Kieron

I would like to respectfully point out one thing you might not have noticed. Your final sentence in this post is this: Does it make sense that you ought to include yourself in that request? This, plus your choice of username, tells me that you may be harshly judging yourself for wanting something that is natural: the human need for intimacy which is as important as shelter, food and water. If you look up Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, you will see this was identified ages ago in human development. This Western society we're in has deep and long-lasting issues with sex and with death, and it's probably part of everyone's upbringing to be a little uneasy with these two profound matters. As Marty says, it requires open and honest communication and we're usually not taught how to do that around such important matters, not even with our spouses. Also, as people age and deal with health issues, it's pretty common to notice wide differences in interests and needs, and since everyone is an individual, it's important to remember "one size fits all" is *not* reality. I hope you'll read those articles Marty linked to.

I would like to offer this since you seem like you might be open to the idea: https://www.greenhopeessences.com/essences/grief-and-loss These are non-chemical, and don't interfere with any medications, just helps the emotional aspect of the animal's sense of loss that you cannot address verbally. I found it worked when we tried it out of desperation. I feel you have nothing to lose by trying and if it brings him relief, then you all will be helped. If not, no harm done.

Yes, anything can be hacked given someone who is determined and skilled enough. 😒

Speaking only for myself, and not to scare you but to prepare you, I personally found the second year harder, particularly the 18-month/year-and-a-half point. And even then, it was highly variable with some days being better and some worse. Your mileage may vary, as they say.

Being a writer, this is something I appreciate and something I have done often in a private, online journal where no one will see it.

Time is definitely weird. The days fly by for me but yet each week feels like a month, and each month a year. Tomorrow is Thursday already, soon it'll be the weekend which is hardly much different than a weekday nowadays. I find I am thinking a lot back to the second summer by myself--which would have been the 18 month point--when it all really sank in and I was really miserable. That time itself is now 18 months ago, and so I feel like I'm back at square one, only I've got a different perspective this time (and not a better one). Edit: well, my math is off now that I think about it but I still say time is running weird!

I found that resource after racking my brain. Shari Schreiber, MA, has a forum and resource/support website that I suggest checking out. She doesn't sugarcoat anything. She's direct but compassionate. I hope this helps in some way! https://sharischreiber.com/articles-and-forums/

I don't know. Things have changed a lot in 25 years, and maybe things are different in my state than in yours. It's incredible how different laws, statutes and so forth are among the American states.

Yes, very much so. No one do that part for you, needless to say, but we know what it can feel like. For me, it was like a giant door slowly slamming shut as the date approached. It felt like I would no longer be able to say, "At this time last year we were..., or he was experiencing...., or I was doing..." and going forward from that date was like my past life was receding further away. it still feels that way as I approach 3 and 1/2 years. It is just less intense, in comparison. I've used an analogy elsewhere of beach glass or sea glass, which is a glass bottle that fell into an ocean and shattered. Over time, the constant waves in the ocean smooth the jagged edges of the glass shards, so they're worn down, smooth, sort of pastel, the way sea glass looks when it washes up on shore. I use that image below to illustrate for others how the sharp and jagged edges of grief often wear down over time. You can still feel that edge, but it's not as likely to cut you as deeply.

I used to have a site bookmarked that would be a great resource for you for BPD, but I lost some of my bookmarks. Dangit. They're supposed to be of assistance or if they can't or if it's beyond their skill level, they are obligated to refer you to someone who can. They also must take courses in ethics every license renewal period. If it makes you feel better, when these professionals screw up, the board that oversees their licensure should be ensuring they go on a registry of licensees who messed up somehow. That's public information. You can contact any board of any professional license and ask to see the credentials and license of anyone who serves vulnerable populations, such as you. If there are any complaints against them, it's likely open for you to read just by asking. Every state is different though. There are also national registries of professional licensures. The internet has opened up the ability of the average person to track down information like this. I do too! There's got to be something out there for you. Even if your condition of BPD is challenging to yourself and everyone, there are competent professionals who sincerely want to help.

Mick, you are not extreme. You're human and you're missing the one you love. Your heart is ripped in half and everything you had has been torn from you a bare 2 months ago. Everything you're describing is something we've all done, felt, or experienced in some manner or degree, at one time or another.

He personalized what you said and made it about him. That's understandable, in a way, but it is unprofessional, and to end the session early is even worse and to drop you by voicemail, well.... He showed his unprofessionalism so you're well-rid of him. OMG again with the unprofessional behavior. Therapy is not about the therapist's needs! And an inappropriate marriage counselor--yeesh! What ails these people? You have had a tour of the hall of shame in counselors, therapists and (un)professionals, haven't you. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) requires some training to address adequately and clearly not one of these people was up for the task. I see you are in Louisiana. I ran a search for these terms: borderline personality disorder therapy Louisiana and turned up a number of results. Also, psychologytoday.com has a listing of around 25 area therapists who specialize in BPD. Depending on your insurance coverage, of course... you know your situation best. I hope some of this is helpful.

