Kieron

As it happens, last week I had a repair technician repair my old phone from 2016, the one with a broken screen, thinking I would try to recover photos from before my life went sideways. Alas, it's not to be. The screen was repaired but somehow a pattern passcode got set up which I don't remember ever doing, and nothing seems to work to unlock the phone. If I try to do a "factory reset" of the phone, then it erases everything, photos and all. Maybe it's just as well.

Incompetents, every one of them. Heads should roll. They probably all get paid big bucks to perform this kabuki theater, playing games with people's health and sanity, and calling it "medicine." 🤬

Of course you are. 💖 We're not really made to carry so much alone, or for so long. Wishing you a most benevolent and beneficent outcome possible, whatever may come.

It seems to me that finding meaning in the "after" --no matter if it's a month or a decade following the passing of the beloved-- that is the Herculean task of a lifetime. No wonder grief is so exhausting. Five years later, I still feel tired. I don't necessarily agree with every point made in this essay, but Mark Liebenow has some thoughtful points about finding meaning. And I like his concluding statement: "Do what matters to you. The rest will fall into place." https://widowersgrief.blogspot.com/2021/11/finding-why-to-live.html#more

Welcome, and like the others I am sorry you have had reason to need to seek us out. This is very understandable. I remember that for me it was as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest and I kept expecting to see a hole in it. Feeling afraid and alone and unsafe were all a frequent feeling for me as well. I barely left the house, except to go to work. I don't even know how I managed that... You need not fear judgment here. I don't think anyone here is likely to do such a thing. We've all been recipients of judgement so I think we are careful not to do the same to others. In addition to all the other great feedback you have had here, it is important to hydrate, especially if you are shedding tears, so that your tissues don't continually dry out. I hope you will continue to post as you are able.

Five years ago we spent our last Christmas in an intensive care unit. That Christmas Eve in 2016, he was awake and alert and feeling amazed that he had been given a second chance at life, after being taken off the respirator (mind you this was all pre-corona so the respirator meant something different then) following almost a month of being in a coma. We didn't know it would be the last Christmas, either; he was going into a rehabilitation unit and it seemed like we had passed the worst and he would soon be home if he could manage the rehabilitation regimen and rebuild his strength. I have wondered at times if my spells of resentment or annoyance with all the endless rehab exercises, the issues and problems, etc contributed to the way things ended. So many mistakes were made, so much miscommunication over care plans, his lack of communication, the ineptitude of the "professionals" who didn't know what they were doing, and my own ignorance of death and dying... I occasionally still engage in self-blame, but ultimately I came to recognize the truth in what Maya Angelou wrote: "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it." I have to keep reminding myself of this. it sticks around for awhile but then I forget and lapse back into self-blame. I may never quite escape it. 😑

🙄 🙄 🙄 God I hate insurance, "managed care organizations" and everything to do with them. I once met a person who came to the US from Lebanon and she was appalled at our "health care" system and commented, "You Americans, you pay so much for these insurance and you get nothing for it!" That was an eye-opener and I have observed so much more gone horribly wrong, both personally and for other people. Meanwhile the CEO's and other bigwigs at these "health care" outfits earn obscene salaries, while shareholders rake in the dividends --and real people suffer. "Babble" all you need to, Gwen, God knows you've earned the right to it.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Despite the irrationality that often comes with grief, it's not okay for hm to treat you like this. You did nothing wrong by asking to communicate, to clarify, to seek feedback. How else can a person be expected to change, grow or learn when they aren't allowed to do these things? As to his question if you were seeing someone else and "it would be okay," well... that sometimes indicates there is some dishonesty going on, on the side, and he's making a pre-emptive attempt to excuse himself. I hope it's not that way. Alternately, it may be that he is giving you an indirect statement that he's ready to be done with the relationship. The passive-aggressive actions of moving your things apart from his, getting himself his own bed, distancing himself by sleeping on the couch-- all those things are screaming "I want space. I don't want this relationship with you. I need to get away." I really am sorry, that is how it "reads" to me. As I said, grieving people are often not thinking clearly. But it doesn't lessen the pain you're experiencing.

I understand, being online isn't for everyone. I just meant I hope she knows everyone here appreciates her offline/in-person support that we can't do for you. 🙂

Part of that, I would suspect, is that the current thinking and the continuing education they have to do influences them. What was accepted and unremarkable becomes, suddenly, an issue. The conventional wisdom evolves (not always for the better) and it also depends on where they went to school and what their philosophy is. And then you have current panics like the opioid crisis and the pandemic --all of which makes people a bit squirrelly, like this cat. 🙃

Easy for him to say. Have you told Dee about this group? I hope she knows that all of us here appreciate her being there for you in a way that we can't, being so far away. 💝

No worries, Kay, you have enough on your plate as it is. 💖 Calling it "a point of reference" is a perfect way to describe it. So, thank you

No apologies necessary. Every day will feel the same for you. Gradually that will evolve, in time and in its own way. but for now, just know it's something we understand and can relate to.

