Kieron

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It was day one all over

Yes, day one all over again is exactly right. 😥

I'd rather not create a new thread as I'm not really saying anything I haven't already said, but I do have to say It's really remarkable how deeply a new passing stirs up the sediment of my grief, as if it had settled into some crevice somewhere inside and was just waiting to be excavated.  Another uncle passed away, yesterday after a long illness.  This one I was not close to, but the news dredged up the old feelings as I knew it would.  It didn't last long, but just remembering the way it felt afterward, and knowing quite well what my aunt must be feeling.

Karen said it much more tactfully than I would have managed.

Gwen, sounds like the compassion in your shrink just plain shrunk. 😞

On 10/2/2022 at 5:56 PM, Boho-Soul said:

I’ll still be processing moments of that day, but it won’t be open-ended, and I can now do it with a sense of completion.

That's a great way to describe it, in very relatable terms.  Sometimes naming the problem or the issue or the concept allows us to feel a sense of control, or power, or agency, over whatever it is.  When we can't name it, we can't get a handle or a grip on it.

James, I wanted to comment on ordering the medical records.  I understand wanting to know the full story and I did this myself back in the day.  However.... Having been on both sides of the situation, as both a neutral professional documenting things as I observed them, and as a patient's family member, the records will rarely, if ever, align with what we remember happening.  It's been said in the various helping professions, "If it's not documented, it didn't happen."  The various perspectives of the involved hospital/facility providers, some of who didn't care, whose first language was not English, or who were tired and overworked and underpaid --all of it muddied my personal recall, at least in my experience.  Reading the records upset me more than it helped, because it was in the chart (or not) and thus unchangeable.  Yes, some things were clarified but others were made more confused.  Filing a complaint with the board of nursing against the worst offender who failed us did me no good because my verbal report didn't stand up to the written documentation, such as it was.  😞😣😣

When I was running around in his last days to try to get everyone moving in the same direction (the rehab facility, the hospital and the various other "professionals" who failed us at every step), I thought that would cut down on confusion, but it seemed to be in vain.

I wish I had had the presence of mind to demand of the facility social worker, in that last meeting I had with her, why in the world hospice was not called when it was obvious he was fading fast.  Talk about dereliction of duty!

Welcome, we're glad you found us.    For me it's been just over 5 years.  The grief waves are far less intense and less frequent but yes, they do still sneak up and swamp when least expected.

19 hours ago, KarenK said:

. It sounds as though she may be bipolar and needing medication

Sounds more like borderline, certainly a personality disorder.  "Walking on eggshells" so that you don't set off one of their rages is a classic warning sign.  🥺

This is my contribution.  It's such a wistful song.  I never tire of it.

7 hours ago, nashreed said:

I feel like a jerk and a chump for saying I would want someone else.

James, you are neither of those.  As Boho-Soul says, everyone's life is different.  I've noticed men tend to pair up again after losing their other half, whereas women don't.  And sometimes the reverse happens.  It may be wiring, or gender, or socialization, or just personality, or the type of loss or the duration of it, or the trauma of it, or any combination. 💔

3 hours ago, Chocolate said:

Some people say to just give it to God, and then they don't contact you again. 

What they usually told me was, "Life is a journey."  Essentially parroting four-word phrases that get uttered all too often, as something they heard in a movie, I suppose.  I promised myself I would never say these words to another grieving person.

I have noticed some glitchy behavior in the forum today, for example it made me redo my profile prior to logging in.  So it's not your imagination, you probably did lose posts.

Speaking of haywire, something seems to be haywire with Dee, from the sounds of things.

I am sure you have probably already tried this, but I know when we are sick or in pain, we miss things.  Just in case this does the trick, here is what i found for your area for in-home care needs.  It's my nature to find solutions, Gwen, I can't help it.  🙂

https://www.dshs.wa.gov/altsa/long-term-care-services-information

Gwen, I haven't been saying much being so busy with offline stuff, but I'm with Kay, this can't go on.  She has shown who she really is, both intoxicated and sober.  You don't deserve more abuse heaped on you after months if not years of other kinds of abuse from the broken environment around you.

On 9/2/2022 at 10:46 AM, scba said:

Grief feels like is going around in circles with silence as an answer. 

So profound, Ana.  Incidentally, I found this meme earlier today.

For me, it comes at various times of the year, such as anniversaries, or the month of July, or the angle of the sunlight which is the same on his birthday and at his death day since they're at opposite ends of the year. 

And everything you describe, jathas, is perfectly understandable and very normal and natural.  The anxiety is indeed very overwhelming because your whole existence was uprooted.  I wonder if it's what a plant feels like when dug out of the ground and left sitting there to dry out and wither.  I barely left the house except to go to work, in the months and year/year and a half after, and I don't even know how I managed to do that...

If anyone has earned the right to grumble, Gwen, it's you.  💖

Again, all too familiar.  I have a picture of us on my phone of his birthday dinner.  He looks like he was fraying at the edges, barely hanging on.  And that was a good six months before he died.  That look of defeat is real.  People just get to a point where they are just "over it," I guess.