Hello, I think you mentioned in your other post that it had been 9 months since he died in your arms. It's not surprising that you have the regrets and guilt, especially being unable to do anything about it even with an ambulance there. I think all of us have experienced these or similar feelings in the aftermath of the loss, and in variable degrees of intensity at different times. Having many unanswered questions is also very much a natural experience and is a big part of the journey. Having said all that, I'd also like to say that at 9 months, it's all still very fresh for you. Everyone is different, and people's grief journey is individual, so I would suggest treating yourself as gently as you can and recognize that you're going to feel what you feel, especially as the first anniversary comes up.

Mark may not have been a father in the biological sense, and he lost his own father at age 19, but later in life, he was everyone's daddy. He was the one people called when they needed advice and he gave of his time and listening ear to many who had no one else to turn to, or whom no one would listen to. It was remarkable to see. ❤️

Hello mick, I noticed your other post before this one, and "I'm sorry" can't really touch what you've described to us so far. What I can say is that being set off like this, or reduced to a puddle, is very, very natural and expected. Unfortunately, our society does a poor job of preparing us for death, grief and loss, and often we're expected to be "over it" in no time at all, even if people don't say that to us in so many words. I'm not sure if your wife was 53 or if you were together for 53 years (not that this makes a difference... loss is still loss). I'm sorry to say it's going to feel unreal, and surreal, for a very long time. I know of no way to ease this pain except with time and allowing it to wash over you like a series of giant waves. Grief is there and it's going to demand your attention. There's really no way to avoid it, and avoiding it creates more problems down the road. It's been said the best way to get through it is to go through it fully. I think for us guys it's a bit harder in some ways than for women, so when you say "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up before I do something foolish" I take that to mean, you're not sure how to keep going, or how to keep up a good front, before cracking and and breaking down. I'd say, let it happen when you are in a safe place, or with someone you trust, and better still if you can find a grief support group where you are located. it really does help, even if you just go to the group and keep quiet. You'll find your feelings are pretty much universal. I find myself liking waves and water more and more with time. If I lived near an ocean, I'd be there every day watching them. The force that moves them is implacable, impersonal and unavoidable, a lot like grief. You have to just ride their movement like a little piece of jetsam.

I'm not sure how this thread escaped my notice but I wanted to acknowledge it, Kay. I'm just beginning to notice that same sensation, that it was all something I dreamed up.

Oh, wow... that is simply profound, and exactly how I feel these days.

Huh? Maybe this "grief center" is run by a bunch of incompetents? I hope there are other options available where you are. That's pretty shady of them! Kay has a lot of good tips and advice and I hope one or more of them is helpful.

Wow, what a collection of slings and arrows for folks lately! 😟

I never got further north than Santa Fe but would like to, next time. The road to Socorro was like a moonscape as I recall. But once I got to the Bosque del Apache, there was a big lake crowded with snow geese, sandhill cranes wintering, and bald eagles looking for a meal, among other wildlife. And it's such a big state! I had hoped to go to White Sands monument but it was 200 miles one way so I decided to save it for next trip... if this damned pandemic would quit.

Gwen, that's really interesting... I happened to visit New Mexico for the first time last October, late in the month and into the first few days of November. It was my first solo trip of this type since Mark died. I stayed in Albuquerque but traveled north to Santa Fe and then south as far as Socorro. What a beautiful countryside in some respects, but nevertheless stark and so dry. Coming from a land where we have a lot of lakes, rivers, creeks and streams, that was a hard adjustment. I went through a lot of moisturizer! I've considered relocating there more than once... the trip was exploratory, on several levels, to see if I liked it enough to want to stay, and to see how I handled being away from home. I jokingly described it as "an away team of one" to a Star Trek friend. I still think off and on about it.. especially when we have endless stretches of cloudy days here.

Reminds me of the wise words from Iyanla Vanzant: "You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to leave them there." Sad, but true.

Oh no. 😣 I know a few other people in a bind like this. It's unconscionable and indeed a system from the dark ages.

I sure do. 🙄This Covid business threw a wrench into my hopes for easing out of it... I completely agree, the therapist/counselor should have remembered the first thing we learned when majoring in the field: "clients have the right to self-determination." That person took that right away from her, in my opinion, even if it was out of good intentions, but that old road to hell is paved with 'em!

I hadn't said anything on this til now but I do understand and have "been there, done that" more than once. I'm naturally an introvert by nature so I don't make friends easily, and prefer a few close ones rather than a ton of acquaintances. It's hard to let people go when your life takes a different turn, not when you don't have that many to begin with! I have some friends who were invaluable help putting Mark's memorial together, and I owe them a ton, so I put up with their endless complaints about their living situation and downstairs neighbor for 5+ years. You'd think they would have moved away by now as they keep threatening to do, but whatever... I just smile and nod and try to change the subject after awhile. So am I being dishonest, in a way, by keeping my true opinion to myself? I haven't figured that one out. Or refraining from saying "Will you two just move already! it would ease your anxiety if you didn't have such a bigoted neighbor living right below you!" But people are people... you have to pick your battles.