Five years ago today was the beginning of the long slide into the void. How is it that five (5) whole years have gone by? It isn't any more significant than four years, or three, just that it's in a nice, tidy increment that stacks up neatly, for ease in counting. Now I have to make my way through the rest of the dark months of the year, until the daylight hours and the nighttime hours are the same, springing me out of some kind of winter prison into the light again.

oh no, Gwen. I have a big old mouse in this house at the moment, have seen it scooting, but the cat isn't doing much about it. Literally sleeping on the job. One year we had a rat. No one here believed me that I was seeing a large furry body zipping under the stove where it was hiding. Finally got rid of it with poison, and I found the carcass in the basement. 🙄

Try to hydrate. When a person is shedding tears, it tends to dehydrate the tissues, and we're not thinking about such things in the aftermath, so drinking plenty of water is important-- any time, but especially now.

Welcome, although I'm sorry you have had to find us. As Ana says, we understand, and everything you say is familiar to us here. It's okay to not know, right now. We humans seem to like certainty, the predictable, the expected. Now you're in a place where nothing in life is any of those things. I hope you can find a way to permit yourself some grace, and time, to get your bearings --because your point of reference in the world is gone. That's huge. it's going to feel cold, meaningless, empty, etc. all those things are apt descriptors for what you are feeling right now. Most other people aren't equipped or prepared to understand the difficult space you are in at this time, and they'll move on much quicker than you will.

My fascination for Dia de los Muertos / Day of the Dead has grown with each passing year. Here is a page of photographs of people dressed up for the festivities in Mexico City. No gore or ugly images, just people wearing facepaint and costumes. https://elchadsantos.tumblr.com/post/166987822761/day-of-the-dead-mexico-city-photos-instagram https://elchadsantos.tumblr.com/post/665047101883990016/photos-elchadsantos-instagramcomelchadsantos

No apologies for the truth. This sucks. Like Kay, if I were closer, I'd be glad to do things that your pain won't permit you to do.

Thanks, Ana, your salad made sense. No, I haven't connected with her. I may, I may not. I will say something odd happened... a few days after that email, midmorning this past Sunday, someone stopped by my house. This person had lived here when everything was falling apart. Without going into all the back story, this person was conducting themselves in ways that were disreputable and egregiously bad taste, associating with unsavory people and creating drama when I least needed it and just wanted quiet and stillness. I had had to spend a lot of energy pushing this person out of here when all I wanted to do was be left alone in my grief. After the dust settled and they were gone, then I found out they had taken many valuable things, or let their friends take things that were not theirs, including all my power tools, some electronics and some personally important items. I wasn't even left with a simple cordless drill, for heaven's sake. So this person came by to apologize for their behavior and owned up to all of their mistakes and bad decisions. I said exactly what I thought of them, and didn't hold back much, and it was somewhat gratifying to see them nod and accept that I was justified to be angry. But I was surprised by how much grief still is inside me, and I am not ready to fully forgive this person. There will probably never be any return of my missing things, and probably never get anything else because they are dirt poor and by their own admission, "messed up in the head." People tell me to just "let it go" and I mostly have, and feel a lot lighter after unloading on them, and still do, but I am really surprised, almost 5 years later, how much it all comes rushing back. The difference is, it's cooler and maybe a little more dense or distilled, if that makes sense, into what I might call "essential grief." That may be the part that never quite disappears.

Interesting that you all are talking about how it doesn't go away. A few days ago I got an update type of email from a counselor and spiritual director (like a life coach but more spirituality-themed) who was announcing some updates to her website including doing sessions over Zoom. I had seen her one-to-one during the last days and again after he was gone, for some advice and guidance. Then she moved to another state, very far away, and that connection dropped. But evidently I am still on the mailing list. It's funny... just contemplating doing a catch-up Zoom session with her made me sad to the point of tears all over again. It's not that I blame her for anything, it just evokes that fraught time almost 5 years ago, leading me to wonder about myself. I've barely budged from my position then compared to now. Some things changed by external force, and some things I chose to change, but much more remains the same. And here we are barrelling into the same stretch of months that I have come to hate. A lot of well-turned phrases here in this post... Isn't that the truth, all of it. Elizabeth and Ruby, I haven't logged on lately, but wanted to welcome you, yet am sorry you have had cause to find us.

Small blessings often mean a lot 🙂

thanks for my first laugh of the day. 😆

Wow, perfectly expressed. And yes, it's a form of PTSD. I startle and shy away at things that in the past I would never even consider worth a response, yet other things that bother some people don't even register with me anymore, like small annoyances.