4 hours ago, jathas said:

When you are dealing with a spouse or significant other who NEVER feels well, has no energy or motivation, has nonstop health issues, injuries, physical ailments, and almost weekly medical appointments (sometimes multiple appointments in one week), it's almost impossible to have a life that you enjoy.

So true.  I am nodding in recognition of most of what you wrote in these last few posts because it's very familiar.  This was my experience as well.  We could not go on a vacation for more than a few days because he needed to be back in town for treatments.  Our lives narrowed to staying home, me working, him resting in between treatments.  You bet I was resentful, and I would be lying if I said I never took that out on him on occasion, but I've had to work on forgiveness for myself because we all have our limits of what we can bear.

22 hours ago, jathas said:

I miss my husband so much it physically hurts.

Welcome.  You could hardly have said a truer statement than the one above.  The absence is a wrenching, physical pain that often settles in the chest, the arms, the shoulders.  A massage therapist told me once that we carry grief in our arms, the chest, the shoulders, or some combination thereof.  It makes sense.  I remember my arms physically aching for many months afterward.

As others have said, you've come to a good place here.  This is THE place to come and vent, remember, wonder and reminisce.  Everyone here "gets it."  Some of what you describe has similarities to what I went through, and likewise I blamed myself for quite some years, for not pushing him harder to eat better, exercise, etc. but in the end, it was his decision.  😕

Welcome.  I haven't been around to reply lately, but I did read your earlier posts.  I'm sorry you had cause to find us but I'm glad you did.  It's been my observation, backed up by others' reports, that around 18 months after the loss of your beloved, that's when it really kicks your butt.  Something about 18 months is like a closing of a cycle.  I have my theories, but they're not really the point here.  I just remember the excruciating pain that sent me to my knees when I had to admit to myself that this was not just a bad dream and that he was not coming back.  It really, really sucks and there is no way around that.  I'm just a few years younger than you but I have had 5 years to absorb this loss.  I have my moments, and sometimes my hours, but not so many of those days anymore.  It does get softer and less intense, with time, but my grief will never go.   I have said this elsewhere on this site but the angle of the sunlight is one of my signifiers or markers for loss.  His birthday and his death day are opposite each other in the solar year.  The angle of the sunlight on the wall reminds me of that awful day, twice a year.  it's really peculiar how it affects me.  I suppose for as long as I live in this house, I will always notice that. 

Helpfully includes timestamps so you can skip to a topic you want to know more about. 

One thing I like about Dr Huberman is that he doesn't "dumb it down" but does explain the meaning of medical terms briefly, then goes forward and expects you to keep up.  It's very dense and packed with information.  A Stanford classroom experience --for free!

Note: it does include at least one paid advertisement as I suppose he has to make some kind of living, so skip to timestamp 8:35 if you'd rather bypass the advertising.

9 hours ago, kayc said:

They're always in a hurry.  Time is $ (more for them!).

Not necessarily.  Yes, time is money-- but for managed care organizations.  Insurance requirements and concurrent documentation requirements force a lot of "health care" providers to hurry and scurry through appointments.  They will get written up for certain "late" documentation or if they exceed the allowed amount of 1:1 time with a patient, and errors are made, details omitted, and inaccurate notes get transcribed into the system, and you're stuck with that wrong info that you then have to fight to correct. 

Perhaps needless to say, I've grown very cynical about it all.

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

I've never had one but to me a telemedicine visit is useless and a "cop out".

It is totally a cop-out.  Since this idiocy started, my workplace has the option of doing telephone visits (not video but audio) and I can tell you it's incompatible with the spirit of the work.  I can't see a letter, paperwork, a bill, or a physical item the way I did when we could actually sit in person.  I can't DO anything about anything you're telling me about, except spew advice or suggestions or directives, and hope you follow through after our call ends.  It's insane!  Recently I did a 45 minute call that, in the old days in person, would have been 2 hours worth of work (and getting paid for 2 hours), all compressed into 45 minutes.  I get 45 minutes of compensation!  Stupid! 

Thankfully more people are willing to meet in person but I still have a few holdouts, and I am putting my foot down with warmer weather coming.  No more "telehealth" which is a complete joke of a term.  There is no "health" to be found here, only "hell-th".

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I'm constantly amazed at what people get billed for.

It's a disgrace, and it's widespread due to greed, graft, corruption and base human nature (six of one, half a dozen of the other).

Kay, you ask why it took them 2 1/2  weeks to determine cause of death.  It reminds me of my observation, years ago, that we (societies around the world) put one another through the most horrific torture over simple things like cause of death, burial, legal stuff, marriage (including who gets to get married, thanks very much!), divorce matters, child custody matters etc.  All to satisfy some formality, or some judge, or someone's religious beliefs, or some legal bigwig's massive ego. 

It's like we are determined to grind one another down to nothing over trivial things, treating one another with no heart, no compassion, no grace, no nothing.  I don't get it.

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

You can’t be a good caregiver if you’re burned out.  

Perfectly stated, Gwen.  I could have used this wisdom back in the day when I was beating myself up for not knowing what I didn't know about any of this.  😣