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Everything posted by Kieron

  1. We've got smoke and haze from the Boundary Waters Canoe Area fires far to the north. The sun was a very hot orange ball behind the haze, and air quality warnings are out, as are drought warnings and watering bans. I haven't seen it this bad in years.
  2. Interesting you mention that... a few days ago I could see from the caller ID that someone we were friends with called, but did not leave a voice message. I haven't seen or heard from them since the memorial. Not one word since. Why now? I debated calling back, but ultimately deleted the caller ID entry. After all, what is there to say after so much time? They were more his friends than mine.
  3. Welcome, Alvin, and I am sorry you have had cause to have to find us, but we're glad you're here. At 7 weeks it's quite fresh for you, and it sounds like you are taking the days as they come, and that is sometimes all you can really do. Good analogy. And you're right, the feeling of having so little to look forward to is a persistent one. I'm still dealing with that one 4 years on. You mentioned being INTJ. I am INFJ, the rarest of them all in the Meyer-Briggs personality types, and as an extrovert, he was the one who drew me out into the world, so now I am the one who has to prod me out into the world. It's a strange feeling...
  4. A blog I follow echoes this concept of appeasing others that Gwen mentions above. I thought it was too good to not share. Here's a snippet: "If we are grieving, those same sociological effects are at work. People try to chivvy us out of our grief with blatant platitudes. They try to cheer us up because society needs us to be happy and productive, not morose and sad and grieving. They urge us to move on because they need us to move on, not because we need to." https://bertramsblog.com/2021/07/11/sociological-aspects-of-grief/
  5. Gwen, this is so very well put. You managed to capture quite a lot in a few sentences. πŸ’–
  6. Wish I could! We need the rain too, though. But yeah we get all kinds of weather here, all except hurricanes, from hot and humid now, to subzero 6 months later. It's crazy. But the spring and fall are worth it.
  7. I think maybe we have your weather. It's like our usual weather has switched places because it's upper 70's and some rainy pattern for a few days being predicted. About 2 weeks ago we had severely hot days with drying winds, and we're under drought warnings, as well, despite some showers. Hope you can take cool showers/baths and be near a fan.
  8. This may interest you, although it doesn't specifically refer to death doulas. I don't know how to embed videos anymore in this forum, but this 8 minute or so video is worth a look. https://youtu.be/wR3cr3g7wG4 We’ve been taught to hold on to things. And in our material world, life has become a possession too - we cannot seem to let it go. It seems to have become more acceptable to "rage against the dying of the light" and fight to the bitter end, than to take stock of what life has been about and to be at peace with death. Dying is not about hanging on. It’s about letting go, reconciling, finding peace. And when we learn to do that, we learn to live life. Filmed in Port Elizabeth, South Africa. Featuring Di Lawrie. I like her pithy, succinct and to the point comment: "we only die once, but we live every day."
  9. That's pretty common, covering for a vacationing colleague but in my view, you can start fresh with this new person and lay down the law and say"No more conflicting info. one person coordinate things and everyone gets on the same page. Period. My nerves can't handle all this back and forth." And ask for a supervisor if you need to. It's possible the covering social worker goofed or erred somewhere, and is deflecting rather than taking responsibility for a screwup.
  10. I wish I could stop by and help somehow, Gwen. It's just my nature to do so. πŸ’– From what I know of severe body pain, it absorbs all your attention, energy and concentration, leaving you with nothing left over to handle things that everyone else handles without a second thought.
