needed to go to Nebraska if I wanted to see them before they died. In both cases, I stayed in the hospital with each of them almost 24 hours a day. Mom died in 9 days, dad in 3. Neither one wanted any sort of service so there were none. When I said my goodbyes to mom, she did open her eyes so I do believe she knew I was there. Dad was coherent a couple of times so I hope he also heard my goodbyes. I was at dad's side when he took his last breath. I will never forget that sight and his dead face is in my dreams often. I am a totally type A personality, classic overachiever and used to being at my best. Now, I feel completely lost. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, my work is suffering, although no one other than me would probably notice. I stuff the tears back down when they come. I have always been the one that takes care of everything in my marriage. My husband is Air Force Bomb Squad and has been in Iraq two times and will probably go back in a couple of months. He has his own demons. For some reason I don't feel like I can share my grief with him as I have always been the one that takes care of everything so he does not have to worry about it while he is gone. I don't want him to see me this way, so I don't show it on the outside. But, it is all starting to become so unbearably overwhelming. I sleep even less than I did before (which was not much). The frustration from the lack of concentration is almost as bad as the lack of concentration. The tears start at the most inopportune moments, but I am very good at stopping them. My stomach hurts, my head hurts. Unlike most people, instead of not eating, I stuff myself. I miss my parents so much, and did not appreciate them enough while they were here. The guilt is almost unbearable. For being a normally very strong person, I feel so fragile and that is entirely foreign to me. I just feel like I have been hit by a truck. I know this is long and rambling and it's a good example of my state of mind. No cohesion, no direction, jumping all over the place. I have so many feelings, but cannot voice them. I feel as though I am a shell of the person I used to be, that who I am died with my parents. I miss them terribly. Does this ever stop? Will I ever be normal again? This is eating me alive. I just want them back, I want to be able to tell them how much I love them, that I am sorry I was such a rebellious, pain the ass when I was younger, to tell them thank you for adopting me and showing me a good life. But now its too late and I can never say those words, I cannot have that interaction and I feel horrible for not having said that when they were alive to hear me. Thank you for listening to the ramblings of a crazy, disconnected daughter.