  11. Welcome, ECR, if there is such a thing as 'welcome' to this club no one ever wanted to join. I can't think of much to add to the wonderful responses you have had so far, but as to the question of hope, well... that's a hard one. Human beings seem to need something to look forward to, because we all need purpose in life. That purpose is as variable as we are individuals. When you lose your mate in life, it's hard to find anything to look forward to, or even a reason to get up some days. Many days have come and gone in which I felt there was nothing to look forward to, except transitory pleasures like a decent cup of coffee, or a chance to catch up with a friend, or a movie you've been wanting to see. I get that, very much. After 4 years I still have those times. I had one today, in fact. But as Dee says, you have that beautiful child to live for, even though to raise her without her mother, the love of your life, will be hard and bittersweet. From one guy to another, I say: Keep reaching out as you have done already, keep asking for help, even though men's grief tends to be more withdrawing and silent compared to women's. Sometimes doing something physical is the way through the bad moments, be it exercise, or building something, making something with your hands. And I hope you'll check in periodically.
  12. It's been like that for me, lately. I'm back to questioning whether to stay here or go somewhere else, especially when I remember it will be 5 years this coming March. 5 years, and sure I've done a lot around here, by myself or with help, or hired someone, but all the big things I want/wanted to do with the place feel pointless, now. Why bother? He's not here to see it, or deal with the inevitable contractors or handyman (I'd rather go to the dentist, quite honestly). On top of this, he'd be 65 this September and I have lost count of all the Medicare "Advantage" Plan mailings he has gotten urging him to enroll in their plan. Evidently they never got the memo that a) he's gone and b) he already had Medicare. I learned these "Advantage" Plans are private, Medicare-approved companies that must follow rules set by Medicare. What i can't figure out is why, if this is true, wouldn't they get notified of when Medicare recipients die? All it does is re-open the wound, as far as I am concerned. I called one to ask if they would just stop sending all these mailings, and the rep was nice about it but at the same time she tried to find out if I am Medicare-eligible, and did I want to sign up? πŸ™„ Always looking to make a buck, I guess.
  13. We also have a "Sad" response as an option, now. Marg, no worries, I wasn't bothered in the least. You have indeed been through hell and back, from the sound of it.
  14. Well, Marg, I got to read the word salad before you threw it out πŸ™ƒ , so all I can say is, after reading it I made a vow to never complain about getting migraine headaches. Those at least go away after a while.
  15. Ding ding ding. 🀬 All about the dollars.
  16. Likely the mortal fear that doctors today have about prescribing controlled substances and controlled medications is a big part of why they dig their heels in, but this refusal you're describing is indeed unconscionable.
  17. Wow Gwen, the writer in me appreciates this very much. πŸ’– The ghosts you mention are thick in this place, too. Yesterday was dark, cold, gloomy, and wet. Such days take the wind right out of me. I know my resilience has taken a beating, first by his death 4 years ago, and then this past year did a KO on it.
  18. Moment by moment. Someone told me about that time that the reality of the loss really sinks in around 18 months into it. That was how it was for me. Never felt so low in my life I still feel echoes of it every few days, especially as the summer activities, sights, smells, etc kick into high gear.
  19. Yes, people often do just give up. It's hard to summon the energy to do what needs to be done even though you know full well what to do. πŸ˜‘
  20. This is one of the many things I do for a living. An ounce of prevention.... People get into trouble because they procrastinate until everything is dire and crumbling around them, or in this cartoon, on fire...
  21. I hear you loud and clear, Gwen. Yesterday was a difficult day as I was doing multiple tasks, chores, errands etc. and thinking too much about what I'm going to do with this big place. A few weeks ago, I had the main level interior walls and ceilings painted a new color in hopes of a fresh feeling in here, which gave me the chance to do a deep clean of the floors and corners as well as getting rid of stuff I don't want anymore. It helped for awhile, but now I'm back to wondering what I'm going to do. The overthinking resulted in a lot of tears, the kind that come from really deep within. Haven't had those in a while. Cosmetic changes are one thing, but there's no point in any serious remodel of the kitchen (which badly needs it) because I don't want to deal with the upheaval and mess, and besides that, it's unaffordable, and he wouldn't be here to enjoy the finished result, so why bother? Just leave it for whoever buys this place after I get fed up enough with the upkeep to throw in the towel. And right now that point is closer than it's been in awhile.
  22. it's a heavy feeling, James. I remember it well. πŸ’–
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